Title: Forbidden Princess

Author: Scintillio16

Genre/s: General Fiction, ChickLit, New Adult, Romance

Number of Chapters: 60

Mature?: No

POV: Multiple - 1st and 3rd person POV

Status: Ongoing

FORBIDDEN PRINCESS

[in the author's own words]

She was born with silver spoon but her childhood was not like any other rich kids. Even her life is not the normal life. Many hurdles came in her life but she never give up.

Priya is a 19 year old and was an orphan.

"Was" 🤔🤔

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She was at one time was a sweet, chubby, innocent, credulous or gullible, but now becomes rude, arrogant, cold-hearted, fastidious.

෴෴෴෴෴෴෴෴෴෴෴

This is the story of our Priya 🧐 this is not her real name.

Her real name is Adhyaa Oberoi

Daughter of, one the famous businessman, Aditya Oberoi.

Sister of, billionaire, bachelor and CEO of Oberoi Industries, Adwet Oberoi.

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So, join the journey of Miss Adhyaa Oberoi. To know how her life takes many twist and turns and how she overcomes every situation she faced.

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B O O K  R E V I E W

[Before we begin, please keep in mind that everything mentioned below is my personal opinion. My intention isn't to offend anyone; the only reason I am going into such detail is to be able to help my fellow writers out there. I do not claim to be correct; just sharing my opinion from my experience here on Wattpad. The following review is based off of the first 5 chapters only.]

AND

TITLE + FIRST IMPRESSION: This story's title is short (readable on every device) and simple. Instantly sparks curiosity but if your objective is to gain more readers or make people check out your story, a unique title is what would pull them and make them click. Though some stories have this title on Wattpad, they aren't many in number so the title is unique enough. However, I felt like your title and blurbs don't communicate the same idea.

One, is she a billionaire / businesswoman or a princess? Your blurb suggests she's born into a rich family but it becomes a bit easy to assume this is a royalty-themed story based on the word "Princess". Also, the word "Forbidden" suggests it's a story with a lost princess who has come back to claim the throne? Maybe it's just me but it gave those fantasy genre kind of vibes solely from the title. So if your objective is to draw more eyes to this story + target the right kind og audience (the one that wants to read romance; not fantasy), you might want to try changing the title and see if it works better.

[please note that while typing this reaction, I know literally nothing else about this story because I'm trying to stay true to a first time reader's experience so I haven't started reading the story while typing this. Maybe this confusion will get sorted ahead in the chapters itself.]

COVER + FIRST IMPRESSION: The cover definitely gives romantic vibes so it expresses the genres of the story clearly. The tagline / subtitle mentioned there give more meaning to your story title as well. That she was someone else's forbidden princess but she is his queen. Made me wonder if there's some arranged marriage drama involved here. Though the title and username are clearly communicated on the cover, the image (in my opinion) is pretty common and slightly overused. You may want to change it (as an experiment for a while) and see if the change brings in some new readers - just for an idea of what pulls most audience to your story. 

♡♡♡.5

BLURB: Apart from the cover and title, the blurb plays a major role in determining whether or not someone clicks on your story to check it out. I really suggest adding all the extra info about your story AFTER the blurb / synopsis of the story ends. Reason being, when you view a story on the phone / website though an author's profile, only the first few words of the blurb show up on that screen. So starting with your "story related content" right away helps hook readers more than having extra info show up there first. The way it is currently, new readers will click to read the whole blurb only if your title and cover are very, very impactful.

Coming to the blurb, there are a few grammatical, punctuation and tense errors there. A simple run through MS Word, Grammarly or Google Docs can help solve most of them. These errors, though small, can sometimes become a deciding factor for readers regarding whether or not they continue reading the story ahead.

The blurb is kind of spaced out but it doesn't seem like as much of a problem here in my opinion. In your first / second sentence itself, "life" is repeated thrice so it becomes very repetitive somehow. A little re-wording is required here overall. Deviating from normal blurbs and how they are supposed to work, I really like the use of emojis in this one as they perfectly draw attention to your plot twists / hooks.

P.S. You don't have to change anything but if you wish to, you can always experiment with new styles of blurbs to see what kind attract readers most.

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CHARACTERS: While what makes someone click on a story is a cover / title / blurb, what makes them stay is your plot and especially your characters. Their relatability, the whole vibe they give off and how well the characterization is done plays a huge role in a story. After all, it is easy to forget a story's title or maybe even plot but some characters stay with you even after you've finished reading the story.

- I like how realistic Adhyaa / Priya's chaarcter is. She is troubled and her possibly traumatic past makes her want to be independent (read ahead and figured out why she was traumatised). The undertones of her seeking revenge and wanting to take justice in her own hands is also well expressed in terms of her anger (which is why she jogs daily too as a method of coping, I guess). Also, it is very on point for her character to have trust issues so that scene with her parents meeting her for the first time was very well played out - super realistic and on character for her.

- Adwet is introduced so sweetly - instantly likeable character and we feel sad for what he went though. (He is a telepathic DNA test report too since all he needed was one look to recognise his sister xD). I like how his friend Abhimanyu tried to console him during that one particular scene. Deepens their bonding. Adwet's possessiveness and deeply rooted patriarchy really shows when he said "I even let her make a boyfriend" because why would he think his sister (who doesn't even know him technically) needs his permission to live her life by her choices? And why was he judging Riddhi for not having any friends? His rich privilege is really, really showing. Slowly but surely. It was cute of him to ask his sister to find a bride for him but calling himself "most important bachelor" was kind of narcissistic of him. If that was the point you were trying to make, well done.

- I really like how understanding and thoughtful their father is. It was so sweet and kind of him to warn his son like that when they were going to meet her for the first time. Genuinely melted my heart.

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AND

[combining these 2 points for better presentation]

Judging from the 5 chapters I have read...

PACE & DESCRIPTIONS - If there was just one thing I would suggest to change about / work on this story, it would definitely be this. There was a lot of tell (Telling is when the author summarizes or uses exposition to simply tell the reader what is happening) instead of show  (showing is about using description and action to help the reader experience the story.)

I also feel like the overall word choices could be better (and don't worry, this will definitely get better with more practice so keep going <3).

If possible, I suggest sticking to one POV to avoid confusion (as there are three POV switches in a single part - from 1st to 3rd) so it may hamper the flow a bit. Also, whatever you have included as Adhyaa's POV can easily fit in 3rd person (and will honestly suit better that way) in my opinion. Just consider this once but feel free to follow whichever style suits you best.

GRAMMAR & WRITING - I am not here to edit and pinpoint small mistakes (a simple run though MS Word or Grammarly can do that) so I'll be saying this from a reader's perspective - the kind that don't intentionally try to hunt for mistakes. Overall, I felt like were many grammatical / punctuation errors but as said above, all you need is a quick run through MS Word, Grammarly, Google Docs or similar software to solve them.

I suggest that whenever you're writing in hindi, please write full words there as this looks more like texting language instead of a novel style narration. Eg. saza mil gyi h can be written as saza mil gayi hai, p.a. needs to be P.A. in my opinion. Small details like these can change the whole reading experience.

PRESENTATION & READING AESTHETIC - The dialogues needn't be in bold as it is not necessary + kind of negatively impacts the reading-wise aesthetic of the story. Dialogues can be written normally and the translations can be in italics for better presentation.

Please don't use the P and I short forms in the phone conversation dialogue. Using their full names is better and more convenient to readers.

I really like how you attached pictures to try and show us what their house is like. It could replace descriptions if you're into "storytelling" (aka creating a drama / experience in the reader's mind) for this book but if you want it to be a proper novel (the kind that we read in bookstores - to explain it in short), it can't be used in place of descriptions (and as mentioned above, physical descriptions become necessary in this case). Also, since you've used a song there, you'll need to mention the song credits to avoid copyright problems (as per my understanding).

Other than that, the paragraphs are sized properly - neither too small, nor too big and the overall aesthetic of the story on the screen is perfectly adequate. I personally feel the small chapters work for this story. Feels like a very ideal length.

Wishing you good luck for this story *_*

♡♡♡.7

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