Book Title: ‘Love’ or ‘Spy’

Author: preshivipes

Genre: Action/Teen Fiction

Chapters Reviewed: All chapters so far (Prologue + 10)

Reviewer: @MidnightKoala

Note: I will try and be as constructive and as polite as possible regarding areas that I think can be improved but still remain honest. It is not my intention to be harsh or rude but if any of my comments come across that way, I do apologise sincerely. I am not always right and sometimes my opinions may be different to yours so please do tell me if you don’t agree with something I’ve said or want to discuss further - I am more than happy to. I hope the review is helpful! ❤️

TITLE:

Your title is amazing! The contrast between the two ideas is really interesting and I like how you link to the concept of a choice between loved ones and life as a spy in your blurb too. It’s a very fitting title to the themes in your story. I think it’s also a good length - not too short to lose its effect but not too long either which would sound clumsy to read. I would only suggest you remove the apostrophes from the words for a more professional look. But overall, a very nice and unique title! 

COVER:

Your cover is absolutely stunning! I am so in love with how you wrote your title in two different fonts, the rigid block letters representing the spy side and the delicate cursive representing the love side. Such an ingenious idea! The overlapping of the fonts also isn’t messy as one may expect - in fact, it’s done very skilfully and has a powerful and professional look to it. The choice of colour is also very meaningful - red could represent blood and violence which is the spy side but could also represent romance and familial love. The background is a very fitting choice; the heels and the gun are, again, another example of contrasting ideas and it’s a very strong image that masterfully reflects the concepts in your story. I can’t say anything against your cover - seriously, it’s one of the best covers I’ve ever seen and if I saw that in a library or bookstore, I would definitely pick it up! It’s absolutely perfect! ❤️👏

BLURB:

Now coming to your blurb, firstly I’d like to mention a minor technical thing with the first line. It should really say ‘in The Undiscovered Awards’ (the word ‘in’ instead of ‘on’ and the words ‘The’ and ‘Awards’ should have the first letters capitalised). Also, congratulations on coming 2nd in these awards! 😊 

Note: whenever I mention a quote from your work, I will highlight it between these symbols <> like so: <quote> to make it clearer where the quotes are.

Now your first line is: <Julie was a teenage girl with a completely ordinary life.> I believe this is quite cliché. I have read so many blurbs with exactly this kind of opening so it doesn’t necessarily hook me in to make me want to read more. The next part is much better because you begin to introduce the basis of your plotline. A minor nitpick is that I think a semicolon would work better in this instance: <...her recruitment into the organisation; she joined them because…> 

There are a few things I’d like to suggest about your next part: <Obstacles come her way, but she overcomes them all and found the one person she never thought she was never going to.> Firstly, there is a tense shift in this sentence as previously, the blurb had begun in past tense whereas this sentence changes to present and then back to past again. In fact, the tense does fluctuate quite a bit in the blurb so I’d suggest choosing either past or present and trying to maintain it consistently - present tense is usually a formality for blurbs. 

Secondly, when you say she <overcomes them all> (i.e. the obstacles), I don’t think that’s a particularly good line for a blurb because as a reader starting a story, we shouldn’t technically know whether the main character overcomes the obstacles or not - it’s almost as if you’re giving it all away by stating this. Lastly, <she never thought she was never going to> seems like a typo to me; I think you meant <she never thought she was going to>. 

The last parts of your blurb are good - they’re very mysterious and really build a good level of intrigue that makes me want to open the book. But, there are too many one line paragraphs in a row which makes them lose their effect so perhaps you could identify the most important lines that stand out the most and only use them as one line paragraphs.

A couple of typos I noticed in the blurb: ‘perpetrator’ is spelt wrong, and <she let her guard down> shouldn’t have a capital S. 

Overall, I believe your blurb is good but could be better. There were a couple of instances where I felt like your sentences and structure/layout of the blurb could be improved but mostly, it’s well written, it does build a good foundation to your plot and invites me as the reader to open the book. Don’t worry - I know blurbs are incredibly difficult to write as you have to find the perfect balance between revealing just enough to grab the attention of a reader but not enough to give too much away - I think with a little tweaking, you’ll get there! 

OPENING:

Before I get onto your prologue, I just want to mention your aesthetics. They’re very beautifully made and truly an eye catching sight! Now this might just be a personal preference, but I’d love to see your aesthetics at the end of the story rather than at the start, just because I want to feel the characters’ personalities through your writing rather than by the images. But there’s nothing wrong with the way you’ve done it either! Just a suggestion. 😉

Now, an opening line, paragraph and chapter should be powerful and interesting to hook the reader in and encourage them to continue reading. Your first line <He ran so fast with all his might> is quite a captivating first line. I love how you immediately jump into the action. The first paragraph is also really good - I really like the little details about his suit being uncomfortable in the middle of the thrilling chase! Your entire prologue is not only written so well, but also builds so much mystery and intrigue for the reader! It’s such a tense situation that John is in and I can truly feel the emotions of his character like they’re my own because of your vivid and detailed descriptions - really, really amazing! I love the last line so much because it leaves it in suspense, forcing the reader to move on. 

Overall, your opening is so powerful and absolutely perfect - truly can’t find a single thing to fault. 

TECHNICAL ACCURACY:

I have already mentioned a few technical points about your blurb. I think there are certain aspects that you could improve in your story as well in terms of spellings, punctuation, grammar, sentence structures and word choices. A good edit will probably sort these out.

-SPELLING:

A few examples:

In Chapter 1, you wrote <Living her mother’s side...> - it should be ‘leaving’.

In Chapter 2, you wrote <Her black sewade heels> - it should be ‘suede’

In Chapter 3, you wrote <empty sit beside me> - it should be ‘seat’. (I think I commented on this and you’ve changed it now.) I’ve also noticed that you’ve used the word ‘sit’ instead of ‘seat’ several times after this as well. 

-PUNCTUATION:

These are just a few examples but there are many other instances I’ve noticed misplaced punctuation.

At the start of Chapter 1: <We met, when we were like five years old; her family moved here from California, because her dad found a better job here in Brooklyn.> Nice use of semicolon here but you really don’t need either of the commas. Also, the word ‘like’ is quite informal so perhaps ‘around’ would be a better fit? Try this perhaps?

We met when we were around five years old; her family moved here from California because her dad found a better job here in Brooklyn.

At the start of Chapter 7: <Being a spy… more like a spy in training gave me all sort of confidence. I can’t believe I did that- me- Julie Woods- knocked a man down.> I think instead of ellipsis, either commas or dashes as parentheses might work better here? You could add the word ‘well’ and keep the ellipsis too. Also, I think some of the wording could be altered and the dashes for the next sentence feel quite clumsy. This is just a suggestion but there are many ways you could improve this sentence:

Being a spy, well… more like a spy in training, gave me all sorts of confidence. I can’t believe I did that. I - Julie Woods - knocked a man down! 

-GRAMMAR, SENTENCE STRUCTURES, WORD CHOICES:

In Chapter 1: <A day after we had settled in, my mom told me of our new neighbours that had moved in and we should welcome them.> Here, some of the wording sounds off. I would’ve said ‘about our new neighbours’ instead ‘of our new neighbours’. Also, the last part of the sentence is a little awkward - it could be better if you said this:

A day after we had settled in, my mom told me about our new neighbours that had moved in and she said we should welcome them. 

(Don’t mind my spelling of neighbours haha, it’s the British spelling - stick with yours! 😅)

Another example: <I reeled my eyes at her question...> I don’t think ‘reeled’ is necessarily the best word choice here. Maybe it was a typo of ‘rolled’?

You’ve also used the word ‘plastered’ a few times in the wrong context - I noticed it half way through Chapter 7 and at the start of Chapter 8. <...saw the same expression was plastered on his face.> ‘Plastered’ implies that the smile isn’t genuine and is a fake smile, but in this scenario, Kendal is smiling happily so ‘plastered’ isn’t the right word here.

-ADDITIONAL TECHNICALITIES:

At the start of Chapter 1, Men in Black should have a capital B because it’s the name of a film/book.

At the start of Chapter 7, <He seemed surprised by my action, because he had a surprised and irritated look on his middle-aged face...> You’ve used the word ‘surprised’ twice here and ‘irritation’ later on in that sentence too so I would suggest changing the wording here so it sounds better worded. Also, it could be better if you showed the reader his surprise through his expressions and actions rather than simply stating that ‘he had a surprised look’. You could talk about his arched eyebrows or wide eyes or gaping mouth - all of which imply surprise. 

Sometimes, you use the word ‘said’ quite a lot - for example, just after the training when Julie and her mother are talking or when Stella, Kendal and Julie are talking excitedly about the wrestling tickets. There’s nothing wrong with the word ‘said’ but when used several times within close proximities, it makes it sound a little basic and if you could come up with something more creative, it might sound better.

Another point I want to make in this section is about tenses - the majority of your book is really consistent in past tense but I’ve noticed a few occasions where you slip into present tense so just keep an eye out for that during editing. 

Last technical point - your flashbacks would be more efficient if you put a time frame at the start (like ‘Three Years Earlier’ or whatever) and you tell the reader when the flashback is over by saying ‘Present Day’ or something because I was often confused when a flashback finished and I had to go back and reread it several times before I realised. Also, flashback is one word and not ‘flash back’. 

In conclusion, your technical accuracy isn’t too bad because I can still understand what you’re saying when I’m reading but there’s still lots to work on. These are just a few examples that I’ve given - do look out for similar situations in the rest of your book and focus on these things during editing and you’ll be golden! Let me know by PM if you need any help with editing and I’ll be more than happy to give you a hand! 😊

PLOT AND FLOW:

The idea you have for your plot isn’t the most original concept - a teenage girl finds out her dad was killed on a spy mission and wants to get revenge. However, you have executed the idea very well. The prologue is one of my favourite parts - it’s gripping and thrilling and written beautifully. It sets the foundation for your plot really well and is a great opener. Your story continues in a great manner too; I like the general development of the storyline and the events that occur in Julie’s life. The plot twists are also brilliant - especially the one when we find out about who the ‘stalker’ is and how he wasn’t really a bad guy - that surprised me in a good way. It was definitely not a boring read and I was captivated throughout!

Some of your chapter endings are really good - they keep the reader hooked and desperate to turn the page (or in this case, click continue reading) because you leave them in a great deal of suspense. For example, at the end of Chapter 7 when we find out who the stalker is, I literally gasped out loud because I was so shocked and I immediately had to read the next chapter to find out who George is and how he knew her father. I loved that ending! Sometimes, though, your chapter endings aren’t as powerful. Like the chapter endings for Chapter 2 and 6 didn’t leave me desperate for more and they felt a little weak. I definitely think your story could be improved so much just by changing the endings slightly. 

For example, the ending of chapter 6 would be so much more powerful if you just added this small line after <...nick of time.>: 

Someone was behind me. (in italics.)

That one tiny line makes the ending so much stronger!

-PACING:

In terms of pacing, generally, the pacing is at a good level and you don’t rush or drag out the parts of your story too much. 

There are one or two instances that I spotted where I think you did rush a little. When she did that roundhouse kick on the stalker, how did she learn that so quickly after one training session? Maybe you could mention that there were several training sessions or there was only one session but say within her inner thoughts that the kick wasn’t perfect but she tried her best using what she had learnt. And also, when she fights with Mark the next day, she beats him easily - I found this quite surprising since she’s only been training for about two days and Mark has surely been training for much longer. I know it’s in her blood but it still doesn’t feel realistic - it would help if you mention that she trained for longer or she’s been training in her free time etc. Or you could let Mark win the fight but he is still surprised at how good she is and how much she’s picked up.

And again, when she goes on her first mission with Mark, has she even been taught about undercover work? You don’t mention it at all and it just seems surprising that they would send her on a mission without teaching her anything. If they did, then it would be great to hear what they’ve taught her! Even during her first training session, you didn’t actually specify what she was learning. It would make sense to hear what kinds of martial arts she’s being taught and the knowledge she is gaining about undercover work etc. and it would also help with the flow. It feels like a gap in the plot to me, like a big chunk of important information is missing. 

-DIALOGUES:

On the other hand, I think sometimes dialogues can be stretched out a bit. For example, when Julie wants to know the truth about those federal agents but her mum won't tell her and they have an argument, the argument drags a little because they’re repeating the same kinds of things in different words. The same thing when Julie wants to help find her father’s killer and is again arguing with her mum - they just repeat the same points and you begin to lose the reader’s interest slightly. I’d suggest you shorten these dialogues slightly and keep them brief and to the point, letting the reader know only what’s important. 

Some of your dialogues seem out of place. Like when Julie’s mother is asking Julie all these questions about the wrestling match she is attending with Stella and Kendal, it seems like an unnecessary conversation because it doesn’t add anything to the plot. Also, when Stella tells Julie on the phone that she’ll tell her about her date with Diego later, she never does or you never mention it, so it feels like a kind of throwaway detail you just included and has no real significance, especially since Stella and Julie’s conversation is quite a detailed scene. (Unless that is important later on, in that case - I apologise!)

However, saying that, some of your dialogues have been really good - like the fun, casual conversations between Julie and Mark always make me smile and I love Max and Joan’s interaction too and it’s great how you’ve infused humour within serious scenes. 

-DESCRIPTIONS:

Now moving on to descriptions, your descriptions are usually really, really good. Examples - when you describe the mansion in Chapter 10 or when you describe Julie punching the punching bag in Chapter 9, and of course, I can’t forget the prologue chase! These descriptions are very detailed and vivid and they feel realistic to the reader, so much so that I almost feel like I’m in Julie’s position, experiencing these things myself. Really amazing! A few times I have noticed that your descriptions can be quite basic and simple - for example, when you list Julie’s routine at the end of Chapter 5, but that’s just me being very picky - most of the time, they’re written really well. 👏

-TECHNICALITIES:

There are some technical things to your plot which I believe aren’t quite explained properly. Like for example, when Julie and her mother are going in the elevator and Julie falls over and her mum tells her that she couldn’t help her because she would’ve fallen too - well why didn’t her mother warn her beforehand that this would happen? Or if it was a prank, why didn’t she laugh at the end? 

The other thing about the elevator is that you said it took ‘seconds’ to get from Brooklyn to Manhattan. Now, even if this is some sort of super fast, futuristic technology, it seems unrealistic to me since it’s an almost half an hour drive from Brooklyn to Manhattan so how could they have gotten there in ‘seconds’? Maybe ‘minutes’ would be more appropriate? 

Also, when she sees the stalker outside her house and she knocks him out, why does she then drag him to the garage and tie him up and begin to interrogate him? The logical thing to do would be to call her mother! Maybe there is a reason that she does this but it would help to mention it to your readers so her thought processes are clearer because I was quite confused at this.

Another thing is at the end of Chapter 5, you wrote <I guess I was wrong> but this seems unclear to me - I guess I was wrong about what? I know you meant she was wrong about not feeling sleepy, but that was written several paragraphs ago and I had to scroll back to remind myself. Perhaps, this could be made more obvious?

CHARACTERS:

Julie is a very lovable character. I instantly fell in love with her from the get go and I am thoroughly engrossed in the events surrounding her life. She is portrayed as a well rounded person with mostly positive traits. Her anger and surprise at her mother’s revelation is expressed well, her desire to bring George back into their lives was a nice way to develop her personality and her growing confidence during the mission is wonderfully portrayed too. The other characters are also excellent - Caitlin is the caring and protective mother, Stella the loyal best friend, Mark the older brother type of guy. I really did enjoy the variety of different characters you included.

I think George’s character was done perfectly - the way he was mysterious and creepy at the start but Julie became closer to him once everything was revealed and the flashback with him and Caitlin was one of my favourite parts because his emotions were expressed absolutely flawlessly; that entire scene was so vivid and dramatic and I felt a surge of pity and pain for the poor guy - really, really loved that part! It was absolutely, impeccably written! 👏

I want to talk mostly about Kendal though. I believe your character development was quite rushed with him. At the start, he was giving me really creepy, stalker vibes like when he winked at Julie during PE which made her fall over and then he grabbed her arm to wipe away the blood from her cut which she jerked away. A stranger doing that to you should be quite concerning, especially if he’s a popular guy with a girlfriend. Julie’s reactions make sense when she jerks away and ignores him etc. But then, despite Julie having disliked him for all this time, they suddenly become friends one conversation later? It all felt too sudden for me and I don’t get the impression that Julie is the type of person to instantly trust someone like that. 

And also, I found it weird that Kendal had ignored her for years but he suddenly notices Julie now - you did explain that he had always noticed her but she wouldn’t give him a chance but it’s quite confusing to the reader because we’ve never heard this mentioned before that Kendal had tried to talk to her and she would ignore him only except for Kendal doing that to Julie today. As a reader, I get the wrong impression that he hadn’t talked to her for years then suddenly, in one day, he tries to talk to her, gives her signs, winks at her etc. and it just doesn't sound right to me. 

I would suggest that you focus on your pacing with Kendal’s character and ease him into Julie’s life more slowly so Julie has time to trust him and learn about him properly before she befriends him. You could mention the fact within Julie’s inner thoughts about Kendal having approached her before maybe several times in the past few years and she’d ignored his advances - this would set the scene better and make it understandable when he approaches her today - it would also make his explanation about why he noticed her make more sense and it would get rid of the creepy vibe I was getting from him haha. 

OVERALL ENJOYMENT:

Overall, I really, really love your story! I’m sorry if I’ve been quite blunt with this review. I always try not to be harsh but remain honest and I hope it hasn’t offended you in any way. I know I’m a very picky reviewer and I talk more about things that can be improved rather than the positive things but that doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy your story - there’s just less to say about the good stuff because those parts are already so great to begin with! I believe you have a lot of brilliant aspects to your story and a wonderful style of writing - it truly was a great read and I will definitely continue reading as you update more chapters which I don’t always do for books I review but your book is too fantastic not to continue! If you work on some of the things I’ve mentioned, I believe this great book can be improved to an absolutely smashing one!

I hope this review has been useful - let me know if there’s any part of this review you don’t quite understand or don’t agree with and I am more than happy to have a further discussion. Also, don’t hesitate to PM me if you ever need any more advice or support, whether it be in the next few weeks or the next few months - I’m always available to help!

Good luck on your writing journey Preshi and I wish you all the very best! ❤️