Narrator's pov

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As humans, we tend to react a certain way to questions were uncomfortable with or things we avoid, especially confrontation

The second we hear the question, the panic fills our veins and issues a deep push to our heart as if the blood had stopped pumping for a second so that our brains could register a decision in those few milli seconds

A decision on whether we lie, spin the topic to another direction or give in and answer that question

Our feet taps against the floor without even realizing it. We tap our fingers against a flat surface or we look away, knowing our eyes told the truth our lips couldn't say

So when Autumn glanced away from the brunette in front of her, Kate knew she was uncomfortable with the topic and questioned

A few seconds had passed since Kate had asked the question about her ex bestfriend but Autumn hadn't responded as yet. Perhaps her brain was fighting an internal battle of whether she could give in and speak or if she should change the topic. But deep down, the raven hair girl knew she had to talk about it sooner or later

We can't avoid our problems for the rest of our life. We can't push it to the back of our minds and expect to forget about it. Because the fact is, when we push those problems away, it changes us without us even realizing it

We smile less, our energy becomes drained as days or months go by. Sometimes we might not see these changes quickly but after a certain amount of time, it sneaks up on us.

Especially when we're alone with our thoughts, that's when it's the most dangerous.

Autumn's fingers tapped against the table surface even faster and her feet dusted the area below her toes with her rapid stomps. Her eyes avoiding the coffee brown orbs that seemed to control her everytime she was near

Panic shot through Kate's body as she quickly reached her hand out and placed it on top of Autumn's tapping fingers. The raven hair girl immediately stopped all movements and glanced at their hands on top of each other before bringing her eyes to Kate's

"Hey it's okay. You don't have to say anything, we can just talk about something else" Kate stated as a small smile rose to her lips

Normally Autumn would be pissed off at the smile of someone. Sometimes she had no idea why people smiled, the world is a cruel place and cared not for the people unless they were apart of the one percent

But when this girl smiled, her heart leaped in her chest and pounded like the rain of a storm on the side of a house. It was only then did her own smile came across her lips.

The brunette always had a way of making her melt in her socks or in this case heels. She felt safe in the company of a pushy, loud mouth petite girl that always got on her nerves. She felt safe.

"No. It's time I talked about it either way. Besides, you're supposed to know me more than anyone right?" Autumn mumbled

Kate bit her lip nervously before nodding and settling herself back into her chair, awaiting the story from the raven hair girl

"When I was fifteen, I met a girl. Her name's Brooke, I'm sure you've heard of her. Magazines kept taking pictures of us together but they all assumed we were bestfriends until a month ago when she had an interview and told everyone that we were together for years" Autumn said

"I had no idea she was your girlfriend" Kate mumbled

"She wanted to keep things private since her manager wanted her image to be a preppy pop singer for the teenage girls of the generation" Autumn rolled her eyes

"So they didn't want you two to be together?" Kate asked

"No. But we didn't care.. We were.. In love.. Well that's what I thought" Autumn mumbled, her fingers clasping together once again and her jaw tightened

"It's okay, take your time" Kate whispered, the raven hair girl nodded slowly

"Five years. I gave her five years of me. Every single thing I had to keep me alive, I gave it to her. She was that kind of girl you fall for in highschool and you're blinded by her looks so much that you completely ignore the fact that their personality is shit. But the fact that they returned those exact same feelings for you was enough to keep you going. Those red flags start to look green when they're the only person that gives you the time of day" Autumn mumbled

"Things changed a few years ago but my dumbass was never sober a day for those years to even care. But things with us started to get worse for the past few months when May stepped in as my agent. She forced me to take a step back in my life and open my eyes to what was really going on. And as much as I argued with her, I knew she was right" She said

"Right about what?" Kate asked

"That Brooke was toxic" Autumn said in a low voice

"Why.. Do you say that?"

"When someone makes you feel like shit when you accomplish something, you start to hurt inside. She never cared about my career, my life, my dreams. It's a constant dissapointment. It's like a child excited they drew a car for the first time and they brought it to their mother, only for her to shrug it off and continue watching TV. In all honesty, I have no idea what she truly wanted from me. Perhaps it was just sex for her. She's never said she loved me. She always took me to these weird parties with her friends and she kept handing me these cups of alcohol. And no matter how much I tried to push it away, she'll yell at me to drink it. I guess that's where it all started. But then again, it was my fault. She can yell at me to drink something all that she wants but I'm the one that still went ahead and drank. It's my fault"

"Autum-"

"I thought we were in love for those first two years where everything is all cute rainbows. I was blinded by my own puppy love and failed to realize she only wanted me for my body. I wanted her, I needed her. But she didn't" Autumn said before raising her eyes to Kate

"She was so horny that she pretended to be in love with me"

"What the fuck is wrong with her?!?" Kate hissed

"What isn't wrong with people?" Autumn asked

"What do you mean?"

"People. They tend to act on their own desires. Some of us care about the feelings of others and we forget about our own to make that person happy. But people like Brooke simply care for themselves. I'll never know why she used me all of those years, I'll never know why she wasted her time on me or made me follow her like a puppy but there's one thing I do know" Autumn said

"What's that?"

"I'll always love her" Autumn whispered

"Why?" Kate hissed

"Mm?" Autumn hummed

"Why would you still hold that person close to your heart after everything you've been through?" Kate asked

"Love is a complicated thing, especially when it's one sided. Frankly, it's one of the most painful thing you'll feel. Just imagine thinking about someone all day and night, worrying if they had anything to eat all day or if they're safe but them on the other hand is out with their friends drinking, smoking, getting high and making out with random people in a bathroom" Autumn said

"How did you not know this during those five years?" Kate asked

"We never texted. We were together for five years and we never texted. She would call me to come over and I did. We had sex and she'd leave her own house and came back the next day without even saying anything. Everything was right in front of me. Every single clue, it was all right in front of me. But no, I had to be a blind bitch and make up fucking excuses for her in my fucking head because I fucking loved that girl with everything Kate. I fucking loved her" Autumn hissed, slamming her fist against the table and startling a few customers

Eyes were piercing into the side of their skulls but both girls only focused on each other. Kate's fingers brushed against Autumn's hands from across the table as her eyes locked with the girl's

"I had a guy best friend. We met during one of our film classes when we were fourteen, I've known him longer than her. He was supposed to be that person that we keep close to our hearts, that person that slaps some sense into us when we fuck up. I cared about him more than myself. That's why I lost myself when I walked in on him and Brooke fucking each other's brains out in my room" Autumn spat

Kate's eyes widened in shock as her fingers went numb, slowly sliding away from the actress

"What?"

"Wanna hear the fucked up part? They both looked me in the eye and continued going" Autumn chuckled, Kate furrowed her brows

"You're fucking serious?"

"I am. This was a few months ago. Turns out they've been hooking up every single day, in my house when I'm not around or when I'm working. Such convenience for them" Autumn giggled before bringing her wine to her lips

"Autum-"

"No no. It's okay. I really don't want a lecture or pity right now. I already hate myself enough for being an idiot all of these years" Autumn mumbled

"Autumn I'm so sorr-"

"It's okay Kate. Just drop it" She mumbled again

"I can't drop it. Did you even listen to the story you just told me!?" Kate hissed

"Yes. And I'm living that story" Autumn laughed

"Oh for fuck sakes" Kate rolled her eyes

"You sound hot when you curse, do it again" Autumn smirked as she leaned across the table

The brunette raised a brow at the raven hair girl, observing her eyes. Pain was hidden behind that fake smile, it was just a small explanation for those icy blue eyes she would see everyday. Autumn had been hurt every single day of her life since she's been able to walk. She's been damaged and she kept burying it down, but failed to realize it came out when she yelled at people

"Autumn" Kate mumbled

"Yes?" the girl asked when she noticed Kate leaning across the table

"I admire you" Kate said, catching the girl off guard

"Huh?"

"I admire you"

"There's nothing to admire" Autumn mumbled

"Do you have any idea how strong you are?" Kate asked

"I can bench two hundre-"

"No you dumbass. I meant mentally" Kate giggled

"Meh, I try-"

"No. Stop that. Stop avoiding it Autumn" Kate said

"I just don't want to tal-"

"You never want to talk and that's the problem. You don't want to feel, you don't want to be in that position but you will. You will feel it all one day at once if you keep burying it Autumn and you know it" Kate spat

The raven hair girl went completely silent, her eyes avoiding the brunette once again. She knew it was true, she knew the girl was saying everything she had in her own thoughts

"There's pain in your voice, there's pain in your heart and pain in your eyes. You try to hide it with this cold exterior you keep putting up but your walls are falling Autumn. They're falling one by one and you're not ready for it. And I can't even start to describe how incredibly strong you are for even being here today. What she did was one of the most fucked up thing to ever be out here. You placed your heart out there and it got broken. But that doesn't mean you give up on it. She wasn't the one. God knows she wasn't the one, and that guy was a fucking cunt who needs to burn in a pit. Hell would be a luxury for him to be in. They're both fucking monsters and need to be tossed out into space with no oxygen. But you should never blame yourself for everything that happened. It wasn't your fault, you were in love and she took advantage of that. It doesn't make you weak to love someone, it doesn't make you weak to feel those emotions. So don't close yourself off Autumn. Don't give them the satisfaction of turning into the person they want you to be" Kate said

A pressure rested on Autumn's heart, burning each vein of her heart that was connected to her body. The blood had drained from them and flushed away when she listened to Kate

The brunette intertwined their fingers, the soft and warm feeling of their hands together caused butterflies to erupt in both of their stomachs, flying around their emotions like it was an open field

"You thought the only way to survive was to build a wall around yourself and not let anyone in. ever"

The feeling of Kate's thumb stroking her sensitive flesh of her palm made the butterflies swarm even more

"But I'm here Autumn. And I'm not them. I'm a friend you can talk to, vent if you need. I'm here to catch every tear that falls from your eyes and I'll hold you too. But you need to realize something for yourself" Kate said

"A-and what's th-that" Autumn's bottom lip quivered

"You need to be happy for yourself"