Pagmulat ko ng mga mata ay napasunod ako ng tingin kay Prince na naghuhurumintadong hinawi ang mga gamit sa kusina. I grabbed his arm to calm him down, but he pulled it forcefully, causing me to back away.

"What?!" He yelled deafeningly. He then pointed furiously in my face. "You... what the fuck are you doing?!"

"You don't have to do that, Prince!"

He saw us, and the party was put into trouble as he was able to beat up Gino even in front of them... in front of Jaz.

They even tried to stop him, but things went from bad to worse when he yelled and hit Kuya Sullivan. Everyone became alarmed when Prince lost control, resulting in chaos.

"You... don't have to do that! You're supposed to!" I could see the veins in his neck when he shouted. "If I didn't see both of you what else would you do, huh? Leaving and having sex with your fucking ex again?!"

"I won't do that..." I shook my head. "No!"

He immediately went silent as he stared intently at me as if he were reading something in my face.

For a little while, he suddenly pulled out his hair before moving toward the sink. He sobbed silently while holding onto the counter. And in that way, it gave us a moment to think.

Why does nothing seem to change in the decisions I make? I chose to answer Prince to be his boyfriend because I knew that everything would be fine, that we would untie those knots.

That way, he won't think anything bad of me again because I already gave him a promise and an answer. Desidido na ako sa desisyon ko at may tiwala ako pero... nagkamali na naman ako. 

Hindi pala sa ganoong paraan maaayos ang lahat. I lied again about my feelings. I'm so indecisive when it comes to choosing right from wrong. It was wrong that I chose to answer him, and the right thing was to listen to my true feelings!

"I'll kill him..." Napasunod ako ng tingin noong nagmamadali siyang naglakad palabas ng kusina. I saw that he had a knife in his hand, so I rushed out and pushed him to stop. He flashed me a scorching stare. "Get out of my way... I swear, Yshawn! I will kill that idiot!"

I could see he was serious at this point, so I pushed myself to hug him... I then asked for forgiveness. I apologized to him several times, but no matter how many times I did it, it's not that easy to fix everything.

So then these past few days... there isn't a day that goes by that I don't do what he orders, even when it's something hugely important, like taking calls from anyone and seeing them. Even not seeing Jaz and Bea, I still followed him. I did it just to convince him that my apologies were honest.

I don't really want to settle for this... but I chose it. Even if I made the wrong decision, I can't do anything but accept the consequences. I put up with fake smiles, fake laughs, and faking things in front of him just to get everything right.

Total, doon ko naman talaga inumpisahan ang lahat. I got a taste of care from Prince, and I enjoyed it. I was attached, and I didn't know how to leave, so when I even felt Gino's presence again, I just stayed on that... as a result, I lay uncertain who else I could fall back on...

But I know the option would always be Prince, even though that's not really what I want to choose.

"Take care," saad ko sabay abot sa kaniya ng lunchbox.

He was about to go to work, and this was all I could think of to do... to serve him. I follow all his conditions even though it's not fair. But what do I really know about fairness? I never got that in the first place.

"Can you make another one of these?" he asked, and I looked at him questioningly. "I just have someone to give."

Napakurap-kurap ako sa sinabi niya at tumango na lang. I thought about what he said and bit my lower lip before selecting the words to answer him.

"It would take long-"

"It's fine, I can wait." Ngumiti siya at nilagpasan ako at naglakad paupo roon sa table. Nilabas lang niya ang phone niya at masayang nagtitipa roon.

I remained still on the floor until he commanded me to do what he asked. I cooked and prepared everything before handing it over to him. He just said goodbye and headed out, and I sat on the sofa, exhausted.

Gaya noong mga nakaraang araw, kinukuwestiyon ko na naman ang sarili ko. Ganoon lang ang ginawa ko hanggang sa napamulat na lang ako ng mga mata at itinapon ang tingin doon sa bintana.

I didn't do anything all day, but I don't know why I still felt so tired. Sa sobrang bigat ng katawan ko ay halos hindi ko na ito maigalaw. Ang nagagawa ko na lang ay ang pagmasdan ang paghampas ng ulan sa bintana.

Maya-maya pa ay hindi na ulan ang tumatama sa bintana, hindi iyon bato dahil hindi naman ito nabasag. Doon na ako napakilos. I stood up to look at it.

Hinawi ko nang bahagya ang kurtina at nakita kong bunga iyon ng puno na nasa tabi ng gate, bunga ng gmelina. Nang tingnan ko ang puno, bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko noong makita ang taong nasa labas. He was helplessly staring at me, drenched from the rain.

I clenched the curtain in my hand before biting my lip and exiting the room. I quickly snatched the umbrella from the rack. When I came out, I noticed his bruised face and blood on his arm. I looked behind him, and there I found his broken motorbike lying on the corner of the road.

My heart broke at that moment, but I chose not to show it to him. "Anong ginagawa mo rito?" I asked coldly.

Marahan siyang naglakad palapit sa akin, iika-ika pa. I was suddenly softened by what I saw. "I'm going to win you back. I..."

"Shut up!" I quickly shut him off. I looked him in the eyes. "It's... not... funny."

"I love you," he weakly said as his lips trembled.

I avoided his gaze. I once more stared at his motorbike. Pagkatapos ay napatingin ako sa braso niya, dumudugo pa rin ito. Noong hindi ko na makayanan na makita ang hitsura niya na ganoon ay napatingin na lang ako sa sahig.

I mockingly smirked before throwing him a stern look. "Love? We're not high schoolers anymore for such a thing. Kung ano man ang naging desisyon natin, let's just keep it that way. Can we?"

The blood still flowed on his arm at the same time as the rain fell. Awang-awa na ako sa kalagayan niya, at nasasaktan ako lalo na't alam ko na may magagawa ako pero... hindi puwede.

If I showed him even a little bit of mercy, he would have full faith in me. I don't want him to take things wrong again... I don't want to make things wrong again.

"I'll ask you once again... are you happy?" Nangungusap ang mga mata niya.

I couldn't speak right away. But I should manage to keep my gaze fixed on his. I should try to compose myself. I shouldn't be carried in by his question.

"Yes," I said after a long pause. I smirked. "But even if I'm not, do you think I'll be happy when I'm with you?"

I could tell he was emotional by the look on his face. My words hurt him.

"I can tell whether you're happy or sad... w-whether you're hurt or not..." His confused eyes were centered intently on mine. "Sumang-ayon ka sa tanong ko. Pero bakit... hindi ko nakikita 'yon sa mga mata mo?"

"What makes you think I'm not? And judging that from my eyes? It doesn't even speak!" I'm impressed with myself, I'm so fucking impressed... even though I'm in pain, I can still think of a reason! "I'm happy, and that's my sentiment... not yours!"

"Yshawn!" I hoofed back when he shouted. He stared at me for a long time, then I saw him bend his head down and sob loudly, an exact reason for pressing against the back of my chest. "Please stop doing this... Please... I'm... I'm tired. I'm so, so... tired."

In a split second, tears escaped from my eyes. I was able to lie, and I was able to live with the pain until I became numb to it. I used to a lot, but that was then. I'm just a human being, I'm so... fucking... tired too. I don't want to lie to myself anymore. Honestly, I'm so lonely... I'm not happy.

"And if I asked you..." He stopped and slowly raised his head to look at me. He looked directly at my eyes as if he were reading anything and everything from them. "Do you wanna die with me? Do you?"

He took one step forward and held his stare on me for a long moment before nodding without hesitation. "I do," he answered.

Napadayo ang tingin ko sa sahig at pumikit nang mariin. I sniffed, then nodded and looked him in the eyes... I have no other wish but to see them at this moment.

Isinara ko ang payong at binitawan iyon. Naglakad ako palapit sa kaniya at yinakap siya nang mahigpit.

"Thank you," I whispered from his arms.

Habang wala si Prince sa bahay, abala ako sa pag-aasikaso ng mga dadalhin ko. Sinabi ko kay Gino kung saan kami magkikita. I didn't say when, but I assured him that I would tell him.

And today is that day. Matagal ko nang alam, that Prince was planning to propose to me. He wants to marry me. I heard him talking on the phone the other night; he was already planning everything, including the day he would surprise me.

And today is also that day.

Hininto ko muna saglit ang pag-e-empake ko at pakunwaring tumutulong sa paglipat ng mga gamit. He has already planned to move out to a house that is in my favor, at bukas na bukas ay lilipat na kami roon.

But that won't happen anymore, it's only him who will move out, not with me. 

For a long time, I wanted to end my life... but someone stopped me. He stopped me to show that it was not too late and that I could still do everything to strive and stay.

He showed me how important and interesting it is to live, and he made me feel that even if I were alone, I would never feel that because I had a word from him that I was holding on to. That he won't leave me.

I was happy because I learned new things, and sad because I realized that life is beautiful, but I couldn't experience it without him. When we were just young, he promised me that no matter what happened, we would die together... happy.

I have told him many plans before, about how I wanted to die with him. Falling into a building is fine with him, poisoning ourselves is also fine with him, or even running and being hit by a train. Even violently and painfully, that's fine with him.

He said that no matter what way we do it, the important thing is that we will die together. Ngayon, may plano na ako sa kung ano ang gusto kong paraan mamatay kasama siya... So I tapped his number and texted him that I would meet him at the meeting place right away.

And I know, I'm sure that the world will not cry for our loss since they were not happy for us in the first place while we were alive. When we are gone, the world might be happy, and so will we. 

That's the only thing I know that's fair.

[May napili ka na?] Noong palabas na sana ako ng kwarto, biglang tumawag sa akin si Bea, kaya napahinto ako at inilapag ang mga dala para sagutin ang tawag niya.

Ang tinutukoy niya ay iyong mga damit na ibinili ni Prince para sa akin. Sinabihan niya ako na iyon ang suotin ko ngayong gabi at hindi ko inaasahan na alam ni Bea ang tungkol sa bagay na iyon.

"He said I'd wear my best clothes tonight, right?" tanong ko.

[Oo! Nausot mo na ba?!] Bea said as she sounded even more excited than I, but I didn't feel even the slightest bit of excitement as her.

Naglakad ako at hinarap ang mataas na salamin. Pinagmasdan ko ang sarili ko at ang suot kong hoodie ni Gino. Ito iyong jacket na sinaklob niya sa akin noong gabing sinundan niya ako sa labas ng pub.

"Which one?" I asked lifelessly.

['Yong pinadala ni, Prince! Kami ang pumili no'n para sa kaniya! Baka hindi mo sinuot 'yon, ha?!]

My eyes welled up with tears as I looked at my own reflection. Narinig ko ang mga hiyawan ng nasa kabilang linya, magkakasama na sila ngayon at narinig ko rin ang masayang boses ni Jaz. Hindi ako masaya, Bea. Gusto kong sabihin iyon sa inyo ni Jaz.

I took a deep breath. "Can I make my own choice?"

[Ha?]

"This is the best for me. I like it." I managed to smile even though she couldn't see it. "Can you be happy with my own choice?"

[Oo naman!] She chuckled a bit. [Wear anything you want, Yshawn!]

"Thank you, Bea."

[See you!] Jaz shouted, and everyone laughed happily when they heard it.

"See you," I whispered.

Binaba ko na ang tawag at muling pinagmasdan ang sariling repleksyon sa salamin bago naglakad para kuhanin ang mga gamit at umalis.

Tahimik akong naglalakad patungo sa tagpuan. Saglit naman akong napahinto noong maramdaman ko ang pag-vibrate ng phone ko. Agad kong tiningnan ang notification nito ngunit agaran ko lang ding naibulsa noong makitang mensahe lang iyon ni Kuya Sullivan.

Nang marating ko ang waiting shed ay hindi ko siya nakita roon. Nauna ako sa kaniya. Umupo ako para hintayin siya, ngunit halos minuto na ang lumipas ay hindi pa rin siya dumarating.

I stood up and looked around, hoping to see him. Kahit mensahe o reply man lang ay wala akong natanggap. Muli akong umupo at yinakap ang dala kong bag.

Hindi na ako mapakali at halos lahat ng espasyo nitong upuan at waiting shed ay naupuan at nalakaran ko na.

He's not going to abandon me here... he'll show up... I'm sure he will. He will keep his promise. Nangako siya sa akin kanina bago ako umalis.

I opened my eyes when I felt the vibration of my phone. My heart beat fast, and I was twice as nervous sa inaasahang mensahe niya.

Nang mabasa ko ito, nagkamali man ako sa hinala ko na makakatanggap ako ng mensahe na hindi siya makakapunta... but the fact that he's still not here scares me.

Prince left me a message, and I can hardly count the number of his missed calls. Pati na rin sina Jaz at Bea ay nag-aalala na sa akin.

Napaiyak na lang ako noong makita ko ang oras, maghahatinggabi na. Napakuyom ako ng kamao bago humugot ng malalim na hininga at kinumbinsi ang sarili na hintayin ko pa siya.

Pero noong makita kong may paunti-unti nang tao sa paligid at mga sasakyan, I just broke down crying. "Ang duwag mo!" I shouted at the top of my lungs.

My mind was completely in a mess, and I didn't know what to do until I caught myself sitting on the floor and pulling out my hair, wailing. Sumabay sa pagluha ng mga mata ko ang pagbuhos ng malakas na ulan.

I sobbed loudly while burying my face in my arms. Garalgal kong tinipa ang numero niya at ilang ulit siyang tinawagan. Nagri-ring lang at hindi niya sinasagot!

"Hindi... huwag mong gawin 'to sa 'kin, Gino! Hindi..." I shook my head violently and endlessly dialed his number. After a while, I stopped. I quickly put the phone to my ear as my lips were still shaking. "G-Gino... nasa'n ka na ba, ha? Darating ka naman, 'di ba? Please..."

He took a long time to respond, and all I could hear was his sobbing. Because of that, an idea has formed in my head. I shook my head several times, trying to keep myself from bursting and not to deem my hunches.

[I'm sorry,] he said weakly.

And that's when I broke down in tears even harder after hearing his words.

Tinapat ko ang phone sa bibig ko. "Gago ka, Gino! Ang duwag mo! Naniwala ako sa 'yo! Nagtiwala ako! Ang sama mo! Napakasama mo!" I cried and hung up.

I stood up and furiously took off the hoodie. Kinuyom ko iyon at malakas na ibinato sa sahig. Sumigaw ako nang sumigaw habang inaapakan ito. I poured out all my anger there. Noong mawalan na ako ng lakas ay doon lang ako huminto at tahimik na umiiyak habang nakaupo sa isang tabi.

I didn't expect that until the end, he would betray me!

Mabilis na dumating sina Jaz at Bea pagkatapos ko silang tawagan. Gusto sana nilang iuwi na ako, pero nagpumilit ako na pupuntahan ko pa rin si Prince dahil sinabi nila na naghihintay pa rin siya sa akin.

At hindi nga ako nagkamali, noong makarating ako, agad siyang napatayo at nabuhayan nang makita ako. Mabilis akong naglakad at yinakap siya. Nagtataka siya kung bakit ako umiiyak sa balikat niya, nag-aalalang hinaplos niya ang tuktok ng ulo ko.

"Tell me you love me, Prince..."

I felt his nods. "Yes, Yshawn. I love you."

I'm afraid to be alone. Never again do I want to be alone. I made a choice that I am certain I won't regret. Fighting for something was wrong, and I shouldn't fight for it because... if it's for me, there's no need to try and force it.

Ngayon na si Prince na mismo ang gumagawa noon para sa akin, wala na dapat akong idahilan pa para pigilan iyon. He chased me even though I pushed him away many times; still, he chased me... he didn't run away.

"Babe, I need you here! Could you check if my arrangements are fine?!" Prince shouted in the room.

We didn't waste time taking care of things here in the new house we moved to. After his proposal ay nag-ayos na kaagad kami. Nariyan naman sina Bea at Jaz, pati na rin si Ate Carra para tulungan din kami sa pag-arrange ng mga gamit.

Prince was rushing me na puntahan siya roon, so I put the glass down on the table in a panic. Pero hindi ko inaasahan na malilingat ako. Natabig ko iyon, dahilan para mahulog at mabasag. Dali-dali namang lumapit si Bea sa akin para kumustahin ako.

"Ayos lang ako. Huwag kayong lumapit, baka mabubog kayo." Sinunod naman kaagad ni Bea ang sinabi ko. She kept her distance from me.

"Wait. Kukuha lang ako ng walis saka dust pan." Dali-dali siyang naglakad para kumuha ng walis, pero pareho naming nasipat si Jaz sa dadaanan niya. "Jaz! Nakakagulat ka naman..."

Takip-takip ng palad niya ang kaniyang bibig habang naroon lang sa phone nakatuon ang mga mata niya. Putlang-putla siya at noong mapansin iyon ni Bea ay nag-aalalang hinawakan na siya nito sa balikat. As soon as Bea touched her, Jaz suddenly let out a loud cry.

"Si Gino!" Dumirekta ang mga mata ni Jaz sa akin. Inagaw ni Bea ang hawak niyang phone, and there she wept in disbelief as she saw what Jaz was viewing on the phone, she cried in shock, at doon na rin ako nanlamig nang makita iyon.

"Yshawn!" Tila naghahanap ng kalinga na pagtawag sa akin ni Bea.

Dumating si Prince, nag-aalalang nilapitan niya ako. He held my hand and asked if I was perfectly fine, pero tila nanuyot ang lalamunan ko para sagutin siya. Hindi ko na rin maigalaw ang katawan ko.

Noong tumayo ako, hindi ko mapigilang itulak siya. Nagulat siya sa ginawa ko at maski ako ay hindi rin inaasahan na magagawa ko iyon... I feel too much emotion, causing me to lose my sanity. Sunod-sunod ang paghinga ko habang naririnig ang pag-iyak nina Bea at Jaz.

Nanghihina ang mga tuhod ko noong naglakad ako at hindi ko pa namalayan ang bubog sa sahig. Naapakan ko iyon at lahat sila ay napasigaw sa nakitang dugo sa sahig.

They immediately approached me to help me up after I stumbled, but I struggled and stood up on my own and pushed them.

"What are you doing?!" Prince yelled at me while Bea and Jaz sobbed behind him.

When I faced Prince, tears streamed down my cheeks in waves. I locked my gaze on his enraged eyes for a long time. "H-Helping him. I'm... I-I'm going to save him," I shakily said.

"What? Who are you going to save? You're the one who needs help here!" He gestured to my bloodied feet.

I bent my head down and cried loudly. "Ah! I-I don't need help..."

I didn't waste any more time and ran out the door. Nagawa pa akong pigilan ni Prince, pero malakas na hinawi ko lang ang kamay niya. Umiiyak ako habang nakapaang tumatakbo para puntahan ang lugar kung nasaan si Gino.

Some people throw their eyes at me, and they even hold their mouths in shock when they see my feet. I know it's bleeding, but I can't feel anything anymore; I'm numb to death.

I kept running and running... kahit hindi alam ang pupuntahan. The only thing on my mind was to see and reach the place where Gino was. Hanggang sa hindi ko namalayan ang paparating na kotse at nabundol ako nito.

Everything became blurry, I suddenly went deaf, and I could only hear those unclear voices while seeing people looking at me. Nagpa-panic sila habang nakatingin sa akin.

I wanted to get up and run to find him, but I couldn't... and the only thing I could do was to lie down helplessly and watch the sky and curse the gods as evilly as I would go to hell.

I pursed my lips and firmly shut my eyes. "Gino..." bulong ko at saka ko pinuwersa ang katawan ko.

Pagkatayo ko ay nakaramdam ako ng kirot sa buong katawan kung kaya ay tarantang nilapitan ako ng mga tao para alalayan. They tried to help me. Kinakausap nila ako, pero hindi ko sila maintindihan.

"Naku, Diyos ko po! Dumudugo 'yong ulo mo, hijo!"

"No... Hindi, hindi..." I said while removing their hands from me. I was shaking my head and begging them to let me go. "Hindi, kailangan ko siyang makita. P-Please... let me... Please, Gino... D-Don't... Don't die... Please, don't die! Gino..." I screamed loudly, at sinundan ko pa iyon ng isa, at nang kasunod pa.

I screamed as loud as I could, hoping that he could hear me.

*****