Ariana's POV

I feel numb, but I'm used to it so I'm past the point of caring where it came from or how long it would last. This state of floating through life, existing but not living.

I can't help but miss the moments I hadn't felt like this. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to remember the times I'd felt genuinely happy. My first date with Gage. The first time Kay held me and told me she loved me. The day Nate took me to the cinema and sang along to Disney music. When I let myself be held by Mateo, just for the sake of it.

I'm staring soundlessly out of the window, watching the scenery change from wheat fields to pine clad roadsides, little droplets condensing down the window as the temperature keeps dropping. Despite the Seth's and Skylar's offers to ride with them and the rest, I declined. They'd all sounded more pitying than genuine. As if they were doing me a favour.

"Ari? Are you still awake back there?" Caroline asked, and I realised that her and Iusti's chatter had died down, both of them expecting me to say something.

I rolled my eyes "No, I'm sound asleep, I'm sleep talking,"

She let out a harsh puff of air, an exasperated sigh she seemed to reserve solely for me "I asked you if you'd mind if we changed the music to something more rock,"

"No, why would I?" I listened to her swipe through a few songs, give up, and type something. A familiar song starting blaring on the radio, but I couldn't quite pinpoint it.

"Is it Guns n' Roses?"

I received a grunt from Iusti, "Paradise City" he said, humming along softly

Despite myself, I smiled. Kay would have been proud of me for guessing that one.

I itched to text her, ask how she's doing, ask her to just help me, because I miss her and realised I can't do this without her. And then I remembered how I watched her step into Gage's car and how she's been cosying up to Nate lately, and think better of it. I felt my anger rise up again and fought to keep it at bay. God help her if she dares to warn me off Nate ever again.

How well do you really know Nate? Those words kept running through my head, and I knew the answer she was aiming for; not well enough. I know his favourite colour is violet, he hates thunderstorms, and loves the cold.

In short, I don't know a whole lot about him. But I wasn't dumb. I knew there was a chance for him to suddenly just turn into a sociopath and murder everyone I care about, but the chances seemed impossibly slim. His golden retriever Biscuit is too much of a sweetheart to have a sociopath as a master, so I think we're good. After all, if she really thought he was derailed, then why the hell was she being so friendly with him all of a sudden?

But that didn't stop me from doing a discrete sweep of the apartment two nights ago when I slept over, looking for anything suspicious. I spent almost an hour rifling through drawers like a crazy woman before realising I was becoming paranoid and I should go back to sleep before Nate woke up and asked questions I had no answers to.

My phone vibrated against my leg, and I snapped my head down so quickly I gave myself whiplash. But it wasn't Kaylah, because of course it couldn't have been. Instead, Vee had texted checking up on me.

After that first day of school, I'd felt so alone and lost I did something I would never normally do; I texted the almost stranger that had saved my life that day at the stadium. Who knew having had an abusive ex is such a good start for building a friendship?

Of course, Kay was right, again. Talking to someone who'd gone through something similar helped me come to terms with what happened.

"We're here-" I didn't wait to hear the rest of the sentence before I rushed out of the car and took a gulp of air, the taste of rain and pine thick on my tongue as I dialled Vee's number. We were on some kind of hill, and I could see the town sprawling out in front of me, arching over hills and slumping down into meadows, undulating like a languid wave.

She picked up on the second ring "Hey, what do you need?" I've formed a bit of a habit of calling her whenever I needed a distraction.

"Just keep my mind busy?" from the corner of my eye, I could see Caro and Iusti watching me like a pair of concerned parents making sure their child wasn't going to accidentally throw themselves off a cliff or something.

"Well, I went out for coffee with Si today. All those A.A. meetings have really been helping out, and he actually asked about Mike today" she kept droning on about her day, and how well Simon was recuperating. I only felt half as bad as I should've for tuning out.

It's still weird to hear her talk about her abusive ex-boyfriend so freely. Her and Simon had been together for close to two years when he'd snapped and come for her with a knife at one of their friend's parties after he'd had too much to drink.

It's true that the knife had been plastic and he didn't even come close enough to touch her before some of her other friends restrained him and told him to cool off, but it made her realise how bad it had gotten. So she filed for a restraining order, and didn't look back until three months ago when he'd contacted her again to "make amends". Since then, they've kept in touch and seemed to be getting along surprisingly well.

I felt a pang of jealousy and wondered if me and Gage could ever get on talking terms again. If maybe that was why Kaylah had gone with him.

"-And then he told me about this guy who almost ran his five-year-old over while trying to drive drunk and swore off drinking since and has been sober for 3 years"

"Uh huh" she could tell I had spaced out, and fortunately gave me an out by saying she had somewhere to be and she should probably get ready.

I hung up, overtaken by a sudden wave of melancholy; they were my entire world for a while. Kay and Gage. My best friend and my boyfriend. My only friend. It ached to think about it. It ached to think she'd pick Gage over me, after thick and thin, after I'd shared my entire life and everything I ever cared about with her.

I suddenly felt the urge to scream, to just open snapchat and just text her and ask her why. Why throw this away for one asshole? What have I done wrong?

Instead I opened snapchat and texted something I've had right on the tip of my tongue for a while now; Why? What have I ever done to you?

Of course, I started regretting it the moment I sent it, so as quickly as I could, I deleted it. Just as soon as I had, she came online, pondered the absence of the message for a second, and then let the matter go. I hadn't realised I was holding my breath until I saw the text that followed: Goodluck on Tuesday.

Right. Because I hadn't been capable enough to score the grades the first time around, and for some reason I'd thought I would be now. I looked down at the people milling around, going around with their simple lives, unaware and unperturbed by the fact that I felt like my whole world was slipping away from my control. Unaware of how betrayed, and angry, and desperate I felt; and how suddenly lonely I had become.

I was itching for a good fight with Kaylah. At least she'd be able to tell how much I'm hurting, even if I'm not entirely convinced she'd care anymore. I've never been able to read her as well as she reads me. And now, I'm scared to even try.

"Did you even care at all?" I murmured it, but I wasn't sure who I was really addressing. Mateo, who'd ditched me for a girl more willing to flash him then I was, my best friend who seems to be shacking up with my ex, or my ex for throwing everything I'd ever done for him right in my face.

I felt a warm, big hand on my shoulder, and was going to turn around and shoot him a look, expecting it to be Iustin asking me to move further away from the edge of the cliff. But Iusti's hands were never sweaty, and I could feel my shirt soaking up the moisture already. I stood still for a couple seconds, and Matteo's grip tightened, urging me to turn around. I did, and as I looked up at him, I could see the concern and regret reflected on his face. It only made me want to punch him more.

"Ari, I-" he stopped mid-sentence as if realising he wasn't supposed to say what he actually wanted to, but quickly recovered

"Everyone's inside, come along," he moved a few paces behind, picking up luggage, and extending me his other hand. Despite knowing fully well that once we stepped inside he'd act like a stranger again, despite knowing I was about to face a crowd of people who were quickly turning from my closest friends to a bunch of hateful strangers, and despite his sweaty hands, I grabbed his hand, and let him pull me closer to him.

My lips for a tight line, arching upwards in the slightest, and to the untrained eye it might look like I were frowning. Kaylah would've always known it was actually the hint of a smile.

But as soon as I slipped in and conversation faltered, followed by a chorus of meek Hi's and What's up's , my face quickly slipped back to its default; blank and cold.

xxxx

"Oh c'mon, don't be a party popper! Stay a bit longeeerrr?" Skylar was whining, clutching onto my arm for dear life, pretending to care if I left or not. Thinking back, I don't know how I've never seen it for the act it is. I looked at the arm she was clutching then up at her, giving her a pointed look. She let go of my arm but kept her mask of cool sympathy in place. I looked past her, watching Seth, Malik and Anna drooling over the new Instagram post Zariah had made.

It has been going well and conversation had been flowing while we half-heartedly played a game of cards. Before I heard Seth's phone go off, and him shouting for everyone to gather around, because Zariah had just decided to post something, with the caption referencing the trip and how upset she was she couldn't come. That was followed by a wave of reassurances from everyone, especially Seth and Anna, who seemed to have found a new personal guru.

I wonder if Kaylah had dated him out of pity, or if her taste in men was really that screwed. After watching them pass the phone around for a full 15 minutes, acting as if I had suddenly stopped existing, I decided to call it quits.

"No, I think I'm fine, thanks" Matteo was sitting in one of the armchairs, legs folded under him and staring right at me with an undecipherable look on his face. I didn't miss the warning look Skylar gave him, and how his eyes dropped away a second later. Nobody bothered to wish me good night, and Seth's obscenely loud laugh followed me all the way to the first floor.

I took my time going up the stairs, talking myself out of knocking on Caro and Iusti's door. Come over when you're done downstairs. I really don't think they meant it for more than seeming polite.

I went to the room where I'd dropped my luggage, and curled up in bed without bothering to change, and picked up my phone. I wasn't really surprised to find a notification from Nate; he'd said he would check on me and I had forgotten to text him when I got here.

I kept picking at my cuticles as I read his texts, another habit I'd picked up from Kaylah sometime in the last four years.

Me: I'm sorry I forgot to text.

When I didn't get an answer, checked the time. 8:23 pm. Definitely not asleep yet. Almost three minutes later, I got a response.

Nate: Don't worry about it baby. How are you getting along with everyone?

It felt like fourth grade over again, when I had a hard time making friends since I had moved schools and I didn't know anyone but most of my classmates already had some kind of clique. I didn't really have an answer for the question then, and I don't now either.

Me: It's alright. It's fucking freezing here though.

I wasn't sure it was, or if I was just perpetually cold all the time lately, but I was glad to change the subject.

He said nothing for about a minute, and I was afraid he'd pry further than I was willing to share. Instead, his text made me feel warm and fuzzy in a way I hadn't in a while.

Nate: want me to come over and warm you up?

Me: haha, very funny.

I tried for nonchalant, although I felt giddy at the feeble possibility.

Nate: of course not. Give me two hours at most

I reread the text. Then was about to type something else when my phone blinked again.

Nate: try not to fall asleep ;)

Without thinking about it too much, I called him. He answered before I could even think about what I was going to say "You know it's illegal to drive and talk on the phone right? Not to mention dangerous," his voice was light, and it felt good to hear him talk "You're really coming?"

I was aware how desperate I sounded, but I didn't care. "Of course baby, why else would I even say that if I wasn't planning on coming? That would be just cruel,"

That was probably the point where I should've told him to hurry the hell up and hung up, but I couldn't yet. "Tell me something about yourself Or a story. Or anything really" I sighed and added, "I don't want to sit in silence right now,"

Like Vero, he didn't pry and just gave me exactly what I asked for. He talked, mostly about his family and some childhood best friend of his, and I left a weird longing for Kaylah's incessant questioning, which I normally despised. Because it felt like someone really cared.

I shook myself slightly, because I was being stupid and much too dramatic. It must be the gin and tonic I've been drinking for the past few hours doing the thinking. Out of spite, I texted Kaylah, telling her that Nate was coming over. I got no answer.

xxxx

It didn't take two hours. As soon as I got the text, I rushed downstairs, not caring how all eyes were fixed on me as I dashed past and opened the door. Nate always smelled of pine car freshener, which I never thought I'd be so happy to smell until I met him. I let him fold me in his arms, and I felt happy. It felt like coming home.

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Hii guys! It's a bit of a long one, because I felt like we needed to bring Ari back into focus a little bit. I really hope I did her feelings justice here. Thanks  for reading! :)