Happy Mahashivratri ✨

-• tangled bonds •-

"You need something?" Dad questions when I string along with him after dinner.

I nod. "Your attention."

Hearing me, my brothers stop too. I glance around, wondering what brought them to a standstill. I'm just demanding some time from my father. I know the hectic people in his profession go through. I've seen my mother struggling to tackle her responsibilities towards me and her work at the same time, often disappointing me and herself because she could rarely make time for me. And now she's not here. People take away the hope of 'next time' when they leave forever. I don't want to feel like an orphan when I've a parent. It sucks that being a child, it's you teaching them how to be a parent, but I'm willing to make do with what I get, and demand something when I need it. Right now, I need his attention.

Dad stands frozen in his place, his gaze softening as it meets mine. "My atte-attention?" He whispers, his voice thick, weighed down, as though the words I uttered and he repeated were heavy on his tongue.

I hum. "You've been busy with work lately. I didn't even get to meet you when I came to see Vivaan Bhai at the hospital."

His lips lift into a smile, eyes filling with guilt. "I didn't think you'd realise," he shakes his head, before raising his arm and beckoning me closer. I walk up to him, holding his hand that automatically goes around my back, pulling me to his chest as he engulfs me in a bear hug. "Should we go to my room?" He tilts his head down, looking at me with fond eyes.

I beam, "Let's watch a movie!"

He chuckles, hiding the tremor in his tone. "Yes, let's watch a movie." And he steers me off to his room.

I throw a glance over my shoulder, at my brothers watching us with varied expressions on their faces before I look back ahead. Yuvraaj was poker-faced, holding on a composed look that revealed nothing. Vivaan Bhai had this gentle smile playing on his lips. What struck me was the look on my remaining brothers. The middle ones appeared forlorn and the twins, slightly envious. I know it's hard for them to just walk up and demand like I did. But I'm confident Dad would never turn me down.

It's strange, how I believe in him more than them, when they've been with him for two decades and I, only for a few months. I think that's what's fascinating about new relationships. There's freedom in it, a space to breath, demand, complain and express yourself openly. Old relationships are like books on the higher shelves, read once, twice, thrice, then shifted to make place for new ones, forgotten, with dust settling on the spines, their once dazzling covers now faded brown.

"Were you missing me, little star?" Dad coos as we walk into his room.

I look up at him in disapproval. "What's my age?"

"My little star turned seventeen this month," he strokes my chin with a smile on his face.

"Then why do you treat me like a kid?" I complain.

"Because you're a kid," he still talks in that childish voice one uses for their pet or newborn. For some strange reason, I love it. It makes me feel like I can flop down on the floor to cry and he'd still do his best to pacify me rather than asking me to grow up.

"I'm not. I'm a big girl." I square my shoulders proudly.

"Oh, are you?" He teases.

"Yes!"

"I'll agree if you give me a hi-five," then he raises his hand all the way above his head, making my jaw drop.

"Dad!"

"C'mon, give me a hi-five!" He encourages.

I try to reach his hand but fail to even touch his wrist. His chest vibrates from a surpassed laugh as he watches me hop and jump like a monkey. "That's not fair! You've the height advantage!" I grumble and step back a few feet, running up to him and jumping to reach his hand. He tricks me right at the end by rising on his tip toes. "You're cheating!" I accuse.

"No. I call that last minute strategy." He counters.

I take in a deep breath and go back to my initial position, running upto him and then acting like I suddenly sprained my ankle. "Ouch!" I hold my knee to my chest, massaging my feet as I fake a look of pain. Dad gasps and brings his hand down, gently cradling my foot in it.

"What's wrong? Are you in lot of pain? Did you break a bone-"

I smirk, "Dad," he looks up, innocently clueless when I drop my leg and grab his wrist to give him the much awaited hi-five. "I win."

"That's cheating!" He steps back, his eyes narrowed down on me.

"No. I call that last minute strategy." I shrug haughtily, throwing his words right back at him before turning on the television.

He shakes his head, but can't help the smile that blooms on his face.

I shortlist Tangled, Moana, Enchanted and Toy story in his watch list, then ask for his opinion. "Tangled," he decides.

"Good choice." I praise him. "Now we need to set up our camp," I state, keeping the remote on the set-top box.

"Camp?" He raises a brow.

"Yup," I confirm. "Gather all the pillows and bedsheets from the closet and see how I work my magic." I tell him excitedly. He nods, bringing the mentioned stuff to me as I get to work by shifting around the furniture so the middle of the room is free of space. Then with his help, we pull the sofa bed in the center and open it to turn it into a bed. I throw on the bedsheet and tuck it in all corners before tossing the hoard of blankets and pillows on top of it. "We need some fairy lights!" I know I'm being too much, but honestly, fairy lights put on the best mood when you want to watch a Disney movie.

"Fairy lights?"

"It's okay if you don't have them," I shake my head in assurance.

"We do but I don't know where they are stored. Yuvraaj might know." He thrusts his thumb over his shoulder, referring to the study next to his room.

"Should I ask him?" I point at myself hesitantly.

"Should I?" He offers half-heartedly.

I nod.

He relents with a smile. "Okay, I'll go and ask him. But what about food? Are we not having something to snack on while watching a movie?"

"Of course we are!" I say confidently. "I'll go and get some popcorn, coke and all that stuff."

We leave the room together and go opposite ways. I find the middle ones in the living room. Yuvaan and Ayush indulge each other in a game of chess while the other two play video games.

"Are you guys not sleeping?" I ask casually as I walk past them, not expecting any response.

"Where are you going?" Ayush lifts his head from the chess board.

"Making some movie snacks," I rub my hands together, waving him off with a broad grin on my face. He smiles back, but it appears forced. Then some moments later, I notice him loitering at the kitchen threshold like an abandoned puppy. It costs me so much of inner control to hold back the amused smile.

"Do you need something, Prince Ayush?" The maid asks him politely.

"Wa-Water," he murmurs.

"Ayush, try this," I take a popcorn to him. He opens his mouth as I feed him. "How is it?"

"Hmm, good." He smiles.

I turn back to toss the popcorn so the flavours mix together well.

"That looks a lot for two people," he says softly, thanking the maid who hands him the glass of water.

"I know right," I click my tongue. "I don't like it when food goes to waste," I sigh regrettably.

"But the popcorn taste good," he nods.

"You like them?" I look over my shoulder.

"Yeah, they are tasty." He compliments.

"Hey, wanna join us?" I offer immediately.

"Joi-Join you?"

"Yeah, help me finish this off," I chuckle referring to the popcorn. "It's better to have an extra mouth than let this all go to waste." I shrug.

He hesitates for a moment.

"C'mon, it'll be fun!"

He scratches his nape, nibbling on his lower lip thoughtfully.

"For me?" I pout at him. "I need someone to make GenZ jokes with." I add as a plausible reason.

He chortles. "Okay,"

"Really!?"

He shrugs helplessly. "I mean, you're insisting so much. I don't want to go down in your rank list."

"Ah, smart." I click my fingers and point at him.

We leave the kitchen together. On our way, Yuvaan stops him, the game of chess pending on the board.

"She invited me to watch a movie with her. And the popcorn taste good." He justifies.

"What movie?" Arush turns his head over his shoulder, looking at me from past the headrest of the couch.

"Tangled,"

"So like you," Agastya scrunches his nose.

"What's wrong with tangled?" I place my hand on my right hip.

"It's too girly," he fakes a shudder.

"Oh, so you don't watch girly movies because you think they reduce your masculinity?" I take a jab at him.

He tosses the controller aside and looks up at me with hard eyes. "Excuse me?"

"I mean, I can watch a movie of any genre, horror, action, thriller and still feel safe within my feminity. But I understand, masculinity is slightly fragile. We don't wanna poke it." I feign a pitiful tone.

"I'm confident in my sexuality." He growls.

"No, you are not, considering how a Disney movie can threaten it so easily."

"Let's go watch it," he gets up and fixes his pulled up joggers. "C'mon Arush," he beckons the other boy.

"Me too?" Arush looks baffled.

"Yeah, you too." He grabs the younger with his collar and drags him in the direction of dad's room, throwing me a nasty glare as he walks off.

"Ayush, please take the bowl of popcorn with you. I forgot to get the coke." I give him the bowl. He nods and walks away, ignoring the look of disappointment on his favourite brother's face.

I bring the pack of coke from the kitchen and return to the living room only to find Yuvaan making his way upstairs. "This is your chance," I say aloud. He halts abruptly, but doesn't look back or even shows any interest in what I've to say. Yet, his reluctance to move ahead is enough of motivation for me to continue, "This is your chance to try the change, Bhai." I add softly, sighing in defeat when he walks away.

I head to the room and watch the troublemakers argue with my favourite twin over how to put on the fairy lights. "Will you shut up?" Agastya snorts.

Ayush looks crestfallen, having no one to back his idea.

Dad stands in the corner, watching the scene unfold with such tenderness, as though if he moved an inch, it'll all end up being nothing but a dream.

"What are you guys doing!?" I set down the coke and storm up to them. "We don't put fairy lights behind the television, duffer," I take them from Arush. "It'll keep us distracted and ruin the watching experience. We put them behind us, so it adds to the vibe. You guys are morons. You know nothing about this stuff. Have you ever been to sleepovers?" I scoff and demand dad's help in putting on the fairy lights.

"Not to girls' sleepovers. Though, that'd have been more exciting." Agastya admits.

"Ew, you pig," I groan while a laugh slips from Dad's mouth. "Go and bring more tape from my room. My key is beside the remote." I command him. He sighs but thankfully obliges.

"We need someone with height," I say as I struggle to tape the fairy light on the other end. "Ayush, please go and bring Vivaan Bhai."

He blinks at me, then nods and exits the room. He returns with Vivaan Bhai in less than two minutes. I let go of the wire and step away, allowing him to do the task. Agastya enters the room soon after and hands me the tape. We stick the fairy lights to the walls with the help of it.

"Are you sleepy?" I ask Vivaan as he turns to leave.

"No," he replies sounding confused.

"Then stay," I offer.

"Uhm," he eyes strays to where our father stand before coming back to me. "I don't think-"

"Please, don't leave me alone with these morons. Ayush and I feel outnumbered." I jutt my lower lip out, hoping my puppy face convinces him.

"It's two against two," Arush deadpans.

"Shut up," I snap back. "Please," my tone turns persuasive.

Vivaan sighs softly, accepting defeat and giving into my demand. "Yay, c'mon now!" I drag the men to the sofa bed. Agastya and I argue for minute over seating arrangements before grabbing two bean bags and adding them on the sides so the space is sufficient for all of us. Then I turn off the main lights, switch on the fairy ones and hop in the middle of the boys, between Vivaan Bhai and Dad with the big bowl of snacks before pressing play on the screen.

I've a habit of pointing out my favourite scenes or watching the first timer's reaction to them so when I turn to Dad for the same, I find him looking at my brothers instead of the screen. I follow his eyes and smile upon seeing everyone invested in the movie, watching every scene with interest.

"I don't think the movie is that sad," I wipe off the stray tear that rolls down his right eye. He smiles sheepishly, looking down at me with warm, slightly wrinkled eyes, a poignant reminder of his aging life. I sigh and snuggle into him more, my head resting on his chest. "I'm sorry I couldn't get the other two," I lament softly.

He hugs me tightly, like he's afraid I'll be tore off his arms if he loosens them. "This is enough, little star. This is more than enough. I didn't even know this was possible." He presses soft kisses on top of my head.

Everything is possible, Dad. All you had to do was try.

"Damnit, he cut off her hair!"

We all startle, glancing at each other in disbelief because it was Agastya shouting those words at the television.

"It was for her sake," Ayush pacifies him.

"I know but her hair was so nice," Agastya grunts.

"Oh, someone's pretty feminine when it comes to Disney movies," I tease with a playful lilt in my tone.

"Shut up, short stuff." He growls out, not even looking at me because the movie is more important. It makes everyone in the room laugh hard.

When the movie ends, almost all of us seem reluctant to go back to our rooms. So taking the advantage of that, I offer another movie and they shrug. I put on Moana next and settle back into the comfort of my father's arms.

I don't even realise when I fall asleep, but I feel myself sink into bed from a pair of a pliant, strong arms. When I stir, a hand comes to rest on my head and stroke my hair gently. "Sleep, my love," Vivaan hushes me, his lips pressing on my forehead for a faint kiss. My lashes flutter open and I clutch onto his fleecy sweatshirt, nuzzling my face into his chest because the bed feels cold. He stays with me until I slip back into deep slumber.

The next day, after the usual morning run, Agastya drives us to school. I didn't expect to see Atharva right at the school entrance but when our eyes meet, Agastya immediately wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me on his other side. I glance over my shoulder, guilt digging deeper at the look of longing on his face.

"Look ahead, Taranya," Agastya commands.

I swallow the pain and turn away. Even though I admitted to liking someone else, it still hurts that I lost a friend because I dragged him into this without being sure of my feelings.

During lunch, I send him a message to meet me in the library. I didn't have to wait long. He comes to the second floor as I had expected, a hopeful expression on his face that makes me feel like an asshole of a person.

"I like someone else." I blurt out, and he stops abruptly. The gold in his eyes dulling, as if someone stole their shine. "I'm sorry, Atharva. I felt bad that you still have hope. I know I hurt you -"

He turns away and leaves.

God, I'm such a bitch.

"Atharva," I rush behind him, wiping the tears that fall from my eyes. He descends the stairs hastily and I chase him, grabbing his arm so he can stop and give me a chance to explain myself. "I know I've hurt you. And I had no right to do that. I'm so sorry, Atharva. Besides, we were never possible. My family would have never approved of us. Isn't it better that we broke it off before it can hurt-"

"Bullshit," he grits out, his voice strained as he snatches his arm from my hold and touches his throat. It must have hurt him. "Selfish! You gave me hope when you weren't sure about us. I can't believe I fell for you." He sighs shakily, tears filling up his eyes as his brows furrow in pain.

"Don't force yourself to speak because of me," I shake my head desperately.

He rolls his eyes, as though my words disgust him. "I hope the one you like," he looks down at me, "never likes you back." He glares. "And if he does, together shall forever remain a fantasy for you both." He clenches his jaw. "I hate you, Taranya." Then he turns and walks off, not even glancing back in my direction.

How is my fate with boys so bad? First Sam, then Tarun and now Atharva.

I fail to concentrate in my lectures for the rest of the school. Even during the extra classes, Mr. Qureshi has to reprimand me several times to pay attention to what he's teaching. But I'm unable to as Atharva's words keep coming back to me, like a broken record that's unfixable, and keeps repeating the same words over and over again. I know he said that in a feat of anger, and I hope he didn't mean that. But they sow a seed of fear in my mind. The fear of uncertainty, the fear of impossible.

What does it feel like to never have your feelings reciprocated?

I don't know.

But I'm afraid I might find out an answer to that pretty soon.

I've made a mistake of liking a person who's as uncertain as a storm, there's no way a road to find the end of it will be easy either.

I let go of a troubled sigh.

The next day at school, Anagha storms up to me after morning assembly.

"How dare you lie to me and then pretend to be a victim!?" She snarls out vehemently.

I look around the class in alarm, my cheeks heating up as I find everyone's eyes on us, including Shourya's. "What's wrong?" I get up from my seat.

She grabs my hand and drags me out of the class, taking us to a corner where no one can hear us. Then confronts me, "You broke up with my brother and then acted like he was the one to break up with you!?" She says with a grimace. "You're so disgusting!"

"Anagha, I didn't lie-"

"Don't even try." She glares at me. "You broke up with him because you like someone else? Wow, you're such a two timer." She spits out, flinching me in shock. "I can't believe I thought my brother is capable of hurting someone. But considering how you are, he should have."

My eyes tear up at her words. "I'm sorry,"

"Keep your apology to yourself. I'd rather be friendless than have a snake like you by side. I don't even know what he liked in you. You're just a typical blue eyed fat British girl." Her eyes run down my figure in a judgemental manner. "Princess of Jaigarh my foot. You're not even a good human being." She walks past me with a hard shove on my shoulder.

I stumble back because of the impact. Too shaken up to act like everything is fine, I dash inside the restroom and hide myself in an empty stall.

I don't want to believe her words, but today, I truly feel like the worst human being alive.

Ah, the teen life, birthplace of insecurities.

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