Case File: #667366
We uncovered a grave on the outskirts of town. There's nothing out there but dust, a dried-up gas station, and the occasional frizzled cactus.
Cacti.
But apparently someone saw something in all that nothing—whether they were sober or not is yet to be determined (TBD)—because we, the FBI, don't go digging in the desert for anything short of a *REDACTED* ship.
As it turns out, the drunk (TBD) was right.
What we found, aside from bones, was a Ziploc bag. Inside, we recovered a cassette tape, thumb-drive, and a note.
THIRTEEN QUESTIONS & FACTS ABOUT ME
As of now, the identity of the Interviewer remains UNKNOWN.
The interviewee is annotated only as ME.
Video files are in .mp4 format, preceded by >>
.gifs are included for re-construction and clarification purposes only.
The transcript is as follows:
Post Date: 2/12/16
Interviewer: If you could be a literary character, who would it be?
Me: Sean Kendrick from Maggie Stiefvater's The Scorpio Races. Why? Because he has a horse that chose him, an awesome rep, and nobody bugs him in public. He lives in a barn, too. And I grew up in one *sarcasm* so we're halfway there.
Interviewer: When you look at the dress, do you see white and gold or blue and black?
Me: White and gold. You?
Interviewer: Marvel or DC?
Me: *sighs* This feels political, so I'll say neither. *coughs* Charlie Cox. *coughs* What?
Interviewer: What's the first thing you can remember wanting to be?
Me: Pre-teen me wanted to be an equine vet. Teen-me wanted to be a coroner moonlighting as a film editor. I still want to be a coroner and a film editor. My therapist told me I should be a psychologist because I think too much. But I write instead.
Next.
Interviewer: What are your three favorite shows of all time?
Me: I'm not doing this. You're getting more than three: Doctor Who, The X-Files, Miranda, Peaky Blinders, Call the Midwife and Vikings.
I'll tell you why. Ready?
Doctor Who is my longest running fandom. I've been in it for years and looking back at the early stages of my life, I can see how it helped shape my current POV—especially the Russell T. Davies seasons. Humans are worth it, all cultures matter, and the world needs our protection, people!
The X-Files is the one show that still amazes me no matter how many times I watch it. Every. Single. Frame. Is magnificent. The lighting alone makes me weep, and their color aesthetic was on point. Blues and oranges, man. Blues and oranges. Plus, Mulder and Scully are two of the most relatable characters for me. Divide my soul, and it would look like them. That show is meta af. Even their case file monologs are poetically existential.
Example: "I have lived with a fragile faith built on the ether of vague memories from an experience that I can neither prove nor explain [...]This belief sustained me, fueling a quest for truths that were as elusive as the memory itself. To believe as passionately as I did was not without sacrifice, but I always accepted the risks. To my career. My reputation. My relationships. To life itself..." - Fox Mulder
WHO TALKS LIKE THAT AT WORK???
Miranda Hart taught me to love myself even if the world won't. And it's super relieving to watch someone who understands the browse-sweep and who accurately represents the pains of social awkwardness. It's not cute. *coughs* Felicity Smoak *coughs*
Um, and, duh, Gary.
All I'm gonna say about Peaky Blinders is, Cillian Murphy. Oh, and that time Arctic Monkeys covered Red Right Hand. Which *nerd alert* was also played in The X-Files season two episode "Ascension". Not the AM one, the original version...obvi.
Call the Midwife:
Nuff said.
And last but not least, Vikings. Aslaug aside—because I love her too much, and it's dangerous—Vikings is my go-to show for comparative religion. They remain gloriously unbiased throughout their portrayal of differing faiths and it is well-worth the watch.
Next.
Interviewer: When it comes to writing, what is the one genre you won't touch? Why?
Me: Unless I'm allergic, this answer seems pretty straightforward: try them all! Expand or die.
Interviewer: How old were you when you started writing?
Me: My earliest recollection was nine years old. I wrote poems and then I signed my age on them because I thought someday, when I was old, like, sixteen-years-old old, I might forget that I ever wrote them to begin with.
Interviewer: What's one of your pet peeves?
Me: Hiccups.
Mine. Yours. My ferrets—No, not his. His are cute.
Yours are not.
Interviewer: If you won fifteen million dollars tomorrow, what would be the first thing you would do?
Me: I'd faint. *laughs* No, seriously. Then, my paranoia would kick in and I'd think it was a scam or something. But, after that, I would clear my parents debt. I'd buy a horse and an island of my very own. I'd travel. Everywhere. And give to organizations like www.stjo.org, Face Forward LA, www.wildhorsepreservation.org, www.worldrelief.org, and Greenpeace. Also, anything the isfoundation gets behind.
Oh, and I'd make a Grisha Trilogy tv show.
I realize I'd have to do all these things at once to answer the question correctly.
Interviewer: iPhone or Android?
Me: iPhone.
*mic static*
No, I have nothing else to say.
Interviewer: You were dropped in the last scene you wrote. Where are you, and what is happening?
Me: Well, I'd have time-traveled to May 1914 and I'd be standing somewhere in the Paris opera house, wearing a tutu, and watching my lover be possessed by a demon butterfly.
...You had to be there.
Interviewer: Dream car? If not a car, boat, scooter, plane, anything that moves?
Me: The TARDIS. It would make research for historical fiction waaayyy easier. Just imagine the realism!
Interviewer: Last question. What's the coolest word you know?
Me: [Inaudible.]
A list of personal facts by ME transcribed in sequential order as spoken on the tape.
1. Pisces
2. INFJ
3. I once found an author-signed book at a garage sale, in perfect condition, and personalized to me with my actual name!
4. I horseback ride. And, yesterday, I jumped my first two-foot-six oxer!
5. Maggie Stiefvater reblogged the fan video I made for The Raven Boys and gave me a 'brace of virtual ponies.' I was so excited, I listed it under 'other achievements' on a job application.
6. Animals and I have a weird understanding. Once, I pet—petted?—a wild fish.
And made a video about it. Because: PROOF.
>> TamInG_Of_the_FiSh.mp4
https://youtu.be/z8Rb4v8XxY0
7. When I was little, my family had a pet crow named Blackjack that we rescued as a baby from our neighbors wicked chi-wa-wa.
8. I have a FanFiction account. It's been dormant for years and years but it still exists. Good luck finding it. I'll never tell...
Hint: I wrote Captain Swan fics and Primeval one-shots
9. I want to believe.
10. One summer, I devoted my free time to studying the Golden Age of Hollywood. Aside from reading up on MGM Studios, I have watched upward of fifty Cary Grant movies, every obscure Donald O'Connor film I could hunt down on the interweb, and more Bing Crosby than I feel comfortable admitting.
Here's a piece of friendly advice: Pre-code films. Do it.
11. My very, very first writing project started when I was thirteen and carried on until I turned eighteen and saw the light. It was a high-fantasy story that never ended. I now have three, three-inch binders filled with five-hundred printed pages each. Ugh.
12. Once, I was banned from the library because I maxed out the borrow-limit on my card. I had to wait four months to use it again! The librarians laughed at me.
13. I live with a dwarf hamster named Rollo and a ferret named Loki.
Addendum: FBI Case File #667366
The mystery of ME remains unsolved. From what little coherent evidence provided by the tape, the thumb-drive, and the note we can surmise she was alive at some point in history, and is now, most likely, dead.
Cause: unknown.
The bones retrieved in the grave were not human, but rather those of a Pterosaur from the Triassic period previously believed extinct. Big deal. Dinosaur bones are a dime-a-dozen these days, sold in every museum across the country. Actual proof the 'Terrible Lizard' is tenable at best. Why a Pterosaur was buried with the Ziploc bag and cassette, will also remain a mystery.
I move this case be closed, and the aforementioned thirteen questions and thirteen facts be passed along in the interest of public knowledge, to the names I have selected below:
They will be required to give a thorough (optional) report.
Agent *REDACTED*, signing off at 2300 hours.
A/N: Okay, I obviously went a little overboard with this...but I want to thank Nyhterides for tagging me to tell, basically, TWENTY-SIX things about myself O.O
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