031

Dawna: 24
Pixie: 21

Sorry babe, I'm ashamed
That you caught me sinking
The Faim; Human

Anger crept through her veins as her eyes watched farmers begging her to safe their precious harvest. The pale Queen could not care less about their wellbeing and their food since she was always safe and well-fed. Their words made her feel annoyed, especially since it was not of any concern to her.

Looky had settled on her lap and was half-asleep while his owner had to go through the most boring afternoon of her life whilst her aunt stood behind her and watched silently as her niece spoke to yet another citizen in need.

'I cannot help you,' her voice hissed. 'I am not one of the Gods so pray to them, not to me. Next!'

The poor farmer shook his head before slowly making his way out of the room anyways. No matter how bored the pale woman was she did enjoy the amount of power she had compared to all her subjects.

A young woman walked in with a baby on her arm, causing Dawna to feel nauseous within seconds.

'How may I help you?' her harsh voice asked before she rolled her blue eyes as the baby started to cry. 'Could you please shut that thing off?'

The woman shrunk just a little before her brown eyes found her Queens. 'L-Last night, our b-barn burned down and n-now we have nowhere to g-go,' her weak voice whispered. 'If w-we don't find anything s-soon our newborn w-will die.'

'What makes you think that I care? If anything, you are the one wasting my precious time here.'

'Please, my Queen, I am begging of you to safe my daughter. She is not even a month old and she won't survive the night. I-It's so c-cold. Please, your M-Majesty.'

Her begs filled the room and went through stone, yet they did not weaken a single emotion in Dawna, except maybe for boredom and irritation. This woman should be grateful to have her daughter in the first place.

'Next!'

'No, no, please your majesty I'm begging you! Have you never had a daughter or someone to care for? Please, you have to help me. I can't lose her, I can't. Shes all I have left. Please.'

Her begs once again meant nothing to the Queen as she waved her hands, signalling to her guards. 'Show her the door, will you?'

Her bright blue eyes watched how the young mother got dragged out of the room and still she felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.

A deep sign left her lips before she turned to her auntie, who was standing right besides her as usual. 'I truly cannot stand hearing another citizen beg for something I can give them but will not. Can I be excused?'

'Why bother asking?' Delphinium spoke. 'I will stay her and handle those beggars until you come back, and if you do not then I will stay here until the line is gone.'

'Thank you, auntie,' she whispered before placing a kiss on the other womans cheek. 'You are a lifesaver.'

'Do not mention it, unless, of course, you want to pay me by throwing a ball for me or by giving me a brand new and sparkling dress. I will never reject those things.'

'Obviously,' the pale woman grinned. 'I will keep it in mind, perhaps your birthday can come soon this year.'

The two women said their goodbyes before the white-haired woman quickly walked out of the castle to the garden. It was no secret that Dawna could not handle anger, or any feelings for that matter, very well which led to an occasional outburst. She could feel it building up inside of her. It felt like she had been cooking water and now it was finally reaching the point in which it was boiling. Her anger was on the edge of boiling when she had left the castle, but now that she was all alone in the garden it reached that point.

A loud scream left her plump lips, followed by a rush of power and energy that caused a strong wind to blow the leaves of the trees. Another scream left her lips and this time one of the stone statues burst apart, spreading its small crumbs everywhere.

Dawna felt so much anger and so much irritation that she could have blown up the entire realm within seconds, if a small voice had not stopped her that is.

'It's today isn't it?' the voice asked, causing the pale woman to turn around immediately.

Pixie stood at the beginning of the garden with a frown resting in her forehead. They both knew how dumb she was being for coming out here while her Queen was not in the best place, yet it was typical Pixie to seek the most dangerous situation out and act out in it.

'What do you want?' Dawna hissed angrily. 'Go away before I seriously harm you.'

'You won't,' the dotted woman spoke while taking a step closer. 'I know why you are acting out like this; it's because today is the day Neveah died, isn't it?'

The Queen clenched her jaws angrily yet said nothing. There was no comeback, no denial; which said more than words ever could.

'Go away, you are such a waste of space.'

'I'm a waste of space now? Good, reject it all on me instead of those poor statues; they must have cost a fortune so it would be a bit sad if they were destroyed like that.'

Dawna rolled her bright blue eyes, feeling even more annoyance enter her being. 'Why do you always show up at the worst times? I am having a moment here.'

'I could tell,' Pixie replied as she walked even closer. 'So, can this man,' the dotted woman, pointing towards the head of the stone man. 'What did he ever do to you?'

'He did nothing; you on the other hand did.'

A sigh left her lips before she shook her head. 'And I'm trying to be a better person now, am I not? At least I am trying to chance since I know that what I did was wrong, and I am sincerely sorry. How many times do I have to repeat this?'

'At least a million more times, or until I have forgiven you.'

'The first one it is then,' Pixie spoke with regret in her voice.

Dawna knew that the dotted woman was sorry for betraying her, yet that did not mean that she trusted her again. Pixie had played with her feelings and with her secrets by selling all of it to the resistance, for that she had to pay. Perhaps not with her life, but the Queen accepted other payments too in this case.

'Do you want to talk?'

'About what?' the pale Queen sneered angrily. 'Why should I talk to you? Who knows who you are going to sell my words to this time? Some other citizens that are angry or an enemy who want to take me down?'

'You don't have to,' the dotted woman spoke.

'Obviously.'

'I wasn't done talking, my Queen. You don't have to talk to me but at least find a way to express your feelings. You can't break things because it won't make you feel any better. Dawna, you lost your daughter, it isn't nothing. Losing a child is a pain that will never fade.'

'What do you know about it, huh? Your son is up there, very much alive and breathing.'

'I thank the Gods everyday for him, believe me I do, but I lost my husband. Mathias was the love of my life and I lost him, the only thing that reminds me that he was real is our son, our perfect little boy. If it wasn't for Loöys I wouldn't have got through this, he is the reason I wake up every day and he is the reason I can fall asleep with a smile on my lips. Now, I know that garbage would have been a better husband then Rafferty, but you have to find something to life for as well; something that makes you feel worthy and loved.'

'Can we please not have this conversation?'

'Why not? Because you are afraid to love someone? Because you believe that opening up will lead to another death?'

The earth around them started to tremble as the Queen breathed heavily through her nostrils. Pixie's words had only upset her even more. I did trust someone, and that person put a knife straight through my spine.

Her blue eyes noticed the way the dotted woman shrunk just a little before her eyes found hers again. 'Fine, I know that you are mad at me and you have every right to be so. But your loss isn't going to hurt less if you yell at me and it will most certainly not hurt less if you destroy every living thing within this palace. So yes, you can be angry, but you can't keep living in that anger, especially not if you are actually sad and heartbroken. You never allowed yourself to mourn your little girl while you should've done it. Why are you so afraid to mourn her? Why are you so afraid to accept her death?'

'Can you stop this integration? Why would I tell you all of this?'

'Because right now, I'm all you've got, and I know that you don't want to live like this forever. No one does, so put aside your pride and tell me what makes you afraid.'

The two women simply started at each other for a couple of minutes. Dawna was trying to control her anger and her feelings. All she wanted to do was strangle someone or burn down an entire village, yet part of her knew that the dotted woman was right. The pale Queen had not accepted the loss of her little girl and she had not mourned properly, simply because she could not. She was too afraid that it would mean that Neveah had never been there. There was no painting, no visible proof that the little Princes had ever even existed; the only ones that knew about her were her aunt, Pixie, the midwifes that were there and herself. If she allowed herself to grieve for her little daughter, then how would she know that Neveah had been real?

'You were eighteen-years old when she was born, right?'

Dawna slowly nodded as she sat down on a fallen tree trunk. Pixie's words cut like a knife through her heart and the last thing she needed at that point was to relive all of it. Yet, part of her forced her to stay and have this conversation, knowing that the way she was coping with the aching and loss was not the right way to do it.

'Some people assume that when you are eighteen-years old it means that you are an adult, but in most cases this is false. You turn slowly in an adult over the years so there is no way to decide when you are no longer a child. Psychically you can be defined as an adult when you have created a stable identity for yourself, but since you never had a chance to do so that would mean that you are still a child,' the dotted woman spoke, causing a soft chuckle to leave her Queens plump lips. 'In some ways I think that's true, but in so many others it isn't. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that you were still a child when you gave birth and you had no clue what was happening, right?'

The pale woman nodded before moving aside just a little so the other woman could sit down on the tree trunk too.

'You have to let the guilt go, Dawna. Her death was not your fault at all. I know that her navel string was wrapped around her little neck during the labour, just like I know that she doesn't blame you either. The only person that thinks that you are responsible is you. Right now, you are your own worst enemy and you are the demon that haunts you.'

The first tear left her blue eyes as she could feel her heart ache and fear spread through her veins. Dawna truly hated having this kind of conversations, yet she could not walk away anymore. The pale Queen had been playing hide and seek with her inner demons and feelings for too long now.

'What if I forget about her? What if my memory of her fades and I will lose her forever?'

'You can't and won't forget about her and your memories will fade eventually, but perhaps that's for the better. There is a difference between loving someone and holding on to someone that isn't there anymore. Right now, you are holding on to her and you need to set her free. For your sake and for hers. Her spirit stays trapped on this earth until you can release her. Neveah needs to move forwards just as much as you do.'

'I am just so scared to really lose her. All I have is my memory of her little body, the knowledge that I could hold her and her little grave. There is no painting of her and no memoire about her. All I have is this awful pain that reminds me that I did not make her up.'

'Of course you didn't,' Pixie spoke with stern in her voice. 'She was very, very real and she never left you, but don't you think that its time to move on with your life?'

A few more tears crept through her almost invisible eyelashes as she tortured her bottom lip with her teeth. 'How am I supposed do that?'

'It's hard, really damn hart but you just got to do it. Allow yourself to grieve and talk about her death to someone you trust.'

'I can literally count the people I trust on one hand.'

'Well, that's better than nothing, right? You just have to keep talking about her to release the guilt and hurt you feel every day.'

'How do you cope with your husbands lost?' the pale woman asked before facing the dotted woman with pain in her blue eyes. 'How do you ignore the pain?'

'It's simple; I don't ignore the pain, but I don't allow it to take control over my life. I talk to Loöys about him every day and tell him all kinds of stories about us to keep his memory alive. However, it's very different since I had those moments whereas you have no real memories with your daughter. Yet, your pain is just as bad and real. Never doubt that.'

'So now what? I need to talk someone every day about my pain?'

'You don't have to,' the dotted woman spoke. 'However, I do think that it will help you. You have spent years isolation those feelings and look where it got you. Perhaps it's time to change your game plan on this one?'

The white-haired woman nodded before allowing her eyes to drift off to the gorgeous garden, which she had partly destroyed with her anger. 'Thank you for reminding me why I should not have killed you.'

A laugh left the youngest womans lips before she shook her head. 'My pleasure, your majesty, my pleasure.'

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