once again i haven't made one of these in a while so-
hi jully 👁👄👁 i hope you like them 🥺
LAURENS207

***

Alex: How much did you spend on this date-
John: $1400. But all of it's on credit cards, so it's like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years-

***

John: Seriously I have no idea what to do-
John: Oh wait! Yahoo Answers-

***

John, to Eleanor: I don't cry all that often-
Alex: He burst into tears last night when we were watching TV-
John, tearing up: That little old lady was getting sCAMMED BY HER PLUMBER-

***

John: I'm so proud of my daughter Frances. She's learning French in addition to knowing English and Spanish-
John: On the another hand my son Philip is still confused with English-

***

Alex: Make sure to put the toilet seat down-
John: Okay-
John: *to toilet seat* You're worthless and nobody likes you-

***

[cooking with Alex and John]

Alex: John, lettuce-
John: Let us what-

***

Alex: *watching John work out* Wow I wonder why he's so motivated today-
John, thinking: God I'm gonna be so good at giving hugs-

***

John: Taking the stairs is for weaklings, slide down the banister if you're really about it-

***

Alex: I'm starting spring cleaning soon so I'm studying Marie Kondo!
Frances: That's a coincidence, I'm studying Marie Curie-
John, making a late night snack: That's a coincidence, I'm studying Marie Callendar-

***

Alex: And why are you holding my hand-
John: It helps me focus-

***

[shopping at a home decor store]

Alec: These three monkeys covering their eyes, mouth and ears symbolise the need of cooperation and-
John: LOOK IT'S A COW WEARING BOOTS-

***

John: *drops keys*
John: You've got to be key-ding me-

***

Alex: I really like Eminem-
John: I prefer skittles-
Alex: No I meant the rapper-
John: Why would you eat the wrapper-
Philip: The wrapper's the best part-

***

Angie: Turkey farm?
Philip: No-
Timmy: Skunks?
Philip: No-
Frances: Slaughterhouse?
Philip: No-
John: What are you doing back there?
Philip: We're playing 'what's that odor?'
Angie: Dad's feet?
John: a N g i E-
Philip: You win Angie!
John: p i P-
Timmy: Are we there yet Dada-
John: I'll tell you when we get there. Go back to your smell game-

***

Alex: Tall people are the enemy-
John: Can't hear you hating all the way down there-
Alex: I'll tie your shoelaces together and you won't know until it's too late-
John: Who said that-

***

John: Do you know how many bones the human body has? It's 206. You start with 369 when you're a baby, but they fuse together-
John: Wouldn't you want to go back? Have as many bones as a baby? What if I could help you-
Alex: Hi yeah what in the actual, literal, gEnUiNe w O r L d does this mean-

***

Alex: Who's dog is this?
John: Oh it's probably one of mine-
Philip: But dad-
John, gathering dogs: They're all mine-
Frances: Dad-
John: All :) of :) them :)

***

John, with his leg stuck in a chair: Now, you may be asking, "How did you do this to yourself John?"
John: Well kids, John has no clue either-

***

Alex, singing to Beyoncé: If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it-
John, running to him with an onion ring: hI I LIKE YOU. CAN I PUT A RING ON YOUR FINGER-

***

John: *jumps onto the bed next to Alex*
John: Once again, fate throws us together-
Alex: We've been married for years. This is our bedroom-

***

Alex: What should we do this weekend?
John: Eat pizza-
Alex: I mean...something romantic-
John: Eat pizza in the rain-

***

Frances: I'm not jealous, I'm envious. Jealousy is when you worry someone will take what you have. Envy is wanting what someone else has. What I feel is envy-
Alex: *checking in a dictionary* Wow she's right-

***

John: Physically: I am here-
John: Mentally: I'm tapping sticks together while sitting on the floor-
John: Philosophically: I am everywhere and nowhere simultaneously-

***

John: *screams into a jar and puts the lid on*
John: Everything's fine-

***

Alex: John was banned from Chili's so we had to go out of town to get food-
John: Well they shouldn't say "all you can eat" if they don't mean it-
Alex: John you ate a chair-

***

John: My breakfast consisted of gummies (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me I'm not eating right??

***

John: There should be an ASMR like, "coffee shop in Rio de Janeiro", and it's just people screaming-
Alex: I think quarantine is forcing you to your limit-

***

John: Momma do you have my shoes-
Eleanor: Why would I have your shoes baby-
John: Because I left them at your house last night-
Eleanor: Why would you leave without your shoes?
John: I don't know! I go a lot of places without shoes. I'm walking barefoot right now! Oh but wait, that's cause I left my shoes at your house last night-

***

John: I am brave. Rollercoasters? Love them. Scary movies? I've seen Ghostbusters like 7 times. I only drive through neighboorhoods that only recently have been gentrified. Yeah, I'm pretty much not afraid of anything-
Also John: *crying because the toaster went off and scared him*

***

John: If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever and you're all invited-
Alex: If?
Philip: Great, the only party I've ever been invited to and he might not even die-

***

John: It's the inside that matters, not the outside-
Alex: Really? Give me an example-
John: Refrigerator-

***

John: Do you ever have that feeling where you look at someone and your heart skips a beat-
Alex: That's called arrhythmia-
John: I get that feeling everytime I see yo-
Alex: People can die from it-
John: I know you're smart but can you shut up for o N e second-

***

John, dreamily: You're so beautiful..the love of my life....I feel complete now that you're here-
Alex with dead eyes as he watches the waiter place John's dinner on the table: Why does it feel like I'm third wheeling you and the food every time we're on a date-

***

Alex: So what's for dinner?
John, staring at the food he just burnt: Regret-

***

[texting]

John: good morning lex, let's get this bread!
Alex: good morning john. send me a picture of the bread you want and i will see if the store has it. love you

***

[Philip and Frances sitting on a bench]

John: Why do you guys look so sad-
Philip: Sit down with us so we can tell you-
John: *sits down*
Frances: The bench is freshly painted-
John:

***

Alex: Guess what's for dinner-
Angie: Quail?
Alex: ....when have we ever had quail? Do people even eat quail?

***

Alex: Frankie? What're you writing-
Frances: A fanfic-
Alex: About what-
Frances: You and Dad-
Alex: W-What? Why?
Frances: Dad told me to. I'm getting paid-
John: THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ANONYMOUS YOU F O O L-

***

John: Everywhere I turn, BAM there's Koda-
Alex: ...that's because you're following him around-

***

Alex: So what does your fortune in your cookie say?
John, chewing the whole thing: My what in my what now-

***

Alex: John what does Y-E-S spell-
John: Yes-
Alex: Alright what does E-Y-E-S spell-
John: Ee-yes?
Alex: Baby. What does E-Y-E-S spell-
John: Ee-yes!
Alex: John, think. What. Does. E-Y-E-S spell-
John: Ee-yes!!
Alex: Eyes-
John: What-
Alex: It spells eyes-
John:
John: o H-

***

[dropping John off at the airport for a business trip]

Alex: Have a safe flight-
John: I have no say in the matter-
Philip: *getting back in the car* Then die-

***

John: What's something weird you like-
Alex: I like it when guys roll up their sleeves so you can see their forearms-
John, looking down and realizing he only has two arms: Oh-

***

John: I'm feelin it-
Alex: ?
John: Supercalifragilisticexistentialcrisis-

***

Philip: I am so tired of this-
Frances: I just want to get out of this house-
Alex: John how are you dealing with this quarantine-
John, who hasn't left his bed in days: This what-

***

Alex: You're starting to forget your Spanish. You don't practice-
John: Lo siento cariño. Estoy embarazada-
Alex: You just told me you're pregnant-
Frances, to John: Congratulations. You're glowing-

***

John: Dear naps, I'm sorry I was jerk to you when I was a kid-

***

Alex: So are you in an 'I just need to rest' kind of bad mood or are you in an 'I'm about to smash stuff with a bat' kind of mood-
John, lying on a couch, a bat clutched to his chest: I haven't decided yet-

***

Alex: Any questions?
John: Why is it called toothpaste when it should be called teethpaste-
Alex: I meant about the game-
John: It should be called teethpaste and you know it-

***

Alex: What are the hardest things to say?
Frances: I was wrong-
Philip: I need help-
John: Worcestershire sauce-

***

John: [counting on his fingers]
Doctor: I just asked for your age-
John: Can you shut up for a second-

***

Alex: Hey babe-
John: *sitting in front of the tv, crying softly*
Alex: Oh...did the documentary mention another bird that mates for life?
John: *nodding and crying*

***

Kidnappers: We kidnapped your husband-
John: You kidnapped Alex?
Kidnappers: Yeah-
John: Oh, well can you tell him to pick up some milk when he gets back-

***