I always change things, and I ruin them. I'm screaming that as I write this. I do. I've gone through so many friends through the years, wearing them out like rags. Olivia, she was a nice one. My best friend. We ate mac n' cheese, and had sleepovers every weekend. Every day. But that's over. We still argue about who dumped who, but it was probably me.

And then Maachah and Gabby. I felt isolated, just the distant pointed tip of the triangle. I never did know quite what happened there. We just went back to school, after the lonely summer ended, and waved hello in the halls, and let it rest there.

I'm always the catalyst for these changes, because I never cared what happened. I didn't expect to care what happened this time, either. But I kept going to your stories, and refreshing your activity. Your Tumblr was gone. Eventually, I undid what I did, and decided that was enough. I opened that path again...but couldn't bring myself to do more. I lost that right, to talk to you. When you've been nothing but kind...and when my sister always reminds me, how you've been nothing but kind. And I've been a bitchbitchbitchybitch. And I'm sorry. It wasn't the end of the world, I wasn't a great meteor or black hole or virus out of control...but something was destroyed. Something nice.

Here's what I'm doing, trying to pretend like I have reasons and purposes. Trying to make sense of this senseless thing I did. I guess it lessens the pain. For me, probably. I don't deserve excuses, because they're a thing you earn. I've earned none of it.