QUESTION:

What's your worst online shopping experience?

I could go to town on this one. But I think one purchase is the stand-out. I used to sell clothes on eBay for a time. Before landing here, before writing my memoir, back when words were sporadic and seldom; written in notepads and book jackets.

I know clothes well. I also know what sells. Don't ask how. I am a natural when it comes to persuasion and- being good with words, it too helps. I could pick up a dress in a thrift shop, give it an iron, pop it on a mannequin, write a description and... sell it for ten times what I paid. Sometimes twenty times, a hundred times. There'd be bidding wars. It was exciting, it was a thrilling game of "How much can I make you pay".

I was honest. I never sold anything I wouldn't wear myself, and never pretended something was other than what it was. I gave precise measurements and included enough pictures to eliminate wrong sizing and possible returns. I rocked eBay. I had a 'store'.

It grew too big of course and I simply had no time to process the dozens of sales daily in the end. It also became too much of a job, a chore. So I eased out. I sold out.

But not before I bought Dylan the infamous "Genuine Low-rise Skinny-leg Versace Jeans." It was the time when 'skinny' jeans were being unleashed to the world. Suddenly, tight, stove-pipe legs were in. No matter shape and size, all arses were pulled and pushed and prodded into them. Butt-cracks showed up everywhere you turned.

They'd cost me $100. A fair price, I'd thought for a genuine Versace item. No quarrel there. I paid, and waited. They arrived. You recently read (least I hope you did) the afterthoughts added to my question: "Do embarrassing moments exist?" Within it is the term "fat-arse", something Dylan coined as a result of that particular purchase and something I mouthed off, just a couple of days ago resulting in... yeah. (Go read if you haven't, it's all right at the bottom of the original piece.)

What arrived - almost a month later from the US - was a pair of genuine Versace jeans, sure. Only... they were neither low-rise nor skinny. Dyls took one look and shook his head.

"Not wearing them." Emphatic. Even back then, the kid had my nose for clothes.

I made him try them on anyway. The waist was high- at waist-level and at least two inches off in measurement, on the plus side. The legs were... loose-fit is an understatement. They were so loose in fact, when he turned, yep. "Fat-arse" was born. He looked comical in them; his slim lower torso "swimming". Of course Dylan being Dylan, he hoisted them up to almost chest height and paraded. I didn't find it as funny.

I tried communicating with the seller. She was rude. "You got what you paid for, exactly." When I pointed out the discrepancies between her description and what arrived- I was fobbed-off. Told to return them at my cost. Postage was from memory over $20- I'd already paid once for their delivery. Now I was supposed to pay out another $20 something for their return and given the time they took to arrive, the odds of seeing any money refunded any time soon were slim. I did the math.

Then I did what any other savvy seller would. I flipped them. The irony. They ended up back in the US, where someone left the comment "Loooove these, thank you so much!" And paid $25 more than I had.

Of course the original seller noticed. She got pissed, though I don't know why. eBay is a marketplace. Items get flipped all the time; I'd seen some of mine end up in third hands.

I was stalked by this seller and... and.... what should have been a simple transaction became an online war. I held the coveted 100% satisfaction status. Not a single blimp in almost a year and a half of trading. Till she bought something of mine and... lied. Said the item never arrived. I always posted express- that way I could track the items. She lied. Anyway. She cost me that 100% rating and if you've ever sold on there, you know how much it hurts - to see it become 99% - because logistically, it can never be 100% again. (The tarnish remains on my profile to this day.)

They say "you get what you pay for". Not always. Not online.

How have you fared?