i'm surprised i haven't run out of quotes yet 👁👄👁
i hope you like them jully 🥺 also happy birthdayyy
LAURENS207

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John, robbing a bank: PUT YOUR HANDS UP!
Bank worker: Please don't hurt me! I'll give you what you want!
John: I want $20!
Bank worker: ...What? Just 20?
John: I want donuts-

***

Alex: We're going to the pet store for dog food, got it? No compulsively buying a new pet-
John: No new pets. Got it-
[later]
John, driving with a puppy asleep on his lap: Best day ever-
Alex: We already have seven babe-

***

John: Alex help, I'm stuck under the christmas tree with ribbons in my hair-
Alex: Why were you under the tree in the first place-
John: I'm a gift, you know this-

***

John: To make an omelette, you have to melt a few bananas-
Alex:
John: I don't make good omelettes-
Alex: I can see that-

***

John: Pip, a word?
Philip: Balloon!

***

John: Only children should be short-
Alex: I'm 5'2" and I will fight you-
John: Not effectively-

***

John: So how did the day go-
Alex: Angie wanted to eat ice cream for breakfast and when I told her that she couldn't, she said I wasn't her best friend anymore so we made a compromise-
John: Which is..?
Alex: She's at her second bowl of ice cream and I'm now her best friend in the whole universe-

***

Philip: Standing next to sunflowers always makes me feel weak like, "Look at this flower. This flower is taller than I am! This flower is winning and I am losing!"
John: You are not ready to hear about trees then-

***

John: Did I tell you I got pepper sprayed today-
Alex: You say that like it's a good thing-

***

Alex: Where're the kids-
John: They went out-
Alex: They're grounded!
John:
Alex:
John: Are they not allowed out when they're grounded-

***

John: I want to prank someone-
Frances: Let's individually wrap each M&M in a packet and give it to someone-
John: The effort of that pisses me off-

***

Uber driver: Hey it's your Uber here, where are you?
John, after having a rough day: I see you-
Uber driver: Are you the person laying down in the middle of the road?
John: Yeah. Floor it-

***

John: I have an extremely strict, "Do not reach for my french fries" policy-

***

Alex: If guardian angels really do exist, mine's off drinking vodka straight from the bottle and pretending I don't exist-

***

John: What's wrong with you-
Alex: What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me is that you're freakishly tall! I feel like a woodland creature-

***

Alex: This is called "carbo-loading". We eat lots of heavy food-
John: That's great. Love it-
Alex: Then we go for a nice long run-
John: No-

***

John: Studies show that I am cute-
Alex: Source?
John: Myself-

***

John: Pros of wearing black clothes: I look super awesome-
John: Cons of wearing black clothes: Everyone knows I ate powdered donuts-

***

Therapist: Would you say you're independent?
John: *looks at Alex*
Alex: *nods*
John: I'd say so yes-

***

John: Imma start chaging people $10 a minute for hurting my feelings-

***

[texting]

John: ALEX IM SCARED ALL THE LIGHTS TURNED OFF AND NO ONES HOME COME AND COMFORT ME
Alex: you threw your phone at the light switch again to get me to come over
John: touché

***

John at 2am: Before snakes crawled on their bellies, they probably bounced around on the coiled end of their tail-
Alex:
Alex: I-
Alex: O h-

***

John, about Alex: But what do I do if he kisses me-
Eleanor: Kiss him back obviously-
John: Okay-
John: But why his back-

***

[after moving in with Alex for the first time]

Eleanor: You can call me anytime if you have any questions-
John, calling at 3 AM: Momma why do people that go to baby changing stations always come back with the same baby-

***

[Angie bakes a cake for Alex's birthday]

Alex: It's full of poison isn't it-
Angie: No!
Alex: Okay then what? Some EXTREME laxatives?!
Angie: Oh come on. I wouldn't make you sick on your birthday-
Alex: ...sorry-
Angie: Now blow out the candles-
Alex: *blows out the candles and the cake explodes*
Angie: I didn't say it wouldn't explode-
Alex: I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it-

***

John: Gotta get me one of those black bath bombs so I can dramatically emerge from the water like I'm rising from the pits of hell. You know, for self care reasons-

***

John: Of course I'm bad! I've done plenty of bad things!
Alex: You drank pepsi out of a coke glass once and then cried because you thought it was bad-

***

John: Hey. Ask me why I love Koda-
Alex: Uh...okay? Why do you love Koda-
John, pulling out a 200 slide PowerPoint presentation and a 23 page long poem: I'm so glad you asked-

***

John: It's times like these when I wish I'd listen to what my momma told me-
Alex: Why? What did she tell you?
John: I don't know. I didn't listen-

***

Philip: I never know what to say to people at funerals-
John: Just say "I'm sorry for your loss", then move on-
[an hour later]
Philip: Sorry for your loss. Move on-

***

John: I tried forming a gang once, but it turned into a book club-

***

John: Momma thinks I'll choke on pills, so she pounds them with a mallet and puts the pill powder in my fruit sauce-
Alex: Fruit sauce?
John: Momma thinks I'll choke on fruit, so she pounds it with a mallet and-

***

Philip: Dad and Papa sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g h-i-j-k-l-m-n-o-p-
John: What-
Philip: Yeah I don't really know what happened there either-

***

John: This is real-
Alex: I know babe-
John: You're my husband-
Alex: I'm your husband-
John: You married me in front of people-
Alex: I did. I was there-

***

Alex: At least try and pretend you're having fun-
Frances: But I'm not-

***

John: I remember back when I was a kid, my dad and I would play hide-and-seek and he would never find me, no matter how easy I made it for him. He was pretty terrible at that game-
Alex: How easy are we talking?
John: I stood in the living room for two hours with a lampshade over my head while he was reading-
Alex: Kinda sounds like he was ignoring you babe-
John: Orrrr...he couldn't find me!

***

Timmy: When do we go to the bathroom?
John: That is up to your bladder-
Philip: Do girls have bladders?
Frances: No we store pee in our feet-

***

Alex, pulling up to a restaurant: Could you get a table? I need to park the car-
John: Okay-
[3 minutes later]
John, sprinting out of the restaurant while carrying a table: START THE CAR-

***

Frances: I've gotta win this science award at school. Then I can get into MIT and invent a nanobot that eats oil spills and be able to retire comfortably while taking care of my aging grandmother and paying Flip's bail money-
Alex: Philip's in jail?
Frances: Not yet-

***

Alex: I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing-
Alex: *looks at John napping on his shoulder*
Alex: But I know that I'm doing it really, really well-

***

Alex: It only takes a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone. But it takes a lifetime to forget someone-
John: Once you forgot me in a grocery store-

***

John: Did you have fun?
Timmy, sadly: We made a baby cry...
Frances: It was great-

***

John: Hey you didn't wake me up-
Alex: I set the alarm on the clock-
John: Yes but see, the clock stops ringing once I throw it against the wall, giving me time to fall back to sleep. You, however, never stop yapping no matter how hard I throw you, thus insuring the wake up process-

***

John: I'm not that dramatic-
Alex: When I asked you why you were wearing a bejeweled tiara, you quoted the entirely of Shakespeare's "All The World's a Stage" monologue and then broke down crying. And you know the scariest part? You were sober-

***

Eleanor: What do you do when you see someone gorgeous?
John: I stare-
John: I smile-
John: Then I put down the mirror-

***

John: I don't brag-
Alex: One time you called your face the proof of god's existence-
John: That's not bragging. That's the truth-

***

Alex: Are you insane?!
John: I prefer spontaneous-

***

Alex: Have you considered calming down-
John: It's on my schedule, but I don't think I can work it in 'til Tuesday-

***

Frances: Pops we got a big problem-
Alex: We should copyright that phase-

***

John: Sometimes I feel like I have my life together and then I'm like, 'Wow, that was a really nice forty-five seconds'-

***

Therapist: How would you describe your life?
John: Basically when you try to make an omelette but mess it up and end up with scrambled eggs, but it's okay-

***

Alex: Why are you sitting on top of a Christmas tree?
Angie: 'Cause I'm a star-

***

John: Lex come down here! L E X-
Alex: John it's six in the morning!
John: I know but I've got big news!
Alex: I can't take you seriously when you're wearing spongebob pajama pants-

***

John: *holding up a fish* Look at the size of this bad boy! Put up quite a battle too. It was him! Then it was me! Then it was him! Then it was me! Then-
Alex: John you got him at the fish mart-

***

John: *wakes up* Shoot- I'm late for school-
John: Oh yeah, I'm an adult-
John: *goes back to sleep*
John, getting up violently: iM t H e  t E a c H e R-

***

Frances: How 'bout we get rid of Flip-
Alex: Every Christmas you suggest we get rid of Philip and every Christmas we tell you nO-
Frances: f i N e-

***

John: Let's do this! *cracks knuckles softly*
Alex: Wow. Your knuckles are quiet-
John: They're polite-

***

John: Alex? Why do you wear glasses?
Alex: Because my eyes are bad-
John: What, are they dangerous-
Alex: Somebody save m E-

***