WARNING: mild language

Hey~,

I finally  Chapter 11 for 'Shocked' today, I hope you all enjoy it. 

A lot of things have been happening to me in the last six months, and most recently, the past few weeks and I want to get this of my chest, before I go into depression.

Firstly, I'm unfortunately at the stage when I really have to decide what I want to do when I finish school. This has been what has causing most of my stress. I didn't know what I wanted to do and I have put making that decision off up until recently. Also, the school decided to cram in information about scoring point system that would help us decide and get into uni courses (Americans, you guys might call university college but where I live, it's called an university) on the last week of term, right after all the exams and decide on subject choices for the next 2 years of our schooling lives. It felt like one wrong choice and you're screwed for the rest of your life. Also, I have my teachers telling me to take the more advanced classes because apparently, I'm a really smart student and get good grades but I don't know if I can handle it.

I also have to complete this challenge for an extra-curricular activity that would normally take about 2-3 years to complete and it needs to be done before my 18th birthday but since I started it late, I only have a year and a half to do it. Fan-f*cking-tastic. My mum basically pressured me into doing it because apparently, it would really good on my resume when I apply for a job. I didn't even wanted to do it because I knew I would be really busy with school work next year but 

My mum is also the main cause for most of my stress. I did piano lessons when I was five and I have been doing piano exams as well. When I was younger, she gave me a choice whether to continue piano or not before I got too serious. Even though it was my choice, I still did it because I was afraid my Mum and my other relatives would be upset at me if I decided not to so I said yes. Honestly, I regret that decision now.

I'm afraid to express my interests, especially, the fandoms I'm a part of (Ninjago, Code Lyoko and Miraculous Ladybug), to my friends and family, afraid they would judge me, telling me it's too childish for my age (I'm 16, I think that's only personal info I would tell you) and a waste of time. I always hide what on my laptop and unlock my phone away from my family so they would never find and see what fandom material I have and use it to make fun of me.

My friends are another one of the causes for my stress. This probably not going to make sense so I'm going to give them fake names for their privacy: Callie, Lauren, Holly, Zoe, Bailey, Georgia, Tazmin, Lara and Stella. Lately, Callie, Lauren, Georgia, Holly, Zoe and Bailey have formed their own sub-friendship group (or clinging together) and it feels like they forget everyone else exists. Everyone else (me, Lara, Stella and Tazmin), we're all pretty awkward (in other words, doesn't socialise unless necessary, except Tazmin) and we always seem to be left out, to a point where they don't even say hello to me until they see me at morning tea. This had been happening for a while now, and nothing really happened until a few days ago. Stella didn't join us one day at morning tea and Callie's younger sister came to us and told Callie that Stella was sitting alone. Callie left to find Stella and I said to everyone else "You FINALLY notice us once we do something f*cking crazy!" and left. I started an email conversation with Callie a couple days ago, this is what happened:

Me: hi. i just wanna know how've you been since we've only talked once today and it was really awkward

Callie: I'VE BEEN GOOD HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!??!    

Me: could be better. you know, my first email was meant to be sarcastic

Callie: oh Why???

Me: isn't that meant to be a signthat i'm f*cking p*ssed at the moment?

Callie: I guess. But why are you annoyed???

Me: you want to know why i'm upset? because you, lauren, georgia, bailey, zoe and holly have like your own friendship circle and it feels like you guys forget that everyone else exists    

Callie: We don't mean to

Me: do you actually mean that? cause it doesn't feel like it

Callie: I'm serious

Me: how serious?

Callie: As serious as serious can be

Me: (still hasn't replied)

So yeah, that's about it. Honestly, I don't know whether I should leave them or not because I've been friends with Callie and Stella since the start of high school and I can't socialise at all, let alone make some new friends.

And to top it off, I have assignments to complete, exams coming up, a subject that DOES NOT make sense what-so-ever and a lot of writing to do. Again, fan-f*cking-tastic.

I'm sorry if you decided to read this depressing post but I wanted express my feelings somehow and what better way to explain why I have been slacking off on my story updates too, huh? (Sarcasm for those who didn't get it). I don't really expect any sympathy from this, this was something to (hopefully) make me feel better by writing it up (well, typing it up in this case).

Bye

- queen123414