hehehe i thought of something funnier than 24 👁👄👁
enjoy jully 🥺
LAURENS207

***

Philip: Hey does anyone know how to play the trumpet-
Alex: Why?
Philip: I wanna follow Frances around with one to annoy her-
John: Technically you don't have to know how to play it to do that-
Philip:
Philip: Dad you have opened my eyes-

***

John: At my funeral everyone will be sitting in their seats when all of a sudden "I Like To Move It" by King Julian blasts through the speakers and my lifeless corpse is dropped down by strings like a puppet and starts dancing-
Alex: I-
John: If you say the song's not by King Julian you can die with me-

***

Alex: I don't even know what I'm feeling right now-
John: Try describing it-
Alex: *high pitched scream*

***

John: Can you overdose on vitamin D?
Alex: That's technically how Icarus died-
Angie: iCarly is dead?

***

Alex: I love you-
John, eating potato chips very loudly: You should, I'm a miracle-

***

John: If I punch myself and it hurts, am I weak or strong?
Alex: Strong-
Philip: Weak-
Frances: An idiot-

***

Alex, holding Koda: Stinky-
John, distressed: No!
Alex, waving Koda in the air: Stinky man-
Philip, without looking up: Naughty boy. Brat-
John: nO!!! dOnT bE m E a N!!

***

Alex: Why are you like this-
John: *sitting criss cross apple sauce in a rolling office chair spinning in circles dressed in punk clothes while eating straight out of a jar of jumbo nutella* I don't know but I blame Gerard Way-

***

John: Living, I think, has always been a large part of my life. I began living at a very young age. Ever since then, I have been alive-
Alex: This is why you never went to college-

***

John: I hope that when the human race goes extinct, the aliens see all of our "Jesus is coming" signs and assume that he ate us-
Alex: What is wrong with you-

***

John, age 7: What do you mean a midnight snack? You mean you woke up at MIDNIGHT just to eat?
John, an adult: h

***

Dentist: Open up please-
John: Sometimes I get sad-

***

Alex: Do any of you have any healthy stress outlets?
Frances: Screaming-
Philip: Vandalism-
John: Wine-
Angie: Manipulation-
Alex: Okay so we have screaming-

***

John: Momma's just upset because the historically entrenched patriarchy has created a culture of victim-shaming that supresses any power in our masculo-phallic system-
Eleanor:
Alex:
John: I couldn't sleep last night so I watched a documentary on Netflix about feminism-
Alex: I love you-

***

John: People who sleep without socks are weird-
Alex: People who sleep WITH socks are not to be trusted-
Frances: People who sleep are weird-
Philip: I was a sock once-

***

Alex: So how are you?
John: I think I stole a dog-

***

Eleanor: I made beef tenderloins-
Philip: Thanks!
Frances: Looks great!
John: Budapest is gonna love this-
Alex: Budapest?
John: Yeah I named my stomach Budapest-
Timmy: Huh?
Angie: Why?
John: Because it's the capital of HUNGRY-
Everyone:
Philip: *leaves the table*

***

Alex, being honest with the kids: Sometimes
I feel like I have failed as your father-
Angie: SOMETIMES?

***

Alex: Have you seen your dad or Philip?
Frances: No, but have you tried the insane asylum, where everyone in this family sHoULd be?

***

John, twenty minutes late to dinner with rainbow sunglasses, sparkles all over him, and wrapped in a gay pride flag: I would say I'm sorry but I'm not-

***

Alex: That's weird, isn't it a little early for the trees to be changing color?
John: Yeah, it's only *looks at wrist where he has a bandaid with a clock face drawn on it* June o'clock-
Alex: It's amazing you've survived this long-
John: It's cause God hates me and won't let me die for longer than ten minutes at a time-
Alex:
Alex: w H a T-

***

Alex: Tall people are the enemy-
John: Can't see you hating all the way down there-
Alex:
Alex: I will tie your shoelaces together and you wont even know till it's too late-

***

John: Oh so when Timmy pulls pranks it's "cute" and "funny" but when I do it's "traumatic" and "almost killing my husband"??
Alex: YOU LAUNCHED YOURSELF AT ME SCREAMING AND MADE ME FALL OFF THE ROOF-

***

Alex: If anything goes wrong, fake a heart attack-
John: What are we thinking? The classic angina? Or something sexier, like a myocardial infarction?
Alex: Just drop to the ground and wiggle-

***

John: You need to react when people cry-
Frances: I did. I rolled my eyes-

***

Alex: "Gay rights"? True-
Alex: As a gay, I'm always right-

***

John: A hypothesis is just a science headcanon-
Alex Please just shut up-

***

[After John gets back from a vacation]

John: Hey guys long time no see, what's up?
Philip and Frances: *t-posing at each other silently*
John:

***

John: You call it "terrible at darts", I call it "freestyle acupuncture"-
Bartender: Sir I'm going to have to ask you to leave-

***

John: I'm in Spain-
John:
John: Oh sorry, the "s" is silent-

***

John: Hello officer I'm uhh colorblind, I couldn't tell the light was red-
Police Officer: Ok but you stole this car-

***

John: Hey can I play some music?
Alex: I guess-
John: *pulls out a trumpet* How do you feel about Veggie Tales-

***

[3 am]

Alex: Shouldn't you be asleep?
John: I'm supposed to be many things-
John: I live to disappoint-

***

Philip: DADDD-
Philip: HE'S HERE AGAIN-
John: *grabbing a broom* Oh my goD this happens every night now-
Philip: He's under the bed-
Jason Derulo, from under the bed: 𝓳𝓪𝓼𝓸𝓷 𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓾𝓵𝓸
John: Get out Jason, we're not going to give you any more money. Don't make me use this broom-
Jason Derulo, fleeing: 𝓳𝓪𝓼𝓸𝓷 𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓾𝓵𝓸

***

Alex: On a scale from "d*mn Daniel" to "Fre-sha-vaca-do", how are you feeling?
John: In between "It's an avocado, thanks" and "How did you defeat Captain America?" but as a solid answer I would say "I don't need no degree to be a clothing hanger". How about you?
Alex: Probably "road work ahead".
Angie: I speak many languages, and this is not one of them-

***

John: *sees a snake*
John: What a beautiful snek-
Alex: What-
John: So smooth, the cutest snek-
Alex: Snake?
John: Snek-
Alex: Snake-
John: Snek-
Alex: SNAKE-
Alex: *grabs Philip and points at it*
Philip:...oh look a snek-
Alex: *screams*

***

John: You gotta be dunkin my donuts-
Alex: You gotta be huttin' my pizza-
Frances: You gotta be mackin' my donalds, man-
Philip: Wendy's-

***

Angie: Hey Papa, can you help me spell the word "delicious"?
Alex: D to the E to the L I C I O U S to the D to the E to the to the to the-
John: HIT IT FERGIE-

***

Philip: My stomach growled super loud in French oh my god-
Philip: I would like to clarify my stomach did not growl in French. It growled in French class I apologize-
John: Bonjour-
Alex: Le growl-
Frances: Hon hon hon feed me a baguette -
Philip: Why do I even talk to you guys-

***

Alex : I swear to God if you continue to steal the kitchen utensils I'm gonna leave-
John: That's a whisk I'm willing to take-

***

Frances: He's so immature sometimes-
Alex: Remember when he found out he could drink 2 Capri Suns at once?
John, running in with three Capri suns: GUYS YOU ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS-

***

Angie: When there's an earthquake, coffins become underground maracas-
Alex: Thanks for that terrifying visual-

***

John, crawling to the kitchen at 3 AM: WHERE is the appley juice-
Alex, hitting him with a broom: WHAT *smack* THE *smack* HECK *smack smack smack*

***

John: When I go to jail I'm changing my name to mitochondria, because mi-
Alex: Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, yeah we get it-
Philip, tearing up: That's genius-
Frances: So is no one gonna bring up the fact he said 'when' instead of 'if'-

***

John: Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family-
Alex: Are you Canadian-

***

John: "Ladies and gentlemen" is unnecessarily gendered, overly formal, lengthy, and honestly I'm falling asleep already-
John: "Cowards", on the other hand, is inclusive to all genders, casual and fun, short and to the point, exciting, and dramatic-

***

Alex: Once I saw someone write "LGTB" instead of "LGBT" and it confused me, but now I love it because it's a perfect acronym for "Let's guillotine the bourgeoisie"-
Philip: Let's get this bread-
John: Bread is exactly what the French wanted when they guillotined the bourgeoisie-

***

Genie: You get one wish-
John: I wish for more-
Genie: No wishing for more wishes-
John:
Genie:
John: I wish for more genies
Genie: Oh my god-
All of the new genies: Oh my god-

***

John and Alex: *having a staring contest*
Alex: I'm sure I'll win this-
John: Oh really? How?
Alex: Easy. If you don't blink, it means you don't love me-
John: *immediately blinking 19 times* yoU'RE EVIL-

***

John: Have you heard of Murphy's law?
Alex: Yeah-
John: What is it?
Alex: If something can go wrong, it will go wrong-
John: Right. Have you heard of Cole's law?
Alex: No, what is it?
John: Thinly sliced cabbage-
Alex: Please stop, you're not that funny-
Philip: *rolling on the floor laughing* COLESLAW-

***

John: You know, if you watch the Lion King closely, you can find a lot of Simbalism-
Alex:
Philip: *wheezes from the other room*

***

Alex: *yawns*
John: I suppose being so pretty must be tiring-
Alex: So you must be exhausted-
John: *blushes madly*
Alex: :)
Philip: Oh really guys? Really? RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD?

***

Alex: Sometimes I feel like I just don't fit anywhere-
John: What are you talking about?
John: You fit right here in my arms-
Alex: *sobbing and hugging John*

***