i'm running out of stuff to say before the chapter starts so hi jully 👁👄👁 hope u like them 🥺
LAURENS207

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[At a book store]

John: Do you have any books on turtles-
Worker: Hard back?
John: Yeah with the little heads-

***

Alex: I know what might cheer you up. Some gossip-
John: I hate gossip. Gossip is for the weak-
John:
John: Who's it about-

***

John: I usually have no idea what I'm doing. Actually, I always have no idea what I'm doing-

***

John: It's nice to see you again-
Alex: Are you talking to my butt?
John: Yes-

***

John: My day was just made-
Alex:
Alex: What kind of dog was it-

***

Alex: Squirrels don't get married Peaches-
John: Like you could possibly know that-

***

Frances, talking about someone at school: I hate him-
John: Me too-
Frances: You have no idea who I'm talking about-
John: Solidarity, sister-

***

[When Alex first got drunk]

John: *to Alex* You scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened". 20 minutes later you yelled about the mess and let Koda in to clean it up. 5 minutes after that you screamed because the cereal was gone. You suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so I could "think about what I'd done". And you bit everyone who tried to let me out. No more wine for you. EVER-

***

Alex: I'm going to lay under the Christmas tree to remind John that I'm a gift-

***

Alex: Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the passenger seat of the car?
John: Why not-

***

John: *wearing Alex's glasses* How do I look?
Alex: *squinting his eyes* I have no idea-

***

[Teaching Philip to stand up for himself]

John: Tell him off Pip, assert yourself!
Philip: That's my ice cream cone!
John: Good, now let him have it!
Philip: You can have it!
John: *facepalms*

***

Alex: Why are you like this?
John: I used too much 'no more tears' shampoo in 2004 and haven't felt a single emotion since-

***

John: Did you know a guard llama can kill coyotes-
Alex: We're not getting a llama-

***

Alex: How much sleep did you get?
John: 8-
Alex: Hours?
John: Minutes-

***

Eleanor: Jackie I came over as soon as I could. I'm here to help-
John: Help? With what?
Eleanor: I heard Alex was sick. So you should be getting sick right about-
John: *sneezes*
Eleanor: Now. *holds up mason jar* I brought soup-

***

Philip: I'm doomed-
John: Well, you lived a good life-
Philip: I'm only nine!
John: I said good, not long-

***

John: What situation is not instantly improved by the addition of fishnets, I ask you-
Alex: Being a fish-
John: Well you got a point-

***

Alex: They say laughter's the best medicine!
John: The best medicine is penicillin. At least it used to be. With all these super bugs now, we might all be dead in 10 years. So I guess laughter's as good as anything-

***

Alex: Our can opener is broken-
John: So it's a can't opener?
Alex: I can't believe I married you-

***

Alex: What is it with you and musicals-
John: Everything's better in song-

***

John: Philip don't play connect the dots with your chickenpox, you'll get an infection-
Philip: I'm bored!

***

Alex: Hey-
John: What do you want-
Alex: Are you still mad at me?
John: Are you still a sandwich thief?

***

[When Philip was first born]

Eleanor: So how's fatherhood treating you?
Alex: Good. I didn't expect this much crying though-
Eleanor: Don't worry, it's normal for babies-
Alex: What? The baby's fine. I was talking about John-
John, sobbing from the nursery: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH-

***

John: *kneeling beside Alex to match his height*
John: *looking around confused*
John: How do you live like this?

***

Angie: I love you-
Alex: *hands her the laundry basket* Sweetie you cannot say 'I love you' to get out of chores-

***

John: *does a face mask*
John: This is gonna fix everything-

***

John's organs: Please....water...
John, pouring himself a glass of wine: Come get y'all juice!

***

John: Do you ever kill a bug and wonder if their momma's waiting for them to come home but they're dead-
Alex: Shhh go to sleep John-

***

John: Never apologize for your giant dogs getting overexcited-
John: If I get taken down by a 100 pound mass of fluff then that's how I'll go-

***

John: An alarm clock except the alarm is set to every time-
Alex: We touch-
Angie: I get-
Frances: This feeling-

***

John: *taking a swig out of flask* You want some of this-
Alex, assuming that it's wine: Sure-
Alex: *takes a sip* Is this soup what the-

***

Philip: I have a pocket thesaurus-
Philip: I love using weird words people don't understand-
Philip: Jargon Indominance-
Philip: Exasperating farrago-
Philip:
John: And you wonder why you don't have any friends-

***

John: Release the kracken!
Alex: What's kracken?
John: Not much babe-

***

John: Would you rather eat a bag of dust or a matter baby?
Alex: What's a matter baby?
John: Nothing darling what's the matter with you-
Alex:

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John: Hey check out this live webcam feed of some penguins-
Alex: Don't you have an essay for work due tomorrow?
John: Shut your mouth, I'm busy-

***

Alex: John I finished the lucky charms, sorry-
John: They ask you how you are and you just have to say you're fine when you're not really fine but you just can't get into it because they would never understa-

***

John: Hey wake up!
Alex, annoyed: What is it?
John: When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomach-
Alex:
John:
Philip: Dad wHAT-
Alex: Sometimes I wonder how your mind works-

***

John: I have two hands-
John: One for holding Alex's-
John: And one for killing spiders-

***

Eleanor: Who's the more clingy one?
Alex, sitting on John's lap with his arms wrapped around his neck and head burried into his chest: John, obviously-

***

John, waking Alex up at 2 am the 50th night in a row: Wake up babe, I solved the JonBenet Ramsay case-
Alex, sleepy: Okay, let's lay out the facts-

***

Alex: I may be short, but I'm very knowing-
John, walking away: You don't even know what the top shelf looks like-

***

Alex: Why can't dinosaurs clap?
John: Because their arms are too shor-
Alex: Because they're dead-

***

John: Isn't it odd that the human mind expands inwardly forever?
John: I can build characters, and worlds, and universes, and define new laws of nature-
John: Construct stories and timelines and fit it all together inside my own head-
John: And yet I can't even draw a sTUPID LAMP-

***

John: I'm in the mood for *throws glitter* love-

***

Alex: If I run and jump at John, he will most certainly catch me in his arms-
Alex, running toward John: INCOMING-
John: NO! I'M HOLDING COFFEE-
John: *drops coffee to catch Alex*

***

John: I'm hungry-
Alex: I want takeout-
John: Me too...I'm not calling-
Alex: Me neither-
John: Don't look at me-
Alex: So now what-
John: We starve-

***

John: Why aren't there adult-sized playgrounds? Like, everything is the same as a kids playground, but bigger. Why do we not have those-
Alex: Theme parks. Just theme parks-
Philip: But you have to pay for theme parks-
Frances: That's the adult part-
John:
John: o H-

***

One of John's coworkers: *points to the kids* Do you know them-
Philip, Frances, Angie, and Timmy: *dabbing to the ice cream truck song*
John: Not by choice-

***

John: I want to be like a caterpillar-
Alex: Explain-
John: Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful-
Alex: You do know they have a life span of about a week right-
John: That's just another highlight-

***

John: Do gay, be crimes, that's my motto-
Alex: It's-
John: Do gay. Be crimes-

***

John: I wasn't up late last night!
Alex: I was woken by you clapping to the Friends theme song every 20 minutes-

***

John: What's the most 'YOU' thing you've ever done-
Alex: Once I sat in a gift shop and literally said "ooh, pretty!" at like a million random things for like, five straight minutes. You?
John: One time I was listening to a Ted Talk, playing a video game, and having a conversation with Timmy about dinosaurs when I had a paper for work due the next day-
Alex: Wow-

***

Alex: Did you have dinner?
John: I had a salad-
John: It was actually a fruit salad-
John: Well it was mostly grapes-
John: Okay it was all grapes-
John: Fermented grapes-
John:
John: It was wine-
John: I had wine for dinner-

***

John: I wish you could block people in real life-
Alex: Restraining order-
Frances: Murder-

***

John: Good morning cruel world-
Alex: Don't you mean goodbye?
John: No I meant good morning. This world may be cruel but I'm still kickin'-

***