hnnggggg these are f U n N y-
hope u like them jully 🥺
LAURENS207

***

John: While you're up, can you get me some water-
Alex: You have legs-
John: Why would I drink my legs-

***

[texting]

Philip: Dad what's the p*ssword for your laptop-
John: why did you censor that
Philip: It has a bad word in it

***

John: What's wrong with the way I dress-
Alec: You know, some people might say all the black leather makes you look like an evil villain-
John:
Alex: Not me, I think you look like a sexy motorcycle-

***

John: ITS THE FINAL BRAINCELL-
Alex: *off-key kazoo solo*

***

Instructor: Welcome to salsa class! Who's ready to dance?
John, hiding a bag of chips behind his back: There's been a misunderstanding-

***

Alex: Do you believe in aliens-
John: I think it's more important that the aliens believe in themselves-

***

John: I hate when people ask me if I'm still gay or not-
John: Like what do they expect me to say?
John: "No sorry not anymore, my gay card expired and I forgot to replace it"?
Alex: Honey I love you but it's 3am-

***

Alex: *listening to music*
John: Oh hey, what are you listening to?
Alex: Death metal-
Alex's headphones: 🎶I'M A BARBIE GIRL-

***

John, seeing a newborn dog: Puppy!
John, seeing an adult Doberman: Puppy!
John, seeing Clifford the big red dog: Puppy!
John, seeing a large monstrous hell hound: PUPPY!
John, seeing the giant three headed hound of Hades: P U P P Y-

***

John: Have I ever told you how much you mean to me-
Alex: We're not getting Burger King-
John: *arms crossed* This isn't fAiR-

***

John: While you were all panic buying toilet paper, I was stocking up on dino chicken nuggets-
John, with a fridge full of dino chicken nuggets: Who's laughing now-

***

John: Is it lunch time yet-
Alex: No it's not lunch time, it's ten thirty in the morning-
John: No wonder I'm starving-

***

Koda: *breathes*
John: Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique-

***

John: "Oohhh look at me! I'm Alex and I fold my clothes before putting them away!" I bet you chew you food before you swallow it too-
Alex: Well...yeah??
John: Pathetic-

***

Interviewer: What did you bring to the table?
John: In my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: No I mean what did you just put on my desk-
John: You mean my toad-

***

John: Sure I have my bad days. But then I remember what a cute smile I have-

***

Angie: Do dragons fart fire?
Alex: I don't know-
Angie: I thought you went to college-

***

Alex, playing a piano and singing: Tale as old as time-
John, singing along: Meme as old as vine.-
Alex and John: Beauty and the yeet-
Philip: Okay what-
Frances: Don't. Questioning it just encourages them-

***

John: I cut my finger and it's bleeding-
Alex: Just put pressure on it-
John: If you don't become a doctor or a lawyer, your family will disown you-
Alex: No-

***

John: I made coffee with an energy drink instead of water-
Alex: How do you feel-
John: My heart stopped beating two hours ago-

***

John: Hey Lex, how do you ask a glass of water what it's doing?
Alex: A glass of water is an inanimate object and therefore incapable of having a thought process or understanding English-
John:
John: Water you doing-

***

John: If Santa always knows who's naughty and nice how did he not know the other reindeer were being mean to Rudolph?
Alex: Shh-
John: Unless the reindeer are immune to his powers-
Alex: It's 1 am, babe, please shut up-
John:
Alex: Also I'm pretty sure his powers only work on humans-

***

[texting]

John: hello my darling
John: guess who just got
John: ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*INJURED*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
Alex: ok obviously I hope you're alright but I just want you to know that is the most in character text you've ever sent

***

Frances: Flip has no survival instincts, I think he was just born without them-
Alex: That can't be true-
Frances: Watch this-
Frances: Hey Flip! Race you downstairs!
Philip: *jumps out of a three story window*

***

John, drunk: *nervous laugh* Goodbyes are so awkward like do I go in for a kiss or a hug or what-
Wine delivery guy: Sir please just take your wine-

***

John: Merry Christmas Alex-
Alex: John, it's November 1st, it's 2am, and i'm tired-
John: Merry Christmas-

***

John: The kids didn't eat their sandwiches-
Alex: Just throw them out-
[later]
John: *helping the kids pack their suitcases* Look I'm just as surprised as you are-

***

Alex: Shrek came out 19 years ago-
John: I never knew he was gay!
Alex: I'm talking about the movie-
John:
John: Movies can be gay too?

***

John: I love bees! They're very important for the ecosystem and they're cute and make honey!
A bee: *buzz*
John, shaking and crying: Please don't hurt me-

***

[AU where John works in a bakery]

Boss: Open this door. You better not be making sculptures again-
John: a H- *frantically trying to hide Bread Pitt and Angelina Doughlie* J-Just a second!

***

John: So how was your morning?
Alex: Well Angie just asked me what my favorite color was and then told me I was wrong-
John: Ah, so pretty normal-

***

John, answering a shoe like a phone: Hold on I can't hear you, let me put you on sneaker-
Alex: John I'm begging you to stop-

***

Alex: ...What are you doing-
John: Momma told me to drink more fluids so I'm waiting for this ice cream to melt-

***

John: *writing on a dry erase board* S(he) be(lie)ve(d)
Frances, visibly sad: He lied-
Philip, confused: Sbeve-

***

John: Alex told me to grow up-
Eleanor: And what did you tell him?
John: Oh I was speechless. I had like thirty six gummy bears in my mouth-

***

John: *stares off into space*
Alex: What's wrong?
John: What happens if a kangaroo jumps on a trampoline-
Alex:
Alex: *stares off into space too*

***

John: The sun looks so bright-
Alex: ...You're looking at a picture of Koda smiling-

***

Philip: Yeeted-
Frances: Yote-
Philip: YEETED-
Frances: YOTE-
John: I just wanna know who threw Timmy in the pool-

***

John: They say there's a skeleton inside you-
John: But the truth is that you're inside your skeleton. You are you brain-
Alex: I was having a good day. We were all having a good day-

***

John: I love this new strawberry flavoured shampoo I got!
Alex: Flavored?
John: Scented, I mean-
John: But yeah, it tasted like strawberries too-

***

John: Hey Alex, what do you call a fish with no eyes-
Alex: Astyanax Jordani-
John:
John: a fsh-

***

John: Maybe hot chocolate wants to be called beautiful chocolate just one time-
Alex: Maybe you should go to sleep John-

***

Alex: I heard an interesting rumour about me today-
John, scoffing: Only one? I started at least twelve this morning-

***

Alex: Shout out to when John, in the snack isle at the store, answered his phone and snapped "I'm in an important meeting, what do you want?"-

***

John: Why are shorts called shorts but pants aren't called longs-
Alex: She wears short shorts I wear long longs-
Frances: She's cheer cheerer and I'm on the sit sits-

***

John: Do you think pigeons have feelings-
Alex, exhausted: I'm giving you one more chance to shut up-

***

Alex: I'm back!
John: Cool. Timmy broke all the toilets and Angie's hand is stuck in the ceiling-
Alex: I was gone for ten minutes-

***

Alex: Awww Philip did the dishes!
John: How do you know I didn't do them-
Alex: Because once when all the knives were dirty you cut a bagel with your keys-

***