Title: Dear Clara

Author: engfanatic04

Status: Ongoing

Focus: Plot, characterisation and Grammar.

Title and Cover (5/5)

I love the title. It is simple and certainly fits your story! Those two words “Dear Clara" are constantly brought into your story and stand for many things throughout. Very clever. The subtitle is so intriguing too!

The picture is perfect! I love that the person is caught in the fog, with their hood up. This represents the troubles and strife within the story perfectly! Not being able to see their face is a really good choice – it made me think of the shadow of death and loss. Also the string of fairy lights are not out of place as they represent beautiful moments of hope in your story. I could not think of a better cover picture for your book! The fonts are also well chosen and clear to read. Placed perfectly. I am truly impressed with everything I saw here, well done!

Description (5/5)

Wow what a cleverly written description! You managed to put so much intrigue and so much introduction information in such a small paragraph, not an easy thing to do, I appreciate the skill put into this.

You explain the title in a straightforward way and you wrote such an enticing hook! 

Grammar (3/5)

I noticed a few grammatical errors here and there, though not too many.

There were a few typing errors like missing spaces, punctuation blunders and small word mix ups. I pinpointed some other ones as I read.

You changed the spelling of Stefanie's name to “Stephanie" in another chapter.

Also in chapter 8- your use of the phrase “broke up" confused the context of the paragraph a little bit.  Usually “breaking up" is associated with a romantic relationship coming to an end. In the context of this paragraph “break apart" would work better, I think.

Writing Style (3/5)

Your writing style is intriguing. I loved the use of diary entries to move the plot along as well as reflect on the thoughts of your main character. It was clever and beautifully executed. It was also a good idea to set these sections apart by putting them in italics, it gave the aesthetic that those parts are handwritten and gave your book a clear structure – making your story easy to follow.

Kicking everything off with a letter was a beautiful way to start your story – using it to explain who Clara is and to introduce your main character was really clever. 

I do have some issues within this first chapter however, I believe the writer of the letter full naming herself in the middle seems out of place. I don't think it's needed because the reader finds out her name in just a few sentences later – when she signs it off. Also, I found it a strange way for a teen girl to communicate with a close friend and was distracted a little by it.

I also think it would be nice if you finished the first chapter at the end of the letter and leave out the extra part. The scene with her at the table doesn't add any more necessary details and takes something away from the powerfully written first letter.

Carrying on the letter writing throughout is a great idea and you write each letter consistently, so that it is clearly the same person writing them each time. 

There’s another part where what Mel writes a letter that seems out of character. When she writes – “Might be mom, returning after talking with the counsellor about my situation.” – I think this information should be mentioned within the narration rather than part of her letter to Clara. Similarly to when she full names herself  in the first chapter, I don't believe she would bother to include that when writing to a close friend.

It was a unique and effective choice to write Chris sharing his feelings from Mel's point of view. On the surface it seemed out of the blue, however, to Mel, what he said would’ve seemed out of nowhere and you executed the reality of that wonderfully. Not sharing both of their perspectives in this event was a well thought out choice that showed authenticity within the narrative.

You used a well balanced amount of highs and lows within your story. It is not all doom and gloom, there is hope and joy too. It is always good to remember that an interesting story doesn't only need stressful events full of drama, bright or calm moments are also needed. This gives the reader a chance to settle before the next tough blow occurs.

Gradually including facts about Mel's condition was really well done and very interesting.

The way you described the photo of Mel and Clara was amazing! You subtly communicated the two girl's differing personalities through the poses they held and described their physical traits wonderfully. 

The use of a flashback to explain what happened to Clara was awesome. I loved how you linked the diary to Clara’s death! 

Darker moments in your story were really well written! One heinous act in particular (I'm sure you know which one) truly disturbed me. I had to take a moment after that! This shows how talented a writer you are. Being able to bring such scenes to life like that is an amazing skill.

My final thought within this section is that I love that the letter writing doesn't stop, even when Mel is in such a desperate situation. Whether these letters are physically written or just her thoughts, keeping up the structure you have established was a fantastic idea!

Characterisation (3/5)

Mel starts off as very laid back, I saw her as a shrug in human form. I believe she could've reacted more when Chris kisses her. Seeing as it was her first kiss. He kisses her without warning and she is not in the least bit surprised , which I thought was a bit strange. As the story progresses you do manage to flesh out Mel more. She is an innocent soul who is given a terrible hand. She is going through grief after losing a friend, has health difficulties and goes through unspeakable trauma. She faces it all with such subtle courage. I like that you stay true to her established character traits. An idea you have included within Mel's character is her coping mechanism of seeking beauty in anything no matter how small – when facing such scary uncertainty! That was such a unique character trait to bring to your main character. Inspiring!

Stefanie- an irrational mess of a human, as most bullies seem on the surface. A nasty individual indeed! I did think her part in the story was a bit rushed and lacks background information. As a reader I saw her as just dropped in, irrationally horrible, then disappearing - rendering her as unnecessary to the story really. If you added some information about why she is the way she is, how other students view her etc... I think it will improve this part of the story.

I loved Chris he is adorable and very brave. Telling Mel about his feelings for her was a sweet moment to read. 

However, calling her “not the most attractive person in the world” is a clumsy thing for him to say, especially when he’s trying to ask her out. Mel not reacting to that seems a bit unrealistic. I think this'll be a nice moment to show some vulnerability in Mel; she could either look sad when he says this or call him out on it. The rest of his speech is lovely – he could rush into that after he sees her negative reaction to the meaner comment, as if to back track. Then I think Mel's following reaction would make more sense.

Mr Richards! What a worrying moment between him and Mel. He's sleazy and very creepy. I like how you handled his character. You didn't communicate his motives and gestures in a too over the top way. The subtlety of this encounter made this scene that all the more worrying. Well done! Also thank goodness she has Chris! What a hero he is. I just love him!

Plot (5/5)

I love the plot of this story! It is beautifully paced and very easy to follow. You included deep, emotional situations for your likeable main character. You also include dark mystery and intrigue. This story gets more and more exciting the more you read!

I love how Mel consistently writes to her dead friend “Clara" and how you use her unread letters to communicate, to the reader, Mel's thought processes within the various situations she faces.

The way you built up positivity gradually into Mel's established bleak life was very well executed. You got me! I truly thought things were picking up for her and my heart soared for her fortune. This high within the story truly made her terrifying fate hit hard. Structuring your story this way was a well thought out way to manipulate your reader's emotions. Brilliant!

Overall

A story with great potential! It has a well thought out main character and incredible twists and turns. This story went in a direction that I didn't expect and I can’t for the life of me predict what will happen next! A very exciting story with only a few corrections to iron things out here and there. 

Thank you so much for asking me to review your exciting story! I hope you found my feedback helpful.