"The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next." – Ursula K. Le Guin

ZEREF'S head ached, his chest felt hollow, and his side throbbed when he came back to Earthland. More than anything, he wanted to go back to the darkness that had surrounded him like a fluffy blanket, warm and comforting, hiding him from reality. But wakefulness kept nudging him, bringing him back to the land of the living against his will, and he knew that it wouldn't be long before he felt restless enough to sit up. He'd never been one for lounging in bed; it had been a habit leftover from his father dragging him up at the crack of dawn to tend to the animals, and then, later, from his teacher frowning upon wasting away morning hours.

(Only Natsu would find the one person who actually enjoyed waking up with the sun and convince her to take them in as apprentices. Sometimes, he honestly wondered if his brother had deliberately set out to torture him.)

The remains of his dream kept him from wanting to wake up anytime soon also, so he kept his eyes closed and buried further into the softness that was bedding and blankets, which was something he wanted to marvel at but shouldn't. He didn't deserve the luxuries that normal people took for granted.

For once it had been a good dream— another something he didn't deserve, but that didn't make him any less grateful for it. It was more of a memory than a dream, of back when he was young and had just started to learn the magic of life. Natsu had been there: he had fallen asleep over his books, and his younger brother had draped a blanket over his shoulders, throwing logs into the fire to chase away the chill. He couldn't remember much more than that.

It's so soft... way softer than the ground... he hummed happily in the back of his throat, curling into the blankets again. It had been so long since he felt so comfortable, if ever. Back home, they only had blankets to spread against the ground and no kind of padding because they hadn't had the money to afford any beds. This felt like the clouds; soft and fluffy and warm. (The scientific part of his mind grumbled because clouds were not warm but he ignored it with a practiced ease.) Maybe he could somehow fall back to sleep? He really didn't want to wake up again...

Half formed recollections danced through his head. Of walking through a town and sensing a strange presence, and then seeing Natsu throw himself over that girl, as if he could shield her with his own body. In one of his rare moments of clarity, he had known he had to protect Natsu. While Zeref was unable to die, Natsu could, and he couldn't lose his brother too even though they were so distant from each other that it might have been funny if it hadn't been so terribly sad. He had an immortal body, after all. Or he had an immortal body until Natsu grew powerful enough to kill him.

For some reason, that awful darkness that always lurked in the back of his head wasn't creeping into his conscious, clouding his thoughts, tearing between hating Natsu and loving him. Between hating life and loving it.

He liked to tell himself that he didn't care about anything, but it was another lie he told himself. He cared too much. He cared until it literally hurt people around him and made him bleed. The weight of his sins was something that could not be denied after all. Such was the curse of Ankhseram. The more someone cared for people, the more individual lives it stole until he no longer cared about anything or anyone.

Still, throwing himself in front of Natsu...

How stupid. A bitter smile played at the edges of his lips, though he didn't allow it to grow. He couldn't believe he had just thrown himself in front of Natsu like that—he could have killed his girlfriend by accident. If he was remembering correctly, he had killed that other man. That was weird. Normally, his curse just killed everything... not that he really tested it out. He wouldn't figure it out eventually anyway, he had no desire to plunge Earthland back into the Dark Ages. He should get back to Tenroejima soon anyway...

(He wished he could regret taking a life; after all, his teacher had taught them that all life was precious. But he would have killed Natsu, he had seen far too many men and women like him who would kill without hesitation, and if it was a choice between his brother and some deplorable creature then... well, it wasn't very much of a choice, was it?)

It was quite strange, actually, now that he was able to ponder it. He felt so comfortable. He felt so sane— he couldn't even feel the curse lurking in the back of his mind. It was like it had been... fully destroyed somehow.

But that was just ridiculous. Ankhseram had been addling with his head for so long. It showed no mercy; something he understood far too well. Far too many years had passed for him to bother with counting them, but this wretched curse had wreaked havoc upon everything that had made him the person he once was. Maybe it was just pretending to be gone, so that he'll lower his guard? It wouldn't be the first time something like that had happened.

He didn't really know what to do with it anymore, what with it being so... confusing. (Hah! As if confusion was something he didn't live with.) He wished he could see a Psychiatrist; they were supposed to help crazy people, weren't they? Or maybe he would scare them away... Oh, I cursed myself accidentally in an attempt to resurrect my little brother after he was killed in a fire. It causes me to go bonkers and kill people all around me. Don't worry though, I brought him back to life. He's a demon now, even though he doesn't know it. Oh, and he's gonna kill me when he gets strong enough. Don't worry. I won't be here to terrorize humanity much longer. Thank whatever God you happen to believe in.

He was sure that would go over splendidly.

With a groan, he realized that there was no way he would get back into that dream. He didn't want to wake up; when he woke up, he would have to deal with consequences of his foolish, selfish sacrifice. He wasn't looking forward to cleaning up his own blood. Again.

But he would do it again if it meant Natsu would survive. It was his duty to protect his younger brother. (He never forgot what their father told him, all those years ago, before it had all went wrong).

And he had a lot to make up for.

His wrist felt cold, oddly enough. He just noticed that. Actually, now that he thought about it, where was he? If he was on the ground, it would be hard. If he was (technically) dying then he would be in a lot more pain. All he had were irritations, nothing that made him want to scream or sob like a baby. And he felt sane.

How queer.

Well, he wasn't sure how he felt sane exactly. He didn't know what sanity was. He just felt... not insane. At least he didn't have the urge to go out to kill people. But this feeling, whatever it was, made him feel lighter if that made any sense. Natsu might have had the word for it, he'd always been better had pinpointing emotions.

Or maybe he was just in a different kind of insanity. One where his thoughts went around in never ending circles. That was probable. His thoughts always went around and round in circles; they moved too quickly for him to keep up with them.

"Hey, you're awake!"

Zeref jolted up at the voice—he knew that voice, though it was certainly pitched lower than he was used to—and smacked his head against something. The other voice swore as he leaned over and rubbed his forehead to stop it from smarting. His eyes watered.

Then he froze all over again. That voice—it belonged to Natsu. But that was impossible. He had died and then he wasn't dead. Then he had a guild he had to run: Even as E.N.D., he had wanted a family. Then he had disappeared with that overgrown lizard and joined Fairy Tail, leaving a trail of destruction in his wake. There was no way his brother was here. He had to be hallucinating.

Can you feel pain in hallucinations? A part of him wondered helpfully.

"Jeez, can't you be more careful next time? Ow... that feels worse than that time Popsicle threw me outside that window in that two story house. How is your head so hard?"

Nope. It was Natsu all right. No one could imitate that grumbling tone he took whenever he was annoyed over something. Now, the question was how? He had been in some crazy situations before, but never, in his wildest dreams...

Wait. If Natsu was here then he must be in Fairy Tail, which meant...

Life.

His eyes flew open again. It was a miracle that his curse hadn't been triggered yet—he never could fully think of Fairy Tail as objects even though he had tried so hard; he had a strong, strong connection with Mavis and Fairy Tail was her guild—but he had to get out of here. He couldn't let them get hurt. He couldn't allow himself to bring harm upon Mavis' guild, couldn't permit this curse to touch them too—

There was a pair of warm hands pressing down again his shoulders, almost uncomfortably warm. Natsu's face swam into his sight, and he realized that the edges of his vision were dark and blurry. His breathing caught in his throat as he stared into his baby brother's green eyes. He felt a little dizzy and his whirling thoughts screeched to a complete, utter halt.

No longer a baby. This wasn't his younger brother; this was a young man. He just had to remember that and he would be okay long enough to hold himself together. Later, he could break down. Later, he could curse and scream at the heavens for a mistake he had made long ago, for the sin he had to carry for the rest of his days on this earth, however long that may be.

(Still, he couldn't help but be a little awed that Natsu was here and he was alive. It was so tempting and so cruel, to be so close to his brother but be unable to do anything about it either.)

"It's all right. My name is Natsu Dragneel. Well, you already know that... never mind. You're in Fairy Tail."

His heart plummeted. No, no, no. What had he been thinking? He would kill them at the flip of a coin! It was a miracle he was still alive! He blindly shoved Natsu out of the way. He had to get out of there; he had to protect them, and then he could disappear forever. He should have forbidden himself from ever stepping out into the world. What an idiotic, selfish person he was. (Nothing new there.) If these humans—men, women, people—died, it would be his own fault. And Natsu... he couldn't do that to Natsu. He wouldn't hurt him anymore than he had to.

"I need... my curse..." His thoughts whirled so quick that he couldn't formulate full, proper sentences. His breathing was becoming more shallow and he felt dizzy. The world swayed.

"Whoa!" Natsu suddenly darted out and threaded his arms around him. The air felt like it had been sucked out of his lungs when his right arm threw itself around his chest, and the other across his shoulders and back, like he was hugging him. He slowly rotated his head to look at his brother who supported him. Natsu was as tall as he was now. He'd once been several heads shorter than him. And he was touching him.

"Y-you..." he stuttered, his thoughts halting. Warm. Natsu was warm. He hadn't even felt another human being in so long... since Mavis. His eyes stung. "You can touch me." He breathed. "You're not dead."

He was so, so warm. Almost feverishly so, but that was something that was normal; the flying lizard had taught him fire magic like he had before. And he was E.N.D., too, a fire demon. And his Natsu, the one who lived in his memories, his only family left, had loved being near fire even though it had destroyed their house and had taken everything from them. Him.

Natsu pulled away slowly, still holding his arms out as if he was a baby who was learning to walk. He wanted to pull him back in for another hug, but that was selfish too. He was already pushing his luck as it was; he needed to leave, before his curse activated and—

"Yeah, about that... See, we put a magic suppressor on you to stop your curse from killing us."

Zeref's legs collapsed into the comfy bed (a bed!). Natsu's arms hung by his sides.

"That's not a good idea..." He eventually murmured. He felt like he was about to cry, and everything was going all over his head, which was something that hadn't really happened to him, even before. There was a reason why he had been considered a genius when he was a child. "I tried to do that once, but it still exploded out of me after a month. I was so sick too."

Natsu grinned. His teeth were more pointed than he remembered— and were those fangs? Those definitely weren't there after he had been resurrected, let alone before. Was this something that came from the dragon? "You just used a regular suppressant, right?"

"Yes." He nodded hesitantly. He closed his eyes and discretely pinched his arm. When he opened them, Natsu was still there. Nope. Not a dream.

"Well, Lucy, Levy and Freed – my nakama – made this specifically for you." Natsu tapped his chin with a frown. Zeref couldn't look away—even the small gesture felt like some miracle being performed before his eyes. His brother. His brother was alive. And Zeref didn't hate him, or want to kill him, or had any conflicting feelings. Just love, and awe, and wonder, and fear and confusion and— Maybe those were conflicting emotions? He didn't know. How sad his existence was, to not even know himself. "Wendy and Porlyusica healed you yesterday. You've been unconscious ever since."

"Oh."

His head was spinning around in circles and buzzing and he knew he wouldn't be able to make sense of this strange, new information so he closed his eyes for a moment and breathed in deeply to calm himself. He was in Fairy Tail. They had figured out how to bind his curse so that he couldn't kill them. They had healed him.

He had gone completely bonkers. Off his rocker. Insane. Mad. He would dream up something half-mad.

"Nope. You're not dreaming." Natsu said, and he opened his eyes. He hadn't realized he had been talking out loud. He stared at Natsu again, resisting the impulse to pull on his nose and pretend that he had 'stolen' it like he used to when they were young. Natsu didn't know him. He didn't know they were brothers, or that he was over four hundred years old from a different eon, or that he had died in a fire like their parents before them, or that was E.N.D.. This Natsu didn't have any memories from his Natsu; he had made sure of that.

"Why did you save me?"

Zeref blinked at the unexpected question. Why wouldn't he save his brother? He had failed to protect him once—oh, that's right. Natsu didn't know.

His brother scratched the back of his neck, a habit that Zeref remembered he used to have before he died. It usually kicked in when he was nervous. "I mean, it doesn't make any sense. You want to kill me, doncha?"

He cringed at the slang, and bit his tongue against the urge to correct it. Even when he was little, he had made fun of him for being a know-it-all when he hadn't ignored or glared at him.

His tongue smarted. He hadn't meant to literally bite his tongue.

Natsu was staring at him now; his gaze was so intense. He didn't remember it ever being that... strong. His Natsu had always smiled and been innocent, always blindly trusting him. He wouldn't even harm a fly. But this Natsu was different. Of course he was. He had grown up differently. Enemies were constantly trying to kill him. It was like this version of his younger brother was trying to read his intentions, trying to figure out if he meant him harm. Not only that, Zeref hadn't seen him smile once. And from what he observed, he thrived on fighting and creating chaos, not talking his way out of a fight.

(Zeref had always been the reckless, hotheaded one between the two of them. One of them had to have enough commonsense to hold back and apologize.)

"Zeref?" Natsu waved his hand in front of his face. "Earthland to Zeref."

"Um..." his tongue felt glued to the roof of his dry mouth. Well, it was obvious Natsu wouldn't let him drop it, which meant that he would have to admit that they were brothers... "I have to protect you." He stalled.

"You've tried to kill me at least once."

"Sorry about that. I'm insane." He deadpanned. Natsu inched away from him, as if he was just remembering that. Zeref wanted to laugh—if he thought a mere two extra inches was enough to protect himself... well, he was sorely mistaken.

"I've noticed. Why do you have to protect me?"

Zeref frowned. "You're persistent, aren't you?" Granted, Natsu had always been persistent. So was Mavis, as a matter of fact. Maybe he should run away from persistent people? But they'd only chase after him; that was why they were persistent.

"Comes with convincing a dragon to teach you magic." Natsu shrugged, his expression nonchalant. Zeref raised an eyebrow and sensed a story behind that statement. He almost wanted to ask (knowledge, after all, had been one of the few things he had been able to truly love without hurting somebody, though most of it came out of books) but he didn't have the right. Wouldn't ever. He had given Natsu a second chance and like Hell was he going to let his sins ruin his brother's happiness.

"There has to be an explanation," Natsu prodded, his eyebrows knitting together and his face was startlingly easy to read. Clearly, he didn't have a poker face like before. "This isn't the first time you've done something like this. It doesn't make any sense; you're Zeref. You're not supposed to save a stranger."

And that was the crux of the problem, wasn't it? Once, Natsu would have trusted him blindly (or would have punched him if he did something stupid enough to get him angry). But now he was Black Mage Zeref instead of Older Brother. He was an enemy, not a friend. Certainly not someone he would trust with his life.

Still, he did owe Natsu an explanation.

"Well..." He said slowly. His stomach curled into itself, but that was just nerves probably. After all, Natsu seemed fairly friendly to him... maybe he wouldn't completely hate him? He ran his fingers through his hair and stared at the quilt. That was a pretty shade of blue. "You're my brother."

For a moment, there was this horrible, complete silence. Until Natsu laughed. Zeref swiftly jerked his head back. That was an odd reaction to being told you were related to the evilest mage on the planet.

"Yeah, right." He was smiling. "There's no way I'm related to you—you're, like, 400 years old. Let alone be your brother. That would make me over four hundred years old too."

He didn't believe him.

Actually, it wasn't all that surprising, really. Zeref was pretty sure he wouldn't believe himself if he was in Natsu's place. But it still hurt, like a needle to his heart— a questionable heart in existence, granted, but it still hurt.

"Natsu..." he said softly. "I am your brother. You are my brother."

Natsu's smile slipped—oops—and his eyes widened slightly. For a moment, he thought Natsu's hands trembled but Natsu pressed them together, hiding any trace of any fear he might have felt from him. How terribly sad, for someone who had to hide when they were scared.

(Of course he would hide if he's scared! You're the most evil mage to walk earthland!)

"I don't understand, that's impossible." Natsu replied, his tone flat. He shook his head. "You can't be my brother. If we were brothers, then that would mean that we're somehow related. And you're ancient. I can't... it doesn't make any sense. You have to be lying."

Zeref felt unnaturally calm. Rationally, he knew that he would have gotten angry at being called a liar if it had been anyone but his brother—he was many things, but a liar was not among them—and he would have probably slipped into that awful black fog to distance himself from the hurt. Now though, it was like he was shutting himself out in a completely different way, trying to numb himself from the pain. But he didn't know what emotion this was; he was completely helpless to it.

But he had to make Natsu believe. He had been hiding it for so long... he couldn't do it any longer. Somebody had to know. Know what, he wasn't quite sure.

"Why would I lie?" He closed his eyes as the memories danced into his consciousness. "I don't need to create an imaginary brother to prove that I'm insane. I quite clearly remember my younger brother, whose name was Natsu Dragneel."

Natsu's shoulders were tense as he stared at the door, blatantly avoiding his gaze. Zeref couldn't take his eyes off him, unable to believe his brother was close enough that if he wished to, he could reach out and touch him. If he glanced away from him for even a second, it felt like he would disappear from his life forever.

"Coincidence," he said eventually, shattering the silence. "I'm sure I'm not the first Natsu Dragneel to be born in a century. And, even if we were related, you would probably be some kind of great uncle. Or something. Not a—a brother."

Or something.

Frustration began to take a hold of him, and he reached out to grasp Natsu's shoulder before he remembered himself. Even if they had somehow managed to chain his magic in, everything he touched slowly withered and died. Still, why would he make something like this up? There were many things that were wrong in his life, and even more that he was uncertain of, but this was not one of them.

"I'm not a liar. I have a younger brother. His name is Natsu Dragneel. He was the only person I had left after our mother walked out on us and our father died from the plague. You were the one who wanted to learn magic and convinced our teacher to take us in after she said no to me. Several times. I remember holding—" I remember holding your trembling body as the dragon set fire all around us, watching as you slowly succumbed to the burns. I remember you telling me not to do anything stupid. "I remember watching you die."

Natsu's eyebrows furrowed. Something like compassion (and he knew that emotion on his brother's face because he had to learn to read E.N.D. like one would read a book after resurrecting him) flitted across his face. The tension drained from his shoulders and he slumped in his seat slightly.

"I'm here now though. I can't be dead." he said, half to himself, and Zeref barely held himself back from taking him by the shoulders to shake them. "You're confused and mistook me for your brother."

"I'm not confused," he corrected, clenching his fist before he realized what he was doing. Swinging his legs from underneath the covers, he let them dangle over the side so he could meet Natsu's gaze square on. He dared him to try to deny the truth as it rung. "I would not have taken that knife for you if I was."

"You have no proof." But Natsu sounded uncertain, and he glanced away.

"Look at me in the eyes and tell me I'm lying then."

As if he had been shocked, Natsu jumped and his head swung around. Zeref locked his gaze with his, refusing to allow his younger brother to shy away from him. A moment that felt like an eternity slipped passed them by. Eventually, something in his green eyes shifted, like a storm had begun to brew, and Natsu pressed his hands together—like he always used to do, when he was trying to hide something.

"My name is Natsu Dragneel. A dragon who taught me Dragon Slaying magic raised me. I'm a mage of Fairy Tail." He stood up. "I'm not your brother—you must be deluded. Or maybe you fooled yourself into believing I am."

Zeref stood too, and he was half surprised that his legs were able to hold him. "I'm not unstable enough to make up a brother who died. I wiped your memories when I resurrected you—"

"You WHAT?!" Natsu's eyes widened and he took a step closer to him. Zeref automatically took half a step back, remembering how furious E.N.D. had been when he had found out. His reaction then had been similar to this on a more violent scale. "You did what to my memories? Ugh, no! I don't believe this."

There was no doubt that this was his brother. Natsu had wrapped his arms around himself, like he was trying to shield himself from a danger – Zeref, perhaps, or even himself – as he cringed into himself in an attempt to make himself seem to be as small as possible. Reacting on half remembered instincts, he reached out and touched his shoulder like he used to when he had to try to comfort him.

"Don't touch me!" Natsu shoved his hand off, bending his fingers back and hurting them. "You're lying!" He repeated, but there was urgency in his words—like he was trying to make himself believe them. "I'm not your brother! I was never resurrected like... like those demons from Tartarus!"

"Then why are you so upset?" Zeref gestured wildly with his hand as he sometimes did when he got angry with his brother before, cradling the other close to his chest as it began to heal. "If you think I'm lying, then you wouldn't be trying so desperately to convince yourself that I'm not telling you the truth!"

Something in his eyes shuttered, and the fear and fury that had been prevalent disappeared into something... blank. Zeref didn't know how he was supposed to react; he'd never seen him like this. "You're mad," he said, quite serenely. Zeref stared at him blankly, because, yes, he was mad. "Why am I arguing with you over this? I'm still me any way you slice it."

Zeref hesitated. "Yes, you are," he agreed slowly, because that had been the most important thing to him. He had wanted Natsu to still be the person he had known. And he was, still, more or less. Though he was much more likely to jump into the thick of the fray than to hold someone back from it, like his idiot of an older brother, for example.

Natsu stared at him. Zeref stared back at him.

"What on earth is going on down here?" A girl's voice startled Zeref. Natsu jumped to the side, half turning to face her, and he recognized something about her red hair. "I can hear you screaming up in the... oh. He's awake."

The girl studied Natsu for a long moment, her face as hard as stone. Zeref saw something underneath his eyes glint when he turned his head to the side slightly, but he bit his tongue to keep himself from mentioning it.

"Get yourself something to drink," she said. "Your voice is hoarse and it's bothering me."

"Yes, ma'am." Natsu saluted her, and it might have been sarcastic if it wasn't so respectful, and then he turned and marched out. The girl faced him, planting her hands on her wide hips. Zeref wasn't quite sure how he respond—Should he act contrite, or should he hold his chin high and meet her gaze square on?

Before he could come to a decision, the girl made the choice for him by reaching forward and taking his elbow in a grip so tight it almost hurt. Zeref stared at her blankly as she guided him back into sitting down on the bed. She's touching me. I haven't touched anyone human in years. I forgot how warm somebody's hand can be.

"My curse..." he eventually came up with, and her lips thinned.

"Of no consequence for now. I'd suggest you don't push your luck with us. We haven't turned you into the Magic Council yet, but if you step one toe out of line..."

"Why haven't you already?" If they were going to threaten him, he'd rather they just went and got it over with. The games humans played, getting someone to trust them only to stab them in the back later, was another reason why he avoided them in general.

"Natsu insisted. You saved his and Lucy's lives, he feels like he owes you a debt."

Zeref frowned. He didn't owe him anything at all though. "Why?"

"Why?" One dark, neat eyebrow rose higher onto her forehead before her face smoothed again. "It's what decent people do, if you're able to understand what that means."

That was an insult aimed directly at him. Zeref stiffened before he breathed in through his nose and released it with a huff. He was at their mercy, so anything he did could reflect poorly on him and they would take him to this Magic Council. Of course, he could break out without a hitch, but he wanted to gather information on this bracelet thing that suppressed his magic along with any other kind of knowledge he could get his hands on.

Besides, he wouldn't give her the satisfaction of rising to her obvious bait.

"Who are you?"

A strange expression flitted across her face, one he didn't know how to interpret. "Slave Twenty-Two." Wait, Fairy Tail had slaves? Mavis would have never, in a thousand years, tolerated that. "She was right... you really weren't the possessed him..." Something in her eyes cleared, and her shoulders slumped slightly. "Or, at least, I was Slave Twenty-Two before a friend named me Erza Scarlet."

Erza Scarlet was a poetic name, but that was the only thing about it that stood out to him. She turned around and made her way to the door, and Zeref found it odd how she left her back wide open to him. Either she trusted him, or she was testing him—and both were risky maneuvers. It was something to respect, how bold she was, even if it was stupid at the same time. 

The folly of youth. They thought they were invincible until someone proved they were not. 

"Zeref?"

He startled. He hadn't expected her to address him by his given name. "Yes?"

"You have tears on your face."

The door slammed shut as she left the room. Slowly, he brought the healed hand up to his right cheek to brush across it. It was indeed damp.

He'd forgotten that even monsters like him still had tears to shed.

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Sorry for the delay. Getting into Zeref's head was harder than I expected, and then I participated in NaNoWriMo which ate up all my free time.