Death in the Hotel

Birdsongfuzz

Focus: The Beginning chapter – family dining scene. I have stressed every subcategory to incorporate suggestions for this section.

Book Cover

Perfect description and imagery for your book. Absolutely astounded by the choice. It sets the tone for a thriller/horror series. The lighting within the image, the colour theme, the contrasting details and the angle chosen is wondrous. It gave me the exact information I was looking for as soon as I read the title. Amazing job, love!!

I'm usually not a fan of Serif font, but again, you nailed it too! It fits perfectly with the classical architecture context of the building. The font and the architectural style bring the cover together, there is a complete flow of information and ah, I love all of it. My only concern is the alignment of the "in the" with the two main words. I would suggest placing the "In the" at the starting of "Hotel" (specifically the H). That is literally my only comment.

A suggestion, I don't know if it would add more effect to the cover, but it is worth the try. Why don't you test out two different fonts? One for "Death" and "Hotel" and a cursive font for "in the". Or try different combinations? Completely up to you. I think it looks great!

I love that you have used your own name. I love the positioning. I could go on and on! Kudos to you (or whoever designed it)! I absolutely love the banners too!

Blurb

I love the intrigue that you have tried to accomplish within the summary. There's a lot of unanswered questions that drives the plot/storyline making me want to continue into the book.

The division of the two summaries is concerning. I got confused seeing two different blurbs that are saying the same thing. I believe that you should choose one because in the end the information that each one gives out is the same, however, the tone differs. I love the intrigue that you are trying to accomplish in the first one, so I believe that is something more informative and detailed to work with.

"Two innocent girls with a lively present (full stop) one sinister hotel with a dark past."
This is a great line to start off with. I love everything about the plot beginning from the starting just like your story does. Great execution on your part!

The next line does not translate. There's a lack of cohesiveness between the choice of vocabulary and the sentence structure which I have also noticed in the book. I think when you place a word into the sentence structure, you need to make sure that the definition of the word (and the form of the word: verb, adjective or adverb tense) is right. Otherwise, it leaves the reader a little confused. Usually, I try to do this with my writing as well. Being inclusive of complex words is a great task to go forward with, but I definitely recommend to re-read and understanding the impact that it gives. I usually perform this task with a fresh mind. It allows you to take a whole new perspective of the sentence.

Example: "They crossed each other's paths because of the maliceful doings of the cruel fate!"
In this case, I understand the point you are trying to make completely. You want to state that their friendship goes through tests due to the situation that they are in. However, the sentence structure makes it bulky and run-on. As I have read some chapters, this bit did also not translate since they were already friends?

My suggestion: "Their friendship is put to the test when they enter the Classio."
Personally, I usually like blurbs to be short and crisp directly leading to the intriguing plot with chunks of the storyline missing. I think it is important to make sure that each sentence in the blurb is thoroughly analysed to understand if there is a different point being made in each. Each sentence needs to be unique with fresh information to attract the interest of the reader. Once you overwrite one scenario, especially for a blurb, I think it becomes run-on. Of course, this is a personal opinion because I have seen many different blurbs working in different formats.

I highly recommend rewriting the third sentence: "No one expected... (till)... in the past."
My suggestions to keep your style of writing while editing would be; "No one knew what would happen next. Their annual staycation has become a horrid twist of events." (only a suggestion that I think would be good with your style of writing). By using sentence stops, you build up the intrigue. I have noticed a lot of them inside the book, and I recommend you bring that strong writing voice to the front. Be as bold as you can be with short sentences. It causes shock and interest with every involuntary pause!

"Two alleged suicides took place in the hotel five years ago, and some more were about to take place in the near time."
This sentence is an example of the sentence structure that I had mentioned earlier. By splitting it into two, you can make these two individual and important points absolutely more intriguing. The first point highlighting the suicides and the second is the hint towards a homicidal story. The importance of these extremely intriguing points is taken away when you combine them together.

Having said that, I do believe in some cases that you can make contradictory phrases such as; "Two alleged suicides in five years make the girls question their future." (suggestion but of course you know your work better, just a mere thought) I think if you can manage to proceed in this method of sentence structure where you reduce run-on and bulky words with concise structure, it's also a strong voice that you can ripen!

I like the excerpt from the option below the asterisk. I suggest you add one of them as it directly relates to the way you have written each chapter. It's such an interesting detail when I connected them to every ending of the chapters. My concern with the one you have chosen is that it is a little confusing for a new reader if they stumble upon it. Since these quotes have been used through the book, I would suggest making a unique one for the blurb (I am not completely sure if that's the right way because then it would not be an excerpt, maybe you can just include it as the ending sentence).

These two styles are completely dependent on your opinion and what you prefer. After all, this is where your writer's voice will come out and be bold. You know you can pm me for anything so please do if you need help with this!

Writing Style

I love love love the quotes, the beginning voice that speaks in my head and the ending chapter conclusions that scares the hell out of me. These details literally had the umph that many books don't. You have somehow managed to add tone and volume to your writing?? Are you a sorcerer? I loved every aspect of this.

In the prologue, I loved the pacing of the story and plot placing the right amounts of intrigue and mystery. I do think that you could have described the atmosphere a bit more especially with the first sentence. "The office table was littered with files." I think you can build up on the essence of the room to really grab hold of the reader's attention to become a part of the world that you are introducing us to. I recommend visualizing the scene in your head, writing down the factors that you would think are in front of this character in the scene and setting it out one-by-one. When I first started doing descriptions, I began with using stock images and recreating those scenes by describing them to the fullest. Now due to the practice I gained from then, I can create these scenes in my head as a base and write them as I see it. It's a strenuous process but very worth it!

There is a consistent tone being used in the writing that differentiates from the girl's journey and narration of what is happening. It is a small voice/tone that comments on the situation constantly. For example, in the prologue: "But whose?" In chapter two; "But what they did not know was that they were being flown missing their flight." These comments suggest a mysterious theme that works outside of the narration, directly being related to the ending of each chapter. I would highly recommend making these in italics to emphasize that they are an out worldly perspective.

"The table was filled with varieties."
This sentence is another instance where I would love for you to push your imagination. Describe the plating, the styles of food and bring us into the depths of the characterisation of the dining table. As an analytical reader, I would love to become a part of the world with these little details about the air they breathe and the food they eat. I commend you for adding these details as I further continued reading, but I'm just pointing out the scenarios where I think you can add more spice to!

I loved the level of detailing that you are developing towards the progression of the story. I recommend when editing to place that same method of intuitive detail descriptions to the beginning chapters. I also wanted to bring to light another important factor to make the audience further immerse into your story. To give any description (of place) life, is to create context with time, synergies and emotion. For example, in Chapter Four when the bellboy walks in with the baggage. I would recommend pushing your descriptions further: (suggestion) "The man dressed in monochrome overalls opened the door of the room. The sound of the hefty bags on the black wooden floor contrasts the light reflecting on the hard surface." The details add to the essence of his entrance into the room. The sound will also emphasis that he is entering a room that is quiet, and his being there is odd (which I think you intended).

I would recommend you continue these additional descriptive qualities to fuel your existing skills!

Technicalities

"Her voice was imperiously announcing that her tears were soaked up by the heat of the pain caused by the cruel fate."
I love the detail of your writing throughout every chapter and descriptive/narrative sentence. However, instances like these prove that sometimes you need to refine your usage of complex vocabulary with sentence structure and the information that it gives out. In this sentence you are saying too many things:
i. Her voice
Ii. she was crying/ started crying
Iii. heat of pain suggests - physical pain/ emotional
Iv. cruel fate - her situation which led to her calling 911
These separate instances need to be milked out. You need to be able to separate them for us to understand the severity of the situation that has led to her calling the cops. The more descriptive details you give about this situation, the more time we spend reading it which in turn leads to us (readers) gripping onto every single word. I recommend breaking down your sentences for situations like this.

I have noticed many instances where (personally) I think there is the wrong usage of italicised words. For example, on the prologue: you have made "hotel" italicised and in the further chapters, I noticed places where you have tried to create a stress on details. In the "Beginning" chapter, you have made the words "emerald green" in italics. In the Chapter Three, the use of italics on "the room". From these observations, I understand that you want to put an emphasis on these words. However, the way I understand the usage of italics is to stress emotional context/ details or shock. The descriptions of a person/ place should not be italicised as it takes away from the purpose of bringing attention to particular words.
If the case for the italic words is to bring emphasis on their character descriptions, sadly (my opinion) is that you need to leave it to the reader to remember this quality further into the story. These Easter eggs are things that I absolutely love and hope to see in the progression of the book.

A good example of the right usage of italics would be where you have written "broom" service in the joke that Lisa's dad has said. It causes a stress on the humour and in the right context. It makes a natural connection and adds to the intent rather than overpowering the narration and dialogue.

Chapter Three: "She murmured to herself and concurrently tried to convince..." Split this sentence and distinguished thoughts into two sentences.

Chapter Three: "What made the situations turn against her so soon, everything was fine in there, right?" I recommend splitting the sentence to add intensity.

Chapter Four: "Her excitation (excitement instead?)"

Chapter Four: "stay-able" I definitely think you have stronger skills to describe the quite better.

Dialogue

I absolutely think that you have used dialogue in every aspect to highlight and bring up the characteristics of the two girls and the people around them. My favourite piece is perfectly adapted and well used dialogue which you have amazingly done. Great work, love!

In cases of continuous dialogue, I suggest making the scene come to life to show the essences of the world created. An example of this would be in the Beginning - dinner scene. I love divulging myself into the story and understanding their unique personalities. I would recommend a way to further describe and bring us (the readers) into the scene more. Firstly, the dialogue delivery can be altered. Sometimes starting with - she choked out, "(dialogue)" rather than "(dialogue)" she choked out. (example) This way you set the scene first and proceed to the speech. It allows for you to play with the timing of speech as well. Once you start a new paragraph with a dialogue, it sounds like the conversation is bouncing off the characters at a quicker pace. When you place the descriptive voice/detail first, it causes an involuntary pause to set the scene/ tone/ voice of the speaker. When you would require a great pause in between the speech of one person, it would be beneficial to describe, not only, their actions, but also, add more essence to the scene before continuing their speech. This will leave the audience craving for more character interaction and development rather than reading through dialogue itself.

Storytelling

I usually never make a sub-category for this, but I needed to for praise. The pacing of your story is absolutely perfect. Many books take time delving into the character's personalities and their relationships before getting into the thick of the mystery, but the way you have introduced us with a simple dinner scene and into a thrilling world is amazing. I was never bored with a single chapter or scene or situation. You have done a great job at keeping me on my feet to continue and pry for more.

The character relationships especially Stacy and Lisa are perfectly portrayed through the scenic experiences and dialogue. I loved getting to know them, especially Lisa cause she's my favourite hahaha. I know that I have only touched the surface of the depths of your book, but I hope you continue to make them 3 Dimensional personalities with flaws and positives. The build of their characteristics along with the secondary characters is at a great pace. Stokes is seemingly one of my most interesting characters along with the old lady, and I'm craving to know more.

I believe that your story is unique and your ability to story tell is a wonder. You are direct and showcase the world as it is in your head. The scene where Lisa is introduced into a secret hidden world was perfectly described to the point of imagery in my head. I really hope you continue to edit the technicalities and concerns of mine about the writing style to create a wholesome book. I'm looking forward to seeing more of your strong writer's voice!

Keep writing, love!