~A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

~"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

~I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

~My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive" but it's hard without him.