i honestly don't know how i keep finding quotes
have fun jully 🥺
LAURENS207

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John: I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you can't have any more food and I'm just never ready for that kind of commitment-

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Alex: *falling asleep*
John: *whispering* Alex-
Alex: *sighs*
John: Why would the Hamburgler steal burgers and not hams-
Alex: *sitting straight up* Y'know what I wasn't really tired anyway-

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John: I'm a yellow rubber chicken and God is a 19 year old viner throwing me off of buildings and beating me with unusual objects to make me scream for the enjoyment of his followers-
Alex:
Alex:
Alex: W H A T-

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John: I wish arms were detachable for sleeping purposes-
Alex: If they did that I'd lose my arms-

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Alex: Thick thighs, thin patience-

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Alex: Drunk adults are basically toddlers-
Eleanor: What makes you say that?
Alex: *points at John, who is obviously drunk*
John: *leaning forehead against microwave and crying* I just want hotpockets-

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John, very sleep deprived: *puts honey in his tea* Oh yeah, get in the leaf juice you sexy sexy bee sauce-
Alex: Do you take constructive criticism-
John: I absolutely do not-

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[During quarantine]

Eleanor: So how's John coping with Covid-19 and quarantine?
Alex: He's okay. I think nothing phases him at this point. Watch this-
Alex: Hey John-
John: Yo-
Alex: There's an asteroid headed to earth. Death is imminent-
John, sipping a Capri Sun: Wig-

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Alex and John: Find someone and have kids they said. It'll be fun they said-
Frances, from the kitchen: PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!
Philip: IT'S TOO BIG TO SMOTHER!! GET THE ANTI FLAMETHROWER!!
Frances: It's called a fire extinguisher. FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!
*Glass shatters, something explodes, both of them scream in unison*
Alex and John: Don't listen to them. Don't-

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[When John was little]

John: *playing in the snow*
Eleanor, opening the window and yelling: Hey! You're gonna get sick, get back inside!
John, looking around dramatically: GOD???

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Philip: If the moon is made of cheese and Saturn is six, how many pancakes could you eat on Mars-
John: Yellow-
Philip: The correct answer is packing peanuts-
John: Oh I see, because you carry the two and-
Alex: What is wrong with you people-

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John: Friendly reminder that planet earth is a dense molten core encased in a layer of solids and therefore is, technically speaking, a ravioli-
Alex: I'm literally begging you to stop-
Philip: Wait let them finish-

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John: *crying*
Alex: Baby why are you crying?
John: It's just, just...so beautiful how much they love each other-
Alex:
Alex: This is a commercial-
Alex: For detergent-

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Philip: So if I run into that wall-
Philip: Headfirst-
Philip: Full strength-
Philip: And I DON'T break my skull-
Philip: I get three hundred bucks?
Angie: Basically yeah-
Philip: Seems legit-
Alex: HEY NO-

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Alex: Starting off my day with two eggs for breakfast-
Alex: They're Cadbury Cream eggs, but whatever-
Alex: Diet plan just says, "two eggs", so let's not get picky-

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Alex: You're sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving-
John: Why?
Alex: What's a carburetor-
John: Uh-
Alex: Who's Spongebob's best friend-
John: Patri- Oh-

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John: *singing* Just hear those sleigh bells jingling-
Alex: HALLOWEEN WAS LITERALLY YESTERDAY CALM DOWN-
John: NO IT'S CHRISTMAS-
Philip: CHRISTMAS!

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John: One day you could be a parent-
Philip: One day? I am a parent-
John: Koda unfortunately doesn't count-
Philip: *slams his hands on the table* HE IS MY CHILD-

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[The sky is grey and it's cold outside]
John: Yesssss-
[The wind picks up and it starts to rain]
John: Y ESSSSSSS-

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Eleanor: What's wrong with Alex?
John: He doesn't handle alcohol very well sometimes-
Alex: I'm gonna steal the Declaration of Independence-

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Alex: Did you know that when you break a bone it typically will heal back stronger than before-
John: So what you're saying is I should break every bone in my body until I become invincible-
Alex: John, please do not-

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John: To make an omelette, you have to break a few legs-
Alex: I don't think that's how it—
John: *cracking knuckles*

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[texting]

Alex: i hit a tree
John: WHAT
John: are you okay?
John: or should I say oaky?
John: haha
John: sorry
John: but actually

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John: Name one time I haven't acted professionally-
Alex: You're holding a juice box-
John: It keeps me from spilling my juice-

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John: What if whenever you cracked your knuckles your fingers started to glow like glow sticks-
Alex: John what in the world goes on in your head-

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Alex: I'm sad-
John: *wraps him up in a blanket and cuddles with him*
John: Better?
Alex: *muffled* Better-

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John: *suffering from seasonal allergies* Just leave me here to d i E-
Alex: Okay. It was nice knowing you-
John: Hey! You're not supposed to say thaT-

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John: Momma didn't raise a quitter but she did raise a homosexual and an idiot-

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John: Every night before bed I do this cute thing where I stare at TikTok for 6.5 hours-
Alex: I'm so glad I made you get it-

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John: *trying to work*
Philip: *zooming across the floor by sliding in his socks*
John: Pip why aren't you studying for your test tomorrow-
Philip: *skidding* theRE'S A TEST TOMORROW-*crashes into a bookcase*

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Alex: John is in the other room explaining to the dogs that even though we are going to bed early, they- the dogs- are welcome to stay up-
Alex: I love him-

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John: I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I'm on my way to jump off of a cliff now-
Alex: I-
Alex: John-

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John: When I get comfortable with people I start using them as pillows and footrests-
Alex: When I get used as a pillow or footrest I feel loved-

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John: *to Alex* I haven't eaten a vegetable in two months-
John: I only eat carbs-
John: *pats stomach* That's why I have this dad bod-
John: I be eatin' pasta but I ain't be runnin' fasta-

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Alex: *rolled up in a blanket*
John: You're a very cute bed potato-

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John: I have one brain cell and it bounces around in my skull like a windows screen saver-
John: When it hits the exact corner I can produce one (1) Coherent Thought-

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[At Walmart]

John: Okay. Mission number two: finding where the popcorn is-
Alex: Wait what was mission number one-
John: Getting here, Lex-

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Alex: What's wrong?
John: My nose is stuffed up! I'm d Y i N g-
Alex: Oh-
Ravenclaw: gOoDbYe cRuEL wOrLd-

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Alex: Every time I sneeze my ribs start aching-
John: And every time we kiss I swear I could fly-

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[texting]

John: i'm learning ukrllendbd!!
John: ukelndjd
Alex: same
John: ukrlekd
Alex: take your time
John: ukelela
John: umkelee
John: mini guitar
Alex: there you go

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John: *walks into therapy late*
Therapist:
Therapist: Do you want some coffee?
John:
John: Please-

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John:
John: I need to eat ice cream-

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Alex: You're so dramatic-
John: *holding a crystal wine glass, throwing rose petals, dressed all in green velvet, draped across a piano* I have no idea what you're talking about-

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Alex: *takes off his shirt*
John: What a time to be alive-

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John: Nothing like a delicious MoonPie with a cold glass of milk to wash away the guilt of this week's poor decisions-

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John: What are we having for dinner?
Alex: Tonight is cleaning night!
Frances: *slams fist on table* DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DRINK CLOROX-

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John: My momma is my best friend-
Alex: Aren't you forgetting somebody-
John: Oh yeah! So is Koda!
Alex: Not who I meant, but fair enough-

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Alex: Aw we're out of decaf-
John: Well there's no need to get hysterical-

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John: It should be my birthday everyday-
Angie: You would be very old-
John: What a rude thing to say to someone on their birthday-

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John: *rollerblades into his therapist's office with a Capri Sun and a head full of unbrushed hair*
John: Karen you're not gonna believe this-

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Alex: Don't feel like seein' anyone right now-
Alex: *takes off glasses*

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John: If kinetic energy can be converted to thermal energy, how hard do I need to slap a chicken to cook it-
Alex: John please just cook dinner in the oven normally-

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Alex: Just break it to him gently-
John: Okay I'll try-
*tucking Timmy in bed*
John: Once upon a time your fish is dead-

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John: *scanning the shelves*
John: *looks around, then at a person* Have you seen my husband-
Person: *shakes their head*
John: MARCO!
Alex: *from nearby* POLO!
John: That came from the wine aisle didn't it-

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John: The world is ending-
Alex: You just dropped your cookie on the floor. Pull yourself together and get a new one-
John: It's too late-

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[texting]

Alex: john i'm sorry
Alex: please talk to me baby
Alex: muffin?
Alex: sweet pea?
Alex: the world's prettiest man?
Alex: beautiful cinnamon roll too good for this world, too pure
John: sorry doesn't bring back my chicken nuggets lex

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John: *wakes up*
John: Please don't be 7, please don't be 7, please don't be 7-
John: *checks clock*
Clock: 4:30
John: yeEHAW-

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John: *hyper and talking quickly*
Alex: What are you oN-
John: BUBBLES-

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Alex: In French, you don't say "I miss you", you say "tu me manques", which means "you are missing from me", and I think that's beautiful-
John: In America you don't say "you all", you say "y'all" which means "you all" unless there's more people, then you say "all y'all", which means "all you all", and I think that's beautiful-

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John: It's so weird how many months start with the letter J. January, June, July, Jaugust, Joctober-
Alex: *singing* One of these things is not like the other-
Frances:
Frances: O N E-

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