February 19, 2013

Came back from Manhattan yesterday. Turns out I met a River who isn't pregnant yet. I left Brooke with an older her at Amy and Rory's house while we were there. I guess she knew the whole time. I think I'm leaving again soon, though. River can tell. The tension between us is huge after the argument yesterday about her parents. Unfortunately, it's an angry kind of tension, not a can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other kind. I'm back now, though. Even if she's been avoiding me all day, only coming into the room to get Brooke. I don't care what she says about her parents, she should have told me something was going to happen and that Brooke wouldn't see her grandparents again. It's hitting me hard. I'm tired of this. Maybe I should go into retirement soon.

My Brooke is, without doubt, the most amazing thing in the universe next to River. I love them both. It's just hard right now. I want her to grow up with loving parents, not ones that avoid each other. The argument will eventually pass, I know. But Time Lords have remarkable memories, and I don't doubt she'll be able to remember these days when she's older. I've got to take a break. With or without Brooke. I don't know, but I need somewhere to grieve. River needs somewhere to grieve.

'Showing the damage'. I'm tired of that. She's not perfect, and she's vulnerable. I understand that. Her not letting me in isn't working so well with me. I'm her husband, whether she likes it or not. I'm Brooke's father. And I just want to help her. If she won't let me in, how am I supposed to let her in? This doesn't make sense. I don't understand the logic.

The Doctor shut his diary and set down his pen.

She was so confusing. Why did she have to act like that?

In the corner, Brooke woke up from her nap and started crying. He stood up and walked above her crib. "It's all right. You're okay. You hungry?"

Brooke made a noise of agreement.

"I've got her."

The Doctor jumped at the sound of River's voice, and turned around. "Okay."

He watched awkwardly from the side as River picked her up and sat down in the rocking chair, then started to feed her.

"Are we going to talk about this or not?" He finally asked. "Talk about what." She said, not making it sound much like a question.

"This entire time you've been pregnant and had Brooke, you knew what was going to happen to your parents. They're gone now, River." At her sharp intake of breath he continued, "and I'm tired of you hiding the damage. I'm tired of you avoiding me just in case I say something."

She didn't reply for a moment, just watched her daughter eat. "We've been over this. You know I couldn't tell you. You know how this works."

He frowned and put his hands to his temples. "Well, fine. Sure. Let's just forget about you not telling me for now. But 'hiding the damage'? Avoiding me? That's something we need to talk about."

River still didn't meet his eyes. "You've got to grieve. You should. There's no reason to worry about me, I'm fine."

"Don't say that, River. I know what that means. Is it so bad for me to want you to be vulnerable around me? I know you, I get you. I get it. And it would be so much easier for me if you wouldn't bottle everything up."

She stayed silent for a good minute this time before replying. "I'm fine."

He let out a frustrated noise through his nose. "Okay. Sure. Whatever. You want to do it that way, we'll do it that way. You don't want me to help you. Just because you're afraid I can't handle it. I'll tell you what, River." He walked over to her, and knelt down to look her in the eyes, though her head was still down. "I'll leave you alone. Maybe visit Victorian London. I'm sorry you feel like you can't show yourself to me. I can bring Brooke for a little while, too. Let you have a break. Maybe for a day or two. Then I'll come back, and maybe we'll both have cooled off."

River finally lifted her head to meet his eyes. He almost gasped aloud when he saw the tear streaks running down her cheeks. "No, I'll keep Brooke. She's got to eat. We can stay at Mum and Dad's house while you go." She told him, and pulled her daughter away from her and fixed her shirt.

The Doctor brought a hand to her cheek and brushed his thumb across. "I'm sorry I'm so rubbish."

She managed a weak smile and leaned in to press a chaste kiss to his lips. "I get it, it's fine. You're going to have to help me get some of her clothes together."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

-45 minutes later-

"Are you sure that's enough clothes? Does she need any more diapers? I can bring her cot from her room on the TARDIS." He said quickly, lugging the large bag up the stairs.

"If you manage to land her a couple days from now, she won't need any more. I don't think the TARDIS will let you mess up, though."

He sat the bag down in the guest room with a huff. "I'll be back on time, I promise. I wouldn't leave you, and you know it."

She nodded, and he barely caught the glint of sadness in her eyes. He bit his lip and looked down at his 3-week old. "Bye, Brooke. Daddy'll be right back, I promise." He leaned down and kissed her forehead softly.

"River, I swear, I'll be here soon. I promise." She let a ghost of a smile come to her lips, and he grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her into a long, lingering kiss.

"I love you." He whispered, and pressed his lips to hers once more before turning and going back into the TARDIS, already setting coordinates.

River sighed and sat down. "I love you, too."

February 19, 1843. 5:02 PM

I left them. Not for long, obviously. I'm coming back soon. But I need time to think. By myself. It can be the start of my retirement. Amy and Rory were my best friends, and I've got to grieve. I'm tired of saving the universe. Let someone else do it. For now, I've got a cloud above everything that the TARDIS is parked on. I've changed the desktop and it reflects my mood much better now-cold and gloomy. I'll stay for maybe a week. Maybe two. I'm not sure.

March 6, 1843. 4:36 AM

Maybe I've been away for too long. I miss them. Vastra's in this era as well, apparently, and won't stop bugging me about this and that. I don't understand why they can't get it. All I can do is wallow in my own self-pity. Yes, I admit it. The Ponds are gone. My wife will be gone. I haven't thought up any way to save her yet. The Tesselecta won't work. I'm certainly not downloading her onto the TARDIS. The only thing I've thought of is using the Flesh, but I'll still be using River's memory space. It may not be her brain, but it will go straight to the real River.

I need someone.

December 25, 1843 2:21 AM

I met someone. I wasn't planning on a companion, but it happened anyway. Her name was Clara Oswin Oswald. She died today.

I've met her before, though. At the Dalek Asylum. The voice was the same, the last name is the same. The difference is that she died then too. What is she? That's what I've been trying to figure out. Maybe I am avoiding River. I miss her, yes. But I want to save my days with her. I need to save them for the times I need them the most. I was thinking about Kazran. That's what his problem was. He hoarded his love's days and didn't use the last until he was old, too old. Is that what I'm doing? Yes. Except I feel guilty. She's not just my love. She's my wife. She's the mother of my daughter. I think I'm going to go see her soon. It's been 10 months, and there's nothing I want to do more than find her and hold her in my arms.

I've had a lot of time to think about it. She's right. She couldn't have told me what would happen to her parents. But there is absolutely no reason I can think of that she should hide her grief, hide her vulnerability. I don't know when I'll go back. When I find what's happened with this Clara, certainly. I'm not sure I have the strength to do anything before that. I know River's going to slip through my fingers soon. One day soon, I will have to go to Darillium with her. Do I want to?

I'd rather regenerate from getting cut up in a blender.

I may be selfish to hold her days in my hands. Okay, I am selfish. If I go back, then I won't leave. And if I won't leave, her days will slip away too fast. Her life will fade. She knows my fears about this. But I have a hard time believing she'll tell me to leave. That she'd take me away from Brooke's childhood.

I'm running away from my own family. The first time, I couldn't be happier. The second time, I feel so guilty I'm drowning myself in anything else I can fine.

[A/N. If you're wondering, the ones in italics are entries in his diary. I know, I know, I couldn't have started off more angsty. I've read multiple time baby fics, and a lot of them have the Doctor staying in a house to raise the baby. I don't think that could happen. There's what his thoughts were, though. I'm making this story in the third POV instead of the first. I just feel safer writing it like that. The beginning was sad, but it did describe how it would've happened. So vavoom. Anyways, what did you think? Good, not good? They make up eventually, so don't worry. I've got a plan! Picture at side is Alex Kingston's real daughter, Salome Haertel! Isn't she cute? :) ]

[VOTES ARE AWESOME! CLICK THAT BUTTON! COMMENTS ARE EVEN AWESOMER! SO DO IT!]

[I'll make a deal with you. Vote and I'll tell you my real first name! :) ]