i wanted to make more so here we goooo
hi jully 👁👄👁 hope you like them!
LAURENS207

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John, drunk: *about Alex* I just...I love him so much-
John: Do you think he knows I exist?
Eleanor: You're married to him so I'd really hope so-

***

Alex: Admit it John. You choose favorites-
John: How dare you! I love Koda and the non-Kodas equally!

***

John: Everyone who was a child as a kid is an adult now-
Alex: John it's 3 am. Shut up and go back to sleep-

***

John: Momma freaked out because I told her I never drink water, so now she's making me drink 8 glasses a day-
John: I mean, there's water in soda, there's water in coffee, there's little pools of water on pizza-
Alex: That's grease John-
John: Well it's wet, isn't it?

***

Frances: I'm going to fill Flip's room with rubber ducks-
Alex: No you're not-
Frances: Aww c'mon you're no fun-
Alex: You're going to fill his room with REAL ducks. And geese, maybe some chickens too-

***

Alex: What happened this time?
John, in a hospital bed: That doesn't concern you-
John: But if you were wondering whether apes liked to be given hugs after they get rejected by a mate, the answer is no-

***

Alex: Well, life is like a box of chocolates! You never know what you're going to get.
John:
John: Chocolates Lex, you'd get chocolates-

***

John: On the outside I am human but on the inside I am pasta and sin-

***

John: I'm sick of all this!! If you guys keep this up I'm done with all of you!
Alex: I am not apologizing for putting a hotel on boardwalk-
John, tearing up: Friends and family discount!
Philip: thATS NOT HOW MONOPOLY WORKS-

***

Eleanor: So what are your plans tonight?
John, having a That's So Raven flash forward to him and Alex drinking wine and watching Dance Moms: I don't know, probably going to try and get some sleep-

***

John, texting Alex: hey lex i'm out to lunch. if the sims i trapped in a bedroom finally fall in love, call me IMMEDIATELY. yes i know they look like us. thanks

***

John: Just once in my life I want to get up without experiencing the seven stages of grief-
Alex: There are only five stages of grief-
Philip: We're here for y-
Frances: Wait, what are the extra two stages?
John: Denial 2 and Astral Projection-

***

Alex: Why are videos of crabs holding knives such a phenomenon?
John: They can't hold guns-
Angie: Yet-

***

John: My beautiful angel, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into darkness if I knew it'd make you happy-
Alex: Can I have a chip?
John: I'm sorry but these are, unfortunately, my chips-

***

John: Permission to fight the sun?
Alex: I'm not sure how you plan to do that but go ahead-

***

Alex, clinging to John like a koala: I don't have a problem, I can let go whenever I want-
John: Then let go-
Alex: I don't want-

***

John: And when all was lost, I had an epiphany-
John, earlier that day: I am going to throw myself into the sea-

***

John: If you think about it, birds are just rocks with wings-
Alex:
John:
Alex: I-
Alex: W H A T-

***

John: Tim? Are you okay?
Timmy: I'll be okay. My fish just died-
John, trying his best: Yeah they do that-

***

Alex: Hey John! How're you feeling?
John: Like a baggie full of warm soup. Not hot soup, but soup that you definitely should have let cool for longer than you did before putting it in a baggie-
Alex: That was so specific and concerning. Can I get you anything?
John: Some new bones-
Alex:
Alex: So once again that was really deeply weird and I love you so much but I really don't want to catch whatever is going on with you so I'll be back to check on you later-

***

Philip: I'm going to take advantage of the social isolation to learn to play the tuba-
John: Oh please god no-

***

[smoke detector goes off in the middle of the night]
[everyone rushes downstairs]
Alex: Is everyone okay? John what are you-
John, holding a lit piece of paper directly under the smoke detector: Now that everyone is here-
John: Who drank my chocolate milk?

***

Alex: How'd you get those birds?
John: By using my big fat brain-
[cut to John outside, holding a sack and some bread]
John: Get in the bag you stupid bird-
John: Eat the bread! Eat the bread!
John: I gotcha. I gotcha!!

***

John, on 17 different types of energy drinks at 3am: I am fire. I am embers. I am flames. I am DEATH-
Alex: A freakin nightmare is what you are-

***

Alex: The outburst I had at Joann's Fabrics is not reflective of who I am-

***

John: I have discovered a packet of gold glitter!!
[5 minutes later]
John: How do you clean glitter off a keyboard I'm asking for a friend-

***

John: Alright everybody, this next song is called "I'm Suffering" and it's me smashing my head into the piano and screaming. Hope you like it, it's a bop-

***

Alex: Impress me-
John: I can talk to animals-
Alex: Prove it-
John, to a duck: Hello you stupid duck-

***

Alex: John whats two plus two?
John: Who do you think I am? Richard Feynman or something? Get outta here-
Alex:
Alex: John who's Richard Feynman?
John: Richard Phillips Feynman (born May 11, 1918, died February 15, 1988) was an American theoretical physicist, known for his work in the path integral formulation of quantum mechanics, the theory of quantum electrodynamics and the physics of-

***

Alex: Are you okay?
John, lying face down on the side walk: I'm having me time-

***

John: Why are you two always out during thunderstorms?
Alex: It's so peaceful and refreshing. I love the smell of fresh rainfall-
Philip: Frances bet me $12 I couldn't get struck by lightning and she's WRONG-

***

John: Who needs drugs when the world spins whenever you stand up too fast-
Alex: Please drink water-

***

Alex: Every time I learn something new it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course and forgot how to drive?
John: That's because you were drunk-

***

John: I'm no marine biologist-
John: But sharks don't have arms-

***

Philip: You should stop feeding us dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets-
Eleanor: But you love your dinosaur nuggets!
Philip: Yea, when we were little!
Frances: We're older now!
Alex and John: *playing with dino nuggets* rAWR RAWR RAWR-

***

John: *to all the kids* Don't all y'all have to be stupid somewhere else?
Philip: Not til 4-

***

Alex: John's a responsible husband. He really knows how to stay on task and get things done-
John: I feel like I'm going to spontaneously burst into tears, I'm on my 8th cup of coffee today, I have a 12 page paper for work due in 3 days that I haven't started yet, and I almost tried to chew headache pills because I forgot you had to swallow them-

***

John: I cant find the dairy free cheese Alex wants, so if you see it, yell-
Philip, upon spotting said cheese: *points at it and starts screaming at the top of his lungs*
John, screaming louder: NOT LIKE THAT P I P-

***

John, who hasn't slept in 3 days: ALEX-
John: WHY ARENT THE PLATES IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER-
Alex, crying: whAT DO YOU MEAN JOHN-

***

John: Oh no I'm having one of those headaches with pictures-
Alex: Babe that's called an idea-

***

[loud crinkly noises]
Angie: ...what's that?
[noises continue]
Philip: Oh my god, it's-
Alex: JOHN NO-
John: *running away with the last piece of cake*

***

John: Octopi could hug 4 people simultaneously, because god blessed them with the ability. However, they don't even hug one person, because they have made covenant with the devil. Any questions-
Churchgoer: Where is our regular pastor-
John: In a better place. Sit down immediately-

***

[AU where john is a pilot]

John: Attentiom passengers this is your pilot speaking, we're about to be experiencing some heavy turbulence shortly so please strap in. This loser just bet that I couldn't do a 360 barrel roll in this thing and let's just say that I'm about to be $20 richer real soon-

***

Alex: Lets get one thing straight—
Alex: I'm not-

***

Alex: I sold my mattress on ebay a couple nights back so I could have money to buy a pet-
Alex: My back? Stiff-
Alex: My husband? Mad-
Alex: My iguana? The s i c k e s t-

***

John: Why would I pay $5 for a grilled cheese?
John: Oh wait they're delivering them?
John: Ok buy 3-

***

John: The transformers all think they're so slick in their disguises but they literally have the transformers logos all over themselves. Like. We all been knew-
Alex: We're watching Frozen right now why are you even thinking about this-

***

John: I want to show you a picture from last night that really upset me-
Philip: Okay but in my defense, Frances bet me 50 cents that I couldn't drink all that shampoo-
John: That's not what I-
John: You drank SHAMPOO??

***

John: I swear I'll never have a drink again-
Alex: You're drinking right now-
John: *stares at the drink in his hand* How'd that get there?
John: *shrugs and starts drinking it*

***

Alex: We're not getting stupid onesies!
*cut to Alex snuggling on the couch with John, the kids, and the dogs*
Alex: We got the stupid onesies-

***