QUESTION:

Have you ever been in a game show on TV?

Dylan reminded me of this one. Deal or No Deal. Yep. I was one of those gold suitcase opening people.

We were on the coast at the time and a friend, Shelley, somehow convinced me to apply. I say somehow because I never watch the show (or any TV) and I had even less interest in being a part of it. What were the odds though right? Thousands apply. So I did too, to shut her up.

Surprise surprise- we both got a call-back: "Be at such and such on such and such day."

Now, I had been in another game show, namely "The Price is Right" many, many, many years ago. But as a guest- dressed in National Costume and showcasing a European holiday. That had taken a few hours but it had been fun. Maybe because I was younger and far less cynical? I'd also been a guest on a couple of Variety Shows so I was no stranger to TV productions.

Back to Deal. We had to be there at 8 in the morning. That meant an hour and a half drive in peak traffic, me swearing the entire journey. I hate 'commuting traffic'. I don't get how people can waste up to four hours of every day going back and forth in a river of cars. I did the math once. Figured people spend more time in traffic than with their families. Bummer.

Back to Deal! Shelley is considerably younger than me. She's also very 'Australian' as in beer, ciggies and footy. Her oldest boy is Markie's best friend. That's how we connected. She's fun. Simple life, and if you can imagine an opposite of me- that be she. We got along well. Apart from the drinking. I went out one night to celebrate her birthday and... I spent the night keeping one married and very drunk friend from going off in a car with a bunch of visiting soccer players half her age, and, protecting Shelley from... herself. She gets loud. She gets vocal. She- we narrowly avoided an all-in brawl with a bunch of local 'mean girls'. (I was nursing a Moschato and wondering how the fuck you throw a punch?  And what I was doing in a pub full of children? )

Back to Deal!!! I was frazzled what with the constant stop/start on the freeway then city roads and then the pain of finding a parking spot near the studios- along with everyone else driving in with the same purpose. In the end, I parked in a two-hour zone and screw the ticket. I was frazzled! (Not so frazzled a couple of weeks later though, when I opened an envelope to find I owed the City of Melbourne $180!)

We joined the long queue. I also hate queues. My back hates queues! And Shelley- there's not much to be had, far as conversation, beyond the day to day. I smoked like a chimney and slurped on the nasty coffee sold by a van outside the studios and... shuffled.

Finally, we were in. Filled in a bunch of forms including one about 'ourselves'. (I had to help her with some of the questions.) Then we were herded into a waiting area. Loo time. That's when Shelley said, "I got some vals, want one?"

Ummm... I know what Valium is- my dad takes it to control his moods. I'd also read "Valley of the Dolls" in my late teens so... yeah. I knew. But I was frazzled and already wondering what the fuck I was doing in a game show. So I said, "Ye, why not."

We had one each. Then we were herded to our seats. I won't go on too much about the show itself- there are things called lawsuits. I will instead tell you 'our' version of it. This because by the time we got to climb the ladder back stage and had our first 'stint' behind the suitcases... we'd had three pills each and I was mellow? So mellow the host came up between takes and chatted. He thought I was hilarious apparently. (Why are all game show hosts vertically challenged?) I did wonder this, I remember, having met a few in my time.

They had to reshoot my 'suitcase opening' three times. Nuff said about that.

During one of the breaks... the host asked for 4 people to "Come down and have a shot at winning a TV!"

Shelley whipped my hand up. The host- already acquainted with my... whatever, picked me. I was too mellow, let's call it, to protest. So down I went.

I heard music.

"Right, it's a dance-off!" The host yelled enthusiastically. Everyone cheered. Less one.

Me.

"Whaaaaaaaaat?" (This screamed internally.)

Gets worse.

The song was "Put a ring on it." (Least I think that's the title?)

Now... Think of my romantic messes in the past, and my two failed marriages...  Then picture me dancing and demanding he "put a ring on it". It can't have been pretty. I came second- only because the other two were... blokes. And because the winner was a 20-something blonde who actually WANTED a ring! And her body said so very, very suggestively. (Don't know if she got the ring, but she got the bloody TV!)

We were there all day. We shot a week's worth of shows. Lunch was... non-vegan. I ate cigarettes and an apple. Washed them down with another van coffee.

Gets worse.

I fell asleep. Yep.

I slept through an entire evening's 'show' stuck in the second from last row. (We got rotated around so it appeared as though every show had a new audience.) I don't know what Shelley did but she certainly didn't notice me sleeping- not till some burly dude came up and shook me awake. Asked if I was okay.

I think I said I was?

On the long... long drive home, I swore never to go on another game show. And never to touch those blasted vals again. I get now why dad is so mellow.

I don't like mellow. It makes me do stupid things.

*I got a call-back to be a contestant. I politely declined. I'd watched the week's shows by then and... no! There was a brief shot of me... snoozing. On National TV. Like some politician during question time in Parliament. How the fuck did they miss that in the cutting room?

Who's been a contestant or part of the audience? C'mon, fess up!