I don't know how to end my days any more. The rising and setting of the sun hasn't meant anything to me for years. That is my curse for being a cop for so long. There is no "off" button for police. I don't know a single cop who has one. We deal, for the most part, with the worst that humanity has to offer and we don't know how to stop dealing with it.  Countless fights, abused children, drunks, and dead bodies all take a toll on every cop. Some lose health and some lose sanity. I've lost, forever, I think, the ability to have good sleep. 

I used to sleep well. I remember just lying down and closing my eyes and then waking up hours later. The closing of the eyes is so hard now. Some times I think that there just is no "winding down" for police. The mind and body get set on a certain speed so we can cope with the job and we are not allowed to touch the controls, even after we stop being cops. 

They don't teach you these things in the academy. They don't tell you how to deal with men having sex with little boys and little girls. They give you tips on taking the dead body smell out of your clothes but not out of your mind. They don't teach you how to walk away okay from an autopsy of a little baby and stay sane. They don't even talk about it.  But you do it. And before you know it you are fine. On to the next one. But then things become different all of a sudden. You get ulcers, you don't sleep, you get mad easily, your chest hurts,  and you don't think any of  it has anything with your job. You are wrong. It is your body telling you that you stayed too long on that ride. That you took it too seriously. And that is is too late.

Writing about it helps me a little bit. It isn't a cure, but it does help. But many cops don't choose writing. They choose things like hard  liquor, beer, or drugs. They choose abuse, lies, divorce, or even suicide. And that is so sad. They deserve better than that for what they have done on your behalf. For the things they put up with all in the name of keeping you safe and sane. 

Just rambling....