Username: spacelattexo

Book title: Fractured past

Genre: Mystery/thriller

Focus: Plot/plot twist/originality/writing style.

BOOK COVER:

Finding the perfect cover for a mystery is extremely hard. It's not like sci-fi or fantasy or even romance where you just get cool images. It's terrible trying to find a good one that is actually relevant to the story. Being a mystery author myself, I totally understand the struggle.

I just thought I'll let you know the problems I found with yours. I'm hoping this might make it a bit easier to find the right one.

With covers I look at the following aspects:

1. Image chosen
2. Background
3. Graphics
4. Mood/colour/theme
5. Font - colour/placement/size.

And these are the aspects that found issues with. Starting with the image, choosing a girl is good but the picture is pretty out of focus. It looks like it has a blur filter over it, which works for some covers, but the sharpness is brought about by the font in such cases, which doesn't happen with yours. The background and graphics don't blend well with the image both in terms of colour as well as texture. The colour scheme  isn't eye catchy, I don't feel it particularly captures the mood very well. The black you've chosen for the font doesn't contrast well enough with the background making it a bit hard to see the title. The placement of the title and the author's name makes the cover look a bit off balance.

Overall, I think changing the background, image, colour scheme, font and its placement could make this better and be something that your story deserves.

BLURB:

I like the length of the blurb. I think over all it gives of a mysterious vibe.

However, as with anything, there are some points which could be improved.

1. Grammatical issues:

Line 1- "One night a tragic incident changed everything for her and gave her the opportunity to know about her past which she has been wondering about her whole life."

Problem - Tense shift

You blurb is written in the present tense, as it should be, but as you can see from the highlighted words, it slips into past.

Suggested edit - "One night a tragic incident changes everything for her and gives her the opportunity to know about her past which she has been wondering about her whole life."

Line 2- "Little does she know that what she found out was something more twisted than she could ever imagine."

Problem - Same as above, tense shift.

Suggested edit: "Little does she know that what she finds out is something more twisted than she could ever imagine."

2. The second thing that felt could be improved was, that your blurb is a bit too vague. Now, I totally get why you could have gone for this - to give off a mysterious vibe. And it does do that, but the thing is, going overboard with this has the danger of making the story too generic.

When you use words like "something happens" and "a tragic incident" it sort of takes away the punch, you know.

Let me talk about this more with an example:

Instead of "a tragic incident" if you were to say "one night she sees her friend get murdered right in front of her eyes" then that creates an impact with the readers. You are forging a connection, making them want to read more. They become more invested in the story. "A tragic incident" is too generic of a term for the readers to really care about what is going to happen.

My suggestion:

I would ask you to include a bit more details, I know you probably didn't reveal the MC's name on purpose, but people generally do it for a reason. When you introduce the name in the blurb, it makes the person seem more real instead of an abstract story book character. Apart from the name, using more visceral words will also create more impact. I'm not saying go into full on gore in the blurb, but vivid details stay with the readers far longer than vague terms do.

PLOT: (FOCUS)

Out of the things you asked me to focus on, I'll be covering plot/originality in this section. Sadly, I won't be able to talk about any plot twists because I haven't read far enough.

Premise:

I like the premise. It's clear and there are so many possibilities and directions that this story could take.

Pacing:

Pacing is something that differs from reader to reader. To me it felt like it sort of jumped around a bit and I thought the set ups and scenes could have been explored in more detail. But I'm not suggesting any changes as of now because pacing is a bit hard to be objective about. But I would like to offer one input: listen to your readers. If multiple people tell you they have a problem with pacing, then maybe you should consider changing it. But if they don't then it's not really a problem.

Clarity of ideas when it comes to chronological events:

A lot of mystery authors play around with time and this particular aspect is so much more relevant to the mystery genre more than others. I say this because, a lot of people go back and forth in time during the narration to add more intrigue. A good example of such a novel would be 'Dark places' by Gillian Flynn.

Why I'm bringing this up is because I see that you have attempted to alter the narrative timeline with your story too. To be more precise, the first chapter starts with the murder already having been committed. And in the second, we get to actually experience it happening.

I love that you played around with the time line like that but I felt that the execution is a bit clumsy and could be tightened up a bit more. The confusion arises in part due to the usage of italics and there are other factors but I'll talk about it in more detail later on.

As of now, I'd just like to suggest you to go back to the places where the murder is being mentioned and make it a bit more clear if its a flashback or a hallucination/daydream (like what happens in chapter 5)

Originality: (Focus)

This isn't something that I would have mentioned in detail on my own, but I'll talk about it since you asked.

The reason I gloss over this point for most stories is because, this section isn't relevant to most. What I mean is, originality isn't such an important criteria for most genres except for sci-fi and fantasy. With these two genres, originality could make or break a story. But that's not the case for mystery or romance.

The reason being, most of our plots are cliché anyways. With mystery, it's usually about a MC and how the death of a close one affects them as they try to solve the problem. It's just the twist that the author executes on the same old template.

With yours too, the structure is pretty normal to the mystery genre. This isn't a bad thing at all, because like I said, mystery has a standard template. I see that you introduced elements of rich parents and a lost heir trope. So far this is good, but I haven't really read far enough to effectively judge the originality of the plot.

Plot holes/ Improbable things:

Unlike the previous section, this one is the most important when it comes to mystery. Problems with section can really unravel a story pretty fast.

While I haven't read far enough to determine if it has plot holes, I did find some sort of improbable things that were mentioned.

1. The police officers don't take down her statement about what happened right away but wait till the next morning to do so.

I get that you explained they didn't do it because they could see she was in shock, but the police don't usually assume it by themselves. The first thing that is done on arriving at a crime scene is taking down the witness's statement. But even if you did want to show that they waited till the next morning, they would have had a doctor/paramedic say that she mustn't be disturbed.

I find it a bit hard to believe that they don't ask her a single question about what happened but are ready to send her back home to her parents.

2. Them allowing her to stay at the station.

I don't have the problem with the plot point itself, rather I felt the execution was a bit off. What I mean by that is, the police automatically say that she can stay in the station as soon as she says she is homeless.

I don't think that will be the first response to a statement like that. Because as soon as they find out that she lives in the streets, they will try and contact social services. But they don't talk about it till the next morning.

Now if you do want to make her stay on the police station, I suggest doing in a more probable way. Maybe you could show that the police do try to contact social services, but maybe they aren't able to find a good shelter or something. So then, they just let her stay for one night because of extenuating circumstances.

I just think, them automatically suggesting that she stay in the station is a bit improbable.

3. The police officer doesn't report her to social services just because she says 'pretty please'

The reason I say this is a bit improbable, is because, if this were to really happen, then it would be a gross neglection of duty on the part of the officer. And this would be even more complicated by the fact that she is a witness/suspect in a murder case. So as you can see, it's a bit doubtful that they would just let her go.

4. The British guy giving her three hundred dollars.

Now the action itself is pretty suspicious, but I'm sure it has a significance to the plot. I'm sure he gave her the money for a reason. My problem is not with him giving her money, but with the fact that he gave her the money in dollars.

The story is taking place in Russia, and the guy is British. Why would the transaction be in dollars? Shouldn't it either be in Russian Roubles or British Pounds? That struck me when I read the scene so I thought I'll point it out.

My suggestion:

Researching is an important part of writing a novel. I totally get that it's boring and cumbersome but factual errors kill a story like no other. If police procedurals feature heavily in your story, I suggest reading up on those. Especially the ones in Moscow. Knowing how things are done in the particular geographic location of your story is very important. Because these things vary significantly from region to region.

WRITING STYLE: (CREATIVE) (FOCUS)

Descriptions:

I think your descriptions are good. I absolutely loved how you described the murder. Great job describing the action sequences too, those are pretty hard to get right. Great job!

Dialogues:

They were good. Nothing unnecessary or irrelevant. Straight and to the point. I just wish you'd varied the voice for each character a bit, but in the whole it was good and kept it all clean!

Prose:

Now, the one main problem I found with your prose is, your heavy usage of italics. Italics have a specific function in story telling and when they get used wrongly or in excess, it becomes a bit confusing for the readers.

As I'm sure you are aware, italics are used for flashbacks, inner monologues, and emphasis.

Usage of italics for inner monologues when you are writing in first person is a bit tricky. Because the whole thing is essentially an inner monologue. So the way to differentiate is, if the MC is talking to the readers and giving us information it's not an inner monologue. But if she is talking to herself, then it is.

I think I'm confusing you a bit and not making myself clear. I'll try to explain it better with an example:

Correct usage - chapter 1 "when was the last time I ate?"

This is correct because the MC is 'talking to herself' wondering when she last ate.

Wrong usage - chapter 3 "Tears are on the verge of flowing out of my eyes."

This is wrong because she is telling the readers this, that's she is about to cry.

I found that you consistently intermixed the two and it created a bit of a confusion.

Another way you intermixed is by using it both for flashbacks and hallucinations (when she 'daydreams' in the shower in chapter 5)

This is what I meant before when I said things aren't clear enough. When the scene in the shower started, I automatically assumed that it was a flashback because you had already used them heavily for narrating flashbacks. So when this too was in italics, it disoriented me. I didn't actually realise until it was said.

My suggestion:

I would suggest you to go through all the parts in italics. Italics can be a powerful tool when used sparingly and correctly. But when it's overused or used wrongly it loses its purpose and does more harm than good.

WRITING STYLE: (TECHNICAL)

I'm not going to talk about this much because you have clearly stated that it hasn't been edited. But just to let you know, there were problems with tense shifts, spelling, punctuation and sentence structure. I'm sure this can be fixed during editing. Good luck!

CHARACTERS:

I liked the characters. I liked the way you executed them. Great job!

The MC's struggle of growing up in the streets and how alone she feels is well crafted.

I like the relationship between her and Zari. The loss she feels is immense.

I'm curious about Viktor and Breton and I don't think they are what they seem on the surface. Great job surrounding them in mystery!

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Your story has a lot going on. I loved how you grabbed our attention right away with the murder. You got right into the action and it all really intrigued me. I like the set up and I think there are so many directions that this plot could take. Great job with that! Thank you for choosing me to review the book. I hope you found this review helpful and I wish you all the very best on your writing journey!