Part 4 – The Peculiar Acoustics of the Little Boy’s Room

I wonder if anyone has ever recorded an album in a toilet (washroom)?

You carry on reading this if you think you’re up to it, I’m going to nip out and have a quick wander through Google…

61.            The phrase “I’ve finished!” has the capability to echo for miles due to the peculiar acoustics found only in toilets.

62.            Small children do not get bored of watching the same DVD over and over again, but will switch allegiance to another film or series without warning or reason, usually just after you’ve bought a replacement for the one they’ve just worn out.

63.            Children like public or restaurant toilets and will visit as often as possible when out of the house, and usually just as the next (hot) course of the meal you’re eating arrives on the table.

64.            The death of a pet often has far more impact on a child than the death of a relative.

65.            Batteries in really annoying toys rarely get replaced, but seem to last for years if not forever.

We had a haunted dolls house at home for many years, and the batteries are still going well over six years later.

It was a noisy thing with lots of buttons inside that made different sounds like the washing machine, phone and of course a flushing toilet (mind you I’ve never seen a dolls house with an outside privy). It was the epitome of domestic bliss in extruded plastic. After a few years of hard use though it developed a slight fault and the toilet used to flush itself at random moments, usually at about 2am or just as the film went quiet and the killer was about to strike.

After my father suggested that perhaps we could let them have a few old toys at their place that the kids could play with when they came over, I’m afraid my sense of complete bastardness overcame my morals and now my parents place is treated to occasional random nocturnal flushings. My mother is slightly deaf, so it only affects my dad.

Kids are always evil, even when they’re 38 =]

66.            Kids love bubbles.

67.            Balloons are for popping, not decoration, until the age of about eleven when the Helium balloons are for breathing in and sounding like Mickey Mouse or someone who’s just had his testicles located by a four year old’s foot.

68.            The word “oops” is a harbinger of doom.

69.            Boys are very proud of their willies if they are under six.

70.       Spectacles and expensive sunglasses are toys to anyone under two.

71.       Dressing up the family cat must be attempted at least once.

72.       All children have tried cat / dog food.

73.       All men have a mental age of somewhere between five and fifteen (usually five and ten, although I suspect I’m giving myself a few years leeway).

74.       Kids can make up a song about anything.

This was proven in spectacular style by my youngest nephew (aged about five at the time) who was wandering round the house singing a song. As he came closer to the small group of adults who were gathered in the kitchen (the natural gathering place of anyone with a glass of wine in their hands), the words of the made up song set to a jaunty, but repetitive, little tune came drifting down the corridor -

Dubble ya, dubble ya, dubble ya, dot. Red hot porn, red hot porn

Dubble ya, dubble ya, dubble ya, dot. Red hot porn, red hot porn

This went on for a few lines as he entered the kitchen, busting a few moves for the audience as he proceeded to entertain the captive and slightly stunned looking crowd, until his shocked mother asked what he was on about. He noted that while his mother was out the night before, he and his (at that moment absent) dad had been playing around on the internet.

“I’ll bloody kill him,” muttered mother to the surprise of her son who asked why she was so upset with his dad about a chess website.

www.redhotpawn.com. And who says chess players have no sense of humour…

75.       Dad’s often argue badly (although this may well just be me and may also have something to do with baby brain, lack of sleep or being woken up repeatedly before 6am). If provoked beyond the point of reason, the argument will descend into the ultimate punishment of “go to your room and think about what you’ve done.”

Oh yeah. Well done dad. Send them to the place where all their toys are. Good plan. They’ll be quite happy where they are for a few hours. Particularly if they’re teenage boys who thrive in the darkened pit that they call Bedroom with only the X-Box and lots of online friends for company. Top idea. Pillock.

If they’re younger, the argument usually ends up something like this.

“Dad, I want chocolate.”

“No.”

“But I’m hungry.”

“Then you should have eaten your tea.”

“We haven’t had tea yet.”

“Then you’ll have to wait, and you’ll be nice and hungry for when it arrives.”

“But I want some chocolate now.”

“Have an apple.”

“I want chocolate.”

“No.”

“I want chocolate.”

This is the point where sleep deprived father tends to stand up and start wagging an admonishing finger and sounding like their own father, the argument continues for a few seconds and then the dad delivers the ultimate end of argument line.

“I’ll give you chocolate you little tyke!”

Well, that’s sorta what they asked for in the first place. Well done Dad. Duh. You can replace the word chocolate in that paragraph, with virtually anything they’ve asked for. TV, pet rabbit, trip to the zoo, new oil filter etc etc. Either way you end up sounding like a tit, and end up going to another room to try and cover your blushes or escape from your own father’s laughter if he happens to be present.  

76.       Very few children try to eat Playdoh twice

77.       Young children speak a different language that only mothers and older siblings can understand.

My oldest nephew truly did have his own language. For example “bidi gog id wonken – the little egg is broken,” is one I happen to remember, although I have to say the word “wonken” has actually made it into general family use. It’s often described as the point where the wheels on your toy car are visibly knackered, but still just turn and haven’t quite fallen off yet; sorta halfway between wonky and broken.

These days, and now aged fourteen, he’s turned into an immensely intelligent and truly smashing lad, and someone to whom I can happily talk to for hours about all manner of things. Well, at least until I get confused and he has to start explaining things.

My nephews are going to kill me if they ever read this...

78.       Once you’ve had kids you no longer talk in ‘days’ you measure progress by ‘sleeps’.

79.       Apparently the answer to the question “I’m bored, what can I do?” is not “The washing up.”

80.       Or “clean your room.”

81.       Or “make me and your mother a cup of tea.”

82.       Or “your homework.” Oh, the list goes on. The correct answer I suspect is “Borrow my credit card and book the family into Disneyland for two weeks.”

This answer has never been given in the known universe and theories exist that if that answer was ever uttered, time and space could break. But that’s ok ‘cos Dad can fix anything (except the cat).

83.       Dad can fix anything with superglue (although sometimes this takes two or three days, which co-incidentally is exactly the same time period as a delivery from Amazon.)

84.       School plays were invented by teachers to make parents experience the exquisite torture of being immensely proud of your child whilst simultaneously having your auditory faculties systematically torn apart by the unbelievably painful rendering of various commonplace musical numbers by a group of utterly tone deaf six year olds. This is why teachers are always smiling during school performances. Bastards.

Well, what do you know, as far as I can see no-one has ever recorded an album in the toilet; Handel did water music though, I guess I’ll have to settle for that instead...

...coming soon to screen near you (this sounds better if you get a gravelly coived child to read it, but tell him / her not to read out the dots as it sounds daft)

Quantum Parenting. Part 5 - Stark Raving Dad...