QUESTION:

Does inheritance destroy families?

Mum returned two days ago from a two-month holiday 'back to the old country'. She'd not been for a couple of decades due to dad's declining health and his inability to travel long distances.

It wasn't quite the holiday she'd envisioned. Every home she entered, there were squabbles. One of my uncles- let's use him as the prime example: His wife just passed away. He is old and frail now. But he worked damn hard all his life.

He built an apartment block with three floors- he lives in one, and his two daughters and their husbands/partners occupy the other two floors. He also built 3 shops which he rents out. As well, he extended the original coastal holiday home by adding two more to the block of land- so his two daughters and his grandchildren can enjoy free beach vacations/weekends.

Whilst mum was there... talk centred around who will get what... in his presence! They were dividing up his life's achievements with him still breathing! He said to my mum "You know how sad I feel? Working like a dog all my life and now watching them squabble in front of me? Knowing they are waiting for me to die?"

They both cried, mum said.

My father's side- same deal there. She heard nephews bitching about the same crap- who gets what. (I think I mentioned, we'd gone back to see my dad's mum before she passed away- she'd been gravely ill... and when we got to her house, we found her in her bedroom- bare except for a bed, a chair and a small side table. They'd cleaned the house out before she'd passed! Taking not only my grandmother's things but also those mum had left behind when they'd migrated here- thinking to reclaim them on this trip; after my grandmother passed...)

It's not limited to the old country either. I saw plenty of similar goings-on during my stint in Real Estate here.

Mum had enough. She ended up saying to them each time, "I am now feeling blessed that I have no inheritance to leave behind."

How sad is this?

So I ask: Why do we feel we have to work and skimp and save- to leave something behind? So our children can supposedly have a better life than we had? But we only had that life in order to amass for them! We would have surely had a different, more enjoyable one, had we not been driven by the need to 'pass something on'?

We say we 'sacrifice' for our children. But is this sacrifice justified? Would our children not say "We didn't ask you to go without! And you didn't ask us to go without!" Because really, WE taught them to expect an inheritance. They weren't born expecting it. However little/large what we amassed over a lifetime of work and doing without- to save for them... it now exists. And it is expected by them.

Our children in turn - because there's a thing called inflation and another thing called 'keeping up'- will also have to work damn hard to grow whatever they got from us... for their children because costs will have ballooned out over time. They will also live with sacrifice. (I am talking 'typical' middle-class and below here.)

So what we have in essence is a cycle of sacrifice, expectations and... squabbling.

I've seen entire families torn irreparably apart because of inheritance. I've also seen deaths.

My children know there's nothing to be had from me except me. I mentioned somewhere else... that's how we live- spending their inheritance together in the now. Dylan's classmates- they ALL expect cars and help with the rent and later with buying homes and... a big payout once their parents die.

Their parents (some in their 70's) are still working. Still amassing. They are so busy doing this they've not had the opportunity to just take off with their children to the snow for the day. (Multiplied by x number of things they didn't do together because of the debt and the cost involved and the 'not saving'.)

When I weigh up the two... the memories shared and the life-lessons learned and the deep bond carried into adulthood by both sons far surpass any monetary inheritance I may have left them. By placing no expectations on them, I placed none on me. A level playing field. Maybe in time they, too, might embrace the same philosophy. Or they may not. It's their future.

Where do you sit with inheritance?  Good or bad?