Title: Broken Seams

Author: Poison_Rose2

Status: Completed

Focus: Everything

Title and Cover (5/5)

The title is a perfect representation of the themes explored in your story. It reflects Dani's mental state as well as the dark society she lives in. A great choice for your title!

The cover is simple but effective! The dark palette works well for the mood of your story And the layout is pleasing to the eye. You have chosen a clear font the stands out nicely from the background.

Description (3/5)

Your description had a good amount of information included, it was structured nicely – the way it was laid out on the page was pleasing to the eye.

I noticed a couple of writing errors in it that I would like to mention:

Spelling mistake – “fragraments" edit: “fragments"

Grammar mistake – “...it would be best to shattered and destroy...” 

Edit: “...it would be best to shatter and destroy...”

Grammar (2/5)

I noticed typing errors scattered throughout your story, I commented on some as I read, I hope you found this useful.

I would also like to mention some here too:

I noticed that your speech was not always punctuated properly. When writing speech and adding speech tags (e.g. she said, he said etc...) you should put a comma at the end of what's being said, then closing speech marks and the tag should be treated as part of the same sentence. 

Example: “It's fine, don't worry about it.” He said...

Edit: “It's fine, don't worry about it,” he said...

Speech tags should always be treated as part of the same sentence even when using question marks or exclamation marks for the speech also.

Example: “And you know that we can't refuse orders?” The man said...

Edited: “And you know that we can't refuse orders?” the man said...

There were times where you added in unnecessary words within some sentences that made them clumsy to read.

Example: “...the way how Adam rushed up to me before the everything faded to black.” – “how" and “the" (before “everything”) need to be taken out for this sentence to flow better.

I also noticed inconsistency within apostrophe use. You tended to forget to add them in when writing possessive phrases. 

Writing Style (3/5)

You have a very immersive writing style. You set the scene incredibly. The picture of the world outside of Dani's mum's house is bleak! Almost post-apocalyptic. I felt uncomfortable reading about the poor living conditions and the violence involved in such a world. It was chilling, but gripping! This shows great talent indeed.

I am not a fan of the chapter subtitles – where you declare the passing of time. I think it is unnecessary and doesn’t add anything to your story. Having the same thing essentially written twice doesn't work in my opinion – “A year later. 365 days later.” If you want this system in place picking just one would look less indecisive. Also (sorry for banging on a bit) it seemed as though you tied yourself in knots when keeping it up as it became less consistent ad your story went on. Example, “A few moments later. 4 seconds later.” – a “moment" is considerably longer than a “second" so these phrases don't fit together the same.

I loved how you separated flashbacks in italics. You made sure to express how important these sections were throughout the story. I also really liked how random they seemed. It came across as an authentic look at how memories may come back to an individual with amnesia. That was really interesting to read.

In chapter 5, something that Dani thinks within the narration made me stop. “...we'll never be the same people who we once were.” – I thought this line was said too decisively for a character who doesn't remember who she was before waking up in hospital. I think if it said “we don't know if we'll be the same people we once were or not.” Or something along those lines, it would fit your character’s mental situation better.

There was only a couple of times that this occurred, for the majority of the story Dani's amnesia was consistently and authentically portrayed.

Characterisation (3/5)

Characters with amnesia are not easy to write about and you managed to explore Dani's condition really well. It was a nice addition when you got her to express her annoyance at having to constantly greet people who she should know but didn’t, that was a good way to expose her unconscious character traits – traits that are so deeply engrained even amnesia cannot delete them.

Dani comes across as polite, calm and collected. It is really interesting that as her memories are sieving back through she's learning more and more about her pre-amnesia self, but she feels disconnected from that version of herself- this is a very intriguing idea that you have managed to explain subtly through her thought processes and dialogue with others. The only thing I find difficult about Dani is that she tends to have moments where she seems a bit dismissive. She gets to the point of finding out something interesting for the reader, but then shuts the conversation down. She does this a few times and every time she did I found it frustrating. Example: “Forget it. You can explain later. Let’s go.” 

Other characters are very well portrayed. I liked that you don’t give away everything about them all at once – this helped demonstrate how little Dani remembers about them. Remembering to write slower character development is effective and needed for the central theme of the story. 

Adam is complicated he comes across as both reliable and untrustworthy at the same time. I found it fascinating that Dani has an inner conflict about him. Though deep deep down she must trust him or she wouldn't go with him. It'll be interesting to finally find out what the full story is behind their connection.

I found Julie really interesting too. She is straight talking, even tactless at moments. She is obviously a tortured soul – you portrayed that really well. There were moments where I found Dani's reactions to her a bit unrealistic. She doesn't remember her, so therefore she would be seeing her as a stranger. Some things that Julie says to her, for instance, when she tells her that she's better off not finding out about herself, is incredibly brash. This doesn't affect Dani though, she kind of shrugs it off and agrees almost. I think it would be more realistic if she was taken aback by it at first.

Plot (5/5)

The plot of your story is nicely paced and easy to follow. You explore the effects of amnesia on a  individual in a fascinating way and build up the mystery really well – hooking in your reader every step of the way – you raise so many questions that certainly need answers!

Dani planting a seed every time she remembers something is a gorgeous idea! It is a good set up for imagery later on in the story. I hope it is referenced later on in the story.

Danielle's reality gets stranger and darker as the story unfolds. 

Flashes of very dark memories are really intriguing. You played around with my morbid fascination – making me want to explore these aspects of your story more. These memories are but seconds included within the narrative that you managed to show quickly, so quickly they could easily be overlooked but they have the opposite effect, it's those seconds that stuck with me the most. Very clever!

Whilst reading the darker more action packed scenes a part of me was so confused about the world in which your story is set. What era is this? The present or future? After thinking for a while about these missing knowledge gaps, I thought it was quite clever that you wrote it that way for it highlighted the fact that our narrator's memories are not all returned yet and the reader is discovering things about her world and her past at the same time as her.

Overall (21/30)

A story full of great potential. It is interesting and dark. You are incredible at setting the scene and I found myself fully immersed in your story. This story is cleverly structured and I could follow the storyline easily. You do have a few grammatical errors here and there, I would suggest you do a thorough proof read when editing or get someone to help you to edit - there's plenty of editors out there that will be happy to help you. 

Thank you for asking me to review your gripping story. I hope my feedback is helpful.