Username: dagirlwholovedyou

Book title: The F*cked up Story of Ours

Genre: Fantasy

Focus: Plot, characters, writing style.

Book cover:

The image suits your story well. It's whimsical and dark at the same time and very fitting for the mood. Great job with choosing the correct one.

But there are points to improve. The book title is merges too much with the background. There isn't enough contrast. There is too many font changes, I suggest maybe having two different fonts at the most. The size needs to be a bit uniform as well there is just too much variation and not enough contrast.

How you can make this better is by choosing two fonts at the most.

As for the spatial awareness, the title needs to be placed better. And you have the perfect place in the image. Maybe you could move the author name to the top and just push the title down to the darker area at the bottom of the image. This would bring about a good contrast.

Blurb:

You only have two lines. It's a great hook. They are well chosen and would definitely entice the readers to want to know more. My suggestion would be to increase the length. As of now the blurb doesn't really offer any insight into the story.

Plot: (focus)

As far as the premise goes, I'm not really sure because you haven't included any in the blurb. So I went into the story totally blind. The impression the blurb left, was that it was a romance. But the initial chapters hardly had any romance. I'm sure it's mentioned later but the initial chapters are all action packed. I mention this because, the impression that the blurb leaves on your readers is very important.

When they come expecting a romance, it's better to deliver a romance right away. I don't mean start off with them kissing, what I mean is, the set up should point that way.

Your story, atleast the first five chapters deal heavily with action. Don't get me wrong, I loved the action. Being someone who isn't all that into romance in the first place, it was a pleasant surprise. But that might not be the case for everyone.

So what I'm trying to say is, make sure your blurb reflects your story accurately. Don't let it be a case of false advertisement.

Now getting to the main aspects like storyline, I loved it. LOVED it. It was fast paced, it was intriguing and it kept me thoroughly entertained. GREAT JOB! It reads like a fantasy action and I'm all here for it.

I just think you could mention a bit more about what Astra actually is. She clearly isn't human but what is she exactly?

I loved the plot point about the forbidden sword and the fact that it is the only thing that can harm her.

I think the entire thing with the maze was very well executed. And cool detail about the scythe! I love them! I just picture her smashing a mirror with one and wow, that was badass! Way to go!

The pacing seems fine but could do with a little more set up. I'll mention it more in writing style (creative)

The last point I want to talk about is originality of plot. I think the idea is very original. I didn't see any cliches till what I read. GREAT JOB!

Writing style: (creative) (focus)

Overall I like your writing style. It's pretty immersive. I just think you include more scene settings.

World building is very much important in fantasy. This is because you are introducing new worlds to the readers which we aren't familiar with. So I think it'll be good if you could expand a bit on the descriptions.

As for the flow, I didn't find a lot of problems.

Also if you are including words from other languages (I think Filipino?) I think it's good to include translations. Not knowing the language myself, I found it a bit hard to follow. However, till what I read there was only instance so it's not a major issue.

Overall, I think your writing shows promise.

Writing style: (Technical) (Focus)

Here I will be focusing on grammar, sentence structure, syntax, paragraph structuring etc, spelling etc.

I have taken notes for the prologue and I'm sure you can edit the rest based on this. I suggest getting the help of an editor if you can. There are a lot of editing shops on Wattpad and I think it might be a good investment for your story.

If the same mistake has been repeated twice, I have mentioned it once.

Line 1:

"Another S*tty morning again"

Problem:

The problem with this is the censoring. We use curse words in the narrative for a purpose. It's mostly to flesh out the characters more. When used in the context of villains it mostly shows them as crude, crass or vile. But when you apply them to the protagonists it's to show them as badass or somebody who doesn't care about norms. It's a great idea and your heroine frequently curses.

I counted 9 times in the prologue itself, so it's safe to say she curses a lot. So when you censor it each and everytime, it defeats the whole purpose. Just write out the word if you are particular about fleshing out her character using this. But if you are worried about people reporting or flagging your story then don't include curse words.

If you are worried about kids reading you story, then maybe include a disclaimer in the beginning warning people that there is heavy swearing.

When you censor so many times it just breaks up the flow.

I personally think you should just write out the word, it does help the narrative. Just include a disclaimer at the begining.

Suggested edit:

"Another shitty morning again,"

Line 2:

"Sometimes I'm thinking why am I still breathing in this messed up world"

Problem:

When you say "I'm thinking" the tense shifts from present to present progressive. The problem with writing in present progressive is, it really takes away from the strength of the sentence if used in unnecessary places. It makes the action more passive. And this being the first line of the prologue, it really must be a lot more stronger.

Suggested edit:

"Sometimes I think why I'm still breathing in this messed up world."

Line 3:

"I walked to the kitchen to drink a glass of water"

Problem:

Your story is written in first person present tense, it slips into past often. Something to look out for during the edits.

Suggested edit:

"I walk to the kitchen to drink a glass of water."

Line 4:

"I hate anything bright it annoys me a lot."

Problem:

These are two sentences because they are two different but related ideas. They should be broken up for better flow. You can use any punctuation to break it up, a comma, a semicolon, a fullstop or an em dash. I suggest a semicolon.

Suggested edit:

"I hate anything bright; it annoys me a lot."

Line 5:

"So I just got downstairs and irritatingly fixed the curtains so not even a ray of light enter my house."

Problem:

1. Run-on sentence

2. Wrong use of the adverb "irritatingly"

3. Tense shift.

Suggested edit:

"I go downstairs and irritatedly fix the curtains, so that not even a single ray of sunlight can enter the house."

Line 6:

"So yes... I have"

Problem:

1. Run-on sentence. It should be broken up into two or more parts. An average sentence has around 15 - 20 words. This one has more than 45. It becomes too cumbersome for the readers to read this. Never exceed 25 - 30 words in a sentence.

2. Tense shift

Suggestion: Break up the sentence into two parts. I suggest breaking it after 'positive way'

Line 7:

"well I think a few days ago"

Problem:

The first letter isn't capitalised.

Suggested edit:

"Well, I think"

Line 8:

"Good afternoon to you mi lady"

Problem:

Breaking up mi lady. Milady is a single word.

Edit:

"Good afternoon to you, Milady"

Line 9:

"Have you eaten up?"

Problem:

Eaten up is not an expression.

Edit:

"Have you eaten?"

Line 10:

"I find it tiring trying to speak in humans."

Problem"

1. Missed comma between tiring and trying.

2. Speak in humans is not the correct usage.

Edit:

"I find it tiring, trying to speak to humans."

Characters: (focus)

I think Astra is a very strong heroine. The impression the blurb, the prologue and the chapters themselves left me were all different.

Reading the blurb I assumed it'll be about a MC pining after a lost love. The blurb seemed to corroborate it but she seemed really bitter. However with the chapters themselves, she came across as someone really strong and a central figure who drove the plot forward. Great job!

As for the other characters, I haven't gotten to know them enough. But her caretaker seems really devoted to her and a pillar of support. I really liked her portrayal.

As for Emmanuel Kingsely, I assume he is the main love interest. I loved how you created a mystery around him and I wonder how he is related to her previous boyfriend. Nicely done!

Final thoughts:

I think this plot is very promising. You clearly have a lot of talent with regards to plot points and characterisations. I think the story needs to be edited by someone who is proficient in the rules or you can learn about them yourself. There are a lot of resources both on Wattpad and on other sites. Overall I think this could be something really amazing with just a bit of editing. Great job! I hope you found this review helpful! And all the very best on your writing journey!