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LAURENS207

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John: I almost got surprise adopted yesterday-
Alex: What?
Philip: He almost got kidnapped-
Alex: Oh okay-
Alex: WAIT WHAT-

***

Eleanor: So, what is John to you?
Alex: The reason I wake up every morning-
Eleanor: ...that's adorable-
John earlier that morning, barging into Alex's room, smacking pans together: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP-

***

John: *reaches for fries on Alex's plate*
Alex: *slams a grocery store divider between them*
John:
Alex:
John: You said you didn't take that-
Alex: And you said you didn't want fries yet here we are-

***

Philip, running into the room: HEY-
John: ˢʰʰʰ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵒᵍˢ ᵃʳᵉ ˢˡᵉᵉᵖᶦⁿᵍ⁻
Philip: ᵒʰ ᵒᵏᵃʸ⁻
John: ʷʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ᵘᵖ⁻
Philip: ᵗʰᵉ ᵏᶦᵗᶜʰᵉⁿ'ˢ ᵒⁿ ᶠᶦʳᵉ⁻

***

Frances: What would you say if I broke my arm-
Alex, about to have a heart attack: Do not!! Do not do that-
Frances:
Frances: What would you say if I broke my arm twenty minutes ago-

***

Alex: dRINK THE MEDICINE-
Angie: NO NEVER I'D RATHER THROW UP AGAIN, AT LEAST THAT WOULD TASTE BETTER-
Alex: IT'LL MAKE YOU HEALTHY AGAIN-
Angie: I'LL GET HEALTHY USING MY INDEPENDENT WOMAN ENERGY-
Alex: OH MY GOD YOU DEVIL CHILD JUST DRINK IT-
Angie: SAY NO TO DRUGS KIDS-
[meanwhile]
John: Timmy can you please drink your medicine-
Timmy: Okay-
Alex: whY DID YOU GET THE GOOD ONE-

***

John, to all of the kids: Can you all just- be serious for five minutes?
Philip: Our record is three and a half-

***

John: Don't eyelashes count as facial hair?
Alex:
Alex: I'm gonna give you one last chance to shut up-

***

John: So it turns out a squirrel would need to fall about 4800 miles in order to die because that would give it time to starve to death because they can survive terminal velocity-
Alex: Peaches I am begging you it's 2:30 in the morning-

***

John: Y'all make me feel claustrophobic-
Philip: What's that mean?
Alex: It means he's afraid of Santa Clause-
Philip, threateningly: HO HO HO-
Frances: Stop it Flip! You're scaring him!

***

Alex: Pst-
Angie:
Alex: Pst!
Angie: Yes Papa?
Alex, jokingly: A little elf told me that this year you're on the naughty list-
Angie:
Angie: Did that elf tell you why?
Alex: I-
Angie: Tell me what the snitch said-

***

Alex: When I was-
Alex: A young boy-
Alex: My father-
John: ATE AN ENTIRE LEMON. HE DIDN'T SQUEEZE IT OUT ONTO ANYTHING. HE DIDN'T CUT IT INTO PIECES. HE DIDN'T EVEN TAKE THE SKIN OFF. HE JUST STUFFED THE ENTIRE THING INTO HIS MOUTH AND SWALLOWED. I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO HORRIBLE IN MY LIFE-
Alex: To see a marching band-

***

John: I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing-
John: *looks at Alex napping on his shoulder*
John: But I know that I'm doing it really really well-

***

Alex after impulsively buying a $25 tortilla blanket on Amazon: John. Come here-
John, in a mood: Do nOt touch me-
Alex, slowly wrapping the blanket around John's shoulders: My little chicken enchilada. My spiky taco baby. Crunchy chalupa-
John: I will literally break every single one of your fingers-

***

John: I hope I get run over-
Alex: Aww c'mon! It's Christmas! Get in the spirit!
John:
John: I hope I get runover by a reindeer-
Alex: n O-

***

John: I'm willing to do a lot of things-
John: But admitting to Alex that I'm cold after he told me to bring a jacket is not one of them-

***

John: Guys I've never been good with astronomy. All I know that there are 15 planets-
Alex: Eight-
Philip: So he was off by five-
Frances: Seven!

***

Therapist: So what was your childhood like?
John: Oh you mean my tragic backstory that you must be at level 3 friendship to unlock?
Therapist:
Therapist: Well, what level am I at?
John: 10. So it all started-

***

John: You are all useful members of this family but the Roomba is on thin ice-
Alex: What did the Roomba do?
John: Tried to eat my sock-

***

Alex: Man I love John-
Alex: Sometimes I'll just wake up in the morning and I'll be looking at him in the early light as he's still asleep-
Alex: Then I'll drag a shoelace across his face and yell, "John wake up! There's a bug on your face!"
Alex: And he'll wake up screaming-

***

John: Every time I go to a hotel, I take a bite of the soap. Just to mess with people.
Alex: You do realize that by eating soap you're the one who's losing right?
Philip: You're just jealous he was brave enough to taste the Forbidden White Chocolate-
John: White chocolate's disgusting!
Alex: AND SOAP ISN'T?

***

Alex: How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
John: Three hours, believe it or not-
Alex: Straight?
John: No, gay-

***

[John having sleep paralysis]

Frances, t-posing next to John's bed: Jee-lye bee-lye peet rat goo-mye can-dyyyye-
John: Wh-
Timmy, from outside the window: Tye-mee to co-mee aly-vee-
John: How did you-
Angie, taped to the ceiling: Esca-pee the patackee. escA-pee the patAckEeee-
John: Stop-
Philip: *PUNCHES DOWN THE BEDROOM DOOR*
Philip: A rata tat tat-
John: Do NOT-
Philip, charging towards John's bed on all fours: A RATA TAT TAT-

***

Alex: Are you a 'yeet' person or a 'yeehaw' person?
John: Neither, I'm a yeet-haw person-

***

John: Sleep is for the weak-
Alex: You literally go to bed at 8:30-
John: Shut u P-

***

Alex: John has been in the hospital so many times that they gave him a preferred customer card-
John: Yeah! One more broken limb and I win a trip to Hawaii!

***

Alex: You look tired sweetie-
Frances: And you look like a burnt piece of toast 24/7, but do I comment?

***

John: Alex! I have an idea!
Alex, not really paying attention: Yeah?
John: I'M GOING TO TAPE KNIVES TO THE ROOMBA AND RELEASE THEM INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD-
Alex, looking up in panic as he sees John chasing after the roomba: jOhN nO-

***

Alex: Hey John, guess what?
Alex: *gives John a quick peck on the lips before he can say anything* I love you-
John: *can't breathe*

***

Frances: If I was a country I'd be Spain-
Alex:
John:
Philip:
Angie:
Timmy:
Frances: ...WAIT NO-

***

Philip, standing on the counter: VIVA LA RESISTANCE-
Frances: What is he resisting?
Alex: I don't know but I'm on his side-
John: Probably school-

***

Alex, hugging John: You smell minty-
John: Thanks, I swallowed a pack of gum whole-

***

Alex: Don't do anything I wouldn't do-
Alex: So don't eat cheese and don't talk to the cat that lives down the street. You can't trust him-
John: I mean I'll try but if he talks to me first I'm not gonna be rude-

***

Alex: What do we want?
John: WINE-
Alex: When do we want it?
John: WINE-
Alex: Yo you already said that-
Alex: What do we want?
John: WINE-
John: I'm confused-

***

John: Timmy figured out how to secretly stick notes on to people's backs, but he doesn't know that he should write things like 'kick me'-
John: So they just have dinosaur facts on them-

***

John: Believe it or not, God is gay-
Alex:
John:
Alex: Elaborate on that-
John: No-

***

John, laying in bed: No one visits my grave anymore :(
John: Wait I'm not dead-

***

Alex: John?
John: Hey baby! Good morning! How did you sleep? I adopted 32 dogs. Do you want pancakes? I'm gonna make pancakes!

***

Philip: Happy birthday Papa! We have some things to say to you-
Frances: Don't stress about the past, because you can't change it-
Angie: Don't stress about the future, because you can't predict it-
Timmy: And don't stress about the present, because we didn't buy any-
Alex:
John:

***

[when they first met]

John: People claim they want to date me or be my best friend until they have to cheer me up at three in the morning because I had a nightmare that hugs were illegal-
Alex: Oh god you're perfect-

***

[after something chaotic happens]

Alex: Why can't we be normal? Why can't we just do normal things like normal people do? Like brunch??
Philip: *with a mouth full of cheez wiz* What the in the w O r L d is brunch-

***

Alex: Good morning Peaches! How're you doing?
John: Last night I stayed up late and ordered $76 worth of edible cookie dough and macarons online-
Alex: Uh...are you okay-
John: Yes. I'm just really regretting my choices as usual. But how are you?
Alex: Concerned???

***

John: I made a mistake and now I feel dumb-
Alex: It's okay, everyone makes mistakes. Don't be so hard on yourself-
John: I set myself on fire-
Alex: Oh my god h O w-

***

John at 3 AM: I think cheese is better than cake because you can have cheesecake but you can't have cakecheese-
Alex:
Alex: I can't believe I married you-

***

Alex: Smart is attractive. Educate me on some stuff I don't know babe-
John: The mouth of a jellyfish is also a butt-
Alex: Stop-
John: Whale vomit is used in deodorants and toothpaste-
Alex: I beg of you please stop-

***