"Gising ka na..."

Pagkamulat ko ng mga mata ay nakita ko ang tuwa sa mukha ni Bea. I blinked twice, sinusubukang aninagin ang buong paligid. And I jsut saw Bea quickly stood up and went elsewhere.

While I'm sleeping, my altered state of consciousness is still fully aware. I can see things vividly. I even dreamed that I was with Gino in a vast flower field. We lay down and gazed up at the sky happily, it felt so real... and that was something we had never experienced before.

Everything was so lovely... not until the atmosphere suddenly dimmed and the sky became dark, and when I looked to my side... he was gone.

"Jaz, gising na!" Rinig ko ang boses ni Bea sa labas nitong kwarto, at nakita ko na nga silang dalawa sa tabi ko.

"Nagugutom ka ba?" tanong agad sa akin ni Jaz pero hindi ko siya nasagot at luminga lang ako sa paligid, nagbabasakaling makita ko siya rito sa loob ng kwarto. "Saglit, kunin ko lang mga dinala namin, ha?"

Tumayo si Jaz at nagtungo sa side table saka siya nag-prepare ng mga dinala nilang pagkain. Sinubukan ko pang igala ang paningin ko sa paligid pero naluluhang napailing na lang ako noong hindi ko pa rin siya nakikita.

"Yshawn..." Hinawakan ni Bea ang kamay ko at naghalong lungkot at nag-aalala ang mukha niya habang nakatingin sa akin.

When I attempted to move, I felt something in my arm. Tiningnan ko iyon at nakita ang suwero na nakatusok rito. Nang mapagtanto kung bakit mayroong nakatusok na ganoon sa braso ko ay napatanong ako sa sarili ko. How many days have I been unconscious?

"H'wag mo muna ipuwersa sarili mo," nag-aalalang sabi ni Bea.

"Si... Si, Gino?" I asked her. Agad naman siyang napatahimik at nag-iwas ng tingin sa akin, hindi siya makasagot. She couldn't answer my question... That simple question seemed so difficult for her to answer. At that moment, my emotions burst. "B-Bea?"

Naluha na ako at mariing umiiling habang unti-unting pumapasok sa katinuan ko ang totoong nangyari. Hinihiling ko pa na sana hindi totoo ang lahat. Sana ay panaginip lang iyon. Sana mali ang nasa balita.

Gusto ko na siyang makita... alam kong naghihintay na siya sa akin! Hindi ko na inaksaya ang oras at bumangon ako. Pinilit kong tanggalin ang suwero sa braso ko, at noong matanggal iyon ay mabilis akong lumabas ng kwarto.

Bea tried everything to stop me, but I was no longer in myself, dahilan para mapalayo siya noong marahas kong inaalis ang mga nakatusok sa akin. Narinig ko ang boses nila ni Jaz sa likuran ko pero hindi ko na sila kayang pakinggan.

Pupunta ako roon... Pupuntahan ko si Gino! Kailangan niya ako. Naghihintay siya sa akin! May usapan kami... Nangako rin siya sa akin. Noong makalabas ako ng hospital ay agad na nabasa ang buong katawan ko nang sumuong ako sa ulan.

Hindi ko na iyon inisip pa at nagpatuloy lang ako sa paglalakad at nagmamadaling mapuntahan kung nasaan siya. Hindi ako naniniwala na wala na siya, baka nasa apartment niya lang siya o hindi kaya naghihintay pa rin siya doon sa tagpuan namin! I know he's waiting for me!

I wasn't in the right mind as I hurried to the waiting shed when a car suddenly stopped in front of me. Napahinto ako at naningkit ang mga mata ko dahil sa nakasisilaw na liwanag ng headlights nito. When the light died down, I quickly recognized the person inside.

"Yshawn, my god... How come you're outside?!" he asked worriedly, placing his hand on his head. Even though it's pouring severely, he tries not to get wet using his hand. So senseless. "Get in the car."

"No," I refused, then shook my head, and backed away from him.

"Yes, and get in the car now!" he said authoritatively before approaching me again.

"Do you even care?" he stopped when I said that.

He slowly took his hand off his head and then stood up straight. He gave me a long, serious look before turning to his side, smirking.

"Can't you see? The rain's pouring and I'm here picking you up dahil baka hindi lang pilay 'yang magiging sakit mo... and why asking? Yshawn, I have no time for this-"

"I have," I interjected into his speech. I made an effort to look him in the eyes, and when I saw them, I couldn't help but clench my fists. He's a murderer! "I know you hate him so much... Y-You told me you were going to kill him... And I know you did it!"

"Did what?! Oh, come on. Did the accident hit your mind?!" he said sarcastically. "You're getting paranoid!"

He approached me and mocked me, causing me to lose control. I grabbed his collar and raised my fist at him. I wanted to blow his face! I badly wanted to kill him with one hit, but when I could cease, I instead just shoved him forcefully. Napalayo siya sa kinatatayuan ko, and when he looked at me and saw how enraged I was, he suddenly became humble!

"Okay, fine, I get it... I know you love him but it's not right that you're accusing me of being a murderer all my life knowing me-"

"You're a fuck!" I shouted. "That's how I've known you all my life." I put an intensity on each word. I also didn't let him to not see my rage while saying those words. I want to throw stones at him and stab him to death! I want him to remember that deep in his soul.

He came to a halt when he saw what I did next. I raised my fist and lifted my finger where the engagement ring was worn. It was a fuck-you-ring-finger that I pointed at his face.

Inalis ko iyon at binitawan. Mabilis siyang lumuhod sa sahig at napanood ko ang pagkataranta niya habang hinanap iyong singsing.

"Fuck!" he cussed. He was pissed. "It's expensive... it's a diamond! Don't you know?!"

I stared at him. At doon ay napahilamos na lang ako ng mukha at nag-angat ng ulo... Huminga ako nang malalim. I then bowed my head and cried.

Because of him, I lost a lot. I wasted a lot. I have missed things. But... how can I blame him for everything I lost when I was the one who caused it all? If I made the right decisions and chose the right option, that won't ever happen...

But he said he loved me.

"Yshawn, listen." He meekly approached me after he found the ring, and now he looked like he was begging. "We can sort this out, not here but there at the hospital. We need to go back there and-"

"No... it won't." Umiling ako.

"It will!" he suddenly shouted. And he calmed down again so quickly. "You know... you're being unfair. I..." He pulled his hair out. Tumalikod siya at muli akong hinarap. "Just please listen. We can talk about it, Yshawn... why... why are even you here? W-Where exactly you're going? Huh?"

"I'm going to save him," I said. "You've stopped me once, and I won't listen to you anymore."

"Save him?" he remarked, pausing to take a long, hard look at me. His face was asking me if I was serious. He then eventually grinned and turned to face me with wrath in his eyes. "Yshawn, it's no use. He's already dead!"

Napatitig ako sa kaniya nang matagal. Noong makita ko ang pagngiti niya ay hindi na ako nagdalawang isip na sunggaban siya ng suntok. He fell to the floor and I loved seeing him like that! Gusto ko pa sana siyang suntukin kaso pinigilan na ako nila Bea.

"Yshawn! Tama na!" Jaz said it with a begging tone. Pareho nila akong yakap, at nagpupumiglas ako para makawala dahil kulang pa iyon! Gustong kong basagin ang bungo niya!

"Yshawn..." umiiyak na pagtawag ni Bea sa akin.

"Hindi! He's not dead! Sinungaling ka! Buhay si Gino... Buhay siya!" I shouted as I tried to get closer to his place to throw a punch at him.

Noong mawalan ako ng balanse ay napaluhod ako. Nasasabi niya iyan dahil iyon ang gusto niyang mangyari! Palibhasa ay parating iyon ang bukang bibig niya!

Lahat sila, kapag tinatanong ko kung nasaan si Gino, hindi sila makasagot! Pare-pareho ang hitsura ng mga mukha nila, pinapakita nila sa akin na wala na siya kahit hindi naman iyon ang totoo!

"Yshawn..." Jaz managed to kneel and touch my cheeks while I struggled. As I saw her crying, she softly caressed my cheeks and did her best to calm me down. When I finally calmed down a bit, I was shaking my head, refusing to take whatever she had to say to me. "Yshawn... t-totoo 'yon..."

"Jaz?" my voice cracked. As I hastily shook my head, I felt the tears in my eyes grow more severe.

"Yshawn, I'm sorry..." Jaz stopped her sentence and bowed down to take a deep breath before returning her gaze to mine. She was also having chaos. "Totoo 'yon... totoong wala na si Gino."

After hearing that, I was suddenly deaf. It felt as if I had heard bombs, it was so loud. My entire body weakened. My chest tightened, and I couldn't breathe properly. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't see clearly when tears filled my eyes. I felt nothing. Everything... everything was gone, and I was one of them.

My body curled up, and I bit my lower lip too hard. I couldn't help but cry as loud as I could. The tears from my eyes were as strong as the falling raindrops. My world collapsed so miserably, and it stopped spinning.

Hindi ko man lang siya nayakap, hindi ko man lang nahawakan ang kamay niya. Kahit sa huli, hindi ko man lang siya nasamahan. We made a promise that we would die together... That's what I promised him... but I never even kept it!

We still have a lot of dreams we want to fulfill, a lot of places we want to go and see, a lot of things we want to do, silence we want to hear, and the peace we want to feel. We have so many, many plans... and we want to win those together... I wish I could have saved him.

"I'm sorry..." while sobbing, I whispered.

I'm sitting on the bed and doing nothing but shrieking. I don't know how many days I've been like this. I don't leave the room and seem to be tied to my bed, asking to be eaten by it and just disappear. I was dumbfounded for a few minutes and after a few moments, I then resumed crying.

After a bit, I'll eventually get back to sitting on the bed and then lie down again. I'll cry and drown myself in my own tears. It will repeat in the same pattern—never-ending. It seems like there is no way to disrupt the rhythm of my sore day.

I want to go back in time, turn back the clock, and save him. Wish I could hold his hand when he's in that place... and I wish I could hug him and pat his back... Gusto kong malaman niya na nasa tabi niya lang ako. I want to assure him that everything will be fine.

I want to leave everything behind. I wish to leave reality, but it will never change or escape the fact that he is gone, Gino is gone. Even if I try to veer off course, almost all the roads lead there. It was far too painful.

I just fell asleep after bawling my eyes out. Noong magising ako ay narinig ko ang boses ni Bea sa labas. Naririnig ko rin na hindi lang siya nag-iisa roon, nandoon din sina Jaz at mga kaibigan niya. Ilang sandali pa ay pumasok na sila sa kwarto ko.

"Yshawn, kumain ka muna..." I heard Jaz's voice.

They were behind me and I couldn't respond to Jaz. Simula pa noong isang araw niya ako pinapakiusapan na kumain pero wala akong gana para gawin iyon. Sa ilang araw na iyon ay nadadatnan kong nasisira na lang ang pagkain sa table dahil hindi ko man lang iyon magawang galawin.

They did everything they could to aid and support me during this difficult and painful time. But I don't seem to feel anything anymore, I'm dead numb. Of all the great presence that they gave me, I couldn't find mine and I don't think I can find that anymore.

My eyes were drawn to Gino and I's broken glass picture frame. I saw our shared smile, a smile that I know will live forever. Habang pinagmamasdan iyon ay muli ko na naman siyang naaalala, at muling sumisiksik sa isipan ko na wala na siya. And that's when I started crying again.

"Yshawn..." pagtawag sa akin ni Bea.

Naramdaman ko ang paggalaw ng kama ko. Alam kong si Bea iyon, umupo siya sa tabi ko pero hindi ko siya magawang lingunin.

"Tumawag 'yong funeral service... ikaw lang and si Ggohn ang may contact sa phone ni Gino. Sinagot ko 'yong tawag para sa 'yo. Ang sabi... sinubukan nilang contact-kin 'yong Dad niya saka 'yong mga kamag-anak niya..." sabi niya na hindi na niya nadugtungan. Parang nahihirapan siyang sabihin ang kasunod.

"Hindi raw nila siya kilala." Napamulat ako ng mga mata noong marinig ko ang sinabi ni Ggohn.

My fists clenched causing the blanket that covered me to wrinkle. Hindi nila siya kilala? Gino is their relative but they don't know him? Iyong Dad niya, ganoon na ba talaga siya kasama at kaya niyang ipagtabuyan at itanggi ang sarili niyang anak?

Si Gino iyon, even though he knows that he is blinded by his father's own fucking moral principles... lahat ng pamantayan na hangad ng Dad niya para sa kaniya ay sinunod niya iyon. He did everything he could to not disappoint him!

He accepted all of the cruel words. He accepted them, even knowing that his father would not recognize or appreciate him despite his perils and sacrifices. But he still tried everything for his father to see him, and that was enough to prove that he was a good son! That was enough!

Pero ano ito ang ginagawa ng Dad niya? Sinabi niyang hindi niya kilala? Wala na si Gino! Ang anak niya! He is his own blood and flesh, sariling anak niya ang sinasabihan niya na hindi niya kilala! Napakasama! Napakasama nila!

"They didn't want to claim him, but we will," rinig kong sabi ni Kuya Sullivan. And that's when I became even more enraged by what I heard: "I know it's a difficult process, but don't worry. We're here."

"I will help with the funeral arrangements," there was sadness, but Dianne spoke with conviction.

"I'll help with the investigation," Summer said. She's a police officer, so I felt a little touched that she also wanted to help.

"Dad owns a Private Detective Agency, and they've started investigating. I'll make sure it helps. Mahuhuli rin siya, Yshawn," Dianne added.

"We own one of the largest law firms... once the culprit is apprehended, I will handle everything," Ggohn spoke with conviction and eagerness. It's clear from his voice that he's determined to do it. "And for funeral arrangements, we'll take care of the legal documentation. We'll claim him, we promise."

"Nandito lang ako... kaming lahat, Yshawn..." Bea said cautiously from behind me.

"Nandito lang kami..." si Jaz.

There, I softened even more and couldn't stop sobbing. Noong marinig ko ang boses nila at malaman ang intensyon nila ay mas lalo akong umiyak. Agad ko namang naramdaman ang paglapit ni Bea sa akin at yinakap niya ako, I could hear her crying.

Nakita ko naman sa harapan ko si Jaz. Lumuhod siya sa sahig at inilapat ang kaniyang ulo sa noo ko bago ako yinakap, sumabay na rin sa pag-iyak. Until I saw them all sitting next to me, and my room was filled with the sounds of sobbing.

"Tutulong kaming lahat... we'll help him..." dinig kong sabi ni Ggohn, nangangatal ang boses.

Sa sobrang iyak ko ay nakaramdam ako ng panghihina, hanggang sa ginapo na ako ng tulog. Only sleep gives me peace, in sleep I don't feel anything... I don't think of sadness... But as soon as I open my eyes, I face an endless pain again.

Isa -isa nila akong pinupuntahan para balitaan sa mga nangyayari, and one time, I just heard them knocking on my door before they quietly entered my room and informed me of the progress. They said that the investigation is still ongoing. I was truly disheartened when I heard that, but I felt a kind of resurfaced when I finally heard Ggohn say that they had a lead on who the suspect was.

Ginawa nilang lahat ang makakaya nilang maitulong sa kaso... Pati ang legal documentation sa pag-claim kay Gino. Lahat sila ay walang tulog at trinabaho ang lahat na dapat trabahuin... Gusto kong tumulong ngunit wala akong lakas.

Sa pagkulong ko sa kwarto... lahat ng poot at galit ay naipon ko na. Malaman ko lang kung sino ang gumawa noon sa kaniya ay tiyak ako na hindi ko lang sisirain ang mukha niya... I'm going to ruin his life... and even his whole being. I want him to feel the pain, the pain, and fear.

The next day, Ggohn and Summer came with the helpers carrying the boxes, and they piled them on the side of my bed. Mga gamit ito ni Gino na naiwan niya roon sa apartment na tinutuluyan niya.

There were no relatives and people closely related to him who wanted to receive those, so they brought his things here as I was the only person they knew who ought to keep them.

Naka-sort out ang bawat kahon at nakasulat kung ano ang laman ng mga ito. And a box with the words 'personal belongings collected from the deceased person' written on it, caught my eye.

"Those are things Gino had at the crime scene," Ggohn said as I looked at it. "Since the investigation is complete, they've returned the items that were not part of the potential evidence to support legal proceedings."

I didn't say anything and just stared at the box. They said their goodbyes after talking with me for they were not done assisting with the investigation and preparing for Gino's funeral arrangements.

When they left, a tear quickly welled up in my eyes... I wiped them away before slowly approaching the boxes and kneeling on the floor. Nanginginig pa ang mga kamay ko noong binuhat ko ito... I touched it as if it were him.

May parte sa akin na gustong buksan at tingnan ang laman nito, but I still didn't have the heart para gawin iyon kaya naibaba ko na lang ulit ito. I took the other box that was labeled with 'valuable belongings' of him. I drew it closer to me, and it was heavy and tightly sealed.

I rose up to get a cutter from the cabinet then I knelt down in front of the box and opened it. Sumilay sa akin ang kopya ng mga nobela niya... Narito rin iyong nobelang una niyang pinabasa sa akin. At nang maalala ko iyon ay bumuhos na naman ang mga luha ko, humihikbi ako habang hawak-hawak ito.

Nang ilang sandali pa ay napukaw ang atensyon ko sa isang litrato na nakaipit sa journal book niya... Kinuha ko iyon at binuklat ito kung nasaan nakaipit 'yong litrato. I ran my fingers over it before dropping the journal and sat on the floor to drew a gaze at it.

I'm now holding the wallet-sized picture of his Dad and Mom... and in this picture, he's still in the womb. Knowing that he still has this picture... I know he loves his parents very much... and he misses them so much as he told me before.

Eomma-wa appa-ga... neomu... neomu bogosip-eoyo. Those were the words he uttered as he sobbed in my arms. Even though I didn't understand what he said then, I can still understand and feel how much he misses his parents.

I started crying more and more and lowered my hand as I had that thought. "Miss na miss na kita..."

My gaze returned to the first box, which Ggohn told me that this is what Gino was carrying and wearing just before he was gone. I approached the box and stared at it for a long time before gathering the hearts to open it.

Nakita ko ang plastic envelope na naglalaman ng mga document... at base sa nababasa ko rito ay mga job-seeker requirements ito. When I pulled up the plastic envelope, my eyes flew to a little box. I put the envelope to the ground and grabbed the tiny box.

Nang buksan ko ito ay bumungad sa akin iyong hikaw... it was his small hoop earring. Ito iyong hikaw na ipinangako niya sa akin na hinding-hindi niya papalitan... and right there, I just sank to the floor, yelled, and sobbed in excruciating pain and anguish.

"Kaya mo na bang pumunta?" maingat na tanong sa akin ni Bea habang nilalagyan niya ng kanin at ulam ang plato na nasa harapan ko.

It's his third night wake and I still can't go. Sa tatlong araw na iyon ay nakakulong lang ako sa kwarto, wala sa sarili, tulala sa kawalan...

Dumapo ang mga mata ko sa larawan naming dalawa... tahimik at nakatulala... Nang makakuha ng lakas para gumalaw ay bumaba ako ng kama. Pagkahakbang palapit sa frame para kuhanin iyon ay natumba ako... until I ended up crying again.

Sa tatlong araw at gabi na iyon ay doon ko nalaman na wala nang taong kumakatok sa pinto. Akala ko ay kaya ko na ganoon ang sitwasyon... akala ko ay kaya ko na walang nariyan para sa akin, dahil pakiramdam ko... hindi ko sila kailangan...

Gusto ko na lang na pabayaan nila ako. I'm still breathing, but I'm actually dead on the inside. Pero noong mapagtanto kong wala nang kumakatok ay doon lang ako napatayo at lumabas ng kwarto... takot na takot...

Malubha ang pag-iyak ko habang binabanggit ang pangalan niya. Inilibot ko ang paningin ko at umaasang makikita sina Bea... pero walang laman ang buong bahay. Ilang sandali ay narinig ko ang boses ni Gino... 

Nangangatal kong hinalughog ang buong paligid at hinanap siya... Nakita ko siya na nakatayo sa loob ng kusina... malawak ang ngiti niya sa akin. Labis ang tuwa ko noong muli kong mapagmasdan iyon...

When I hurriedly approached him to embrace him, he suddenly disappeared. Napayuko na lang ako habang naroon pa rin ang yakap ko... Hanggang sa napaluhod na lang ako...

I cried some more... it was too loud... too much grief... and that's when Bea found me. She rushed over to me and hugged me... That hug was so real, but I expected it to be Gino's.

"Hindi ko alam..." sabi ko at pinilit ang sarili na sumubo ng pagkain. Sa pagnguya ko pa lang ay muli na naman akong umiyak.

"You'll get through this..." Bea said gravely before putting her hand on mine, softly pressing it. "We're here for you... we'll always be."

Natapos niya ang pagkain niya ngunit ang sa akin ay hindi man lang nangalahati ang bawas niyon. Wala akong gana... Malasahan ko lang ang pagkain ay parang isusuka ko lang iyon.

Bago kami nagtungo sa chapel ay kinuha ko muna ang frame, inalis ang lirato at inilipat iyon sa bagong biling frame ni Bea, siya mismo ang nagkusang bumili noon nang makita niya ang basag nitong luma.

Sa biyahe ay nakatulog ako galing sa pag-iyak. Nagising na lang ako noong maramdaman kong huminto na ang sasakyan. Pagkalabas ko ay dalawa lang na sasakyan ang nakikita ko.

Noong makapasok sa loob ay halos bumuhos na parang ulan ang luha ko nang makita na sina Jaz, Summer, Dianne, Kuya Sullivan, at Ggohn lang ang naririto.

Noong masipat nila ako ay sabay-sabay silang napatayo. Pagkakita na pagkakita nila sa akin na nakatingin sa mga bakanteng upuan habang umiiyak ay namataan ko agad ang reaksyon nila. 

Agad na napatakip ng bibig si Summer, nakayukong lumuluha. Si Ggohn ay hindi na makatingin sa akin habang tahimik na umiiyak. Si Kuya Sullivan naman ay nakayuko. Napuno ng hikbi ang paligid.

"Yshawn..." tila nangungulilang pagtawag sa akin ni Jaz bago niya ako nilapitan at yinakap nang mahigpit.

After Jaz let go of the hug, I could barely walked close to the coffin that was in front of all of us. Noong makalapit ako ay labis pa ang panginginig ng kamay ko nang ipinatong ko ang frame naming dalawa sa ibabaw nito. Hindi ko kaya... hindi ko kayang tingnan ang hitsura niya. Hindi ko kayang makita na ganito ang lagay niya... masakit!

I cried so much that my knees became weak... I then just fell to my knees with my hands resting on the floor... I don't want to believe that he is in front of me... no smile to greet me... There will be no more embraces for me... no life. Mabilis na lumapit sina Jaz at Bea sa akin at sabay silang lumuhod para yakapin ako.

"S-Sorry..." I stuttered. "I'm sorry... I was too unfair to him. I think that... in all the years we've been together... I thought, I was more mature. That I was the one who was correcting the path of both of us. I thought... he could hurt me, and he could do what Dad did to me. It was all my fault! He lined the right path, he did it for both of us and I didn't see that instead... I doubted him... hurt him, many times. I even left him... and now, I let him... I let him gone!"

Natatandaan ko pa... Natatandaan ko iyong pag-iwas ko sa kaniya noong pinagdudahan ko siya kay ate Kirsten... nakayuko at lugmok siyang nakasunod lang sa 'kin...

Tandang-tanda ko pa sa terminal ng bus... tandang-tanda ko ang bigat... ang hitsura niya at sa kung paano siya magmakaawa sa akin para lang hindi ako umalis... hinding-hindi mawawala sa isipan ko kung paano ko siya iniwasan at hinayaang mabasa sa ulan... nang mag-isa.

Naramdaman ko ang paghawak ng kamay ni Bea sa akin at naririnig ko ang pag-iyak nila mula sa mga balikat ko. Sinubukan nilang gawin ang lahat para pagaanin ang loob ko pero pati mismo sila ay hindi nila iyon magawa sa sarili nila.

"He doesn't like it when you blame yourself..." I heard Ggohn say that from behind me. "He doesn't want you to feel that way."

Napakalas sina Bea sa akin noong marahan akong tumayo at hinarap si Ggohn. Humakbang ako para lapitan siya at hindi ko maaalis ang mga mata ko sa kaniya. Nakagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko dahil sa pigil na pigil na emosyon.

"M-Marami akong nagawang kasalanan sa kaniya..." Halos hindi ko na maituwid ang mga sasabihin ko sa sobrang bigat ng nararamdaman. "I pushed him so many times. To the point that I'm hurting him. Binalewala ko lang lahat... I just ignored all his love for me... all! I made him miserable... I have many regrets! Kaya sisisihin ko ang sarili ko dahil kasalanan ko lahat! Kasalanan ko! Kunsabagay, hindi mo kasi alam, eh!"

He bit his lower lip, and I saw that something was holding him back from bursting. "I said what he said. Even that you're crying now, I know that if he's alive, he'll be the one who will be hurt-"

"Pa'no?!" napasigaw na ako nang mas lalong ipanamukha niya sa akin na iyon na lang dapat ang isipin ko. Wala na si Gino, paano niya nasasabi na iyon ang dapat kong gawin? Paano niya binabalewala na hindi iyon ganoon kadali! Si Gino ang nawala, at hindi ko na alam kung paano ko pa maaayos ang sarili ko! "You don't understand!"

Nang sabihin ko iyon ay mabilis na nagbago ang ekspresyon ng mukha niya, kanina ay nakikita ko pa ang pagkontrol niya sa sarili niya pero ngayon ay napalapit na siya sa akin na may nangingitngit na mga mata. Sinubukan naman siyang pigilan ni Kuya Sullivan at sinabihang umawat na pero agad siyang nagtaas ng kamay, saying that he could handle himself.

"Ggohn, stop." Hinawakan na ni Summer ang braso niya kaya agad naman siyang napayuko para huminga ng malalim. "You said it yourself. Kumalma na kayo..." baling ni Summer sa aming dalawa.

Hinigit naman ni Ggohn ang braso niya at muli akong tiningnan sa mga mata. Hindi ko masabi ang totoo niyang nararamdaman, hindi ko matukoy kung galit ba siya o nasasaktan, hindi ko alam kung saan sa dalawa, kung nasa gitna ba ito ng mga iyon o pareho.

"Hey! Ggohn!" pagtawag naman ni Dianne sa kaniya pero balewala na lang ito sa kaniya.

"Tandaan mo... na best friend ko si Gino. I lost him too! I lost my best friend! Siya na lang din ang mayro'n ako! And yes, I also damn want to blame you for everything you did to him... everything! Jaz and I saw how he suffered at the time you left him. I want to tell you a lot, but no, I won't do that because you saved him!" Nakita ko ang mabilis na pagtulo ng mga luha niya. "I-I don't know in what way... but that's what he told me! I knew that he was in the darkest void since he was a kid... but when I found that, I was saved too."

When I heard the great pain in his voice, doon na ako napayuko at umiyak.

"It's hard for me too, you're not alone. So don't think that you're the only one who's hurting here. We all are! We're also hurt by his loss so please think about it. You know Gino, he's a happy man I know, he will do everything so that you don't feel sad or for fuck's sake... shibal!" Narinig ko ang malim niyang paghugot ng hininga bago siya napayuko at humawak sa mga tuhod... malakas ang pag-iyak niya. Jaz immediately came over and caressed his back and I saw her looking up to stop the tears from falling. Noong makakuha ng lakas si Ggohn ay muli niya akong hinarap. "It's already hurting me so much to lose him... at mas masakit sa 'kin na makita na tayo lang ang nandito!"

"Ggohn..." umiiyak na pagtawag ni Summer, nilapitan niya si Ggohn at itinago niya ang kaniyang mukha sa likuran nito... tahimik siyang umiiyak doon.

"All he wants is for you to be happy. Gawin mo 'yon sa sarili mo... kahit 'yon na lang!"

Agad akong natauhan sa narinig ko... Ibinaling ko ang mga mata ko kay Kuya Sullivan, tahimik lang siyang nakatulala sa sahig. Dianne had her back turned to us but I could see the movement of her shoulders as her hand covered her mouth, hiding the sound of her crying.

Nang mapagmasdan ko silang lahat na humihikbi ay doon ko lang napagtanto... hindi lang ako ang nasasaktan... sila rin. Naging selfish ako, naging insensitive ako, hindi ko man lang nakita o naramdaman na hindi lang pala ako rito ang nawalan.

Ggohn was right. He never fails to brighten up the spirit in any situation. I never once noticed him losing his heart... I never saw him get discouraged. He always brings light, and now... it must be now, that I must circle it back because this is what he wanted for us.

Noong kumalma na kaming lahat ay sinamahan ako ni Bea na umupo. Sa sunod-sunod at walang hintong pag-iyak ko ay nakaramdam ako ng pagod. Hanggang sa nakatulog ako at nagising na lang noong marinig ko ang pagtawag ni Bea sa akin at maramdaman ang pagtapik niya.

Nalaman kong umalis si Kuya Sullivan, sumama siya kay Summer para alamin kung ano na ang lead ng kaso at para mas tutukan pa ang imbestigasyon. Naging lihim na kanang kamay siya ni Summer dahil matalino sa mga ganoong klase ng imbestigasyon si Kuya Sullivan.

Si Ggohn naman ay nakita kong nakaupo sa kabilang row, naka-krus ang mga braso sa ibabaw ng dibdib habang nakayuko ang ulo. Nakatulog na lang yata siya sa sobrang pagod at pag-iyak.

Napabaling naman ang atensyon ko noong makitang lumapit si Jaz sa 'kin, may dala siyang pagkain. Inabutan niya ako at tinanggap ko naman iyon. Pero lumipas ang ilang minuto ay nakatulala lang ako, hindi ko pa rin kayang kumain kahit isang subo man lang.

Noong halos mag-uumaga na ay doon ko mas lalong inisip kung bakit wala man lang ni isang tao ang dumarating. In those years he was alive, this was the final time that Gino would be seen, and I'm certain that he left a memorable mark on those around him... pero bakit ganito? Habang iniisip ko at nakikita na wala pa ring dumarating kahit kaibigan man lang niya ay nasasaktan ako para sa kaniya.

"Did they really forget him?" nanginginig ang boses ko nang itanong iyon sa kanilang dalawa, nagbabadya na naman ang mga luha ko. "Ang pamilya niya... ang Dad niya... nasa'n na sila?"

Hindi kaagad sila nakasagot sa tanong ko. Napayuko lang si Bea at nilalaro naman ni Jaz ang kamay niya.

"Sinabi sa 'kin ni, Ggohn..." pagpapanimulang sabi ni Bea. "Bukod sa inyong dalawa saka 'yong ate nila na si Kirsten, wala na siyang iba pang kaibigan. And no'ng mag-college na kayo, ikaw na lang daw talaga lagi niyang kasama. 'Yong mga kamag anak naman niya hindi ma-contact... 'yong iba nasa ibang bansa, wala ring response. 'Yong Dad niya..." Pagkuwento ni Bea at saglit siyang napahinto para huminga nang malalim. Her eyes squint. "Ang sama! Sabi ni, Ggohn, no'ng pinakilala ka ni Gino sa Dad niya, tutol siya sa inyo. Hindi lang tutol, kinamumuhian niya kayo. He even disowned him... buong pamilya niya gano'n."

"How could they be this so bad that they can't forgive him even after he's gone?" Jaz's voice trembled, she was just looking at the floor while she was playing with her fingers. "Wala na si Gino, 'di ba?"

"I can't even imagine why they're like that. Napakasama lang talaga siguro nila," Bea said with restraint.

Habang pinapakinggan ko ang sinabi ni Bea at habang nalalaman ko ang dahilan kung bakit wala man lang na kamag anak o kaibigan ang naririto... My heart ached so much and I felt like it was about to burst.

His own father disowned him... ang sarili niyang pamilya ay hindi na siya kinilala... iyon ba 'yong araw na nawawala si Ava at nakita ko siyang nakatayo lang sa gitna ng kalsada at habang dinadaanan siya ng mga tao ay takot na takot siya?

Kaya ba noong araw na pinakilala niya ako at nakita siyang duguan na lumabas ng bahay ay dahil ang Dad niya ang may gawa noon? Is that why he pleaded and begged me to save him because he was in so much pain?

He gave me a lot of clues and signs that he needed me at that time... pero hindi ko man lang napansin iyon, hindi ko man lang inalam... Wala akong nagawa!

"Pero nakita ko 'yong Dad niya sa TV. It was located here. It was live, so it means he's just around Manila, right?" Jaz asked.

Bea nodded. "Hmm, we actually went to their house, I and Summer. Ginawa na rin lahat ni Ggohn, pero wala ding nangyari. He can't focus on doing that since he's already helping with the investigation. I'm sorry Yshawn, ngayon ko lang nasabi... I don't have the guts to tell..." paghingi kaagad ng sorry ni Bea sa akin. Napakagat naman ako ng pang-ibabang labi at tumango na lang, saying that it's just fine kahit para sa akin ay gusto kong sinabi niya iyon kaagad sa akin, gusto kong mapuntahan ang Dad niya! "It's not hard to locate since Cashmere's Mom told me. His Mom also lives there and my car has access to the village..."

"Anong nangyari?" Napalapit na si Jaz kay Bea, gustong malaman ang nangyari sa pagpunta nila doon. Kahit ako na walang gana ay tumindig ang atensyon para lang marinig ang pinag-uusapan nila.

"He didn't show up!" Bea's tears fell quickly and she wiped them with all her anger. "Hindi siya nagpakita pero sa media kung makangiti wagas! Parang hindi nawalan ng anak!"

"What's his address?" tanong ko kay Bea. Sabay naman silang napatingin sa akin. Nagkatinginan pa sila bago ako muling binalingan. Tiningnan ko siya nang maiigi, pero hindi siya makasagot. "His address, Bea?"

"A-Anong gagawin mo-"

"Bea?" I cut her off and completely faced her. Jaz, on the other hand, didn't know how to react, she just looked at the other way.

I know they have a clue of what I'm going to do, but I know that they can't let me down.

"I-I wrote that on the paper. Wait, I put it in my wallet." She started looking for the paper in her wallet, and I noticed Jaz washing her face, probably speculating about what I was going to do next. "But Yshawn, you don't have to do this alone... just.. if you feel safe to do it just let us know, sasamahan ka namin."

Bea was just talking, habang ako naman ay napatungo na ang atensyon sa coffin ni Gino at maiging pinagmasdan iyon. As soon as my eyes started to well up with tears, I seized the chance to get up and grab Bea's wallet.

They were both surprised when they saw me walk quickly and put the wallet on the seat after getting the car keys and the paper that contained the address. I heard them calling me, stopping me from what I was going to do.

Noong makasakay ako ng kotse ay agad kong pinaandar ang makina. Narating naman nina Bea ang pwesto ko at nagmamamakaawang hinahampas ang bintana nito, pinapababa ako.

Noong pinihit ko ang manibela para paatrasin ang kotse at nang mabilis kong pinaandar ito ay nakita ko sa side mirror na sumunod si Ggohn sa akin. Bea and Jaz did nothing but keep their mouths shut there, lubhang nag-aalala sa akin. Wala na akong ibang inisip pa bukod sa makarating ng mabilis sa bahay na iyon.

I don't care about the surroundings and if something happens to me, I don't mind it anymore... Ang Dad niya, gusto ko siyang makita at ipamukha sa kaniya kung gaano siya kasamang ama! Gino does not deserve this, he will never deserve this!

I almost went over the speed limit, but I don't care... all I want is to get to that fucking house right now! Noong marating ko ito ay mabilis kong inapakan ang break at dala-dala ko pa ang buong galit ko noong bumaba ako ng kotse at sinipat ang pwesto noong mga guard.

The door of this enormous gate is just barred, so I could still see the guards inside. Noong makita nila ako ay mabilis silang tumayo at binuksan ito, tinanong nila ako kung ano ang pakay ko pero hindi ko iyon sinagot.

"Nasa'n si Direk Sung-jin Park? Nasa'n 'yong gago niyong boss?!" I'm out of control. Everything I can think of to do and say, I don't think anymore when and where I'll say it... all I want is to fire them up with rage!

"Hindi po tumatanggap ng bisita ngayon si, Sir-"

"I'm not a guest! I'm his son's partner!" Pinamukha ko kung sino ako, kung ano ang papel ko sa buhay niya at wala akong pakialam kung ano man ang isipin nila. And if his Dad was just right in front of me now, I would have shouted that in his face.

Wala silang naisagot sa akin kaya naglakad na ako papasok sa loob, pero marahas nila akong hinarang at hinigit palabas.

"Hindi nga ho pwede, sir!" may awtoridad sa kaniyang boses nang sabihin iyon, kung papakiramdaman ang paghawak niya sa braso ko ay halos mapilayan na ako sa sobrang diin at higpit nito.

Noong mailabas nila ako ay halos mapaluhod na ako sa sahig nang padarag nila akong binitawan. When they treated me like that, the loads of anger I felt flared up. I want to go inside, I want to see his dad, and I want to scream at him about how evil he is!

"Kakausapin ko 'yon!" naipit ko ang mga labi ko habang marahang naglalakad palapit sa kanila. Hindi ko mapigilan ang magalit habang nakikita silang nakaharang sa akin. "Gusto ko siyang makausap!"

"Napag-utusan lang ho kami," sabi noong isa.

Hindi ko sila pinakinggan at sinubukan pa rin na makapasok sa loob. Even though I was struggling because of their strong and tight grip and that they were dragging me with a great deal of force only so I couldn't pass through, ininda ko na ang mga iyon para lang maka-alpas.

"Padaanin niyo 'ko!" sigaw ko. I could hear in my voice how much I was struggling, how pained I was thinking about Gino's situation right now. He doesn't have a family who would stay and be there for him in his final days.

"Bawal ho talaga, sir! H'wag kayong mag-eskandalo rito..."

"Shit!" I shouted when I felt them twisting my arm towards my back.

"Papasukin niyo!" When I heard Ggohn's voice approaching, they instantly let go of me, and when he got close to us, he collared the guard who was twisting my arm.

"Sir Ggohn," maamong sabi noong isa.

"He's with me!" mariing sabi ni Ggohn at padarag na binitawan ang kuwelyo noong guard. "And don't you two try to stop us!"

"Sir Ggohn, mawawalan ho kami ng trabaho..."

"Edi mabuti!" hindi na napigilang isigaw iyon ni Ggohn. "Nagpapaalipin kayo sa demonyong 'yon! Gino is gone... wala man lang 'yang konsensya para dalawin ang burol ng anak niya!"

"Sung-jin Park... Lumabas ka diyan!" I took the opportunity to go inside while Ggohn was confronting the guards... I could hear him throwing some insults, but it was a fact about their boss! I shouted that name and hurried towards the house. "Sung-jin Park!"

Maya-maya pa ay nakita kong bumukas ang malaking pinto at iniluwa nito ang mga katulong at iba pang tauhan sa loob. Napansin kong nasa tabi ko na rin si Ggohn at isinisigaw rin ang pangalan noong Dad ni Gino.

"Yaya Mel!" sabay kaming napahinto noong humarang ang mga ito sa amin at ang taong kaharap namin ngayon ay 'yong Yaya ni Gino... I remember her. "Si, Uncle? This is the second time I came here... and maybe... Maybe he can let go of his anger now and go see Gino, right? Yaya Mel?"

"Wala si, Sir, dito kaya umalis na kayo..."

"Wala?" hindi makapaniwalang sabi ko. "Sabi niya sa 'kin na hindi siya tumatanggap ng bisita!" Dinuro ko iyong guard na nagsabi sa akin noon. I was mad... I was so mad dahil sa ganitong sitwasyon pa niya nagawang magsinungaling sa akin! "H'wag niyo na siyang itago na parang batang duwag! Sung-jin Park!"

Nakita kong bumukas ang ilaw sa isang kwarto... wala mang lumabas na tao ngunit alam kong siya iyon! He was just observing us! Lumakad ulit ako at isinigaw ang pangalang 'yon. Ggohn and I are both doing that now, struggling just to get through and get into the house.

"Uncle!" Ggohn shouted, his tone was beseeching. "Si Gino!"

"Umalis na kayo... Hindi kayo pwede rito." The old lady gave us a firm command but we didn't budge. "Susan, tumawag ka ng police!"

That is, until I heard that... my ears pricked up quickly before I came to a halt to thrash around and get rid of people blocking us. I pulled back and looked at the old lady straight in her eyes.

"Police?" I asked in disbelief. Sarkastiko pa akong natawa. "P-Pa'no niyo po... nagagawa 'yan? Hindi niyo po ba alam na wala na si Gino? Wala na siya, at 'yon... 'yong amo niyo... kaya niyang balewalain 'yon ng gano'n-gano'n lang! Hindi niyo pa rin ba naiintindihan? Anak niya 'yon, e!" sigaw ko.

Her stance is refined and clean... maintaining her chin up, indicating that she is the one who should be heeded the most and that she is in command. Despite those, she is unable to look at me.

"Palabasin niyo," utos niya sa mga tauhan at guard. "Bilisan niyo!"

Pareho nila kaming hinila ni Ggohn palabas.

"Yaya Mel?!" While I was still attempting to get in and shouting the name of their shameful boss, Ggohn was begging for sympathy.

"Pasensya na Ggohn, pero katulong lang ako... Wala akong magagawa para sa inyo..." Napahinto ako at ibinaling ang atensyon sa taong nagsalita... at nakita ko ang nagbabadyang luha sa mga mata ni Yaya Mel.

"No... you can! You can do something... Nakikinig siya sa 'yo... Please go tell him all this, Yaya Mel!" pagmamakaawang saad ni Ggohn.

I saw how she firmly shut her eyes and how she suppressed the true feelings inside her. I knew she would never forget Gino... I knew she was hurting.

"Pakibilisan!" she strongly ordered those who were pulling us out.

Agad ko namang kinuha ang wallet sa bulsa ko at ipinakita sa kaniya ang litrato na matagal nang na kay Gino. "Ikaw ang kumuha nito..." Ibinaligtad ko ang litrato para ipakita sa kaniya ang nakasulat sa likod nito, it was saying 'Captured by Yaya Mel'. "Matagal nang nasa kaniya 'to... umiyak siya sa 'kin no'n! H'wag niyong kakalimutan na bata lang din siya... nangungulila sa mga magulang. Kailangang-kailangan niya rin ng pagmamahal ninyo!"

I cried so hard... I sobbed a much. I tried everything to get them to listen to me, but nothing worked. They didn't even think that it was very important. That's why we are here, begging, dahil tungkol ito sa kaniya... tungkol lahat ito kay Gino. Ngunit tinapon lang nila 'yon nang gano'n-gano'n lang.

I thought that when you're gone, only then will you be loved by many people. So even if it's just a show, his relatives and his father would still come... Even if it's just hypocrisy, what matters is that I can see, at least, that he's not alone. I was so desperate.

"Yaya Mel!" Gino shouted as he slammed the gate door.

I sat on the floor, and I was just sobbing uncontrollably while Ggohn was still yelling. Until he just kicked the steel door, giving up. He came closer to me and I just felt him caressing my shoulder, consoling me.

I can't understand how much he despises Gino, he's not only sore, it's more. After all, it's his own son who's gone, hindi niya na dapat pang isipin kung ano man ang nagawa niya. As a father, he should be ready to forgive... he should be willing to. He doesn't actually have the opportunity now... he would have done it even if it had simply been this, visiting him.

But what is the exact sin he committed? Wala naman na dapat pang ipagpatawad sa kaniya. I never saw Gino as a disappointment. He didn't even make a big mess with his Dad for him to be disappointed... at para maging ganoon kalaki ang galit niya. But perhaps, he was just so heartless.

Sa sobrang walang gana na ng katawan ko ay tinulungan pa ako ni Ggohn na makatayo. Pumasok ako sa kotse, at noong pag-alis niya para puntahan ang kotse niya ay hindi ko na naman mapigilang umiyak. Huminga ako nang mamalim... pinuno ang sarili ng hangin para makahanap ng lakas... ginawa ko iyon ng dalawang beses... pero masakit pa rin.

I wiped my tears but they still kept flowing. Ginagawa ko iyon habang sinusubukang paandarin ang makina ng sasakyan. Nang mapaandar ito ay napayuko pa ako at doon muling tumangis.

I took another deep breath before facing the front. Pinaarangkada ko na ang sasakyan, at papalayo na sana ako nang may biglang humarang sa daraanan ko. Kumakaway siya, sinusubukan akong pahintuin. I immediately stepped on the brake and turned off the engine when I saw who that person was.

Bumaba ako ng kotse at maging si Ggohn ay napababa na rin. My tears poured quickly when I saw her crying, her eyes seemed to be talking while she was looking at us.

"Sasama ako," nangangatal ang boses na sabi ni Yaya Mel. Naikagat ko na ang kamao ko noong muli ko na namang maramdaman ang matinding pag-iyak. Lumapit siya sa amin, habang matulin ang paglandas ng mga luha ay nanginginig ang mga labi niya. "Sorry... sorry dahil nagsinungaling ako sa inyo. Sorry sa mga nagawa ko..." Mabilis ang pag-iling niya. "Pero pakiusap, isama niyo 'ko... si, Gino... ang, Gino, 'ko..."

Agad na akong humakbang palapit at yinakap si Yaya Mel. She then cried loudly on my shoulder, and she said sorry many times.

From her grave crying, I know she was truly sorry and sincerely asking for forgiveness. And this is all I needed to hear for Gino.

Pagkabitaw ko sa yakap ay napalingon ako kay Ggohn noong tinawag niya 'ko. He was still in tears nang tipid siyang ngumiti at hinilig ang ulo para ituro ito sa isang direksyon.

Pagkalingon ko roon ay nakita ko ang mga maid at tauhan na nakatayo sa tabi habang nakatingin sa akin.

"Sasama ho kami..." dalawa sa kanila ay sabay na ibinigkas iyon. I covered my eyes with my hand and began crying all over again.

It still pains me, but when I witnessed what was happening now... for at least, I was able to smile... through tears.

*****