i usually write two of these a day but i didn't finish the last one until 1am so technically there's gonna be three today sooooo
enjoy jully 🥺🥺
LAURENS207

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John: I have a question-
Alec: What-
John: Do owls have eyelashes-
Alex:
John
Alex: *walks to the other room and calls Eleanor*

***

Alec: You have to pick your battles-
John: One of the battles that we picked was to stop Philip and Frances from running plastic tubes all over the house and placing hamsters inside of them-
Alex: *sighs* They were going to call it Tube City-

***

[When Philip learns to drive]

John: Okay Pip, let say you're driving and Papa and Frances get in the way. Quick, what do you hit-
Philip: Oh definitely Frances. I could never hurt Papa-
John:
Philip:
John, sighing: The brakes Pip. You hit the brakes-

***

Alex: *eating a cinnamon roll*
John: Cannibalism-
Alex: *confused chewing noises*

***

John, after listening to Alex talk about conspiracy theories and believing them: Did you know the moon landing was fake-
Angie: *chuckles* You believe in the moon-

***

Alex: If you don't sleep, how do you function-
John: I run on three fuels: spite, anxiety, and of course, coffee-

***

John: Here's your coffee!
Alex: "John it's been an hour. Where were you? And why is it cold-
John: You said you wanted a late coffee so here it is!
Alex:
John:
Alex: I said a LATTE-

***

Philip: *climbs through the window after sneaking out*
John, turning in his chair and flicking the light on: You want to tell me where you've been all night-
Philip: I-I was with Frankie-
Frances, turning her chair: Wanna try again-
Philip: Uhhh okay fine! I was with Angie-
Angie, perched on top of the bookcase: Strike three-
Philip, clearly sweating: Papa?
Alex: *emerges from the potted plant in the corner of the room with camouflage face paint on* Keep digging that hole buddy-

***

Alex, referring to John and the kids: It's like all of you share one braincell sometimes-
John: *can't think of a good comeback because it's not his turn to use the braincell*

***

John, talking about his and Alex's wedding: I remember during the service Alex was crying so hard he couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much-
Eleanor: That was you Jackie. And no I have not-

***

Alex: *reading* A Harvard study says that you should eat only six fries per serving-
John:
John: I don't need this kind of negativity in my life-

***

John: God I hate being alive. I want to die in a national park under mysterious circumstances-
[half an hour later]
John: Okay I'm done being dramatic. I finally started my work and it's not that bad-

***

John: Bet you I can eat all these brownies-
Alex: JOHN NO-
John, stuffing one into his mouth: One-
Alex: JOHN-
John, stuffing another one in: *incomprehensible suffering*
Alex: John-
John, with a mouthful of brownies: *painful incomprehensible suffering*
Alex: Oh noo...John-

***

Francs: Dad get up we're stealing the news van-
John: The perfect crime... how would they ever report it-

***

John: I don't know how much you know about space, but for me, I'm a master! Ask me anything about space-
Alex: Is it big-
John: Probably-

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Alex: Tall people, if we are walking please take into consideration my tiny legs. I can't keep up with you. Please think of my tiny legs, I don't want to be jogging to keep up with your leisurely stroll-
John: Just get a pair of roller skates and hang onto my sleeve, we don't have all day-

***

John: There's three ways to do things, the right way, the wrong way, and the John way-
Alex: Isn't that just the wrong way-
John: Yes, but faster-

***

Alex: You've been really stressed so I thought I would take you for a spa day, just you and me-
John: A what day?
Alex: A spa day-
John: What is this word "spa"? I feel like you're starting to say a word and you're not finishing it. Are you trying to say "spaghetti"? Are you taking me for a spaghetti day-

***

[Alex and John's wedding]

Alex: So the hairdresser shows up at noon tomorrow-
John: Great, and while you do that, I'll check in on the ring bear-
Alex:
Alex: I'm sorry, you're saying "ring bearER" right-
John:
Alex: Okay look into my eyes and say "I promise I'm not bringing a dangerous wild animal to our wedding"-

***

Alex: For the last time it's called cauliflower, not ghost broccoli-
John, staring blankly at the wall: I know what I saw-

***

Philip: I'm... grounded?
John: Yes, you're grounded-
Alex: You disobeyed an order-
John, holding a shovel: And now we're gonna bury you until you've learned your lesson!
Alex: That's not how grounding works-

***

John: Mint ice cream and all other mint flavored foods taste great and you can't change my mind!
Alex: John do you accept constructive criticism-
John: Choose your next words carefully, dear Alex...
Alex: ...m i n t s  S U C K-
John: YOU COME INTO  M Y HOUSE-
John: DISRESPECT  M Y  M I N T S -

***

Alex: My favorite food is pizza, what's yours-
John: Gasoline-
Alex: ...THAT'S not a food and thERE'S A PROBLEM-

***

John: *just finished heating up a pizza*
John: *eating a cold slice of the same pizza*
Alex: *exasperated sputtering*

***

John: *inhales deep breath* I lov-
Anyone who has spent five seconds around him ever: Yes we get it, you love Koda, we know, you love Koda so much, he's the light of your life, you love him so much, you just love Koda, we KNOW, you love Koda you love Koda ok we know, we get it, YOU LOVE KODA. WE GET IT-

***

Alex: There are 7 chairs and 10 kids. What would you do-
John: Have everyone stand-
Philip: Bring three more chairs-
Frances: May the best of the lot sit down-
Angie: Kill three-

***

John: Who's a good boy?
Koda: ???????????????
John: You are a good boy!
Koda: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***

John: I'm sending good vibes your way. They're coming. There's nothing you can do to stop them-
Alex: That is the most threatening way I've ever been cheered up-

***

John: Alright kids come downstairs, I've got McDonalds-
Philip: *literally falls through the ceiling*
John: *drops the food in shock*

***

Philip: Road trip!
Philip: Hey Dad turn on some music-
John: *turns on heavy metal song*
John and Philip: *headbanging together*

***

Alex: Who here eats pizza crust-
John: I eat pizza starting with the crust-
Alex: Do you know how messed up what you just said was-

***

John: All right get lost all of you, you're fired go on scram ya moochers!
[The crowd all leaves as they grumble]
John: That's right, keep moving!
[Koda sadly walks among them]
John: 'Cept you, you stay-
Koda: *wags tail, cue clown honking*

***

Alex: Young lady you are grounded for...'til college-
Frances: For 'til college!?
Alex: F O R  'T I L  C O L L E G E-

***

John: Greetings Alex! Time to rinse and repeat!
Alex: That's rock 'n' roll-
John: Whatever-

***

[When Philip first came home from the hospital]

Philip: *crying*
John: There's gotta be something we can do to make it stop! Maybe he's hungry!
Alex: Yeah let's feed it some pizza! Everyone loves pizza!
John: I don't think he can eat solid food-
Alex: Then put it in the blender!
John: Well if you say so-
Alex: THE PIZZA, NOT THE BABY!
John: Oh okay that makes more sense-

***

John: Hey babe I'm making french toast sticks in the oven. I'm gonna take a quick nap, wake me up in 5 minutes so I can flip them over-
[5 minutes later]
Alex: John it's been five minutes. Flip your sticks-
John: ssssnnnnnzzzz
Alex: J O H N  Y O U R  S T I C K S-

***

Alex: He's very literal minded. Metaphors are just going to go over his head-
John: Nothing goes over my head. My reflexes are too fast. I would catch it-

***

Philip: If I ever have a kid and it's a girl I should name her lizard and call her Liz and people will be like "Oh is that short for Elizabeth?" and she'll have to say "No my name is Lizard"-
John: You're officially never allowed to touch a birth certificate in your whole life-

***

John: When I die, I want Philip to lower me into my grave so he can let me down one last time-

***

John: Why do you want to move out so badly-
Philip: Independence-
Philip, internally: Gettin a lizard-

***

John: I don't need people to help me grow up! I drink milk-
Alex: Baby please go to bed-

***

John: Do crabs think fish are flying-
Alex: How high are you-
John: 5'11"-

***

John: Spaghetti is my favorite food. I could honestly eat it for every meal. Or just eat it all the time without even stopping-
Alex: You'd get sick-
John: No, why would I get sick?
Alex: Too much spaghetti can make you sick-
John: Spaghetti makes you sick??

***

John: Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring-
Alex: Are you okay-
John: The doctor says I'll be fine, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside-
Alex:
Frances: Can I kill him now-

***

Alex: Back at it again at Eleanor's-
Alex: *does two backflips*
Alex: *flips and breaks a light*

***