i haven't posted in a couple days but in in honor of the hamilton movie here we are-
enjoy jully 🥺
LAURENS207

***

[at a bar]

Bartender: This is from that guy over there-
Alex: This is a plant-
John: *shouting from across the bar* I just wanted to say aloe!!

***

Alex, shining a flashlight under the bed: Angie, are you ready to come out yet and socialise with people?
Angie: *demonic screeching*
Alex: Understandable. Have a nice day-

***

John: They ask me how I manage kids so easily-
John: The secret is, I don't. I have no control over them whatsoever. This morning Philip called my name and when I showed up to see what was going on Frances shot me in the throat with a nerf gun-

***

John: If Papa and I were drowning, who would you save?
Frances: You morons can't even swim?
John: It's a hypothetical question, who would you save?
Frances: My time and effort-

***

Genie: And for your third wish?
John: *slams glass down after finishing his second glass of milk* Take a wild guess buddy!!

***

John: I think dogs should vote-

***

John, sobbing: We have to tell him that the fish died!
Alex: No!
Alex: Timmy, your fish ran away-
Timmy: Why?
John: BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT YOU TO SEE HIM DIE-
Alex: J O H N-

***

Alex: If you were given the power to destroy anything, what would you destroy?
John: Cockroaches-
Alex: You could have said war or poverty or something-
John: I stand by my decision-

***

Alex: You're blocking the view-
John: I am the view-

***

John: I wonder if I've ever bought milk from the same cow twice-
Alex: Baby please go to sleep-

***

Alex: Do you ever feel bugs on you when there are no bugs-
John: They're the ghosts of bugs that you've killed-
Alex: I wish I could unhear that-

***

Philip: Can you spill me some milk-
John: You mean "pour"-
Philip: Not the way you do it-

***

Frances: This year, we lost our dear father, who we call Papa-
Alex: Quit telling everyone I'm dead!
Frances: Sometimes I can still hear his voice-

***

John: According to all known laws of aviation there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, bla-
Alex: Are you okay-
John: When am I ever-

***

John: Imagine getting a job and your boss is the type of guy to chug a whole monster energy drink and then say "Haha level up!" and he does that every day-
Alex: That's oddly specific are you okay-
John: I Am Fantastic Thanks for Asking-

***

Philip: Hey guys, check out my awesome vampire costume!
John: You're dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire-
Philip: He eats theater people-
Angie: No he doesn't.
Alex: I think he might-
Philip: He does-
Frances: Do you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is?
Angie: He might not.
John: He doesn't.
Philip: I don't-

***

Alex: *calls John* Hello?
John: Hey what's up?
Alex: I need your help can you come here?
John: I can't I'm buying clothes-
Alex: Alright well hurry up and come over here-
John: I can't find them-
Alex: What do you mean you can't find them?
John: I can't find them. There's only soup-
Alex: What do you mean there's only soup?
John: I mean there's only soup-
Alex: Well then get our of the soup aisle!
John: Alright you don't have to shout at me!
John: There's more soup-
Alex: What do you mean there's more soup?
John: There's just more soup-
Alex: Go into the next aisle-
John: There's still soup-
Alex: WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?
John: I'M AT SOUP-
Alex: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE AT SOUP?
John: I MEAN I'M AT SOUP-
Alex: WHAT STORE ARE YOU IN?
John: I'M AT THE SOUP STORE-
Alex: WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE???
John: MOMMA DIDN'T LET ME LEAVE MY ROOM FOR A WHILE-

***

Philip: Can we stop at McDonald's?
John: No, Papa's making dinner at home-
Philip: *wiping away tears* I hate this family-

***

Alex: Say toast ten times fast-
John: Toast toast toast toast toast toast toast toast toast toast-
Alex: What do you put in a toaster?
John: Butter-
Alex:

***

Philip: Hey Dad, Papa said he has butterflies in his stomach-
Philip: Why would he eat butterflies? How will they come out?
Philip: He is a fool-
John:

***

John: What you're doing is wrong-
Alex: I'm not taking advice from you. You pronounce the 'g' in 'lasagna'-

***

John: *blows a kiss up to the sky*
John: 👽✨For the aliens✨👽

***

Alex: What comes before anything? What have we always said is the most important thing?
John: Breakfast-
Alex: Family-
John: Family, right. I thought you meant of the things you eat-

***

[at a restaurant]

Angie: I need a glass of boneless ice-
Waiter: You need a what?
Angie: Tasteless soup-
Alex: *sighs*
Alex: Water. She needs water-

***

John: Do you know why dark is spelled with a k and not a c-
Alex: Why?
John: Because you can't c in the dark-
Alex:

***

John: I don't think I can sleep in the same bed as the man who ruined my life-
Alex: For the love of god I'm sorry, I'll buy more donuts tomorrow-

***

Alex: How's your work going?
John: My nap was great, thanks for asking-

***

Alex: Uh, why are you covered in glitter-
John: Why aren't yOu covered in glitter-

***

Frances: Why is Dad crying on the floor-
Alex: He overheard Philip say that a giraffe probably doesn't know that whales exist-

***

Philip, on the phone with John: Dad, remember when you told me that Santa isn't real?
Philip: Well I'm at the mall with Grandma and Grandpa Washington and gUeSs wHo's hErE-

***

Alex: I'm cuter-
John: I'm taller-
Alex:
Alex: I'll delete your kneecaps-

***

Alex: What are you thinking about?
John:
John: It's just that all the cookies I've watched Cookie Monster waster over the years with his fake chewing makes me sick-

***

Alex, laying next to John: What's on your mind-
John: Nothing-
Alex: What? Nothing at all?
John: Well, I see the lamp and I think to myself: lamp-

***

Alex: John what are you eating-
John:
John: *chews faster*
Alex: John-
John, running away: YOU'LL NEVER GET ME-

***

Alex: John are you okay? You just walked past a dog without petting it-

***

John, to the smoke detector: How could you be beeping? I just disconnected you. How could you-
[smoke detector beeps]
John: Don't you interrupt me-

***

Angie: Whats wring with Dad? He's been laying on the floor for 30 minutes-
Alex: He's just a little overwhelmed right now-
Angie: Why?
Alex: Koda smiled-

***

John: I'm gonna slap the next person who insults my husband-
Alex: I hate myself-
John: ALRIGHT YOU BEAUTIFUL BABEY GRAPE, S Q U A R E U P-

***