"Can I hear the what happened one more time?" Bowser asked.

As a response, he got everyone talking over each other. And Pit eating Cheetos. And a murderous glare from Corrin. And Wario farting. Bowser facepalmed and groaned in frustration.

"How are we gonna solve this if no one shuts up?" He muttered.

"Not to-a worry. I have-a just the thing." Mario said (I like to think of Mario and Doctor Mario as the same person). He reached into his lab coat and pulled out a familiar object.

hONK!

Everyone instantly stopped talking to see Mario with an air horn. Mario let out a sigh of satisfaction and put down the infamous horn down.

"Perfect-a! Take it-a away, Bowser." Mario said with a grin.

"Thank you, Mario. Now that that's settled, let's deal with this like civilized people." Bowser declared. "First, let's get any million dollar questions you little shits have over with. And RAISE. YOUR. HAND."

In an instant, everyone's hands were up. Bowser scanned the group for a moment before choosing a fighter. "Robin?"

"Why exactly are we here?" Robin asked.

"Because you-a dragged Wario to the police station accusing him-a of commiting a crime and-a they didn't give a fuck. Specifically, Pit, Pittoo, Byleth and-a Roy did. So-a Bowser will-a help you guys instead." Mario explained. "Next?"

Everyone rose their hands again. Bowser eeny-meenie-miny-moed the group before his finger finally landed on Dark Pit. "Pittoo?"

"First, that's not my name. Second, why the Hell are we in glass boxes?" He asked, tapping the glass (CAUSE I'M TAP TAP TAPPING THE GLASS. I'M WAVING THROUGH A WINDOW~ Please tell me you guys get the reference).

Byleth, Corrin, Dark Pit, Lucina, Robin, Roy and Wario were each in glass cubes, isolated from each other.

"We prefer calling them cubicles. Also, none of you brats seem to understand the concept of social distancing, so in case any of you have the virus, the cubicles will prevent you from infecting each other." Bowser answered. "Anyone else?"

This time, Mario was the one to pick the next person. "Hm... Wario?" Mario chose while fanning the "gas" Wario produced.

"Who made Bowser a cop?" Wario demanded, pointing to the Koopa's police uniform.

"That's pandemic officer. I volunteered to take up the job of making sure you retards would stay in your room."

"Since when?"

"Since half an hour ago. ANYWAYS, are you guys done?"

"No, I've got a something important to ask of you. Why is Mario rubbing his feet and shoulders?" Byleth asked with concern.

Mario laughed nervously. "Eh, no-a reason," He muttered, recalling the lasers Samus triggered on him when he attempted to "borrow" her lasagna. "So, can we-a move onto the interrogation?" Mario suggested.

"Right after you tell me why my cubicle is not next to my dearest Lucina," Corrin hissed.

Bowser rolled his eyes. "We've put you guys in alphabetical order. You can make out with your girlfriend after with figure things out." He answered.

"But that's unacceptable! I must be by my precious Lucina! Or else someone will get hurt..." Corrin growled.

Lucina muttered an apology to Bowser and Mario before turning to Corrin with a soft smile. "Don't worry, babe. We can spend time together after they finish their business with us." She said.

"Okay." Corrin answered happily (that how you deal with a Yandere, my dudes).

Bowser took a deep breath and rubbed his hands together. "Okay, who wants to give their testimony first?" Bowser asked out loud.

"Me, me, me!" Roy exclaimed.

The Koopa cop sighed and shook his head. "Sure, why not. Tell us your side of the story, Roy."

"Yes!" Roy exclaimed, jumping up in Mario's classic pose. "Okay. So Pit and I were bored as Hell so we decided to go mess around in Walmart. We were trying on some of the sweet looking masks they had on display. I mean, they looked really cool! One was covered with flaming skulls, another had mermaid sequins, and there was-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold-a the phone!" Mario interrupted You're telling me you-a two were trying on display masks?" He slowly asked.

"Thash rish," Pit answered with a mouthful of Cheetos (I wanna have Cheetos now...).

Mario couldn't believe what he was hearing. He blinked and put a hand on his hip all sassy-like. "And it-a didn't occur to you that OTHER people would have-a worn those masks?" He added.

Roy shrugged. "Of course we knew that. What's the big deal?" He asked in confusion.

The doctor and the Koopa facepalmed at his stupidity. "You fool, what-a if someone who had-a the virus put on one of-a the masks?!" Mario snapped (that's an oof-).

Pit choked on his Cheetos. "W-wait what?!" He stuttered.

"Sksksksk." Someone said (Do you say it? Or make a sound?), but Bowser couldn't tell who (and I oop-).

Mario sighed and unlocked Pit and Roy's cubicle doors, letting them out. The two stepped forward while Mario pulled out a syringe, inserted a needle and rolled up Roy's sleeve.

"What are you doing- OW IT HURTS!" Roy cried as Mario drew blood.

"Hey, it is-a your fault for-a putting on those masks!" Mario scolded. "Pit, you're-a next." He ordered while putting a Bandaid on a now teary Roy.

Pit gulped. "I'll pass." He said meekly.

Bowser shook his head. "No, since all seven of you came in contact with each other, we have to take your blood samples to make sure none of you have caught the virus," He said. "Anyways Roy, continue your story."

"Right," The Young Lion quickly said, running back into his cubicle. "Anyways, we strolled around the store for an hour or so and we're about to leave, only to notice Wario."

"And he seemed fatter than usual!" Pit blurted out.

"Shut up, shorty!" Wario shot back.

"HEY!" Bowser yelled. The two instantly shushed. "If you morons keep bitching, we'll be stuck in here for a long time."

Robin had completely zoned out by this point and was roasting gamers on YouTube. Good thing the guy had his phone on him.

"Like I was saying," Roy continued. "We tried to say hi to him, only for him to quickly push a cart out the door, triggering an alarm. And the bastard's cart was full of stolen toilet paper!" He exclaimed, pointing accusingly at the shady businessman.

"Objection! How do you know they were stolen?!" Wario hissed.

"Hold it! Why else would the alarms go off?" Pit pressed.

"When did this turn into Ace Attorney?" Dark Pit wondered out loud (by the way, I memorized the entire main theme with lyrics by Brentendo).

"Excuse me?" A child's voice called.

Everyone turned to see Ness standing in the doorway with a led pencil sticking out of his mouth. Wait what-

"Hey squirt, we're in the middle of something. Fuck off." Bowser snapped, moving his hand in a shooing motion.

"But I've got a mechanical pencil stuck in my braces." Ness said.

NANI?!

Silence. Then Lucina spoke up.

"Are you kidding me?" She asked.

"Promise I'm not," Ness said with a smile.

"Yeah, I have so many questions. Like, how does one get a pencil stuck in their braces?!" Dark Pit demanded.

Ness shrugged. "I don't know. It's kind of a hobby of mine to get something stuck in my mouth once a week." He answered.

"Pfft, big deal. I get something stuck up my ass once a day." Wario said.

Everyone stared at him. Mario rolled his eyes and walked up to Ness. "I will-a take it out. Just give-a me a moment..." He muttered as he stuck his hands inside Ness's mouth (He was wearing gloves), before pulling them out... and punching Ness in the jaw!

Ness yelped as he fell on his ass. When he did, Robin finally looked up from his phone. The led pencil had fallen a few inches away from him. Ness moaned in pain as he stroked his now aching jaw.

"There we-a go! It's out!" Mario exclaimed with triumph. "You may-a leave now Ness."

Ness muttered a thank you and walked out the room. There were many other ways Mario could have removed the pencil, but Mario decided to be a savage to poor Ness and One-Punched his mouth. Well, that's Mario for you.

"Okay, now that that's dealt with, let's get back on topic. Wario, it's clear as a cloudless summer day that you shoplifted those rolls of toilet paper rolls. What's your reason for doing so?" Bowser demanded.

"I wanted to sell them to people in the neighborhood who were too scared to leave their house." Wario answered innocently. "Ain't I a good citizen for doing charity work?"

"But what kind of charity charges money for goods- not to mention forty bucks?!" Pit exclaimed.

"Yeah, you can get fined for selling hygiene products for an unreasonable price." Byleth added.

"What's the big deal? I get my cash, they get their paper." Wario said. "Isn't that smart?"

Mario and Bowser exchanged looks. Clearly the fatass wasn't getting it. Suddenly, Bowser was struck with an idea. He whispered it in Mario's ear, who thought about it, before giving the Koopa a thumbs up.

"We've come to a conclusion," Bowser declared. "You will be charged over ten million dollars for stealing those rolls of toilet paper from Walmart and reselling them for a high price."

"T-t-ten million bucks?!" Wario shrieked. "I don't have that kind of money!"

Bowser put his hand in a stop sign. "I wasn't finished. Normally, that's what would happen, but here's the deal. You sell the toilet paper to everyone in the neighborhood for only fifty cents and you'll be off the hook. Plus, they'll get their toilet paper and you get your cash, just like you said." He explained. "Sound good?" (Bowser would make a good sales person with his deals)

Wario was about to protest, only to stop himself, deciding it was better than getting fined, or worse. "Alright fine. I'll hope right to it." He agreed solemnly.

"Let's-a go!" Mario exclaimed. He hurried to Wario's glass cube and unlocked it. "I will-a need a sample of your blood first."

Wario whimpered in fear while Bowser opened the rest of the cubicles.

"Come to my room Pit, we'll have a good time~" Dark Pit purred. Pit blushed madly at his suggestion.

"By the way, no one's fucking anyone." Bowser ordered. "You brats are going straight to your rooms and practicing social distancing. Or should I enforce that law?"

Corrin and Dark Pit started to protest, only to zip it when Bowser pulled the trigger on the air horn again. "Gay crackheads," He muttered.

"Seven feet," Mario reminded as he took Lucina's blood. "We don't-a want the virus to spread now, do-a we?"

When all seven fighters gave their blood samples and left, Mario sighed with relief. "Time to-a send these to the lab." Mario muttered before tossing a bundle of cash to Bowser (MOOLA).

"Aw sweet!" Bowser exclaimed as he caught it. "We really make a good team, don't we?"

Mario chuckled and was about to leave, only for Ness to open the door, this time with two pencils sticking out of his mouth. "Doctor Mario? It happened again." He said.

Bowser and Mario facepalmed groaned in frustration again.