i l o v e t h e s e
as always, enjoy jully 🥺
LAURENS207

***

Alex: John just referred to sand as heterosexual glitter-
Alex: I-

***

John: W e re out of c offe e-
Alex: W er e o u t of c of fe e-
Philip & Frances: *concerned*

***

Alex: John what are you doing-
John: Making cookies-
Alex: The cookie dough is on the ceiling-
John: It's...upside down cookie making-

***

John: So when do you think we'll see a big hairy boy-
Alex: Please call them bears-

***

John: *carrying a bathbomb, a pink lemonade, and a handful of cosmic brownies toward the bathroom*
Alex: *raises an eyebrow*
John: *glares* Don't judge me-

***

Alex: John where are you-
John: Just got back from Target, think I forgot something-
Alex: Yeah you forgot me-
John: *running out door* o H-

***

John: Alex took the wheels from my heelys, I feel like Lucifer stripped of his wings-
John: I have to walk around the house like a common man and I'm l i V i D-

***

John as a kid: I can't wait till I'm an adult so I can stay up late EVERY NIGHT-
John as an adult: *crawling into bed at 6:30 pm* Oh thank god-

***

Alex: Guess how many ping pong balls are in the jar-
Angie: Uhh- *looks at jar for a minute* Two-hundred and thirty seven-
Alex: Angie-
Angie: Yeah?
Alex: How'd you know that-
Angie: Isn't it obvious-
*John and the other kids step back*

***

John: Waffles are just pancakes with abs-
Alex: Sometimes I wonder how your mind works-

***

John: Music is just wiggling air-
Alex: No stop, don't do this to me-

***

Alex, sobbing: John I'm begging you, p L e A s E eat a vegetable-
John, drizzling chocolate syrup over a stack of tater tots: What are these "vegetables" you speak of-

***

John: Guacamole is just avocado jelly-
Alex:
Alex:
Alex: Absolutely not-

***

John: Remember when you made that romantic dinner for me-
Alex: I just microwaved you a pizza-
John: Yeah a pizza for two-

***

Alex: What are your goals?
John: To pet all the dogs-
Alex: No your fitness goals-
John: To run fast enough to be able to pet all the dogs-

***

Alex and John: You better watch out-
Philip: You better watch out-
Frances: You better watch o u T-
Timmy yOu beTtEr wAtcH ouT-
Angie: y O u  b E t T e R  w A t C h  o U t-

***

John: Okay so olive oil is made from olives right-
Alex: Yeah-
John: Then baby oil-
Alex: STOP-

***

[At a museum]

Tour guide: Someone died in this ancient living room-
John: Well, I guess it's not a living room anymore-
Alex: Get out-

***

Alex: Angie gave me a "get better soon" card yesterday-
John: Aw, that's sweet-
Alex: I wasn't sick, she just thought I could do better-

***

John: Christmas is cancelled-
Philip: You can't cancel a holiday-
John: Keep it up and you'll lose New Years-
Philip: What does that even mean-
John: Alex, take New Years away from Philip-

***

John: If humans can't see air but can see water-
Alex: Yes?
John: Does that mean fish can see air but can't see water-
Alex:
John:
Alex: Oh my god-

***

Alex: Hewwo! I will be youw suwgeon today! Intewnal bweeding you say? Let's make ouw fiwst wittle incision-
Philip: Doctow, wewre loswing him!!! ('・ω・｀)
Alex: Qwick! hand me the defibwiwatow!!
John: *on the couch with a cold* Please. Just let me die-

***

John: What would you say if I came home one day with a bunch of puppies-
Alex:
Alex: *notices the large box by John*
Alex: What's in the box-
John:
Alex, voice quivering: John, what's in the box-
John: I think you already know-

***

Frances: Okay we gotta get through this locked door. Papa quick, give me your credit card-
Alex: *hands her the card* Here-
Frances: *pockets the card* Cool. Flip, kick the door down-

***

John, at 4AM: What if sand is called sand because it's between the sea and land-
Philip, who crawled in their bed again: What if the sea is salty because the land never waves back-
Both: WHAT IF-
Alec: What if you two shut up-

***

John: Hey Alex wanna hear a funny joke-
Alex: I'm more into dark humor-
John: *turns off the lights* So the joke goes-

***

John, after sleeping for a total of 4 hours this week: This coffee needs more coffee-

***

John: Are cheese crackers considered sandwiches because they have cheese in between them-
Alex: John it's the middle of the night-

***

John: I saw two dogs while I was out today. I cried-

***

John: I ate a vegetable yesterday-
Alex: I am so proud of you-

***

Alex: Look it's raining-
John:
John:
John: And I just watered the plants-

***

John: *laughs*
Alex: What-
John: Oh nothing I was just watching a TikTok and it hit me right in the sillies-

***

John: I just want to cuddle with Alex 23/7-
Eleanor: Why not 24/7?
John: Snack break-

***

John: Alex we're out of candy for trick or treaters-
Alex: What? Already? There's only been like three kids-
John: Yeah, I know, but one little girl told me she loved me so I gave her everything-

***

John: My mind is like an Internet browser-
Alex: Explain-
John: 15 tabs are open, 7 of them are frozen, and I don't know where the music is coming from-

***

Alex: Hey let's slow dance-
John: *does the Macarena at ¼ speed*

***

John: First, a quick nap. Then lunch. Followed by a longer nap-

***

Alex with a guitar: I'm going to sing a song for you all-
Alex: It's called "My Life So Far"-
Alex: *inhales deeply and plays a chord*
Alex: *screams*

***

John: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU-
Koda: *demonic borking/howling*

***

Alex: Are you a morning person-
John: No-
Alex: So more of a night person-
John: No-
Alex: So what are you then-
John: I'm not a person at all, more of an abstract concept-

***

John: *carrying all the groceries on both arms*
Alex: *reaches out to help*
John: *switches all groceries to one arm to hold Alex's hand*
Alex: That's not what I- Okay-

***

Frances: Only geniuses can say these words really quickly. Eye. Yam. Stew. Peed-
John: Oh come on no one's falling for th-
Philip: IAMSTUPID-

***

John: If it wasn't illegal I would eat cereal for every meal of the day-
Alex: I have some wOnDeRfUL news for you-

***

Alex: Stressed-
John: Pressed-
Frances: Blessed-
Angie: Possessed-
Timmy: Impressed-
Philip: Chicken breast-
Everyone:
John: WhaT-
Philip: I just wanted to join in-

***

Eleanor: You gave John coffee?!?
Alex: Of course not. I gave him this can of fruit juice- *shows three empty cans of Red Bull*
John: *crashes through the window while wearing board shorts and a Shrek mask* YIPPEE KI-YAY. LET ME HEAR YOU SCREAM IF YOU'RE WIRED AND TIRED- *screams in pain*

***

John: I wasn't sure what kind of chocolate you liked, so I bought them all-
Alex: John there's like...300 boxes of chocolate here-
John: I panicked, okay? Valentine's Day can be very stressful!

***

Philip: Why did you cut the sleeves off of all your shirts-
John: Your papa's not here and he's 85% of my impulse control-

***

Alex: Somebody once told me the world was gonna-
John: -end on December 21, 2012. I bought all of this freaking pasta as a way to celebrate the end of the world and now I'm $10,000 in debt and have pasta everywhere in my house-

***

John: Pepper spray? That sounds delicious!
John: AHHHH! I WAS WRONG. I WAS HORRIBLY WRONG-

***

John: Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite. Tonight. Imma fight. Till we see the sunlight. Tik Tok. On the clock. But the party don't stop-
Alex: Please behave like an adult for once-

***

Alex: *sees someone doing something stupid*
Alex: Wow what an idiot-
Alex: *sees that it's John*
Alex: Oh god that's my idiot-

***

John: Life...is an egg-
Alex: Explain-
John: It has chickens in it sometimes-
Alex: Go to sleep-

***

Alex: *reading a recipe out loud* "Beat three eggs"-
John:
John: At what-

***

Alex: Wow it's a little early for ice cream don't you think-
John: It's never too early for ice cream Lex-

***

Alex: We know the speed of sound, but what is the sound of speed-
John: Nyoom-
Alex: O h-

***

John: Can we get a birthday cake?
Alex: It's not your birthday-
John: The cake won't know-

***

John: I feel like a science person-
John: A sciencer?
John: Scientist!
John: A scientist-
Alex: Sciencer-
John: Not my finest moment-

***