"You can't stop the feelings you have for someone. You can't lie to yourself either. Your heart knows the truth all too well."
{unknown}

//

"Lexie, how do you feel about your mom and dad's relationship?" Dr. Shetland asked, glancing up from his notes.

I was laying on his ugly red sofa that I didn't like.

"Umm. Do I have to answer this?" I questioned, getting nervous.

I don't like to talk about my parents at all. Especially my dad. He hates me and thinks I'm stupid.

My mom on the other hand, was an angel. She was beautiful too. Tons of people said I looked exactly like her, and I acted like her. So, I was grateful that I wasn't like my dad.

He sighed. "I know you don't like to talk about it, Lexie, but you're going to have to talk about it soon."

I ran my hands through my hair. "I didn't like their relationship. All they did was fight and argue."

Dr. Shetland nodded, writing more notes down in my progress folder. "You know, Lexie, it's good for you to tell people how you feel. If you keep your feelings bottled up, you'll explode one day."

//

I SLOWLY TURNED around. "Soda, I- I didn't mean it like that."

He was with Steve and Ponyboy. He still had a hurt expression on his face. "I really liked you, Lexie. As a friend."

I shook my head. "Soda, you misunderstood me. I do like you. As a friend."

"Then what the hell did you mean, Lexie?"

I can't tell him what I meant.

"You're marrying Sandy." I stated.

"You're what?!?!" Steve and Pony shouted.

My eyes went wide. "They didn't know?"

Soda looked frustrated. "They know now."

I started feeling upset. He was mad at me.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't know." I frowned, turning away. I looked towards JJ. "Let's go, JJ. They probably don't want me here now that I've ruined everything."

JJ and I started walking away and I heard Soda shout. "Lexie! Wait!"

I stopped in my tracks and turned around. He ran up to me and sighed. "I'm sorry I got angry with you. And, you didn't ruin anything, okay?"

I slowly nodded and buried my face into his chest, giving him a hug. He was surprised at first, but hugged me back. I pulled away, JJ's eyes wide.

Oh no.

"Lex never hugs anyone!" He yelled.

I felt my cheeks heating up. It's cold outside, why are my cheeks feeling hot? Do I have a fever?

Soda shot me a grin and I quickly turned away. It's not right to have feelings for him. My half-sister is dating him.

Correction, marrying him.

//

I WAS SITTING on the couch in Steve's living room, watching some more Mickey Mouse with Two-Bit. The guys say he's a bad influence, but I don't think he is. He's taught me a lot about Mickey Mouse.

We were sharing a bowl of popcorn, laughing because Mickey fell into a hole. Someone came through the door, causing Two and I to immediately look up. Soda came in, an unreadable expression on his face.

He sat beside me. "Lexie, you remember when you first came here? You told me about your lists. I said I wanted to look at them with you."

I nodded, recalling the memory. It's only been two weeks. Soda was marrying Sandy in two days. Which was terrible because I've grown even closer to Soda.

"Well, I want to look at them with you now." He spoke, a smile on his face.

I immediately felt happy. Someone finally wants to look at my lists!

(the only list I have is of the people I hate)

I lead him to my room and he looked around, amazed. "You are very organized."

I chuckled, blushing a bit. "Yeah, organization is part of my disorder. It's like second nature for me to fix things."

He grinned. "I think we should go out on the back porch to read these. Steve has a porch swing, so it would be perfect."

I agreed with him, grabbing my lists and following him outside. There was a beautiful sunset outside and I immediately thought of Pony. He told me about sunsets.

"So, what's the first list you want to show me?"

With a smile plastered upon my face, I held up the list of things I admire. I handed it to him as he read it out loud.

THINGS I ADMIRE

- Flowers
- My mom
- The gang
- Sunsets
- Blue eyes
- People who understand me
-

"You left one blank." Soda pointed out, keeping his gaze on my list.

I gave him a sad smile. "I couldn't really think of anything else I admire."

He grabbed a pen out of his DX jacket and scribbled something down on my list. He handed me my list back, and I read what he wrote.

- My disorder

I knitted my eyebrows in confusion. "Why would I ever admire my disorder? It makes people think I'm crazy and stupid."

He shook his head, looking off into space. "Your disorder is what makes you, YOU, Lexie. It's who you are as a person. I like your disorder. It makes you really innocent and sweet. I love that about you."

I frowned. "But I don't like anything about me."

His unreadable expression from before was now turned into complete sadness. "How do you not like anything about you, Lexie?"

"Because... I just don't." I hesitated.

He could tell there was something else, but decided against asking me. He knew if he asked me, I wouldn't tell him anyways. I've known him for two weeks now, and I still haven't told him anything about how my mom died, about my dad, or about the mental asylum.

I keep it all bottled up.

"You really should love yourself, Lexie."

"Why?" I asked, looking at the sunset.

"Because," he took a deep breath, "one day, you'll wake up and find out that you're the only person you've got. If no one else will allow you to love them, why not love yourself?"

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Soda, what did Sandy do?"

//

so this is currently me right now. GMW spoilers on Ski Lodge Pt. 2 has me pissed.