what a beautiful day to make some more quotes am i right jully 👁👄👁
enjoy 🥺
LAURENS207

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John: Veggie Tales should be called Fruit Tales instead because they main characters are both fruits-
Therapist: You bring this up every time. How about we discu-
John: Shut up I'm not finished-

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Alex: There was a bunny in the market today, eating all the flowers-
Philip: Haha you go lil bun, fight the power!
Frances: Live the dream, small friend-
John: A criminal-

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John, sobbing: My diamond earring came off in the ocean and it's g O n E-
Angie: Dad, there's people that are dying-

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[Hiking]

John: Woah! That's a fat cat!
Alex: That's a raccoon-
John: Cool! Can I pet it?

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John: I had a dream where I got arrested for tax evasion, which is pretty weird because I don't even pay taxes-
Alex: That's the definition of tax evasion-

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John: Exercise is so important for a healthy lifestyle. That's why I do yoga daily-
John: *lays flat down on his face*
Alex: You can't just do the corpse pose for an hour-
John: Watch me-

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Alex: Four is the only number that has the same amount of letters as it's actual value-
John: To?

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John: Someone scratched Papa's car with a key-
Frances: Actually it was a knife—I mean, oh my god! Who would do such a thing!?

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John: Corals get stressed they die, so if I was a coral I would be dead-
Alex: But what would cause a coral to get stressed-
John: Current events!

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John: I'm a cheeto-
Alex: Explain-
John: Flamin' hot-

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Alex: Do not fear death. Fear the state in which you die-
Philip, in a terrified whisper: New York-

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John: Hey do you guys wanna see a butterfly-
Philip: What?
Frances:
Angie:
Timmy:
Alex: Don't you dare-
John: *yeets a stick of butter across the room*

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John: *puts an entire cupcake in his mouth*
Alex: Did you really just stuff a whole cupcake in your mouth-
John:
Alex:
John:
Alex: You can't even say "no" can you-
John: *shakes his head*

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Alex: Philip is washing the dishes and I just heard him say, "Who do you work for?! Who's your contact?!" while repeatedly pushing a glass under the water-
John: At least he's having fun?

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Snickers commercial: You're not you when you're hungry
John, who is always hungry: ...who am I-

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John, leaving the dinner table to pee: If there's gonna be a dramatic scene, wait til I get back-
Philip: Of course. I can't flip this table myself-

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Eleanor: Make sure you and John bring something to Christmas dinner-
Alex: Already sorted-
Alex: John is bringing his negative attitude and I'm bringing my sparkling personality-

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John: It's almost time to switch from the regular old everyday utensils to my fancy Christmas ones-
Alex: Is there a difference?
John: Yes. The Christmas ones light up-

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Eleanor, walking into her home: Hello people who do not live here-
John: Hey Momma!
Alex: Hello!
Philip: Hi!
Frances: hIIII-
Angie: 'Sup-
Timmy: H i-
Eleanor: I gave you the key for emergencies-
Frances: We were out of snacks-

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Alex: I am never playing Sims with you again after you made an underground torture chamber-
John: But what else do you do in the sims?
Alex: TAKE CARE OF THEM-
John: Unrealistic-

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John: Do you think normal dogs see police dogs and think "Oh no! It's a cop!"-
Alex:
Alex: Go to bed John-

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Alex: I think the best part of an Oreo is the cookie and not the frosting-
Angie: Darkness without light is an abyss. Light without darkness is blinding. There is no such thing as a one-sided coin-
Alex: ...it's just a cookie-

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Alex: What are you doing?
John, laying on the floor and looking at pictures on the ceiling: Stargazing-
Alex: Those are just pictures of me-
John: I know. The stars sure are beautiful tonight-

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John: If you were to vacuum up jello through a metal tube, well I think that'd be a neat noise-
Alex: I beg to differ-
John: Then beg-

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Alex: *sneaks up on John*
John: If you're a ghost or something please kindly go away, I'm too tired for this-

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John: And this is my ex-boyfriend, Alexander-
Alex: John I told you to stop calling me that-
Alex: I'm his husband-

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Alex: An apple a day keeps the doctor away!
Angie: Any fruit will keep the doctor  away if you throw it hard enough-

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Alex: Are you decent?
John: Morally? No-
John: But I'm wearing pants if that's what you mean-
John: Haha just kidding. No pants either-

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Alex: Can I get a sip of that water?
John: It's not water-
Alex: Vodka! I like your style!
John: It's vinegar-
Alex:
John:
Alex:
John:
Alex: W H A T-

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[some song is playing on the radio in the car]

Alex: I hate this song-
John: You have to admit though, it's pretty catchy-
Alex: The Black Plague was "catchy", doesn't mean it's good-

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Alex, drunk: I've lost everthing. I've even lost my glasses-
John, looking at the glasses on Alex's head: I'll help you find them for ten dollars-

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John: I'm very upset right now and there's nothing you can do to make me feel better-
Alex:
John: No-
Alex:
John: Don't-
Alex: *brings Koda into the room*
Koda: 👁👅👁
John, trying not to smile: Shoot-

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[reading the kids a bedtime story]

John: And that is when the two princes kissed and lived happily ever after-
Kids: Awww-
John: Well enough about Alex and I, what story should we read-

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John to everyone after he finds out that Eleanor is coming over: We need to clean this place now, NOW people!
John: Alex I want this place looking like Disney on Ice in ONE minute-
John: Pip if you haven't washed your clothes throw everything away! It's too late to clean it now!
John: Lex get rid of the couches! We can't let her know we sit!

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John: Who broke the coffee machine? I'm not mad, I just want to know-
Timmy: I did it, I broke it-
John: No. No, you didn't. Philip?
Philip: Don't look at me, look at Frankie-
Frances: What? I didn't break it-
Philip: Huh that's weird. How did you even know it was broken?
Frances: Because it's standing right in front of us and it's broken!
Philip: Suspicious-
Frances: No it's not-
Angie: If it matters, probably not, but Papa was the last one to use it-
Alex: Liar! I don't even drink that crap-
Angie: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee machine earlier?
Alex: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that Angie-
Philip: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. I'll pay for it Dad-
John: No! Who broke it?
Frances: Dad? Koda's been awfully quiet-
Koda: *borks*
[everyone arguing]
John, to himself: I broke it. They didn't like the pizza I made last night so I punched it. I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick-
John: Good. It was getting a little boring around here-

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Website: Confirm your password
John: *typing* yes, this is my password -john

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Alex: Oh my god, it's a raccoon-
John, from another room: A raccoon?! Which one? Describe it-
Philip: Is it Little King Trash Mouth and his husband Gary?
Alex: Oh right, I forgot you guys are crazy raccoon people-
John: What, just 'cause we watch the raccoons in the alley? It's fun. It's like a soap opera-
Philip: It's more like an HBO miniseries. Lots of plot twists, some graphic scenes. You'd like it. You just got to catch up-
John: Is it the King?
Alex: No, it's definitely not a him because it has babies-
Philip: Oh, a gay raccoon can't have babies?
Alex: I mean- he could adopt or have a surrogate-
John: Of course he could. What does it look like?
Alex: It looks like a raccoon-
Philip: Papa. Coloring, marking, hairdo, anything distinctive-
Alex: Okay. Uh well, it has three black rings on its tail and its ear kind of has a notch in it-
Frances: A gauge? Has that reached the raccoon community?
John: *gasp* It's Big Baby Pudding Snatcher. I was wondering where she went-
Philip: Big Baby Pudding Snatcher. Of course!
Alex: Why do you call her Big Baby Pudding Snatcher?
Philip: Why do you think Papa? Pudding cups, she snatches them-
Alex: From who?
Philip: From me and Dad in the alley-
Alex: Why are you guys eating pudding in the alley?
Philip: Where else are we gonna eat it Papa? the bathroom?
John: That's gross-

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John to Alex: Multiple universes, nine planets, one earth, seven continents, seven seas, 195 countries, 809 islands...and I had the immense luck of meeting you-
Philip, shouting from the other room: THERE ARE ONLY EIGHT PLANETS!
John: V I V A  L A  P L U T O-

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John: I'm gonna ask you something and I want you to be honest-
John: Where did you pee in this house-
John: Cause I can smell it-
John: So tell me where you peed-
Koda: *b o r k s*
John:
John: *whispering* Liar-

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John: Why do people shush animals? They've never spoken-
Alex:
Alex: It's 2am-
Alex: But true-

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Koda: *borks*
John: You want a tomato you fool? You won't eat it/
Koda: *borks louder*

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