it's been so long since 

i felt like myself.

it's been so long since 

i felt like i belonged somewhere,

been floating like 

an aimless cloud with no

land to call me its own.

it's been so long that

i am forgetting the last time

i laughed with someone over tea

until my heart was tired,

not of chaos as it has been nowadays,

but by the waves of happiness.

it's been so long since

my friend held my withering body,

ran her fingers on my scars

and told me she's here to stay,

so long since i rested my head

on my mother's lap

and wept all night,

her fingers in my hair

and her warmth warming my cold soul.

so many mornings have passed

when i look into the mirror to see 

happy faces but sad, cold eyes.

my body bookmarked with lust and sins

that i miss those days when it smelled

of mud and sweat and held daisy petals

stuck to it.

it's been so long since i loved someone well;

i have been a monster lately

hiding under the excuse of a human,

tired, tired, tired -

tiredness which cannot be cured by sleep

but by things which life has forgotten to give.

it's been so long since i have

been myself

that i am forgetting what it was

to be me. 

Author's note:

Sometimes it feels an incoherent amount of tiredness that cannot just be cured by sleep. The title 'growing out' signifies the bitter side of adulthood. As you grow up, you grow 'out' of your own self, into someone you never knew. The people who held your little hands as you swung in the swingset and promised to stay forever start to leave. You're so caught up trying to live that you almost forgot to live. :'(