i haven't made one of these in a while so hopefully i can find more quotes lmaooo
hi jully 👁👄👁 hope you enjoy! 🥺
LAURENS207

***

[watching the x files]

Alex: Do we really have to watch this-
John: y E s-
Alex: But it's stupid-
John: *gasps*
John: hugging the tv while talking to it: Shh don't worry, you're not stupid, Alex is-
John: ALIENS, ALEX. A L I E N S-

***

John: *throws frisbee*
Alex: *catches it*
John: Nice! Now throw it back-
Alex: *throws it back*
John:
John: I meant the frisbee Alex-

***

Alex: Hornets don't make honey, only bees do!
John, holding a baseball bat: I just don't think there's any science to support that-

***

John: I just burned 2000 calories-
Alex: Oh wow!
John: Yep-
John:
John: I forgot the cookies in the oven-

***

[texting]

John: alex i spilled my soup on the floor
John: does the five second rule also apply to soup?
John: ...
John: please hurry it's been three seconds already

***

John: How high was I last night?
Alex: You forget what milk was and called it cereal water-

***

Alex: Name one mean thing I have ever done to you-
John, rolling out a list: First you convinced me that eggs weren't real, second-

***

John: I'm fairly certain you're trying to scare me. I'm not sure why, but may I suggest a spider wearing a suit?
Alex: Why wearing a suit? Why not just a spider?
John: Where did he get the suit? How did he fasten the buttons? Why does he feel the need to dress for the occasion?

***

Alex: A red wine please-
Cashier: This is a McDonalds-
Alex: A McWine then-

***

[after John starts a YouTube channel]

John: Welcome to my very first vlog in which I try different hair products-
[sprays hairspray into mouth]
John: Well right off the bat I could tell you this one is not very good-

***

Alex: Bought another houseplant and my serotonin is through the roof, I have so much serotonin i can set things on fire with my mind-

***

John: Mark my words, I will return-
Alex: Great. Bring some milk and eggs back with you, we ran out-

***

John: Don't ask me what I'm talking about, I don't know okay? I'm just a vessel. The message has been gifted. I've moved on-
McDonald's cashier: Sir please just repeat your order-

***

Alex: I need a minimum of 2 hours at the start of every day to just vibe before I actually begin my day-

***

John: There are over 7 billion people on the earth-
Philip, who crawled in their bed once again: That means there are over 14 billion nipples-
Alex: It's 3 am and you both should be asleEP-

***

Alex: That wasn't very 🌿🐝🌙🌱🌻🍄🌲🌷☀️ of you-

***

John: So tonight I was thinking we could play Chinese Checkers and say all the things we like about each other-
Kidnappers, crying: Your family paid the ransom 3 days ago, please go home-

***

John: Wow! I love your "cottagecore" aesthetic!
The entire Amish town he has wandered into: Please leave-

***

Alex, who just saw John walk into a lamp post: Oh my god are you okay-
John: Me? Yes. My eye? No, it's playing checkers with Jesus up in heaven-

***

John: You have no idea what I'm capable of!
Alex: Don't take this personally, but I feel like I'm being threatened by a cupcake-

***

Alex : I have one braincell and I use it to overthink-

***

Alex: How do I look?
Angie: With your eyes Papa-

***

John: Alex! There's a message in my cereal!
John: It says o-o-o-o-
Alex: Babe those are cheerios-

***

John: Just ate some strawberries, turns out life really is worth living-

***

Alex: When you shake laminated paper and it does the thing-
John: FWUBFWUBFWUUBBUFFBUFFWUB-
Alex: Exactly-

***

John, walking into the doctors office: Going in to get my tetris shot-

***

Alex walking into the kitchen at 3am: Oh my gOd you scared me-
Frances sitting on the counter and eating ice cream from the container: Understandable. I'm naturally terrifying-

***

John: I'm not a baby anymore! I'm an adult!
Also John: Alex can you tuck me in-

***

Alex: I think babies run in my family because every time one of my family members give birth its always a baby-

***

Philip, setting down a card: Ace of spades!
Frances, pulling out an Uno card: +4!
Angie, pulling out a Pokémon card: Pikachu! I choose you!
John, trembling: W-What are we playing-

***

John: *takes off hat to reveal a smaller, secret hat underneath* Does this answer your question-
Alex: I...I never asked a question-

***

Alex: John is so scary, I wonder what he's thinking-
John, staring at his lunch: OH YEAH it's nugget day-

***

John: What is it about Wednesdays?
Philip: It's Friday???
John: Start your own conversation. This one's about Wednesdays-

***

Alex with an oversized hoody and sweater paws: I'm mANLY! Right John?
John: Sure cutie :)
Alex: ๑ᴖ◡ᴖ๑

***

John: What makes you so sure?
Frances: Because I'm the oldest, which means I'm always right-
Philip: I'm the oldest-
Frances:
Frances: I'm always righT-

***

Alex: You need to sleep-
John: No, if I sleep before 11:30, I lose-
Alex: ...what in the w O r L d are you talking about-

***

Alex, holding the three empty cookie boxes: How many did you eat, roughly-
John: I ate them gently-

***

Philip: Hey how do you ask someone out-
John: Well first you-
Alex: No don't ask him. He asked me out in a McDonald's bathroom-
Philip:
Philip: And you said yes?

***

Therapist: So what do we say when life disappoints us?
John: Called it-
Therapist:
Therapist: No-

***

Alex: How are you?
John, checking his mood ring: Normal. Wait no, nervous-

***

John: You're not worthless-
Alex: *blushes*
John: Organs are really expensive on the black market-

***

John: Can I get Latte without pickles please-
Barista: Pickles?!?
John: No thanks-

***

John, standing on the balcony: *sneezes*
Angie, outside below him: Bless you!
John: God?
Angie: ...yes-
John:
John: ALEX GET OUT HERE-

***

John: *reading his mail* Baby shower? Um, no thanks, I can barely fit in the full sized shower as is-
Alex: Give me that-

***

Genie: I will grant you any wish-
John: I wish 'soup' was spelled 'soop'-
Genie:
Genie: No-

***

Eleanor: Isn't it wonderful that you get to be around your husband all day?
John, trying to blow out a dandelion to make a wish but they get in his mouth: Pfft pfft-
Alex:
Alex: Yes, wonderful-

***

Alex, pulling back from a kiss: Wow, I really...felt a spark there-
John, mouth full: That would be the pop rocks-

***

John: Due to personal reasons I will be sinking to the bottom of the ocean in a large metal box-
Alex: You accidentally poured Koda's food in his water bowl again didn't you-
John: The reasons are personal-

***

John: Hello police? I stepped on my dog's paw, I must be arrested immediately-
Operator: Sir, we've talked about this-

***

John: I think you're pretty smart!
Alex: Thanks, but you also think there's a little man in the fridge who turns the light off when you close it-
John: *narrows eyes* One day I'll catch him-

***

Alex: John was going to run into a tree branch earlier-
Alex: So I yelled at him to duck-
Alex: He looked at me, quacked, and then ran face first into the tree branch-

***

Alex: You want some trail mix?
John: Oh you mean "M&Ms with obstacles"?

***

Alex: I waved to a man because I thought he was waving at me.
Alex: Apparently he waved at another guy. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life-

***