Hey, hey. Guess what? This girl got a 100% mark in her declamation! Yep!

You guys can't believe how happy I am! I told my dad and he was happy for me. If it was payday he'd probably treat me or something. Probably.

So when we got home at around 9:30 pm (Because of car coding rules and etcetera), and of course I did what other excited people would do and tell my mother about what happened.

"Hey, guess who got a 100% on her declamation?!" I said, probably grinning or something.

Then she said "What." And I thought she didn't hear but then she said. "Who did?"

From there my smile dropped and I felt as if something hit me in the chest. I wanted to scream "Who else?! I'm the only one who had this declamation thing! Bitch, so what was I gonna say??? Oh, Ger got a 100% mark even though she's not in the same class as me, OF COURSE IT WAS ME!!!!" But then I just kept silent. I just said "Okay nvm."

Then I think she processed it but instead of saying "Wow, congratulations! I'm proud of you! Etc etc." Like I expected she just said "What were your props?"

....

Hello? You're child has very low self esteem and might've been trying to get a confidence boost from you? How do you not notice?!

I think I lost my cool for a bit then said "Well, ask papa since he was watching through the CCTV." I said.
(My dad is the security head of our school. He has CCTVs in EVERY CLASSROOM. He watches us. It's creepy, I know.) "So... What were you're props?" Cue annoyed and slightly in emotional turmoil me.

"Oh I don't know! I left the cards, shot glass and any potential prop item I could use!" In a sarcastic voice, and since I said that in Tagalog makes me sound more angrier than I actually am.

I just gave up then I looked for my powerbank which my sister now left at the car. I just changed into tank tops and shorts, which were a little bit too revealing. TOO revealing. I was wearing a tanktop and cycling shorts that show my whole soul and I didn't want the risk of some maniac seeing me as a future rape victim of his.

So I asked my sister to get it. She seemed annoyed like "Why me ugh" bratty little sister stuff. She said get it in the car but she left it near the gate. NEAR THE GODDAMNED FUCKING GATE.

What did that mean, I had to go out the door, in some revealing as fuck outfit. I got it and told my mother what she did then she was all like "Psh you're wearing decent clothes, why didn't you get it."

I tried to explain myself but in the end I just gave up and did that gesture when you're like: "I'm done." The throwing up of your arms then just let them fall down and letting out an "Argh!" or "Ughhh" or smth. Yea, I did that.

But unfortunately, I forgot that I was holding a powerbank and it still has the cord on it so as I brought my hands down, it hit a plate and caused some loud noise. Thankfully it wasn't broken.

Then cue mom be like "Oh don't you get angry at me" and "you did that on purpose." Yadayada all that stuff. Normally I would've talked back but I just ran away.

Maybe it was just the exhaustion, the stress of exams, my teenage hormones, and the feeling of neglect I feel that all just came together and I ran to our room and locked it.
I ran towards my bed (which was the upper bunk, which means I share rooms with that godforsaken sister).

I started crying, then slowly hyperventilating. I was clutching my head. Then I hear my sister knocking and my mother screaming. So I opened the door and met face to face with the sis. I was still crying and hyperventilating. She saw that.

I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I started crying even harder and hyperventilating even more if that made any sense. I was just curled up in a ball, occasionally standing up or intentionally hitting my head on the wall, anything for it to calm down.

When it did, I came here to write this.

To calm down.

Writing calms me down

You know, the sad thing is, my sister saw me crying and hyperventilating yet she didn't help me or anything. Not even an "are you okay?". No. She just slept.

Currently, I'm planning to tell Mama why in the fuck I just said that and locked myself in.

But unfortunately, we are Filipino. Hence, Asian.

I've heard this somewhere and I would like to confirm it.

They said, "You can't even show that you are crying or you're suffering. Even if you show them or tell them, they just think you're just some little snowflake who can't handle reality. In other words a pussy. When in reality, you might be suffering from something that isn't normal."

And... That Is true. I'll just be called "maarte" to my face.

But what is also alarming is that the crying and hyperventilating, it wasn't the first time it happened. In fact, the longer it gets, the more frequent and worse it it.

Is this normal teenager things? I don't even know.