TW: suicidal thoughts.

I was half awake when I wrote this while listening to jaaney tamannah😶‍🌫️

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It was the words that hurt more than the slap. She wished for him to take them back, she was Waqas Ahmed's daughter, himmat waali, hosle waali, apni marzi rakhne waali Meerab.

But now he was denying it all. Denying that she was his daughter. Denying that they were of the same blood. It was a 'cuss', was she a bastard?

He was denying his association to her because she said 'No' to Murtasim. It was unbelievable. Her father wasn't this insensitive for years he had fought cases, some proving paternity. He wasn't the type to lie.

But she wished it was a lie. Something he said out of anger, something he said to hurt her.

"Aap.. aap ye isliye keh rahey kyuki maine Murtasim se nikkah krne se mana krdiya?"

It was too heavy for her to digest. This unknown family friend's son was more important than her, that he denied his paternity to her.

"Nahi... yahi sach hai".

Her eyes teared up as he looked into her eyes, there was truth, there was guilt and there was hopelessness.

He was tired of hiding the truth, tired of concealing her identity, Waqas could no longer protect her. He had failed as a father, the hands that once cradled her, had striked her.

"Nahi hu mai tumhara baap"...

He repeated now softly, his shoulder hunching in dispair as Meerab processed his words.

"Aapki beti nahi hu ... toh kon hu mai?"

Her head was spinning, the thoughts, the pain in her heart everything overwhelming her.

"Lawaris hu?"

"Bin baap ki aullad hu? Kon hu mai? Kiski beti hu?"

----

Her eyes flew open and she founds herself sleeping on the side of the bed. There were dried up tears in her eyes.

Her adopted parents had always showered her with love, she was their daughter, but her father had given up so easily.

"Kon hu mai?"

She couldn't hold back the tears anymore as they slid down her cheeks. As an only child her parents listened to her every wishes and fulfilled them. She was their princess, she never thought that this situation could ever happen.

Being forced to marry your conservative cousin with 'puraney khayalat' and living in a suffocating haveli where nobody liked her was no better than her personal hell.

She couldn't live in this hell for life. She couldn't marry that man, he was a mother's son, would never listen to her. She would soon be turned into Maa Begum's puppet.

"No..."

She couldn't allow that to happen, she had always been a good daughter, was the topper of her batch, never did anything that could wound their honour.

She had given up twenty one years of her life following their words and now they wanted her to give up the rest of it to a family she had hated.

She couldn't be Maa Begum's puppet, Murtasim's wife or Anwar's daughter.

She wasn't Waqas Ahmed's daughter, then the memories need not live. Picking up the album she controlled her tears and lit it.

The fire was similar to the one in her eyes, it burnt like her heart did, the memories turning into ashes. The ashes and smoke entered her eyes, her vision was blurry, it was heard to breath. But not suffocating anymore.

She couldn't breath, the smoke tickled her windpipe, and the carpet caught the fire burning it.

Meerab didn't move looking at the album burning to crisp.. a strange pain hit her, now she had no memories to look back to.

Sitting on the bed she wished to be engulfed by the flames, to cease to exist like those happy memories.

Lies, deceit and betrayal that was what her life was  for last twenty years. Now she understood why her fake parents always contacted Anwar and Maa Begum before taking any decision.

They had no kids, so she was just handed over like a toy to them, because her father didn't want her.

Now that her father wanted her to be a part of his family, they were handing her back. As if she wasn't a human, just a thing, they could toss around. Meerab had seen girls being abused by their parents, being forced to marry a man of their choice, being emotionally blackmailed.

She never thought this... this would happen to her. aAs the flames roared, she felt at peace, calming down... their toy if it ceased to exist... wouldn't they be happy?

Like the album... that was now ashes and dust.

"...Meerab beta darwaza kholo"

"Meerab!"

She heard the voices, and her eyes widened. Breaking out of her thoughts, she realised what she was about to do.

She was about to burn herself alive. Meerab hurried towards the door scared of herself, and as the door opened a wave of fresh air hit her as she saw Anwar her real father and Waqas helping her out.

She was coughing outside, as they passed her a glass of water.

"Beta are you hurt?"

The word Beta, the worry in their voice triggered her.

"Who are you calling Beta?" She asked the look of heartbreak in her eyes.

"I have no father. I have no identity. I have no home... You people are liars. You are cheats".

Those words hit both her parents, Anila couldn't meet her eyes and Waqas wasn't able to bear them. But wasn't that the truth, her truth...

"I don't want to live in this house... all of you are cheats... "

With that she ran out, out of their house, out of their lives.

Her entire being was consumed by an overwhelming rage. She couldn't look at their faces, the guilt in their eyes, the love in their words all of it was burning her heart.

She didn't want to live here, didn't wanted a part in the property. Didn't wanted to be called Anwar Khan's daughter.

All of this was for a man, who had already died. A dead man's last wish was more important to them than their living daughter's dreams.

Someone caught her wrist, she knew it was Murtasim.

"Tum... nahi jaogi", his jaw was clenched as he glared at her.

Why was he stopping her? Wasn't this his motive all along? He didn't want her as his wife, but right now she didn't care about the wedding.

Her life was a mess, she was a mess and it all started with Maa Begum's wish to get the two of them married.

"Haath chodo mere..."

"Leave me"..

His hands held hers tightly his eyes warning her not to do anything stupid.

"Murtasim mera haath chodo"

She used both her hands, but his grip was too strong. This infuriated her, he was like Maa Begum's henchman, dragging her from her own birthday party, from the street , and now here stopping her from leaving this suffocating house.

She tried to plead, the tears in her eyes didn't affect him instead it made his jaw clench, "Leave me Murtasim".

"You won't go..."

And she was done with this man, she broke their hold and she saw his expression change. As he moved a step backwards.

The rage in her eyes overriding his, "I will go!"

She snapped, she wasn't weak, she was Meerab. These people have hurt her for long, played with her emotions and tossed her around.

She wouldn't allow her herself to be insulted further.

They meant nothing to her, "and no one will stop me".

Especially this infuriating man, his thoughts, ideals had made her burst into rage every moment. He acted like a strong man, carried himself like one, but he was weak.

Weak like her father, weak like his uncle, they had no power. Except their male strength they imposed, by laying their hands on a woman.

She would die, but never marry this man, how could she allow herself to enter a hateful nightmare where this man remained insistent on destroying her every dream by following his mother's commands.

It was hard to breath, "and you surely can't stop me Murtasim, You don't even have the courage to say no to this marriage infront of everyone"

His nostrils flared as he heard her words, nobody had used that tone with him, her every word driving him crazy. He wanted to shut her mouth, or walk away.

But he couldn't do either. So he stood there bearing her insulting words.

"I will never marry a man who hides behind me and says no"

He was a weak man waiting for her to do all the work, he had the authority and the power in this house, but it seemed he was just a puppet... he had no mind of his own, no heart of his own, just a heartless man who followed his mother's every command.

"You won't go"

The audacity of this man, as he caught her wrist once again, he made her blood boil. Why couldn't he just let her go and tell Maa Begum she left?

Why waste his energy when he too didn't want this nikkah?

But she knew why, he loved to torment her. She wasn't weak, so she wasn't trailing behind him like Haya. A woman having a mind of her own, challenging him, this didn't sit well with him.

"Mai jaungi... aur tumharey mu par thappad maarke jaaungi"

He deserved that slap, he had it coming according to her for interferring in her affairs.

For destroying her life.

"You know why?"

"Because you are responsible for this condition of mine"..

She said poking a finger to his chest making him flinch, as he walked backwards, holding himself back from lashing onto her.

If Murtasim didn't exist, Anwar Khan would have never forced her to marry him.

"Because of you, my dreams have broken, marrying you is out of question, I don't even want to look at a shameless man like you"

He stumbled this time as she pushed him with all her hatred, all her anger and he lost all self control.

His hand raised and he striked her.

This was the second slap that shook her world as she almost lost her balance, once again she lost her face.

The dizziness returned as she realised this was the man she was supposed to marry.

The burning in her cheek, the hurt in her eyes and her emotional turmoil caused her to lose conciousness, she fell in the embrace of the man who had striked her as he caressed her cheek out of guilt.

The tears in her eyes now hurting him, as he realised what he had done.

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