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John: Babe you haven't looked at me in 10 minutes-
Alex: We're watching a movie-
John: Did I ask for an excuse-

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John: I hate the term "spinal fluid". It conjures up horrible imagery in my mind-
John: Like, what if I could just lightly tap a spigot attached to my spinal column and say 'come get y'all juice'-
Alex: John it's 3 in the morning-

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Alex: You're standing on thin ice-
Angie: No, I'm standing on the floor-
Alex: It's an expression-
Angie: It's a carpet-

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John: *speeding on the highway*
Police officer: Pull over!
John: Actually it's a cardigan but thanks for noticing-

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[au where John is a bartender]

Guy: I'll have a martini dry-
John, looking at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this-

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John: Are you busy?
Alex: Yes-
John: Cool. Listen to this-

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Alex: Why would you watch the home shopping channel all day?
John: I would have to get up from the sofa to get the remote and change the channel so I chose the lesser of the two evils-

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[after friends cancel plans to go out]

John: This is an absolute crime, but I'm looking so good right now. Ain't none of my friends be out but y'all gonna see me today! Y'all goNNA SEE ME-

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Person on the phone: Am I speaking to the head of the household?
John, passing the phone to Angie: It's for you-

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John: So what's the new rule here?
Frances and Angie: No daring Philip to do stupid stuff-
John: Why?
Philip, grumpily: Because I have no regard for my personal well being-

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Alex: Whenever I'm sad, I remember that the Welsh word for microwave is 'popty ping'-
John: That...helps-

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John: Your eyes are brighter than the brightest stars-
John: In fact, if your eyes went on vacation or something and the two brightest stars in the sky came down to house-sit your eye sockets, even your cheeks would be brighter than them-
John: Your whole facial area in general is really bright-
John: The stars will be so ashamed that they'll become plumbers or accountants or something dull and basically the opposite of bright-
Alex: I am begging you to stop-

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John: *on the verge of tears* So basically it's been been the worst day ever-
Alex: Will hearing some gossip make you feel better-
John: *sniffles* Yeahhh-

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John: Look at the monkey!!
Alex: That's a statue of a bear-
Philip: I thought it was a person!?!

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Alex: Right now a baby is being born. Right now someone just clogged a public toilet and is running out of the stall as fast as they can. Life goes on-
John: ...I hope that wasn't the same person-

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Alex: Where'd all those cookies go?
John: They're gone. I'm sorry-
John: If it makes you feel any better, they weren't very good-
Alex: ...so you ate all of them anyway?
John:

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John: Twenty. You had twenty days to do this project-
John: ...and you waited till the last minute Philip?
Philip: Technically the last minute isn't until 8:59 tomorrow morning-

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Philip, recovering in the hospital: You call it a near death experience, I call it a vibe check from God-
Alex: *smacks him upside the head*
John: *frantically checking google to find out what a 'vibe check' is*

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Alex: I got a round face with chubby cheeks because I got love stored in them-

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John: When I get murdered can you make sure I become an unsolved case-
Alex: WhaT-
John: I want to be on Buzzfeed unsolved-
Alex: Can we go back to the part where you said 'when I get murdered'-

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Alex: If I tell you a secret, do you promise not to tell-
John: Yes of course-
Alex: *scoots in*
Alex: *kisses his cheek*
John:
John: What was the secret-

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John: What if Louis Armstrong said "I can't"? You think he'd have walked on the moon?
Frances: Louis Armstrong was a singer-

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John: *staring at the wall*
Alex: Babe what's wrong-
John: Did you know that "rap" stands for "rhyme and poetry"-
Alex:
Alex: *sits down and joins him in staring at the wall*

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Alex: Tell me a secret-
John: One time, Philip, who's all about sparing all living things, accidentally stepped on a ladybug. He froze up and cradled it in his hands, and he was so heartbroken he started quoting Hamlet-
John: I didn't have the heart to tell him it was a red M&M-

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Alex: Question. How long does a stick of deodorant last you-
John: Usually three or four bites-
Alex: Why do I even bother-

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John: Today I had an entire pot of coffee, exercised for two hours, ate literally 80 pizza rolls, and took a long, relaxing bath-
John: The line between self-care and self-destruction is a fine one, but boy do I ride it hard-

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John: *suddenly wakes up from a nap*
John: You know what would be weird? If there was a driver's ed teacher named Ed Driver-
John: *falls right back asleep*
Alex: ?!?!?

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[at Angie's kindergarten graduation]

John: I feel like a proud momma hen whose baby chick learned to fly!
Alex: Interesting analogy. Chickens are famously bad at flying-

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John: I love making short jokes about Alex-
John: They go right over his head-
John: *snickers*

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Alex: Peekaboo is essentially making fun of babies for not understanding object permanence-
John: I've made fun of babies for less-

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Alex: Any other meaningless conspiracy theories?
John: Yes! Did you know that Gogurt is just yogurt-

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John, spraying whipped cream directly into his mouth: Therapy-

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John: I'm mixing my 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner with toothpaste so in the mornings I can just dump my head in a bucket of it with my mouth open and be good to go-
Alex: Please don't do that-

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Alex: Can you tell me what happened?! Why do the kids need medical attention?!
John: Philip woke me up at 4am by playing Spooky Scary Skeletons and then I chased him until he tripped over the speaker-
Philip: *peace signs*
Alex: And how did Frances get involved?
John: She laughed until she fractured a rib-

***

John: See if you're charming, intriguing, and have good negotiation skills, you can, in fact, keep your soul while bargaining with some sort of centuries-old entity, demonic or otherwise-
Alex: What even prompted this-
John: I went to a car dealership-

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Alex: You're grounded-
Angie: Obama wouldn't treat me like this-
Alex: What?
Angie: Papa, Obama care-
Alex:
Alex: Angie no-

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John: Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don't have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger-
Alex: John go to bed-

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John: When will the clown sightings happen again? That was fun-
Frances: Look in the mirror and it'll start today-

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Alex: I'm going away for five days, try not to go crazy without me-
John: Okay, no big deal, five days is nothing. I'm not afraid to be alone with my own thoughtsa
Alex: *leaves*
John: My thoughts are awesome-
John: Puppies wearing bowties! Pizza bagel restaurant! No one loves me, I'm going to die alone-
John: Oh boy that escalated quickly-

***

[at the zoo]

John: What are they in for?
Alex: John this is not prison-
John: So they can leave?
Alex: No, but-
John, pointing at a penguin: I bet that one murdered someone-

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Alex, drunk: I don't know why people make such a big deal out of lying. You just say stuff. You still think my name's Alex-
John, also drunk: w H a T-

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John: While I'm gone, Philip, you're in charge-
Philip: Yes!
John, whispering: Frances, you're secretly in charge-
Frances: Duh-

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Philip: What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises??
John: It becomes daytrogen-
Alex:
Alex: *sighs* I'm going to bed-
John: Good nitrogen-
Philip: Sleep tightrogen!
Timmy: Don't let the bed bugs bitrogen!

***

John, about to spray air freshener into the ceiling fan: This is gonna be so efficient-
John, 3 seconds later: I HAVE MADE A MISTAKE-

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Alex: God nerfed me by making me short but as soon as I fix that I'm coming for him-

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John, eating whipped cream and waffles: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Alex, eating a slice of bacon: People are idiots John-

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Alex, in his head at the supermarket: Nobody is ever going to love me omg 25% off-

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John: Alright, questions?
Philip: If cows ruled the world, would they drink human milk?
John: About the board game-

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[driving]

John: What happens if I press accelerate and brake at the same time?
Alex: It takes a screenshot-

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Alex: Compliment me-
John: Barbecue sauce-
Alex: Thanks-

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John: No monsters under your bed-
Angie: I know, they're behind you now-
John:
John: What-

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John: How loud would it be if every cat meowed at once?
Alex: The average cat meow is 65/75dB, above speaking volume but below shouting. There are approximately 2 billion cats in the world. So, by that math, 130 to 150 dB, which is about 100 million dragons all roaring at once-
John:
John, doing finger guns: Cat-astrophically loud!

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John: I'm sick of the "handsome strong prince saves helpless princess". We need more "Handsome strong princess saves helpless prince". Or even better, pirates-

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[texting]

John: answer your phone
Philip: Gimme a minute, I can't find my phone
John: okay
[later]
John: you are an awful child. you know you're killing me. you're killing your father pip

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John: Platypuses are animals that produce both eggs and milk, which makes them portable sources of omelets-
Alex: Can we p l e a s e have a normal family dinner-

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Alex, holding out a deck of cards: Pick a card, any card-
Frances: *reaches into Alex's pocket*
Alex: That's my credit card!
Frances, walking away: Abracadabra-

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John: Used my pasta water from breakfast to make my coffee-
Alex: Is it...good?
John: No❤

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John: Just made some rare chicken, absolutely delicious!
Alex: You're going to get salmonella-
John: No it's chicken not salmon-

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John: Poison doesn't know it's poison-
Alex: I don't know what that even means-

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John: Hate when people think I know stuff. I don't know anything, I just use Google. I Google simple words because they look like they're spelled wrong and I can't be sure. I Google how to boil eggs every time I do it. This is who I am-

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