Book Title: Learning to Swim

Author:  _rishiika_

Chapters Reviewed: 3 (Express Review)

Reviewer: MidnightKoala

Note: I will try and be as constructive and as polite as possible regarding areas that I think can be improved but still remain honest. It is not my intention to be harsh or rude but if any of my comments come across that way, I do apologise sincerely. I am not always right and sometimes my opinions may be different to yours so please do tell me if you don’t agree with something I’ve said or want to discuss further - I am more than happy to. I hope the review is helpful! ❤️

TITLE/COVER/BLURB:

Your title is quite unique and different to a lot of book titles I’ve heard. I don’t think it’s particularly creative but it is nice and simple.

I’m not an expert in graphics but in terms of a reader’s perspective, I really like your cover - it’s bright, attractive and cute and the choice of font is very appealing. The blue background representing the water/swimming is also fitting. Again, a simple cover but sometimes simple works and in your case, I think it does. 😊

Moving on to the blurb. Note: whenever I mention a quote from your work, I will highlight it between these symbols <> like so: <quote> to make it clearer where the quotes are.

I think the first line of your blurb is a little strange in the way you’ve worded it. The start of the line: <In which the...> and the end of the line: <...and so much more> just sound a bit off for a blurb. It almost sounds like an incomplete sentence and it doesn’t really hook me in to want to read more. What is the <so much more>? I’d suggest starting with a powerful, gripping opener such as a rhetorical question or a short, snappy sentence. Your opener almost sounds like a summary of the story. 

On the contrary, I do like the list of reasons why Jay is drowning - it’s a very creative thing to do in a blurb and I haven’t seen that method used often. It’s executed pretty effectively as well. The metaphor of him physically drowning and also mentally/emotionally drowning due to his brother’s death is really nice and comes through your writing very well. It’s definitely a good hook! 👏

Your next line just sounds a little long and awkward to me. <Jamie Smith has seen Jay struggling to swim ever since he showed up to the cafe in which she worked at two in the morning and generously tipped her.> Perhaps you could split it into two sentences and change the wording slightly which would help make it flow smoother. Something like this maybe?

Jamie Smith has seen Jay struggling to swim for a long time. It started when he showed up at 2am at the cafe where she worked and generously tipped her.

This is just a suggestion but feel free to make your own alterations!

Your next part: <So when he actually falls inside a pool in front of her she doesn't really have a choice.> I think ‘into a pool’ would sound better than ‘inside a pool’. And a comma after ‘front of her’ would help. Like this:

So when he actually falls into a pool in front of her, she doesn't really have a choice.

In all honesty, the ending of your blurb: <So she offers to teach him swimming> isn’t particularly intriguing. Similar to the start, the end of the blurb should ideally leave a reader in suspense or leave them asking questions or basically, make them engaged enough that they want to open your book. I think your ending is quite basic and doesn’t create the above effect. Again, try using a rhetorical question or a one line paragraph with a short, powerful sentence which would grab the attention of the reader and force them to continue.

In summary, I just don’t think your blurb is intriguing enough. The list of reasons why Jay is drowning is the one part I really did like. But a reader may not open your book after reading the blurb, even if the content of your book is amazing. The only way to get more readers is to have a powerful blurb and I think there’s room for improvement in yours. I know writing a blurb is very difficult so please don’t be disheartened or offended by what I’ve said. I would suggest trying to have a strong start and end to your blurb, ask the reader some mysterious questions and pull them in. Create an effect such that the reader has no other choice but to open your book and find out what happens. ❤️

Update: on rereading the blurb, I think you might have been trying to convey an extended metaphor with the idea of Jamie helping Jay to learn how to swim physically but also emotionally i.e. get over the loss of his brother? Or maybe I was just reading into it too much. But if so, I think the extended metaphor is an absolutely great idea and in that case, your title is actually more creative than I initially thought - but I guess the full meaning of that will only make more sense when a reader has read more of the book. 

However, I do think the extended metaphor in your blurb could be portrayed stronger. It was nice and strong in the list but for the rest of the blurb, I only got a subtle hint of that when reading it very slowly and carefully the second and third times - maybe try and put more pronounced clues in because that would be a brilliant way to spice up your blurb and draw a reader in! If you make that more obvious, your last line is actually perfect the way it is! 

OPENING:

I love your first line! It’s so captivating and unique. It immediately drew me in and I was instantly intrigued! Your entire opening is also beautifully written and very captivating - I love how you describe the dilapidated coffee shop in comparison to Starbucks and Jay’s inner feelings and throw in the detail about his brother, shocking the reader. It comes together really nicely and definitely makes me want to read more! Great work!

TECHNICAL ACCURACY:

Your technical accuracy is really very good. You have great sentence structures and word choices and I can tell you’ve put a lot of thought into your writing. It’s definitely not rushed. You have minimal mistakes too in terms of spelling/punctuation/grammar. I noticed a few minor errors but overall, it’s really well written. 

A few examples from your first chapter:

When Jay says: <I think it should be called Brew room>, a capital ‘R’ for Room would work better. 

You wrote <Touché> but missed out the full stop at the end. I noticed you did this quite a bit so do look out for that in future. 

This part: <“I mean, we did get snappy with each other within a minute of talking.” He began, before stopping when he saw Jamie giving her a look.> Did you mean ‘giving him a look’? Might just be a typo or did I misunderstand? 

<It’s the thought which counts.> There’s nothing wrong with this but it might sound better as ‘it’s the thought that counts’ instead? Just a suggestion.

<...four years older to him.> It should be ‘four years older than him’.

These are very minor things I’ve spotted; overall your technical accuracy is really, really good and much better than a lot of books I’ve read on Wattpad so great job! These can easily be fixed during editing so it’s nothing to worry about. 😊

PLOT AND FLOW:

I love how your plot progresses. You keep hinting about Adi’s death and it makes me so curious as to how he died and what Jay’s involvement is. You build the mystery really well! Jay’s inner thoughts are expressed wonderfully and I can really feel his emotions. His interactions with Jamie and his friends are really interesting too and how you portray their relationships - I didn’t find your book boring at all. I also love the way you start and end new chapters. It’s really very creative and leaves you wanting more. 

As I said before, the descriptions are amazing! They’re really detailed and feel so realistic. There was only one point I thought could be improved - when Jay is having the dream about Adi and he gets cuts on his faces etc., I believe it could be more vivid and that would have a greater effect! 

Your pacing is at a really good level as well - but maybe the football scene in C3 could be simplified a little? It felt just a little dragged on. Your dialogues are also very good - I liked the funny jokes about getting diabetes and the contrast with the serious dialogues about his brother.

If I’m being very picky, I’d suggest you try not to have long paragraphs about Jay’s backstory and rather integrate it slowly throughout the book, but the way you’ve done it is also good - this is very minor! 

A minor technicality - you said <It says rew Tow on the sign> in Chapter 2 when Jay is talking to Dave but it actually said ‘rew To n’ - just a small thing I noticed that you could change. You could say: “It says rew Tow or something like that on the sign.” That might work better. 

Also, when you said in C3 after the dream, <the smirk she usually had on> - it kind of sounded odd because he only met her once so how did her smirk become ‘usual’? Maybe you could rephrase it. 

Your ideas are really nice and come through your writing very well - your plot is interesting and a very good read regarding the chapters I read so far. I’d love to see a better blurb that accurately represents how good your writing is because it really doesn’t do your work justice! 

CHARACTERS:

Jay is portrayed really well - I love the inner conflict he has and how you describe how much his personality has changed since his brother’s death as he used to be cocky and confident but now he’s quite rude to Izzy and just tired and hurt all the time - it’s a very good contrast. My only point, when he met Jamie at the coffee shop for the first time and he already couldn’t stop thinking about her after only meeting her 10 minutes ago, it seemed a little unrealistic and rushed to me but maybe that’s just my personal viewpoint.

Jamie is expressed as a fun, lovely person. I liked her from the get go. Your other characters are also well rounded and each have their own little traits - I especially liked Jay’s disgust to Izzy’s unbearable optimism haha but I think you’ve already shown that really well through your writing and you don’t have to explain it to the reader as well.

OVERALL ENJOYMENT:

Overall, I really did enjoy the few chapters I had time to read. Your story is written very well and your greatest strength is definitely descriptions and plot/characters because I really feel a connection with Jay and his friends and I love the gradual progress of your plot and the different events that are taking place. Your detailed descriptions are beautifully written and I can tell you’ve put a lot of effort into writing this. 

Really, I was being very picky with my suggestions and your story is a really good read! I only think the blurb could be enhanced and if a few minor things are altered, your book will be golden! 

I’m sorry that I couldn’t read more of your book and that this review was quite rushed, I’ve just been busy so I couldn’t put as much focus and effort in your work as I should have!

But I hope this review has been useful - let me know if there’s any part of this review you don’t quite understand or don’t agree with and I am more than happy to have a further discussion. Also, don’t hesitate to PM me if you ever need any more advice or support, whether it be in the next few weeks or the next few months - I can always help out!

Good luck on your writing journey and I wish you all the very best! ❤️