Adira by  shyawkwardblackgirl

Review by @renegxde



Title

I love the font that you have used for the title. It’s incredibly unique and sets the tone for the book to! It’s so interesting and different.

I think you made it into the regular font by the time I was done with this review. But, I really liked the old one as it was unique and even when you search for Adira, it’s the only book that comes up.


Cover

I love the colours of this cover. The fiery nature of her personality can be easily absorbed through the contrasting colours. The image selection is very powerful, and I love it so much, great job! The raging fire and complementary deep blues work well together to bring life to the essence of this book.

The gentle and fiery nature of the main character can be seen through this cover. I love the quote that you place, “A queen born to rule—“ It immediately made me realise that Adira is not a person, but a place. It’s definitely intriguing, great job!

After reading the first line of the blurb, I quickly understood that Adira, is indeed, the person. I highly suggest moving the quote above and away from the main title as it may cause confusion.

I would suggest better blending mechanisms and some overlays of smoke that gives more power to her true form. Maybe a crown seated on her head would also compliment the quote in a strong way.

Using gradients for the fonts is a great choice, but be sure to not make them too complicated. You can see rays of different coloured oranges and yellows over the quote where I would recommend just one that goes over the entirety of the text. I also recommend a silver tone colour for your name at the top. And try to keep a small distance between the name and edges of the cover for better aesthetic appeal.

If you need help with this, be sure to pm me and I would love to assist you!


Blurb

The brief introduction shows us a good insight into the premise of the story. The information that you have plugged in is in good amount and does the job that many blurbs cannot. I believe you can really achieve the perfect summary with some adjustments to the grammar, prose and sentence structuring.

“ADIRA.”
Usually I don’t like the usage of capitalisation where not required especially in the blurb. This is a completely suggestive comment, but I would recommend keeping them in the normal form to avoid confusion that ADIRA may be an abbreviation.

“Always she felt as if she has never been like her sisters.”
This sentence beats around the bush a bit too much. I understand the intent and information wanting to be portrayed, but I recommend simplifying the structuring to avoid confusion. The key issue is the usage of, “always—“ in the beginning.
Suggestion: “She always felt different from her sisters.”
I tried to maintain the simple wording that you have used to retain the writing style. However, I urge for you to use your own voice to create a personal and unique writing style.

“The princesses were all promised to the neighbouring kingdom, to which she ends up with the oldest brother; AZAI.”
The next sentence is run-on. There are two whole important plot details that you have merged together. Personally, I believe if the information is this important, you should separate it and give it enough attention. This will subconsciously tell the audience what you think is important for the story that you have created.
Suggestion: “The princesses were all promised to the neighbouring kingdom’s princes - (add the name to give a better look into the world created). Adira is promised to the oldest brother - Azai.”

I have removed the capitalisation as there is not requirement for it. The introduction of characters don’t actually require it.

The scene that you have added definitely gives insight into the premise of the book. I definitely know what to expect from the dialogue and narration that you have added. It’s informative and clear, great job!

I do recommend that you reduce the length of this scene description. When the scene started, I was a little confused, so I believe that you can begin somewhere in the middle. Perhaps at, “I’m your lover—“ This takes us directly into the important emotional quality of the scene and shows us the exact parts that we need to know more of to progress into the depths of your story!

I recommend the ending to stop after the dialogue, “I’m serious.” This shows the aggressiveness of his character and the exact premise that the story is going to undergo. However, this is definitely up to you!

“She turned around. Facing him.”
These are the components of one sentence.
Suggestion: “She turned around to face him.”
Or: “She turned around, facing him.”

I noticed that there are a lot of missing full stops and commas at the dialogues. Whenever you place a dialogue speech first, for eg:
Suggestion: “”I’m your lover now (place a comma)” (Capitalise the first letter) He whispered—“
This edit needs to be added to all of the dialogue speeches made in the blurb because they all lack the comma and the full stop wherever it is required.

When the dialogue speech comes after, you place a full stop at the end.

“—another man adira,—“
Capitalise the first letter of the name.
“—another man Adira,—“

“ do I—“
Space before the ‘do’ and capitalise the ‘D’.
Suggestion: “Do I—“

For these kinds of edits, I recommend finding an Editor that will point out these errors through the course of the book. You can always try - Under the Moonscape book by themonocommittee!

Writing Style
“Of that she knew.”
Personally, I don’t think it’s a good idea to start sentences off like this. It sounds incomplete and irregular. Since this is also a different paragraph, the thought does not link to this sentence. In this sentence you are talking about the previous thought if you need to do that then try to keep the sentences together, to keep the flow continuous.
Suggestion: “She knew she was different (or another synonymous word).”

“She looked different, she felt different.”
Vocabulary becomes a very important component in writing especially when you choose to exploit repetition. I love the way you’ve tried to add emphasis here, but to definitely add an effect, you need to expand your vocabulary. Usually I used to find synonyms on Google whenever I wrote, this subconsciously increases your word library and becomes a natural response to substituting words while you write.

“—with her mother, having never really—“
I believe in places like this, it’s good to change up the way you write these sentences. Try to change the verb form of the word to introduce a different sentence structure, this will also keep your audience interested with every word.
Suggestion: “—with her mother as she never really—“

Descriptions

When you introduce the past history of our main character, it is definitely worth it to go into some form of emotional depth and history about her last relationships. “A month later (add comma) she found him with another lover.” I would have loved to know more about this. Maybe you can try to explain and expand the information you show her as it creates a basis for Adira’s character. Since we are just being introduced to her, it would create more depth and give off a more 3 dimensional form to her.

The next descriptive and narrative opportunity would be to understand how Adira had killed and burned this ex-partner! It was such a shock reading that statement. I love the plot story and how fast we understand the premise, however, these details will be much better envisioned if explains in more depth.
I urge you to go beyond, “A moment of blind rage—“ This seems like a lot more than just blind rage. Personally, if I had to go about this, I would explain the details of the night, what she saw when she found out that this man was cheating on her and how she killed her.

I completely understand if you want to keep the suspense for the later chapters, however, you need to add some foreshadowing rather than missing information. Explore your writing style to understand the difference between talking about a mystery and hinting at a mystery. Maybe instead of saying that she killed him, you can suggest it.


Technicalities

“.when she—“
Punctuation error.
Suggestion: “.When she—“

“It frustrated her, nonetheless, she would—“
I believe to state a contradictory point, you would also require to add a ‘but’. However I am not quite sure! I just wanted to point it out, in case you would like to check it out.

“She killed him, burning him.”
Tense Shift or Grammatical Error.
Suggestion:
Grammatical Error: “She killed him by burning him.”
Tense Shift: “She killed and burned him.”

“—towards men since, only using them for their bodies—“
Grammatical Error that leads to a Tense Shift.
Suggestion: “—towards men ever since. She used them only for physical comfort—“

“—,known as the cold one.”
Suggestion: “—known as, “The Cold One.””

“Their lovers never came close to her, afraid.”
I was a little confused by this statement because of the placing of the comma. Do you mean to say that the lovers are afraid of her or she was afraid of getting close to them? Inline comment here and I would love to help you out!

“Their he stood.”
Grammatical Error.
Suggestion: “There he stood.”

I urge you to re-read and recheck the contents of the book for grammatical errors, missed capitalisations in the beginning of every sentence and for names, full stops and right usage of commas. With these changes, I believe your writer’s voice can really come together!


Storyline

I believe that this story has a lot of potential. There’s a lot of thick mystery and intrigue coming up by the end of chapter two already! The pacing of the plot is definitely good and keeps the reader going. I believe with the help of an Editor, your book definitely has an interesting story to tell.

The conclusion in the first chapter leading to the introduction of the main plot was a little abrupt. I feel like you rushed the process to get to the main storyline which is not required. When Adira sits down with her sisters and mother, you can take some time to explain each sibling and their relationships. Build a base level of descriptions to which we, as the readers, can claw onto. What I love the most about books are strong characters after good plots. Build that structure for her family before introducing us into a different world. This way we will be more invested in her characters, her family’s and the world that you have created.

I believe that the Prologue could be the Chapter One for the book as it creates the base for the story that has already begun in Chapter One. I love the detailed movements of the day in the first chapter. It definitely shows good pacing through the book and is very interesting. I, especially, wanted to know why Adira’s mother was bathing her? Is it a royalty thing? It was definitely a good sequence of things happening.

I hope this review was not too harsh! I truly believe that your book has the potential to be exceedingly good. I hope you consider revising and getting an editor to see mistakes in the grammar, prose and sentence structuring. This will definitely add levels to your book! Good luck and keep writing!