"To hold on, you have to find something you're willing to die for."

11.

"We're here." Bellamy puts down the map and in front of us is the depot, or what is left of it. It's all just ruins of what use to be here.

"Let's split up, shout if you find something." Bellamy tells me and I nod and walk to my right as he walks to his left. I walk around chunks of metal and concrete hoping to find something until I trip when something catches my foot. I smack into the ground and groan in pain from the impact. I look at my foot and see what I tripped over, a latch.

"Found it." I yell to Bellamy while slowly getting off the ground and wiping dirt off of me. Bellamy walks into view and looks me up and down.

"What happened?" He asks.

"I tripped, good news I tripped over the handle." I move to the side to show him the handle and he tries to pull it up but it won't budge. He grabs his axe from his belt and raises it and slams it down on the handle making it unlock. He pulls open the door and let's me go first. What a gentlemen. I walk down the stairs and the place already creeps me out. There's spider webs and dust everywhere, it smells faintly of rusted metal.

"So much for living down here." Bellamy says behind me and I nod in agreement. We walk around but there's nothing. No signs of any supplies that will help us survive winter. Just barrels.

"Damn it. Anything left down here is ruined anyway." He complains. I can tell he's getting angry. I try to make the situation better by looking more and I open one of the barrels.

"I found blankets." I say as I see what the barrel contains.

"Excited about a couple of blankets?" Bellamy asks angrily. Never mind I didn't help.

"Well, it's something." I sigh.

"How about a canteen or a med kit or a decent freaking tent?" He grunts pushing a barrel to the ground and it spills black liquid onto the floor while making a clacking noise. We both look at each other curiously and Bellamy bends down and grabs something from the liquid and holds it up. A gun.

"Oh my god." My eyes widen. Bellamy grins and stands up and opens the other barrels that all contain the black liquid and guns.

"This changes everything, no more running from spears. Ready to be a badass, princess?" He smirks.

"Already am, but I don't like this idea of having a bunch of criminal teenagers with guns in their hands. Just a thought though." I shrug and he laughs.

"We're lucky the rifles were packed in grease. The fact that they survived means we're not sitting ducks anymore. You need to learn how to do this." He hands me a rifle. I guess he's the only one who doesn't know I know how to use a gun because of Jack. But I'll let him play teacher for a bit. It's fun and actually kind of cute. He grabs a blanket and marks an X on it with the grease and he hangs it up in front of us.

"So I just hold it on my shoulder like this?" I try to act clueless and hold it a little bit too low on purpose.

"Yeah just a little bit higher." He gets behind me and sets the gun the right way on my shoulder and tilts it up. His breath is right on my neck and it sends shivers down my back. I'm now trying to decide if pretending I didn't know how to use a gun was a good idea or a bad one.

"Uh that's good, watch and learn." He pulls away and I immediately want him back again. I've got it bad. He grabs another rifle from one of the barrels and lifts it up getting in the perfect position and shoots but nothing comes out. He stops his stance and pulls the gun down inspecting it.

"Still watching." I joke.

"My bullets are duds. Try yours." He nods his head setting his gun down and crossing his arms. I get into the position Jack taught me and I raised the gun. I eye the center of the X and fire the gun. The bullet ran straight through the middle of the X and I turn to Bellamy smirking.

"Lucky first shot." He shrugs and I raise the gun while still looking at him and shoot without looking at the target. I turn to see I got it right beside the hole I had just made. Bellamys eyes widen and then he glares at me.

"You knew how to shoot, didn't you?"

"Yeah, Jack taught me." I nod my head and his jaw tightens when I mention Jack.

"Anyways, we need to talk about how we're gonna keeps guns around camp, where are we gonna keep them and who has access. You put Miller in charge of the grounder, you must trust him." I say setting the gun down and facing him. He swallows hard and faces me.

"You should keep him close. The others listen to him." Bellamy tells me.

I give him a strange look.

"I should keep him close? Bellamy, what's going on? You've been acting weird all day. All the rations you took..." As I finish, it hits me and I look up at him wide eyed. "You're gonna run. You were gonna load up on supplies and just disappear." I back away and put my hands to my head. He was going to leave. Leave us all. Leave me.

"I don't have a choice, princess, the ark will be here soon." His voice is so gentle like he's scared.

"So you're just going to leave Octavia?" I question. Octavia needs Bellamy.

"Octavia hates me. She'll be fine. You don't know, I shot the Chancellor. They're gonna kill me, princess. Best-case scenario, they lock me up with the Grounder for the rest of my life, and there's no way in hell I'm giving Jaha the satisfaction." He shakes his head. "I need some air." He says walking away from me. He can't just run. He can't do this. I decide to give him his space though instead of running after him. I need to clear my head for a second.

"Taylor." A voice sounds through the room and my head whips around trying to find the source.

"Who's there?" I keep turning still trying to discover who the voice belongs to until I'm not in the depot anymore, I'm back on the ark. I'm in a jail cell, in my old cell. I can't be here, this isn't real. A rattling sound breaks me from my thoughts as I look over to the cell door and see two guards enter in. For a second their faces are blurry but then they come closer and I recognize them. They were the two guards I had killed.

"You don't look too happy to see us, Queen." The one on the right who goes by Mike says with an evil smirk.

"This isn't real, you guys are dead. I killed you both..I.." I shake my head trying to get rid of this nightmare.

"You did kill us, didn't you? No mercy at all. You're a monster." The other one known as John speaks up. Tears start to fall down my face and I don't think I can breathe. I set my hands on my knees and try to focus on my breathing but as I look down at my hands they are covered in blood. My eyes widen and try to get the crimson stains off my hands by rubbing them roughly against my jeans. It doesn't work though. I vaguely remember doing the same thing after I had killed them, I was in such shock I didn't even have time to process because more guards were on their way. I shake my head.

"No, I just wanted to help." I sob out. That's all I ever wanted to do, I never meant to kill anyone but I didn't want to get caught.

"Of course you did, you're just like your mother. But she's dead and soon, you will be too." Mike comes closer and before I know it he has his hands wrapped around my neck. He's squeezing tighter and tighter by the second. I try to pry his arms off of my neck but it's not working. My eyes get blurry from the crying and choking, I blink them away rapidly. Suddenly I'm not in the cell anymore, I'm in the depot again, the only difference is there's a different guy choking me. My eyes widen at the realization and I scratch at his face. It doesn't seem to work so I start I yelling out for help in hopes that Bellamy can hear me.

"Stop fighting me. I'm going to kill you and then Bellamy." He says and my eyes widen. Caught off guard he gets the chance to grab a gun and slam the butt of it into my head. All I remember is him getting up and then I blacked out.

I wake up with my head pounding. I see that I'm still lying on the ground on the depot. I get up groaning and I hear shouting going on outside. I quickly grab the gun I had shot with and run out ignoring the pain I was in. I go outside to see that night had already fallen. I heard grunts and yelling from my right and I walk up the little hill we walked down to get here. I see Bellamy and the guy who was choking me rolling on the ground fighting. I think his name was Dax, he had a gun in his hand but Bellamy was pointing it away from him and shots kept going off into trees. If they don't kill each other, grounders will because they are making a lot of noise.

"Put the gun down, Dax!" I yelled pointing my rifle at him. He turned towards me and starts to shoot. I quickly hide behind a tree and the shooting stops.

"I thought I took care of you." I hear him say and I peek to see Bellamy struggling to keep Dax from pointing the gun at him.

"Sorry but shumway said no witnesses." I heard him say to Bellamy. Shumway? Who is that? I sneak closer and I try to shoot but Dax puts Bellamy in front of him making it impossible not to hit Bellamy. I may be a good shot but I do not want to risk it. While Dax is too busy looking for me Bellamy trips him onto the ground and Dax struggles to get out of Bellamys grip. I see Bellamy looking around him until he picks something off the ground and he slams it into Dax's neck. I see Dax give up and start to choke. I run over to them and Bellamy gets off of him as Dax takes his last breath. Bellamy sits back leaning against the tree behind him and I go and sit by him. I turn to see his face, it's bloodied and covered with dirt and scratches.

"Are you okay?" I ask him as I put my hand on his arm. He looks at me.

"I know, stupid question." I laugh lightly and look down at the ground. We sit in silence for awhile. Until I can't take it anymore.

"Please don't go." I whisper. I feel tears starting to pool in my eyes and I know I won't be able to handle it if Bellamy leaves.

"I have to." He says.

"No, you don't. Octavia needs her brother. The camp needs you. We all need you..." I let the tears fall as I look to him. "I need you."

"No you guys don't. Look how far you've all come. You don't need me." I can see tears pool in his eyes and one tear silently slips from his eye.

"Bullshit. We've only come this far because of you. Don't leave Bellamy. I'll speak to Jaha with you. He will pardon you." I grab his face making him look at me. He looks so broken and defeated. I don't like seeing him like this, he's suppose to be the strong one.

"What if he doesn't?" He questions. I've never seen this look on Bellamy and it makes me hurt.

"Then I will run away with you. But you're not getting rid of me that easy." I shake my head smiling. He stares back at me for awhile until he gives me a smile back. That gives me all the answer that he's going to stay.

"I'm going to hold you to that, princess." He says making me grin.

"Let's get going. We have a long trip home." I say getting up and helping him up as well. I start to walk back to the depot until Bellamy pulls me into him.

"Thank you." He whispers and kisses me on the cheek. Fire ignites where his lips had touched and my stomach ties in knots.

"For what?" I barely get out the words from the sudden rush he caused.

"For being you, princess." He smiles.

The walk back to camp seemed way shorter than when we came but I figured that had to do with me and Bellamy being on a good note. Although a lot of it was silence, the silence was a comfortable one.

As we got to camp we could see the faint glow of fire and hear some people chatting.

"The grounder is gone!" I hear someone shout. I'm pretty positive that was Miller. Me and Bellamy give each other a look and walk into camp and towards the big group of people.

"Let the grounders come." Bellamy cuts them off as we walk up to the group with sacks filled with guns over our shoulders.

"We've been afraid of them for far too long. And why? Because of their knives and spears. Well I don't know about you. But I'm tired of being afraid." Bellamy finishes and looks to me. I nod at him as he does to me and we put the sacks of guns down along with the guns tied to rope. Everyone stares in awe.

"These are weapons, not toys and we have to be prepared to give them up to the guard when they get down here..." I say looking around at everyone. "But until then, they are going to help keep us safe." I finish. I look at everyone's faces, mostly everyone is happy. Until I get to Finn, he doesn't look to excited about the guns but I can't blame him since I wasn't either. Clarke is standing right next to him and she nods her head at me, giving me a light smile.

"And there are plenty more where these came from. Tomorrow we start training." Bellamy adds, "and if the grounders come, we're going to be ready to fight."

Bellamy calls Miller and Connor over and tells them to put the guns in the dropship for right now. They oblige and grab the sacks and head over to the drop ship. Bellamy turns to me and I do the same.

"You ready to talk to Jaha?" I hold my breathe. The longer he puts it off the longer it's going to worry him and I'm not going to lie it's going to worry me as well.

He nods his head and we both walk towards the dropship and enter the area where the monitor is. There's a guard sitting there so I ask for Jaha while me and Bellamy put on the headsets placed on the table in front of us. While we wait for Jaha I see that Bellamy looks nervous. He's bouncing his knee and twiddling his thumbs. I've never seen him like this. I place my hand on his to calm him down and he stops fidgeting and looks at me.

"You will be pardoned." I whisper and he nods his head.

I look back to the screen monitor to see Jaha come into view and take a seat.

"Bellamy Blake, I've been wanting to talk to you for quite some time now." He says calmly.

"Before you do, I'd like to say something. When you sent us down here. You sent us to die." I tell him but I know he already knows this.

"But most of us are still alive, and a large part of that is because of Bellamy. He's one of us and he deserves to be pardoned of his crimes just like the rest of us." I explain to Jaha. His expressions always makes it hard to tell what he's thinking so I wait.

"Miss Queen, I appreciate your point of view. But it's not that simple." Jaha says.

"It is if you want to know who on the ark wants you dead." Bellamy cuts in. I have to give him credit, he's smart to bargain that kind of thing. Jaha can't say no now. Well I mean he could but something tells me he wants to know who wants him dead.

Jaha looks like he's contemplating it and then finally he gets closer to the screen and speaks.

"Bellamy Blake, you are pardoned for your crimes."

I smile and look to Bellamy and his lips are pulled into a smile as well.

"My friends, this is a historic Unity Day. Every year, we mark the moment our ancestors of the twelve stations joined to form the Ark, but this is the last time we do so while aboard her. Next year, on the ground." Jaha speaks on the monitor in front of what's the left of the 100.

"Right after we did all the work." Miller says from right beside me. I laugh and continue watching.

"Someone shut him up." Some kid shouted. I rolled my eyes.

"You shut up, no ones forcing you to watch." Raven yells from the food area while she's eating nuts and berries. As I'm looking at her she catches my eye and looks away. We're still not on good terms after she electrocuted me. I decided to tune Jaha out because we've all heard this before. Out of nowhere Jasper stands in the middle of camp holding a small barrel.

"Monty strikes again! Call this batch unity juice! Who's thirsty?" He yells making everyone rush up to him immediately. Oh my god Monty made moon shine. I walk up to Jasper after everyone gets their cup.

"Save any for your best friend?" I question him.

"Oh yeah Monty already had some." He joked and I laugh and slap his arm playfully.

"Ha ha very funny. Now pour me a cup, I need it." I say. He grabs one of our canteens and fills it with the poison and hands it to me.

"Thank you so much. Keep a tab open for me." I wink.

As I'm walking away he shouts, "Happy birthday!" My eyes widen and I turn to him and hit him.

"Shut up!" I yell as he rubs his arm.

"Okay, okay. It's not a big deal T." He tells me. I roll my eyes and start to walk away again.

"Don't tell anyone." I say loud enough so he can hear me.

I walk over to the water station to get my regular canteen filled up with water. I walk in the tent and go over to the water and turn it on filling it up. I look into the bowl, the water is a little dirty but I can still see my reflection clearly and it's not pretty. My hair was a tangled mess and very oily, I had dirt and some blood on my face. I also see that I still had a bruise on my chest but the cut seemed to be fine. I need to wash off. I remember when we first got here and I explored a little, I stumbled across a stream. It's only a little over a mile away from camp, I can go and wash off real quick. I grab my canteens and make sure my knife is secure on my belt. I should actually get a gun from the drop ship too. I walk out the water tent and towards the drop ship. When I walk in I see Miller is in the corner sorting out the guns. I walk over to him and look around for one I want. Since I'm not going to far out I think a hand gun will do. I grab the closest one to me and check to see if there's bullets. When I see that there is I click it back into place and shove it in my pants.

"Going somewhere?" Miller asks and I nod.

"Yes, I'll be back in a little bit. I'll only be a mile out going north." I know I have to tell someone where I'm going in case anything happens here at camp or hell even me so everyone knows where to come looking.

"Okay. Be safe." He nods and I walk out and towards monty and Jasper who are still passing out moonshine.

"You guys wouldn't happen to have made some soap?" I question. They share a look.

"You happen to be in luck, I made some the other day but I haven't tested it out yet." Monty says making me follow him to his tent while Jasper keeps giving people moonshine. We enter his tent and he digs around blankets and other stuff he has and he finally pulls out a jar. I notice it's the jar I took from the grounder, I guess they used everything that was in it. He hands me the little jar, the color is a dark red color but I trust Monty. I open it up and smell it and the scent is heavenly.

"I made the scent with vanilla, and juice from honey suckle and I even threw in some crushed berry juice. I know it's safe for both hair and body I just don't know how well it will work." He explains to me.

"It's perfect! Thank you. I'll be back soon." I give him a hug but before I can walk out his tent he stops me,

"Happy Birthday T." I groan. He laughs as I walk out. I should've know that they would remember my birthday, I've only been celebrating with them for 8 years.

I throw the jar in my bag and walk out the front entrance of the gates. Every time I leave the camp I feel so vulnerable to any grounder who is lurking. But I also feel free and it feels nice to get away from everything for awhile. I continue to walk in silence enjoying the nice weather. After 15 minutes I finally arrive to the pond. It's as beautiful as it was last time, with rocks surrounding it and flowers growing alongside the water. I had tested it last time I came and it was deep enough to go below my breast but nothing further.

I set my bag down and I take off my shoes first and then my pants and shirt. I keep my underwear and bra on for obvious reasons and I slide in.

The water is colder than I expected and it wakes me up and sends shivers down my spine. I duck my head underwater making sure I get most of the mud and blood that has piled on from being here off. I run my hands over my face rejoicing in the cool water on my skin. It feels amazing.

I grab the jar that I set on the rock and I pour a bit of the sticky substance into my hand. I rub it in my hands then place it in my wet hair and I start scrubbing. Surprisingly it does get bubbly but not a lot. The scent is strong and it makes me relax. After a couple of minutes of trying to scrub in the soap to get my hair clean as possible I duck my head underwater and I stay there for a few seconds scrubbing my hair in the water. I come back up and continue getting all the soap out. Once I get it all out I get more soap and start to wash my body. I spread it from my shoulders and neck and underarms.

I go towards the shallow end so I can get my stomach and legs. Once I'm finished scrubbing all the dirt off my body I duck myself underwater again and rub everywhere. I feel so clean now and the scent is intoxicating. I step out and slip my clothes back on and head back to camp feeling refreshed and clean. Happy birthday to me.

A/N- Hi, guys! I really hoped you liked this chapter, it was one of my favorites to write. Since the last two chapters weren't too long I decided to make this one longer for you all. It's actually twice as long as the last chapter so there's that. I really wanted to show you guys that Taylor's worst fear is basically of herself. She holds taking two peoples life really deep in heart and she tries to get over it and it may look like she had gotten over it but she still struggles. So that's why I had that as her hallucination. We saw in chapter 9 that she got to say goodbye to her mother properly so that wasn't necessarily something she was scared of so that's why I didn't do something related to her family. I really love Taylor Queen and I hope you all too. Also Baylor seems to be at good terms right now, who knows what will happen next. Thanks for reading, the next chapter will be up soon.