14 : i believe in a thing called love - the darkness

cassidy's mum is based off my nan holla

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©assidy

I had to go to Calum's because I had to get away. My mum was making stupid accusations and just generally being stupid, threatening to take me to live with her and I couldn't cope. So I just walked out, mum screaming at me whilst I trotted down the path and slowly began to sob.

I have such an awful relationship with my mother and I hate myself for that. I love the stupid bitch, of course I do, but she's completely mental. She's so self centred and just medically insane, I think. I cursed her and her stupidness as I walked down Calum's road and stopped outside his house.

I stared at his front door for a few moments, before wiping my eyes and breathing in. All I had to do was take a deep breath and it would be alright. My chest hurt and my stomach was in knots as I rang the doorbell. Why did I feel like this? It was just Calum.

Calum answered the door right away and he looked as though he'd been doing the exact same thing as me; crying. He smiled sympathetically at me.

"Parents, hey?" he chuckled, pulling me into the house. It was only as I stepped into the warmth that I realised how cold it was outside. And how dark. It was night time and I was sitting in Calum's kitchen, holding back my tears; what the fuck has happened to me?

"Calum, what do you do when you hate your mother so much, but you love her and you don't want to hurt her feelings at the same time? Hypothetically, of course."

Calum took a deep breath. "I think maybe you go and live with her. Because that's what she wants, isn't it? And you- you want to make her happy."

I nodded, and began crying again. "I guess you do. And I guess that is what she wants, right?"

"Whilst we're on the topic of hypothetical situations, Cas, what do you do when your mother hates you so much, but loves you and doesn't want to feel that way so she thinks the only thing she can do is cart you off to America to start a new life?" Calum's eyes were watering even worse than mine.

"I think you do as you're told," I whispered, barely taking in what he'd just said. Both situations were so painfully not hypothetical, it was almost comical. "What the fuck is wrong with us, Calum?"

"We're teenagers, Cassidy. There's nothing wrong with us, there's just lots of things wrong with everything else," said Calum.

"I don't want you to go to America, Cal," I whispered, grabbing his hand. "And I certainly don't want to live with my mum and the scum I call my step family."

"Why not?" Calum asked sencirely. "What's bad about them? If you tell me, maybe I can find a positive."

I stared into Calum's eyes, his beautiful brown eyes, and I almost told him. "Unfortunately, I-I... can't."

Calum withdrew his hand from my grasp. "Why not?"

I frowned. "Because, Calum, there are some things I'm not too comfortable with sharing."

"There's a lot of things I'm not comfortable with sharing, but I've told you," Calum said bitterly. "Did it ever occur to you that you're the only one that knows about my panic attacks? My mum? Luke and Michael and Ashton know pieces, little snippets here and there, but no one knows the full story except you. You owe-" Calum stopped himself, but I already knew what he was going to say.

"I don't owe you, Calum," I said quietly. "You trust me, I trust you. Nothing, Calum Hood, nothing is owed. Understand?"

Calum nodded, his face in his hands. "I know. I'm just fucked up and frustrated and my mums bringing her boyfriend over for me to meet tonight and I don't know what to do, Cas," his voice was all over everywhere and he looked so fragile, Amy chest ached for him. "Help me, Cassidy."

We sat in a comfortable silence for what must've been around ten minutes before I decided to speak.

"If you go, I'll go," I turned to face him, gazing into his eyes. "If you go, Calum, I'll go too. It could be a fresh start for both of us."

Calum was crying again, big, fat tears were rolling down his face. "O-okay," he stuttered. "Okay."

I began crying too, because I was agreeing to live with the two people I hate most out of everyone; my mum and my stepbrother. But Calum was going to America, and I was staying in the same country. I would still see my dad. He had it much worse than me.

"Your mums gonna be back soon, isn't she?" I grabbed Calum's hand and dragged him upstairs. "You get ready, I'll go. There's boxing tomorrow, why don't we go to the ice cream parlour afterwards, yeah? We can... talk."

"Don't leave me, Cas, I don't know what I'm capable of doing to myself," he scrabbled, trying to keep me sitting at the table.

I sighed, exhausted with everything. "Don't say that, Calum. Please, don't say that."

"I'm sorry, what am I doing. You need to go, talk to your mum. Good luck, Cassidy. It's funny, we've barely known each other for a month and I feel like we're really close."

I chuckled. "I know. Good luck Cal, I hope... he's nice."

I slipped out from my seat and opened the door, just a car turned down the road and pulled up right in front of me. I turned back and smiled at Calum, silently wishing his luck. My chest physically ached for him. He's got it so much worse than me, I thought, so much fucking worse. Calum's mum got out of the car and stood in front of me.

"Cassidy, isn't it?" she smiled at me. She stepped a little closer to me, distancing herself from the car. "Is Calum okay?"

I looked her dead in the eye. "Calum hasn't been okay in a while, Mrs. Hood." I looked at the floor, suddenly conscious. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have... er, he told me about America."

Her expression was hard to read. "Oh. I'm sorry, Cassidy, that you've got dragged into all this. Calum... he has trouble controlling himself. He doesn't mean to, of course, but sometimes he says things he regrets. It's only a matter of time before he does this to you, Cassidy. I'm just warning you."

I laughed a little. "Mrs. Hood, you underestimate him. All you need to do to gain Calum's respect is respect him."

I backed away slowly, then began running back to my house before Calum's mum could say anything else to me. I was a little rude, I was a little patronising, but hopefully she got the message. Hopefully she won't send him away. I've realised, in fact I've probably known this for a long time, but I need Calum. I need Michael, and Ashton, too. I need my friends.

Before I knew it I was stood in front of my front door. I pulled the handle down, tiptoeing into the living room where Rachel was sat, a cigarette in her hand. I haven't seen her smoke in years, something bad must've happened.

"Rach?" My throat hurt a little.

Rachel jumped, obviously surprised by the sound of my voice. She stubbed the cigarette out quickly, putting it on the ashtray beside her. "Cassy? Is that you?"

"I thought I told you not to call me Cassy?" I chuckled, slumping down beside my sister. "What happened, hey?"

"Dad had a panic attack. He hasn't had one in ages, Cas," said Rachel, her voice cracking. "Mum is so... ugh, I don't know. A lot of words spring to mind, all very inappropriate. I just don't know how much more of this I can cope with."

"I'm going to go," I blurted out. "To live with mum. I'm causing everyone too much stress, too much hassle. It'll be easier if I just go. I know you're gonna try and persuade me to stay but I need to do this, Rach, I'm hurting too many people. I'm being selfish."

Rachel held me in her arms and we fell asleep on the sofa. I'd hurt my sister, my dad. I'd hurt too many of the people I love, and if living in the one place I swore I'd never go back to perminantly, then so be it.

-

i'm two away from 750 but fuck it.

i kinda like this story again i might take it off slow updates idk

this is going faster than i anticipated but whatevs, i want this story to be fairly long

- cx