i'm still surprised that i made so many of these in less than a week-
hope u like them jully 🥺🥺
LAURENS207

***

John: There's no "I" in team, but there is one in "chicken nuggets"-
Alex: ...So you're not gonna share-
John: I am not gonna share-

***

John: OH C'MON PIP GET DOWN FROM THERE-
Philip: NO I AM ONE WITH MY KIND NOW-
Alex: What are you doing-
John: There were birds in the tree and I told Philip that he should go say hi to his brothers as a joke so he climbed the tree to spite me but now he won't get down-
Philip: I WILL NEVER COME DOWN-
Philip: I'M WHERE I BELONG-
Philip: CAW CAW-

***

Alex: Ok one more time. You said you asked the kids if they wanted some mac n' cheese-
John: Yup-
Alex: They said no-
John: Also yup-
Alex: ...So you made mac n' cheese-
John: Go on-
Alex: And they came down and took a bowl of it, to which you-
John: Took my mac n' cheese back and told them to make their own cheesy noodles-
Alex: But when Koda begged for some-
John: *throws hands in air*
John: What did you expect me to do, let him sTaRvE-

***

Alex: You alright?
John: I'm good-
John: I haven't slept in a solid 83 hours, but yeah I'm good-

***

Alex: God, sure is dark in here-
John:
Alex: I-I'm not scared or anything.
John:
Alex: I mean, who's scared of the dark these days? Not me. No sir-
John: Do you want me to hold your hand?
Alex: Yes please-

***

John: Makin' my way downtown-
John: Walkin' fast-
John:
John: Walkin' a little bit slower so my steps match with Alex's because he's short-

***

Alex: *goes into the kitchen to get some late night snacks*
Frances: *t-posing in the corner, eyes wide and face lit only by the light from the fridge*
Alex: Uh. You want some cereal-

***

Alex: Literally, name one thing that's better than a dog-
John: Two dogs-

***

John: *bangs his hand against a table*
John: Ow my armkle!
Philip: Your what?
Alex: His wrist-

***

Alex: Hey have you seen my roller skates-
John, slowly gliding away: No-

***

John: If a dead ancestor doesn't appear in the sky to stop me, it can't be that bad of a decision-
Alex: John no-

***

Alex: NORWEGIA. IS. NOT. A COUNTRY-
John: WHERE ARE NORWEIGAN PEOPLE FROM THEN!?
Alex: NORWAY!

***

Alex: How high are you right now-
John: How what-
Alex: High-
John: Hi-

***

John: Alex you're my best friend. Last month we shared a toothbrush-
Alex: I was not aware of that-
John: We did-

***

Alex: It's unhealthy to drink after 7 pm-
John, drinking wine at 3 am: Well, fortunately time is an illusion-

***

Alex: You know that's not a stress ball, right? It's a lemon-
John: Let me have my moment-

***

John: Ikea is the Gucci of all furniture-
Alex: John please it's 4 am. Go to bed-

***

John: If I was a skeleton, I would just say 'that really rattles my bones' in response to literally everything-
Alex: Why am I not surprised-

***

Philip: If both football teams just worked together they could score so many more points!
John: I- Pip-

***

Frances: I've figured out why you've been in such a bad mood lately: you have updog-
Philip: What's updog-
Frances: PAPA GET IN HERE AND BRING YOUR MONEY I TOLD YOU I COULD DO IT-

***

Timmy: Dada can I have a story?
John: Once upon a time there was a little boy that made his dad so crazy he decided to sell him to a circus-
Timmy: An evil circus?
John: No, a nice one with monkeys-
Timmy: Thank you-

***

John: Why did the chicken cross the road-
Alex: Why-
John: To get to the idiot's house-
John: Knock knock-
Alex: Who's there-
John: The chicken-
Alex: oKAY LISTEN-

***

Alex: What are you looking at-
John: *taking a Buzzfeed quiz to find out what holiday candle scent he is* Nothing-

***

John: Nothing in life is free-
Alex: Life is free-
Philip: Adventure is free-
Frances: Knowledge is free-
Angie: Everything is free if you take it without paying-

***

John: If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a Chewbacca onesie like a real adult-
Alex:

***

Alex: I'm volunteering at the animal hospital-
John, excitedly: Animal hospital?!
John: The animals are the patients-
John, let down: That makes sense-

***

John: Soup that tastes great is souper-
Alex: Can I interest you in a bowl of canned you not-

***

Alex: Which country has the most birds-
John: Portu-geese-
John: Wait. That's a language-
John: Portu-gull-
Alex: Nice recovery-
John: Don't you mean re-dove-ry-
[hours later]
John: Turkey. How did we miss Turkey-

***

Alex: Excuse me, sir, but I do believe you've dropped your wallet-
John: Doesn't look familiar to me-
Alex: What? I just saw you drop it. Here-
John: Nope, it's not mine-
Alex: It is yours. I'm trying to be a good person and return it to you-
John: Return what to who?
Alex: *facepalms and then shows the ID* Aren't you John Laurens?
John: Yup-
Alex: And this is your ID-
John: Yup-
Alex: I found this ID in this wallet. And if that's the case, this must be your wallet-
John: That makes sense to me-
Alex: Then take it-
John: That's not my wallet-
Alex: *loses his mind*

***

Alex: *asleep on one side of the air mattress*
John: *flops down beside him*
Alex: *gets launched off*

***

Eleanor: People have told me "Eleanor, Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with old friends"-
Eleanor: At my age, if I wanted to keep in touch with old friends, I'd need a Ouija board-
John: Momma n O-

***

Alex: Welcome to cooking with Alex
Alex: Step 1 - Open pop tart-
Alex: Step 2 - That's it-

***

Philip: Hey Dad, do you think I can get this egg into that jar without it cracking-
John: No-
Philip: *chucks egg directly at Frances's face*
Philip: Guess you're right-

***

John: Why am I here-
Alex: Because you're easily distracted-
John: What? When it comes to mental focus I'm sharper th-
Alex: *pulls out an apple*
John: Ooooh!

***

John: I am a person that likes to think things through-
Alex: Since when? I once saw you eat a marshmallow that was still on fire-

***

John: Where is this water coming from-
Alex: John, you're crying-

***

John: I did that adult thing you can do where you buy an entire cake and just eat it. I am eating an entire cake-
John: Update: There is more cake than I imagined-
John: I see now why Momma didn't let me do this-

***

Alex: Being five foot is so hard sometimes-
John: It's true. I remember being 10 and not being able to reach anything-
Alex:

***

[Playing Heads Up]

Alex: You put this in your coffee-
John: A spoon? Your hands? Your face!
Alex: It's white-
John: Snow! A GHOST!
Alex: It's heavier than milk-
John: A ROCK! A DOG! THE EARTH!!!

***

[About to go on a rollercoaster]

John: *reading the sign* Warning! This ride may cause: Crying, screaming, projectile vomiting, amnesia, spine loss, embarrassing accidents, uncontrollable gas and explosive diarrhea-
Alex: Big deal, I did half that stuff this morning-

***

John: I changed all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it will tell me "Your password is incorrect"-
Alex: John that's how you get h a c k e d-

***

John: The night is still young-
Alex: It's 5am-
John: Well I'm still young right-

***

Alex: He's afraid of raccoons-
John: Because they're terrifying, and wear little masks-

***

John: I've been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was eighteen years old-
John: To get to go sit in an air conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch is paid for...that is the life-

***