the fact that i made 9 of these in less than a week really says something about me as a person doesn't it
enjoy more lams content jully 🥺❤️
LAURENS207

***

John: It's almost Halloween!
Alex: It's the middle of July-
John: hApPy hALLoWeEn!!!

***

Alex: John, I've been trying to tell you this for years. Your "bacon allergy" is a lie Eleanor made up so you'd eat healthy as a kid-
John: No! I'm just allergic to a lot of stuff-
John: Bacon...donuts...candy...not saying "thank you"-

***

Alex: How many popsicles have you eaten today?
John, laying in a bed of popsicle wrappers: Now is not the time to talk about my personal flaws as a human-

***

Alex: We're so in sync! We finish each other's...
John:
Alex: ...sssss-
John: -sssomebody once told me-

***

John: Time to get serious. Alex, put on your game face-
Alex:
John: Not your gay face, your game face-
Alex: It's the same face!

***

Alex: John, what did you have for breakfast this morning-
John: M&M cereal-
Alex: I didn't even know M&Ms made a cereal-
John: They don't. It's just M&Ms in a bowl with milk-

***

Alex: Hey look John, I'm melting butter-
John: That's great Lex. You now have the cooking skills of a hot day-

***

Alex: John, would you like some salad-
John: Since I am not a rabbit, no I do not-

***

Alex: Do you have the time-
John: For you Alex? Are you joking? Are you yankin my chain? Are you joshin me? Alex. I would always make time for you. My time is precious but you are more so. Alex you... are a shining pearl in a sea of mediocrity. I would do anything for you- *wipes tear*
Alex: No babe like what time is it-

***

Koda: *yawns*
John: Koda is TIRED we are DONE for the day everyone pack up your things and go home ALEX take Koda to his bed MAKE SURE he goes to sleep Alex ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?? Everyone stop YELLING no wonder Koda is tired you people are EXHAUSTING-

***

Frances: Dad, you're embarrassing me!
John: Welcome to the rest of your life sweetheart-

***

John: If you ever speak to me in Spanish, please use the formal "usted"-
Alex: I- John that's noT-

***

John: How cool are house-boats? You go home and sail away. What's your address? The ocean-
Alex: John for the love of god please go to sleep-

***

John: Well, you're still grounded. Cuh-pice?
Frances: ...It's capiché Dad-
John: Hahaha. Toosh-
France: ...Touché-

***

Alex: I'll have you know that I can bench press over six million and ninety-two nanograms-
John: Alex that's less than two pounds-
Alex: Sounded better the way I said it-

***

John: Let's do something really scary!
Alex: We could go to bed early and be alone with our thoughts-

***

Alex: If you're fortunate enough, your internal organs will spend their entire lifespan in absolute darkness-
John: Not if I swallow this glow stick-

***

John: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container-
Angie: The cow????

***

John: Is a corndog a sandwich or a popsicle-
Alex: It's too early for you to be asking these kinds of questions

***

Alex: What's your type-
John: Type of what-
Alex: Of blood-
John: Oh red-

***

John: *holds the door open for Alex* After you-
Alex: No after you-
John: No you-
Alex: I insist, after you-
Frances: *pushes past both of them* After me-

***

John: Look I'm going to be frank with you-
Philip: Oh okay. Can I still be Philip-
Frances: If your Frankie, who am I-

***

John: I'm bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we need him-
Alex: Leave him-
John: BUT HE CHANGES COLOR! HE IS VITAL-

***

Alex: Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer-
John: The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer-

***

John: Anybody under 5'7 can't talk about fighting someone. Like what are you gonna do? Headbutt someone in the nipples?
Alex: Say goodbye to your kneecaps John-

***

Eleanor: How's John?
Alex: Well last week he was supposed to buy gas, but instead, he bought novelty cookie cutters. Now everything we eat is shaped like a dinosaur-

***

Alex: *raises glass* It's time for a toast-
John: I'll go get the butter-
Alex: John you idiot, no!
John:
Alex:
Alex: You need to get the bread first-

***

John: The moon looks really pretty tonight!
Alex: It really is-
Philip: *whispers* We should tell them that's a tortilla you threw at the window-
Frances: Please don't-

***

Alex: I wasn't that drunk last night-
John: You were flirting with me-
Alex: You're my husband, that's not weird!
John: You asked if I was single. And when I said I wasn't, you started crying-

***

Angie: Can we go to a haunted house this year-
John: What's wrong with the one we live in?
Angie: WHAT?!
John: Good night Angie!
Angie: PAPAAAAA!

***

John: I let my dogs drink the bathtub water while I was in it-
Priest: Once again, kind of weird but not a sin-

***

John: Every odd number has an e in it-
Alex: John its 3am-
John: thrEE-

***

John: *walks into the room with watery eyes, sniffing*
Alex: John whats wrong? Why are you crying?
John: I'm not crying, my eyes are just watery from the smoke coming off of the fire I made in the kitchen again-
Alex:
Alex: W H A T-

***

Alex: I'm cold-
John: What? *takes jacket off* I told you to bring more layers but you didn't listen and now *piling scarves on him* Now I've got to make sure you don't freeze to death and *takes someone else's hat* how long have you been cold you should've said something sooner-

***

John: I need some serotonin-
Alex: *stands up*
Alex: *sits back down*
Alex: I didn't remember what serotonin was until after I stood up, but I was literally about to go get you some-

***

John, after taking two melatonin gummies, standing alone in the kitchen at 3 AM eating cheese and sipping from a glass of wine: Self care-

***

Alex: Tax season's comin'-
John: Wait that's not a meme? People actually pay taxes?
Alex: Yeah, we all have to-
John: Ok, but why-
Alex:

***

Alex: There isn't anything you can say to stop me!
John: Oh yeah? What if I said...blargen fediddle no-hip-
Alex:
Alex: Well I gotta admit, that slowed me down-

***

John: This book changed my life-
Alex: This is a Lorax DVD-

***

John: Y'all always talk about e-boys this and e-girls that-
John: But no one wants to talk about the e-conomy-
John: Hi I'm John and I'm running for president-

***