"Come on, he totally likes you" Eliza commented as she walked through the halls, struggling to carry her bag "This thing is so annoying" she complained

"We literally spoke for three minutes, and within those three minutes he decided to steal the book I needed and force me to clean the library with him. Yup, he's in love with me" I muttered as I rolled my eyes. "You're walking like an idiot" I added

"Shut up, it's really heavy" she whined "plus, he wouldn't tease you if he didn't like you"

"That wasn't teasing though. It was more like 'you want this book? Well ha bitch. Stolen. Oh and your hot'" I shrugged

We finally got to our history classroom as Eliza ran to her seat and dropped her bag, but of course, Eliza being Eliza, somehow managed to drop it on the floor instead of the table causing the water bottle in her bag to basically explode.

"Morning Eliza" Our history teacher chuckled out of amusement

"Yeah, hi Miss" Eliza muttered as she lowered herself to the ground and began collecting the stuff that spilled out of her bag. She groaned "My English work is ruined. Miss Edmund is gonna skin me alive" I decided that she had suffered enough before I grabbed a bunch of napkins and helped her clean up, silently, because I was trying so hard not to laugh.

"Thanks Juliette" She muttered

Once, almost, everything was dry, Eliza and I were able to take our seats and begin writing the date and title in our books. I sat right at the front of the classroom, on my own desk. I sat on the inner side of the desk, near the wall. Most of my seats, if not all of them, consisted of me sitting alone.

My claustrophobia didn't let me sit next to anyone.

I couldn't keep in constant contact with someone without feeling a panic attack consume me. Whilst nobody knew how bad my panic attacks were, they did know that I got them. The teachers especially. Most students were usually confused about why I sat by myself but most of the time they got tired of asking, considering nobody actually fed them with answers.

I began copying the keywords and started on the task on the board before I felt a nudge on my side.

"What the fuck?" I muttered as I lifted my head up to see an arm perched up on the side of my desk. I followed the arm to see who's face was attached to it, before seeing none other than Levi Knight himself. "Two days in a row? What wonderful sins have I committed to get such rewards oh great and powerful Mr Knight ?" I commented dryly, rolling my eyes, before getting back to the work

"'Sup book girl?" he smirked, he was yet leaning against my desk, making the desk bend a little bit due to the already uneven leg of the table. The desk tilted to one side, causing my notebook to slide to one side, which was extremely frustrating as my writing completely messed up. "I like the new title"

"And I like the fact that you don't understand the concept of sarcasm. It reassures my superiority" I muttered, grabbing my book and placing it in front of me again, before attempting to copy with the work and ignore the idiot beside me.

"Is this seat taken?" He asked placing his bag down on the side of my desk, blocking any view of the board. Leaving me sandwiched between the walk and the bag, almost as if I was trapped between the two.

Breathe. It's just a bag. Deep breaths, in and out.

"Yes" I answered in a strangled voice, keeping my eyes closed, taking deep breaths in and out, feeling my throat well up to the point where it felt almost impossible to breath.

From my peripheral vision I saw him take a seat beside me. I think he made a comment but I couldn't fully focus. My eyes began to water slightly, and my head began to feel light. I took deep breaths in and deep breaths out, feeling fear consume me. The air felt a lot thinner than it usually was, and I began to feel dizzy. My throat felt completely swollen and closed up, my heart speeding up, slamming against my rib cage. Short breaths were being taken as the panic consumed me.

What if I couldn't breathe?

What if I die due to lack of air.

I think I heard someone shout my name, I think it was Eliza.

I tried to calm down, placing my hands on my desk, but everything began disappearing from in front of me. Pins and needles travelled down my arms, numbing them completely.

I wasn't in contact with anything that could link me to the real world.

A strangled sob escaped by mouth as I began shaking, my hands trembling. I tried to take slow deep breaths, but I couldn't stop hyperventilating The room began spinning and I knew I needed to get out of the room before I fainted or something. I stood up, almost tripping over the chair as I sprinted out of the room, clutching the wall for support. I could faintly hear the commotion that was happening back in the room, and I think I heard Eliza ask to leave the room.

I was far too gone to actually know.

Take one breath in and take one breath out.

As soon as I escaped the room, I saw the empty hallway, which calmed my mind a little bit. I leaned against the wall, lifting both legs against my chest and clutching onto them as my head slowly stopped spinning.

I lost all contact with the real world.

**********************************

I don't remember how long the panic attack lasted, I remembered opening my eyes to Eliza, who looked terrified.

"You didn't tell me the panic attacks were that bad" she whispered, the fear evident in her eyes.

"I didn't know they were" I lied

"Bullshit" She snapped

"This was the worst one. It was because of the claustrophobia" I muttered looking down

"You're supposed to be able to tell me anything"

"Eliza" I sighed

"No! Mom's been telling that you've been getting nightmares almost every day of the holidays. You told me they stopped" She accused.

"They di-"

"Juliette don't lie to me!" She looked frustrated and terrified at the same time. "Have you even been to therapy since I left? The truth."

"No"

"Why?" She questioned, almost as if she was going to cry

"Eliza I feel sick"

"Why didn't you tell me the panic attacks were that bad? Was this the first?" She questioned.

I shook my head.

"Juliette"

"I get them after my nightmares."

"For how long now?"

"A few months"

"How long Juliette?"

"7 months"

"Why didn't I know?" She was crying now.

I felt like the worst best friend ever.

"I didn't want to worry you"

"You're supposed to be able to tell me anything. You're my best friend"

"Eliza. I love you. But there are things that I can't tell anyone" I whispered looking down at the ground. I was sat perched up against the wall, and I don't know how long it lasted but I suspected that I needed to get back in the room.

"What time is it?" I asked, looking up at Eliza who was sitting like me, except a meter away.

"It's only 9, I could take you to the nurse if you want" she offered

"I'm okay now"

"Do you need to take your pills?"

I shook my head

"Have you taken your pills yet?"

I shook my head

"How long have you been off your meds?"

"About a week" I muttered

"Your panic attacks aren't going to get better without your meds" She stated

"I'll take them at lunch. I swear." I promised

"Fine. Only because history is your favourite subject"

We both got up and walked back into the history room. I wasn't expecting everyone to welcome me with open arms. I was expecting quite the opposite actually.

And that's what I got.

As soon as I walked in, there were hushed whispers about me, and from what I could tell they all consisted around the same thing. "What just happened?" The whispers went on for a minute or two, before our teacher shut everyone up.

I looked across at my desk to see it empty, nothing in sight except for my bag which lay at the foot of my chair. I looked towards the back of the class and my eyes immediately locked with Levi's. He looked at me, clearly confused about what happened, but he mouthed 'I'm sorry'.

I shook my head at him, almost as if I was saying 'no problem'.

It was a huge problem.

But he didn't need to know that.

I took a seat in my usual place, as I watched Eliza take a seat besides Jordan. Who had asked her something, I'm guessing, as he leaned forwards and whispered in her ears. She replied by shaking her head. Throughout the rest of the lesson, I tried to pay attention to the class and what the teacher was saying, but I couldn't help but feel self-conscious about the whispers that were echoing around the class. I tried extremely hard not to listen to everything they said, I tried extremely hard to block them out, but it was as if my mind was adamant on finding out what others thought of me.

I felt a small pounding sensation at the back of my head, but I refused to ask if I could go to the nurses office.

It would only make people more curious.

Throughout the entire class, my teacher, Eliza and Jordan kept shooting me worried looks and whilst it was almost impossible to ignore them, I did. It was harder to ignore my teacher, every time she looked at me, she made complete eye contact with me, clearly expressing how much sympathy she felt for me. It was easier to ignore both Jordan and Eliza. They didn't feel pity, instead they wanted to know whether I was okay or not. They also sent quick glances towards me, before returning to their work.

When the bell finally went, the entire class had emptied out before I did. Usually when class ended I would stay back, under the pretence of talking to the teacher or fixing my work.

The hallways were too crowded during lesson change over.

This time however, when people started walking past me, their whispers started getting clearer. And no matter how hard I tried to block them out, finding out what they were talking about was inevitable.

"What the fuck happened to her?"

Once the entire class was empty, my history teacher had beckoned me forward, asking for a word with me.

"Juliette are you alight?" Was the first question she asked me, and there it was again. The pity she reserved just for me.

"I'm-I'm fine" I muttered, clearing out my desk and placing the necessary things in my bag

"I want to know happened" She firmly demanded, crossing her arms over her chest as she looked into my eyes defiantly, almost persistent on finding out what had caused the panic attack.

"Levi, he took a seat next to me" I whispered, before realising how stupid that sounded. "My claustrophobia-" I attempted to justify, almost failing to put the words together before I saw the woman in front of me nod her head in understanding.

"This wouldn't have happened if you would just tell-" She began, sighing as she said it before I interrupted her, quite rudely to say the least, but judging by the look on her face she was more frustrated that I refused to tell people than being irritated that I interrupted her

"No" I quickly, yet quietly muttered. I had told over over and over again the reasons to why I didn't want anybody to know about my claustrophobia, or any other conditions at that. She believed that if I told people, they would stop being so curious and start treating me better, that they would stop questioning me. I told her I didn't want people to start thinking me of some freak, start isolating me because of my conditions, or to start pitying me.

I just didn't want people to treat me differently.

"I hope you think about it" she advised.

I wasn't going to.

Be she sure as hell didn't need to know that.

Written: 22/07/15

Posted: 18/10/15